Chương 1065: Day One Thousand And Sixty-Three

Dear Diary, The more I think about what Alexandra said, what Aphrodite told her to say, the more I'm beginning to suspect what I'm gonna have to do. I don't like it, but I think I finally understand the worst parts of 'forced by circumstance' that aren't melodramatic bullshit. Shit, I can't even really ask around about it, because it's not exactly something that's common knowledge. So I'm gonna let the thought simmer for a little bit.

Can't let it simmer too long, because if I do I'll just wind up forgetting about it. I'm thinking I'll give myself a week to decide. Next Thursday is the deadline. For the symmetry if nothing else. Or think of something better, really, because now that I've given myself a deadline I realize how appropriate the word 'deadline' is. Thing is, I'm mostly pondering why I'm doing what I'm doing, I think. Well, as well as tryna think of something else I could do. Something less final.

But the why of what I'm doing is important as to the what and the how. Fuck, the why even impacts the where, and possibly the when. Because yeah, she did a bunch of heinous shit. The kind of shit that taints you, makes it that much more likely that you'll do that shit or worse, similar shit in the future.

Whether she did that of her own free will, did it because her asshole husband told her to, did it as a trauma response after millennia of abuse, or he rammed his hand up her ass and puppeted her not unlike she did to Alexandra, she still did it. It still had an effect on her. It still left her with the knowledge that those things aren't things she might or might not be able to do, but things that she has in fact done. I... I might know something about that. I've done some shit that I regret.

Not the killing, specifically. That shit I'm not thrilled about, but as I've been told, killing on a battlefield isn't murder. Yeah, if I faced an army of Levies now, I'd probably leave most of them alive and wishing they weren't rather than turning the field to bloody mud. But I can accept that I wasn't the me I am now back then. Shit, I hurt myself doing it the way I did, and I wasn't even trying to be gentle. But I regret how I did it. I think the thing I regret most of all is the why I did it.

If I'd been fighting to protect my friends, or my wife, or our kids, I'd probably have left all the guilt behind long ago. But I wasn't, and I'm not gonna start lying to myself about that now. I was pissed. Pissed off beyond any sense of sanity or reason. No, that's another evasion. I had sanity. I had reason. I just had no empathy, or mercy, or kindness. I did 'to the pain' on Oliver because I wasn't patient enough to think of something new and fresh to do to him. I also maybe thought he might get away.

So yeah, why is important to me. So I need to think about why I'm doing what I'm doing to Aphrodite, which means I need to decide what I think her motivations have been when she asks me to kill her. I mean, it could just be an abused woman so tired of being abused that she'll take any way out. It could be some kind of subconscious programming by Ares to get her in my good graces, to make me kill her as some kind of mercy killing. I haven't forgotten why Marie's dad gifted her to some petty King back in the day.

If I kill Aphrodite, that gives Ares a reason to do more than manipulating Sparta into sending a 'punitive expedition'. I mean, I'm pretty sure we're ready for whatever Europa tries to send at us, but that does not mean I want to set that off early. Not really. Y'know, for all the reasons I just mentioned about my first experience fighting a war. Not to mention all the fights I've been in since. Okay, maybe not Lemmy. But then that was sparring, and both of us kind of enjoyed that shit.

Speaking of sparring, I had the oddest conversation with Siobhan tonight after dinner. Yesterday I spent the day pushing grit into the Newark Cadets, then got home and pushed crispy meat pastries into Darling. Okay, it didn't take much pushing, because she has apparently decided that her previous stance on 'not worthy of lots of food' was dumb, which I wholeheartedly approve of. I mean, I had a pastry or two myself, because that shit was fire, but I'm eating almost purely for the flavor, not for the calories.

Shit, I wonder how many calories it takes to keep Mimic going, and how much I get from Worship. I mean, every time I've absorbed any serious amount of Power I've wound up putting on a few thousand cubic miles of tentacles, and if they're even mostly real and made of matter, that's a shit ton of energy. Fuck, I'm not sure E even equals M C squared here and now. I mean, probably, yeah, but so much else is fucked up, it's possible Domnu fucked that up too. Or any one of a number of suspects.

At any rate, when she stopped power nomming and settled down to savor her last meat pastry of the night, I snuggled into her neck and said, "it's good to see you eating. Enjoying food." This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report. After she swallowed, she grinned and said, "I notice you didn't say 'again'." That got me to chuckle against her neck, which had the expected and desired result of making her squirm.

"Yeah, well. You didn't really seem to enjoy food before."

"I..." Her protest died after a single word. Then she sighed and said, "I always felt too guilty."

"Yeah, well. You've paid off any possible guilt you could ever have about food over the past year."

"I have, have I?"

"Yep. I decided." She got the cutest little moue, then said, as archly as possible sitting in my lap with pastry crumbs on her shirt, "I think there are at least two others who have some say in that, you realize." At that point Saffron showed she'd been listening in, because she plonked her butt down on Siobhan's lap, making our Darling the delightful filling in a lap stack sandwich.

