Chương 43: Doubt Is A Homemade Poison

June planned on getting two Mother's Day gifts, but three in total. One is for his mother, she may be an asshole from time to time and may ignore important things in his life, but she still takes care of his dog while he's away, and for him, that's enough. Another is for the Queen, she has done a lot for June ever since they met, and June felt that he needed to do something for her too, and the third gift isn't for a mother, but for Lilia as a makeup present.

June normally takes a while to warm up before he starts yapping to his friends, and normally, his friends would exchange small talk until the entire group had warmed up to each other again, then the fun topics would start, but contrary to what they normally were like, today, the group has been quieter than normal.

Then again, the okay-looking friend who always looks like he pulled himself out of bed and put whatever was on was standing in front of them, making their own clothing look like tattered potato bags, not to mention that his usually acne-covered face was glistening like a model after an unholy amount of post-processing, and his voice made people passing by to pause, drop their jaws like loose change. He was a totally different person.

His friends were having a hard time looking at him; they just kept on stealing glances, all of them having their thoughts written on their faces, judging if June was an imposter or a shared delusion. The crowded mall seemed to move more slowly when they caught glimpses of June. June purchased a soft drink at a dollar store located in the mall and dragged the flat of his fingernail along the ribbed cap, making a delightful zip sound.

"So… guys" His friends all seemed to wake up from a haze.

"Do… you guys have any tips when it comes to girls?"

His friend group was a mixed bag of people; there were six of them today, but more often than not, there were upwards of eight during their hangouts, today his group consisted of Tristan the outgoing one who seemed to be good at everything, Eli who was a bit of a dunce, but simultaneously one of the smartest people he knew, Yang who enjoyed sports and was in a similar major as June, Tilly the smartest person academically, but also a person who didn't have much street smarts, Sera who was studying to become a nurse and managed to constantly find time to spend competing in sports, and Fin who was the only one who knew June's secret and was trying to figure out how to ease him back into hanging out with friends.

Somehow, despite the vast cast of personalities and backgrounds here, the thing that surprised them all more than his angelic voice and invigorated look was that June was asking about dating. Sera, Tristan, and Yang all coughed at the same time. Eli started tearing up, Tilly had a faint fist pump, and Fin, most of all, was incredibly startled by this development, more so than when June got his powers.

All the complicated looks of confusion his friends gave him disappeared and were replaced with elated looks; they almost looked scary with how happy they seemed to be.

'Should I feel hurt that my good looks were overshadowed by the fact that I expressed romantic interest?' June's own thoughts reverberated in his head as his friends practically tore him apart and grabbed him in joy.

'Maybe I should have requested a one-on-one instead?'

Despite how June used to enjoy fading into the background or picking one of his friends to yap to, making sure everyone had a chance to enjoy his tedious annoyance, June felt a bit off being the center of the group. The Mother's Day shopping was going well; in fact, he purchased a diamond-encrusted bracelet for his mother, and June ended up getting the Queen a tote bag with plenty of new yarns and needles of different sizes. He even got her a hairpin from the jewelry shop.

June would have opened his empty wallet and let dust fall out of it as a joke, but he paid for it all with a card, which felt worse since the app connected to his phone would constantly remind him for a while of how much money he spent today. His friends had not asked him a single question about his new looks; they may have assumed that his glow-up was because he had finally found someone to love.

They kept asking questions like how they met and what his plans are, but June had to gently remind them that they were in a light dispute at the moment. The reality of it was more complicated than a light dispute could fathom. June decided to ask what gifts would work well for Lilia. Sera suggested flowers, which would have worked if not for the case of transporting them to the nightrealm.

Tilly suggested a ring jokingly, and June would have considered it seriously if his bank wasn't sending his phone an alarm of potential fraud. Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator. They walked by the slushy stall as June regaled how they met, of course, leaving out a couple of things; he did speak about Mortimer and described him as an overprotective grandpa instead of a butler who nearly caved his head in.

