Chương 868: Day Eight Hundred And Sixty-Six

Dear Diary, It's still kinda weird to me that despite being here and now's Ultimate Sealed Evil in a Can, despite stomping around doing a Gunship Diplomacy with an unfortunate number of our former and even present neighbors, and despite having literally killed and eaten other sentient beings, sometimes not in that order, and in fact at least once doing the latter literally without doing the former, people still react to my approach like I'm the Ultimate Cavalry.

I get it for Phileo and Camden Yards, and even sort of get it for the rest of the Alliance, since along with kicking the shit out of New Amsterdam I also Cured them, and I sort of incidentally freed Newark as well. I kicked the ever loving shit out of a small but very visible portion of Norfolk, but honestly that's almost a friendly formal greeting down there, or at least it was. I get our copacetic relations with Compton and Muscogee, not to mention Jackville.

While I maybe showed off my vast cosmic power in each of those, especially welding Atlantis' bulging package back in place after accidentally knocking it off, I didn't actually do much in the way of beating up anybody in any of those spots, and barely did any real intimidation. Shit, with Muscogee we wound up making 'international relations' and 'intimate relations' more or less synonymous with Silk, Panther, Lily and Rabbit.

When the neighbors come over and ask for a cup of sugar and the answer is 'sure, take as much as you need', and you back that up, said neighbors tend to remain far friendlier than they otherwise might. Especially when 'sugar' is a code word for 'orgasms' and nobody's been infected with Jealousy. Rich Man's Port is kind of a mix of both of those things. Same with Calverton, sort of, especially with one of my first three Temples being there.

Not really sure if it was second or third, or honestly if my New Amsterdam Temple is a stand alone Temple like the ones in Phileo and Calverton, or if it's part of some kind of larger complex. I gotta do a walkaround there at some point, I think. Can't remember if I ever did, but if I can't remember that means I need to do it again.

At any rate, the clear oddity on the list is Boltophsberg, because while I was at my diplomatic best, my diplomatic best involved threatening to eat Lemmy's innards like Sour Ooze, then refill him with cream of some young guy and nom him like a pastry. Oh, and punching the Patriarch of their Pantheon in the nuts. Repeatedly. Neither of those are really what one might call actions designed to inspire affection or confidence in benign intentions. Then again, Loviatar.

Oh, I'm not thinking even the slow folks in Boltophsberg bought Vyenemoinen's bullshit when he went on about me rescuing them from her. Because also, Baba Yaga. The two most influential people in Boltophsberg for any length of time are both women. So, y'know, maybe the guys are just figureheads, and the ladies are in charge. If that's even close to the case, it would explain a lot, especially considering I did let my Wife give their side piece... No, y'know what, he's basically their Concubine.

I'd never actually thought about the idea that a guy could be a Concubine before, but that's totally what he is. So my Wife gave him a crash course in smash sports, and from what we saw he paid attention. Also, I think Baba liked the chocolate stuff I brought. At any rate, yesterday right at sunrise Pyevatar showed up and dropped that 'Boltophsberg calls for aid' line. I absolutely could not resist, although given that she seemed kinda frazzled, I decided not to confuse her.

"And the Alliance will answer." Yeah, I did not think she'd read any Tolkien, given that all of the one copy I knew of was in my daughter's bookcase. Still, she grabbed my hand and pulled. Didn't get anywhere, but she made her urgency clear, especially when she said, "come! We must be away!" I rolled my arm so we gripped each other's wrists, then said, "I said I'm coming. Hold for just a moment." I stepped one of me to New Amsterdam, in front of my altar, Blend dropping as I did.

I pulled Dana into a side hug, then did the same to the Marie who lounged on the Altar.

"Hey everybody. Three kaiju attacked the Black Dragon over the past couple days, and Boltophsberg is under attack right now, so I really can't give you guys the full focus you deserve right now." I felt a little bad that I'd taken even a sort of break for Alex's birthday, but... Honestly I think I wouldn't have minded being Co-Located for Alex's party. Yeah, I want to be there. Yeah, I'm focused on her, but not in the same intimate way as when I'm at a Revel.

Okay, and I fuckin' executed the kaiju who tried to interrupt. So I wasn't half assing her birthday or anything similar.

"Are we safe?" Dana's question wasn't as terrified as it could be. Maybe not even as much as it should be. I sighed, then shook my head.

"You're as safe as we can make you. The Army, the Navy, our Heroes, my High Clergy, and me." The light flickers, and then Diana stood there by my side.