"She's absolutely correct."

"Which one of us?"

"Both of you, of course. As your official Mistresses, It is up to the three of us to decide if you've worked off any perceived debt. And I concur with Tabitha that at this point you have. If anything, you've racked up quite the credit in your favor." Siobhan tilted her head as much as she could with me nuzzled into one side of her neck and Saffron's head on her other shoulder.

"Is that so? What about..." Marie leaned in, lifted me up, and set the three of us on her lap, which put our heads in the perfect position for her to lay her cheek atop all of us and say, "You Have." Yeah, my Murder Mittens absolute conviction is hard to argue with, especially when none of us really wanted to. Of course, right about then Tallulah stood up, walked over to us, and stood there, arms akimbo.

"I am simultaneously annoyed and grateful twice over."

"Do Tell." Marie purred out.

"On the one hand, I am annoyed that I am not included in this," she nodded at the lap stack of us piled atop the chair.

"whatever it is. On the other hand, I am grateful that I am not, because it looks incredibly undignified. I am also grateful that I cannot for the life of me think of a way to add myself to this configuration." Without lifting her head or opening her eyes, Saffron asked, "and your second reason for being annoyed, Overlord?"

"I was hoping you'd miss that."

"And yet I did not. Go on. Do tell." In a voice small enough it probably didn't reach the kids she murmured, "I cannot decide if I am annoyed that I cannot think of a way, or that I am so fixated on the idea of propriety that I don't just settle myself atop the Imperator's lap."

"Overlord?"

"Yes, Imperator?"

"Concubine?"

"Yes, Mistress?"

"Tallulah?"

"Yes, Saffron?"

"Sit in my lap. Please." Pouting Tallulah was absolutely adorable, especially when Saffron pulled her back into the naturally occurring cushions on her backrest. Of course spending the rest of dinner that way got us endless accusations and determinations of endless, chronic silliness from our offspring, but I don't think even Tallulah minded that. Not long before we went up to the Bath, Saffron asked, "comfortable?"

"I would deny it to my last breath, but..."

"... you are Sidhe, and cannot lie." Yeah, we must have looked ridiculous, but I wouldn't have gotten up if the kids hadn't declared it bath time, and I possessed the sure and certain knowledge that we'd wind up in a similar configuration up in the Bath. Which... Okay, I can't honestly say I'm disappointed that we didn't. I mean yeah, we all snuggled up, but it was more of Saffron and Tallulah tucked under one of Marie's arms and Siobhan and I tucked under the other. Different, yet still the same.

That's when Siobhan dropped her question.

"So... Do I have enough credit to convince my Goddess to be less ethical than she has in the past?" I sighed.

"I mean... Probably? I don't want to admit it, because I don't want to be unethical in my Goddessing, but if anybody can convince me, it's one of you guys." She shook her head, a very pleasant sensation with her hair still on the short side.

"Oh, no. Not in your Deific role. In your teaching one." That caught me off guard.

"You want me to do an Academic Dishonesty? Really?"

"Of course not! No, no, no, I was wondering..." She still looked so cute when she blushed, even if she didn't pass out when she did that any more. At that point I realized fuck that, it's absolutely better that she didn't, and I kissed her. When we came up for air she managed to finish her sentence.

"If I could convince you to sleep with a student." Again, completely off guard.

"You want me fucking one of my Cadets? What the fuck, Darling?" She laughed.

"Oh, no. No, not a Cadet. But... I've been thinking."

"Go on."

"About what you said about me being able to join a class at the Academy." I must be getting smarter, because the clue didn't have to bounce off my head more than once to make it into my conscious brain.

"You want me to train you?" She bit her lip and nodded. I chuckled a little.

"Okay. You wanna start Monday?" She seemed really hesitant when she said, "yes, but... Not if it means forgoing my duties as your Concubine." I rolled my eyes.

"Silly Ice Pop. You're not a Cadet. I won't be grading you, not even the normal pass, fail grading of Physical Training. So it won't be unethical to work you out at night after I work you out all day." I inhaled with my nose against her neck.

"Can't wait to get you thoroughly sweaty just to find out how you smell like that."

"Tabitha!"

"What? I've gotten Kitten that way, and Mittens." I paused, looked over at Tallulah, who shot back a regal look. Attempted to, anyhow, what with Saffron being a floaty chair for her not unlike I was doing with Siobhan.

"Sidhe do not sweat." I just raised an eyebrow.

"We perspire." As all of us chuckled at that, she continued.

"Also, while sleeping with one's trainer is not unethical per se, it most definitely qualifies as scandalous." Yeah, I'm not sure what she said after that, because Siobhan joined Saffron in melting my brain with a sing song, "that makes it even better."