Chương 1045: Day One Thousand And Forty-Three

Dear Diary, So much stuff going on, all of it kind of hanging over me, but somehow I've managed to avoid going into 'waiting mode' so far. Which I've probably now fucked up by thinking about 'waiting mode' out loud in my head like that. Doesn't matter how much power I accrue, how many Skills or Spells I learn, or what self-improvement I make, I am still a dumbass at heart. Of course, I'm trying real hard to come to terms with that.

Like, accept that part of me is that essential dumbassness, and knowing that like any other trait it comes with perks and bennies to balance out the flaws. Which isn't true for all traits, I know, but I'm tryna work on that emotional, psychological self-love. The physical self-love I haven't tried for a while, both because the last time I did it didn't go so well and because frankly I'm rarely in a position where I need release and can't find a willing partner. Sometimes more than one.

Sometimes more than one at a time. Yeah, as everyone who knows me knows, and Saffron has on occasion taken advantage of, that is absolutely the topic that will distract my already easily distractable ass. Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset that she's used it to distract me. Not as a general standing thing, at any rate, because there are times when I've needed to be distracted.

Whether I needed distraction from my own depression, or to stop paying attention to something that was hurting me, or maybe even so I didn't go off on somebody who it would have been a bad idea to go off on. That's not to say that I'm not irked at one or two of those times, when I think it might have maybe been a learning and growing experience for me to restrain myself rather than being restrained by my lovely ladies.

But given how many times I asked them to distract me, and how many times I realized after the fact that I needed the distraction, I'm gonna call all past instances a wash, and just pay attention from now on. I mean, distractions are distracting, but I'm gonna try to be aware of whether or not I'm being distracted, and if it's happening, call them on it. Or, really, call Saffron on it, and see what she's distracting me from. There are gonna be times when I dive right back into the distraction, I think.

Because, like, if Aphrodite got to doing something fundamentally innocuous that nevertheless pissed me off for no good reason, I think I'd want Saffron to fill all of my senses with herself until I'd had time to cool down, because while I'm sure Aphrodite has done some shit to deserve getting nommed, I'm trying not to end people who may or may not be trying to do better. Redemption is one of my things too, after all. But yeah, right now I'm juggling four different things of varying...

I was gonna say 'levels of importance', but honestly it's not a levels thing. They're each different kinds of important, and trying to say that one is more important than the other seems, I dunno, like it's wrong or something. There's Saffron's Secret Project, which is super important, and when it goes live, it'll be super urgent, but right now it's just kinda hanging there. Then there's Aphrodite, who isn't a thing to be done, but dealing with her definitely is, and she's one of...

I dunno if she's really one of Zeus' inner circle, but Ares seems to get away with whatever he wants, which means his wife has to be some kind of important asset even if he doesn't seem to look at her like a real live person or anything, which is kinda why I'm trying to be as patient as possible with her. Siobean seems to be announcing her imminent arrival, so I gotta leave some of me ready to step in and help with that.

I dunno if I'm gonna wind up doing the delivery like I did with Marie, or stepping in to assist like I did with Bonnie, or just sitting with the kids while Saffron puts on the catcher's mitt, but however it goes I wanna be there for it. Not just, like, one of me in the room there, but present and aware and focused on welcoming our new little girl. Huh. I think that's part of what got me messed up, and part of why I'd been avoiding full day Co-Location without thinking about it for a while.

For the longest time I lived in the moment, but with that ADHD distractibility that left me living a series of disconnected instances. When I learned how to Co-Locate, when I got good enough at it that I could be everywhere I wanted to be, doing everything I wanted to do, it seemed kinda like a dream come true. In some ways it still is, but I'm realizing that it leaves me distracted at inopportune moments. The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

Nothing earth shattering, just minor things. Some potential dickhead shifts the wrong way in Tallulah's Court, and I focus on them for a moment and miss the joke that cracks all my girls up. Siobhan needs some extra soothing, or maybe some crackers and water, and I look down to see amused Saffron just covering herself back up with her tongue sticking out just far enough for me to notice. Real talk, I'm not really super upset by any or all of those things, but I am upset by it.