"She does not stand alone, either." I pulled her in as the Worship flowed to us.

"Thanks, Di." She mouthed the word, 'Di', but quietly said, "I missed you last night."

"Oh, shit. I..." She laughed and hugged me back.

"Make it up to me when the kaiju are gone and my uncle is dealt with?"

"You got it. And thanks." I collapsed back to Pyevatar, then stepped us to the Boltophsberg docks, leaving one of me behind on the West Tower. I tried to step to the docks, and kind of bounced. Pyevatar looked more than a little shook, so I stepped us to that M-Space spot where I'd first met with Baba Yaga. We landed, Pyevatar still looking a little motion sick, and I stepped us both to the Mortal Realm. A storm raged.

Lightning blasted at figures towering over the bay, thunder slamming into my ears less than a second later. Wind howled, and the next flash of lightning glinted off two tiny figures soaring through the sky toward at the pair of kaiju there. Pyevatar lifted off, igniting as she lifted off, a tiny sun flaring and flying toward two kaiju smashing at a huge dome that covered all of Boltophsberg and a chunk of the bay, including all of the docks.

I took a moment checking out the dome, and realized pretty fuckin' quick that it bore a startling resemblance to my own Divine Ward. Which might or might not keep anything Mortal out, but the kaiju were at least part Titan, and Titans were Divine. This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience. As if confirming my assessment, a branching bolt of lightning speared out from the top of the dome, where Ilmatar stood, made tiny by distance.

The kaiju shuddered like somebody hit with the world's weakest TASER, then roared and each took a half step back, raising their balled up fists. Right about then a huge chunk of rock came flying out of the night sky, right towards her. Shortly before impact, a chunk of masonry flew through the Divine Ward, knocking the incoming rock away before it hit her. She winced, and I leapt to her side. Standing atop the Divine Ward left pins and needles tingles in my feet, even through my boots.

Okay, I realized a moment later that apparently my uniform boots were not in fact Divine, and the shattering chunks of masonry falling back toward the City told me that the Ward didn't block ordinary rock. A quick glance at the big rock showed me that it wasn't gonna clear the City either. One tentacle later and I had the slippery, slimy harbor floor rock gripped and ready to fling back.

Unfortunately, the two kaiju slamming their fists into the Ward stood between me and the fucker throwing stones, and two tiny figures kept darting between me and those two. Between the water and the pins and needles, my feet started slipping, so I pulled the old insta-change trick and slapped The Dress on. Traction problem: solved.

"Is that the best thing to wear right - Dear Goddess what happened to you?" I glanced over to see Ilmatar staring at me. More specifically, staring at my tits. Okay, my body, and by the way she glanced back and forth, I suddenly realized, at my scars.

"Yeah. Lot of battles. You should see the other guys though."

"Lemonkyenin told me, but I... Other guys?"

"Yeah, no, most of them are dead. I might have eaten some of them. Anyhow, where is Lemmy?" I grabbed another rock out of the air, and kind of regretted it, what with how slimy it was. She stuttered something, then nodded out to the two tiny figures.

"He and my father fight the two of them even now." Then she raised her hands, and another massive, branching bolt of lightning caught the two kaiju just before they slammed their fists into the Ward, robbing the blows of a lot of their strength as the kaiju twitched right before impact. With my ears still ringing and every remaining hair on my body standing upright, I sent out a thought to all my High Clergy. Three kaiju attacking Boltophsberg. I might need to focus a little for this.

Saffron's answer came back equally broadcast, although I couldn't tell you how I knew. Do you require assistance? I thought about that for a second. Caught another boulder while I did, and used my PA Spell to scream out, "stop throwing rocks, you slimy asshole! I can catch them all fuckin' day, but they're fuckin' gross!" Then sighed and broadcast, I'd love some help, but no, keep the Tentacles and Black Dragon on station.

I looked down, and realized that not every rock thrown at the City had been fully deflected, and if nothing was on fire with the ongoing storm, plenty of buildings looked like they had or were about to collapse. If we have any Heroes or Troops in the area, send them in to help with Search and Rescue in the city. One of these fuckers, I lobbed one of the rocks I held back at the one who'd thrown them, but the asshole just caught it. Is throwing Treachery Rock sized rocks at the City.

