Chương 1046: Day One Thousand And Forty-Four

Dear Diary, I dunno whether I ought to feel good that I managed to get through a whole therapy session with the fam without breaking down, or feel bad that I didn't make any kind of breakthrough. Seriously, it's not like I need to do something like that every single time. Everything I remember from those sessions back in the day in the school psychiatrist's office tells me that progress is mostly slow, steady work. It's kinda like time spent in the gym, or getting better at a video game.

Okay, neither of those really happen here, and my personal Physical Training wound up going way faster than it had any right to. Probably because I'm one appendage of something the size of a small tectonic plate. I guess that's part of why I feel some kinda way about my progress in terms of my own mental health. Everything I've done has been just boom, boom, boom, getting better at some kind of ridiculous rate, but fixing my own brain is just a slog that never gets any easier.

Yeah, I get it, that's wrong on multiple levels. Not even morally incorrect wrong, either, because I worked my fuckin' ass off my first Season here. Shit, I did so the second Season too, although a lot of that one was spent training Volunteers. Third Season... Shit, that was me leading the Expedition to Lancaster House. That was post Battle of the Walls, but that was also after I'd started hurting all the time, because of all the scars from that battle.

Thing is, while I was pretty fuckin' ripped at that point, I still wound up almost getting nommed by that Dragon. Shit, that one wasn't even in the same general size category as the Mother of Hole Spawn or Mother of Water Panthers. I just realized, I need to be a lot more thankful that my kids trapped a Water Panther and not a Hole Spawn. If they caught one of those stanky fuckers, I'm sure I'd wind up needing to take baths in Marie's special sauce on the regular. Shit, the kids might too.

I still need to figure out what that was, just in case somebody gets covered in Hole Spawn spooge and Marie's not available to clean it off. Y'know, I think I'm starting to wander a bit, and I'm pretty sure that's due to the lack of anything resembling progress or closure yesterday during the session. Which sounds like some kind of huge problem, but here's the thing; I'm realizing that it's happening. I've got a solid guess as to why it's happening.

I may or may not be able to do anything about it, but the first step to solving a problem is recognizing the problem. Defining it. Shit, even if I'm wrong about why I'm so all over the place today, the fact that I realized I'm more all over the place than usual is a step in the right direction. Recognizing that there is in fact something wrong, something maybe I can do something about. So yeah, got home from the therapy session feeling some kinda way, only to have Sigyn meet me with a whole assed fish platter.

Not exactly my thing, because none of it was fried or even broiled. Instead she'd done some kinda cream sauce thing. I mean, it wasn't bad, per se. The flavor was interesting. Maybe a little weird, with a mix of the distinctive taste and color of salmon backed up by a smooth cream, but somehow she'd managed to get a sour flavor into it. Not a bad milk sour, either, but some kind of citrus.

No fuckin' clue how she managed it, and I surprised myself both by caring about how it was done and wanting to figure it out on my own. If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it. Which was just stupid. She's my mom. I was literally supposed to be learning family recipes from her. But as I've mentioned to more than one person, I will never have an insufficient amount of stupid for anything.

As she and Dad joined us in the Bath, I snagged her and pulled her over to the Mom Collective, where she oohed and aahed over Siobhan's by now bulging baby belly. Siobean made herself known in the cute way by pushing hands and maybe feet out. It's not like you see in those shitty computer generated images where you can see individual fingers. There's layers of skin and muscle in between, and even my half-Maenad babies weren't strong enough to make that detailed of an impression through that much interference.

Siobean, who I have to remind myself is some kind of weird Dan, Bag, maybe Fae hybrid due to my fuckup and Canta's Healing, is nowhere near as physically strong as Isadora was even back then. Yeah, as I thought that, that I'd fucked up healing Siobean, I nudged Saffron. Smack me. She thwapped me gently upside the head. What was that for, Goof? Blaming myself for Siobean's injuries. Well, for not fixing them absolutely perfectly. She pulled me into her chest, and Siobhan glomped me from the other side.

In near unison they chorused, stop that, Goof, into my head. I hugged them both to me. Thanks, ladies.

"Ought I ask?" Sigyn sounded more amused than anything, but a hint of concern lurked under the surface." Saffron sighed.

"Just Tabitha holding herself to an unreasonable standard, not to mention blaming herself for the actions of others." After making some nonverbal sounds from underwater, I managed to get free enough to say, "more like blaming myself for not undoing them properly." Sigyn brushed my mop of hair out of my eyes and shook her head.

"Daughter. Something I learned over the decades protecting your father from the serpent's venom. Do not blame yourself for the actions of others, do not judge yourself on how many of those actions you fail to ameliorate."

"How?"

"Instead focus on what you have done. What you have saved." She heaved a sigh.

"Focus on how many ewers of venom you kept from him, not how many drops slipped past." I pulled her into the hug.

"You did good, Mom."

"As did you, Daughter." She laid a hand on Siobhan's belly, then smiled as Siobean pushed a bump out into her palm.

"Were it not for your timely intervention, we would be mourning this one's loss, not anticipating her arrival." I couldn't really speak at that point. Too many big feels. I just nodded and held them all. Saffron said everything I really wanted to when she quietly murmured, "thank you, Mother." We all slept in the Bath, with Siobhan sandwiched between Hailee and I.

Apparently Hailee can keep her Consume Distress going while she's asleep, but I need to actively push some Mana into my Comfort every now and again, so I wound up waking up a few times over the course of the night. I think the ladies in my Maw were discussing baby names, but I'm not really sure. I do know that at one point when I woke to renew Comfort on Siobhan, she stirred and grumpily mumbled, "her name will not be Bean!" before rolling over and burying her face in Hailee's fur. Spent today Co-Located.

Running the Phileo Cadets around the Practice Yard for at least half a dozen miles, then having them play basketball for the rest of the day. Watching over Siobhan, keeping the Comfort going on her, feeding her bisque and crackers. Guarding bodies. Also experimenting with citrus and cream. By the end of the day, I had about two gallons of curdled milk, and was no closer to figuring out that recipe. Got a couple new ways to make homemade cheese though. Baby steps.