There are a million things I get to see and do that I wouldn't if I had to be in one place all day long. A thousand jokes, a thousand idle scratches on my scalp by my Overlord, a thousand little winks and flashes by my adorable Kitten. Even the last thing that counts as one of those important things, teaching my Cadets, has moments I'd never want to miss.

Citron getting a look on his face that tells me he's realized the rest of the Newark Cadets legit look to him as a leader now, and more importantly that he's realized that he cares about that. About their opinion, and wanting to keep that opinion good. The look on the Obol in Phileo realizing she's pushed her Endurance higher than her cousin in Camden Yards, and that Camden Yards Obol realizing that just like Citron, she's wound up the 'leader' of her class of Cadets. Makes me wonder who our class's 'leader' was.

I mean, the teaching staff probably intended for it to be Larry or Bill, but I think Saffron managed to outshine them all, what with becoming Imperator before she even officially graduated. Eh, all water under the bridge now, but teaching the next cohort of Cadets is important. I think at some point, once we've dealt with all our external threats in some kind of permanent fashion, we might want to start drawing down a little.

Maybe dropping the overall number of walking weapons of mass destruction we're training up. Note that I'm not even talking about laying waste to Cities or Deities here, because right at this moment I would totally say that Hades and Persephone are 'dealt with'; I'm not worried about either of them doing any kind of shady shit to the Alliance in general or me and mine specifically. So yeah, today I wound up dealing with the fifth thing, the one that I keep forgetting is even a thing.

Well, 'forgetting', because something tells me I'm not nearly as slick as I think I am. Got home from teaching the Newark Cadets to find the 'rents already in attendance at dinner. Sigyn and Marie made a bunch of little meat bun things in a variety of flavors and fillings; some of them sort of veggie appetizers, some of them meaty entrees, and some of them even sweet rolls. Like, not cake, and not covered in icing or anything, but still very clearly giving dessert.

Honestly, if I didn't know the smaller ones were still growing, and the bigger ones were powering Divine metabolisms with Mortal food, I'd worry about how many calories they pack away, but they are, and they are, and I'm not gonna say anything, because if I can kill off the unhealthy relationship I had with food back in the day rather than passing it to my kids, I'm gonna do that. Despite kinda wanting something to take the edge off of my nervousness about today's session, none of us went to the Bedroom.

Okay, I didn't, and my ladies didn't, and if I felt some kinda way about my ladies treating Mom and Dad using the room for its intended purpose like Sexy Mystery Science Theater Three Thousand, my lack of ability to comment other than dragging them under wasn't really stopping them. Then again, they all seemed to enjoy the show, the snark, and the sinking, so it's all good in the hood. Even if the hood is an entirely different zip code now. Woke in the morning to Siobhan stirring.

I realized she was awake and in some kinda discomfort, so I Comforted her, then whispered, "do you want us to reschedule?" Yeah, mega booger look achieved.

"No, Tabitha. This is distressing and uncomfortable, but it is not an urgent thing as of yet. Were I in active labor, the answer might be different, but as it is?" She turned her face toward me, reached up, and pulled me down. When we came up for air, she smiled, something like her old self.

"You are still my favorite patient, and I would not interfere with your healing." I smiled down at her, the taste of her on my lips.

"Thanks, Darling." So Dad, Marie, and Saffron sat with me today. I told them about my revelation regarding Co-Location. Talked about the things I'd missed, my worry that I was gradually losing touch with all the important parts of my life, that Fear Of Missing Out shouldn't be a thing with me being everywhere I wanted to be, but somehow it had gotten even worse. Sadly, no sudden moments of satori for your girl Tabitha. But that's what life is like sometimes.