Pyevatar, flying in between Lemmy and her dad, blasted one of the two front line kaiju with the mother of all flamethrowers. A grim smile chased its way across my face as the fucker's chest crisped hard and fast enough to send the smell of cooking meat all the way to where Ilmatar and I stood. That smile disappeared when the other kaiju swung at her, missing only because Lemonkyenin interposed himself as Perun snatched her away.

Then I got even less happy, when the big asshole slapped his hand over the burn, light flared, and he pulled his hands away to reveal a long healed scar.

"Motherfucker! These things can heal each other?" Perun, swooping past riding on a fuckin' sword like a surfboard, dropped Pyevatar toward me and hollered, "we'd have bested them long since had they not!"

"Right." I rolled my neck while I flung my two remaining boulders at Frick and Frack.

"Can you guys stop those boulders?"

"Mokosh protects Ilmatar by deflecting them!" I sighed, and I swear my gaze did not flicker to Perun's crotch. I don't care that he winced, it didn't.

"The City, dumbass. The City!" His gaze followed my pointing finger down to the biggest, most obvious impact crater. His mouth worked soundlessly for a bit before he nodded.

"We will!"

"Holler if you need help!" I leapt forward, and if the sudden updraft blew The Dress up my side, it didn't get in my face, and it did make it a lot easier to hold myself up. As I brought in half a dozen of my big tentacles from M-Space, Lemmy proved once again that what he lacked in brains, he made up for in bravado as he darted straight for the hand that had done the Healing.

I guess he didn't catch the arm attached to it flexing, because the only reason the kaiju's sudden grab didn't squish him was because I yoinked him away with one of those tentacles. His eyes shot wide as I pulled him to me, grabbing the kaiju's wrist with another when it tried to follow.

"Go help Perun block rocks!" Then I moved forward, Mana Blades sliding out of my arms and lighting me up. Both Kaiju blinked when I lit myself up, then lunged for me. I grabbed them, and holy fuck but these two boys were big, not to mention strong. They managed to shove themselves a full step toward me, which put their feet right up against the Ward. Both of them slipped as they lost traction, and my last two big tentacles rammed a monstrous Mana Shiv each straight through their backs.

Both kaiju staggered, but instead of, y'know, dropping dead, they each yanked a hand away. Before I could get a better grip on the slippery assholes, their hands came together with a sound not unlike the ongoing thunder from the lightning that now struck down at the kaiju throwing rocks. Then I swore incoherently as their fuckin' hands glowed.

"This is gonna take all fuckin' night." I pulled, trying to separate their hands, but between their fuckin' slimy skin and the death grip they maintained on one another, I couldn't separate them. They poured Healing Mana into one another in a continuous flow, not to mention trying to yank their other hands free of my grasp. Honestly, they almost did, what with that nasty ocean floor slime on them, but I wrapped my tentacles around them, latching down as hard as I could.

They set themselves, bracing against one another, and I went to town stabbing the shit out of them from behind. They stumbled. I kept stabbing. They Healed each other. They writhed. I pulled in two more tentacles, and with three of my big tentacles on each of them, I managed to keep them from getting away or breaking free. The kaiju out in the bay, on the other hand, kept lobbing rock after rock at the city. He tried at one point to fling a rock at me, and nailed one of the pair right in the back of the head.

Which the other one healed a second later.

"Motherfucker." Then the kaiju in the back hauled up a monstrous rock, like the size of an airliner, and flung it overhand with both hands. No fuckin way were the others gonna stop that. I pulled another pair of big tentacles in and grabbed it before it slammed through the Ward, not to mention the two brave idiots who'd put themselves in front of it. I yeeted it back, screaming my frustration at the pair in front of me.

I kinda lost my shit at that point, because for whatever reason keeping my tentacles up and pulling was distracting me, not unlike they'd done when I tried to control them directly. Not quite the same, though. This was more like something was interfering. Back and forth we struggled, stabbing and wrestling and Healing, with the fucker out by the bay chucking rock after rock. After a while, the Boltophsberg folks let out a cheer, and the rocks stopped coming.

Some time after that, not long before dawn, one of the kaiju I'd been wrestling and stabbing for fuckin' hours just autoyeeted itself backward into the water. Without his partner Healing him, the remaining kaiju fell to my pair of massive Mana Shivs stabbing him over and over and over. He slumped into the bloodied water of the bay, where the dismembered bodies of his partner and the other kaiju floated.

As I watched, the bay erupted into a brilliant light show, and a monstrous claw pulled one of the big kaiju legs under water.