As June regaled his friends with her beauty and gloated about how nice her family was, June started to feel a suffocating pang in his chest. He was unsure of how to bring it up to his friends; he wasn't sure if he wanted someone to listen, console him, or offer solutions, but in the end, the day ended just as fast as it began. He never really got the advice he wanted; he practically spent the entire time gloating and regaling stories about her.

The question June wanted to ask was a complicated one, even more so when it came from several other perspectives. June felt like this feeling was love or some version of it. He didn't lust over Lilia, but he did want to hold her hand at least.

'It feels indecent to think of it.' He sat quietly on the bus back home while clutching a tote bag that had both gifts in it. The question wasn't about how to make a move on her, or how to woo her, or what gift he should get her; it was a deeper and harder question.

'Am I worthy…. Do I deserve love, and does she deserve me?' Despite June's new looks, new clothes, new job, new powers, new family even, June still doubted himself; no, he still felt a little self-hatred that was a remnant from before he got his powers. June doubted that he was enough; he felt like Lilia didn't deserve him, not because he was better, but because he wasn't enough.

He felt like being himself was the innate problem; his entire life had changed for the better by bounds, but it still felt like, despite everything that had changed, his innate self, the essence that made him who he was, wasn't enough. The bus hissed as the door opened at his stop. He had stopped by the studio where he had his photoshoot to meet Mortimer.

June wouldn't be able to give the Queen her gift if he assimilated it to himself, and he had a feeling she wouldn't enjoy the gift as much if he had to tear it off himself, fortunately Mortimer had a spell prepared for transporting abiotic items back and forth. June opened the door to the studio, and Percy was closing up the place for the day. They simply nodded when they saw each other and moved on. June sat down and waited for Mortimer to arrive.

Their interaction today in the mundane realm was supposed to be short-lived; it was a simple hand-off and nothing more. They were going to see each other in the night realm anyway. The feeling was gnawing in June, he felt like he should have ripped the band-aid off, and asked his friends. Mortimer opened the door. He was wearing his usual ducktail suit, his top hat, a monocle, and he was carrying his cane that still had a couple scratches from when it caved in June's skull.

June hesitated for a moment while Mortimer walked over.

"Mortimer…. You mind listening to a young person ramble a little?" It was already nearing 9PM, and Mortimer lived on a tight schedule, never failing to sleep at 10PM. The old man scrunched his face at the idea of wasting time, and then elegantly sat beside June. He sat facing away from June, oddly.

"Mortimer….. Promise you won't cave my skull in this time?" The old man swallowed a smile, trying not to make the moment awkward. Mortimer had figured that this conversation was about Lilia; he had been expecting this for a while, in fact. June's voice was low; it was hard to tell if it was being drowned out or just resonating with the hum of the fluorescent bulbs that lit the room.

"I think I like Lilia." The old man finally smiled and responded in an ashy voice, indicating that he clearly was tired as well.

"I know, boy."

"… Mortimer, I have never loved someone before like that." Mortimer's smile dimmed a little, as if he himself understood exactly what June meant. After a while, he spoke.

"Boy, did I ever tell you that I had a son? Bah, the kings must have told you….. Instead... let me tell you about my wife, Matilda… She was the apple of my eye since we were children." The old man sounded mournful.

"She… She was someone who also loved me dearly. I didn't see that for a long time…. No.. I.. I knew for a while, in fact, I recognized her feeling before she did herself." Mortimer let out a somber chuckle.

"My mother was not so kind to me. I had many issues, but the things she told me while I was growing sprouted themselves in my heart; they slowly killed me, and one day… I ran away from home, I ran away from my friends, I ran away from my Matilda." Mortimer pressed his fingers to his temples.

"I ran and ran for almost 15 years, June, 15 years is a long time… At some point, I couldn't return, not because of my mother, but because of how I betrayed Matilda."

"I thought the second I left, a prince with immense riches would appear to claim her… I felt like no one less than that deserved her. And when I returned, I learned how stupid I had been."

"She waited… she waited for me for 15 years. I ran away because of my mother, and I stayed away because it would hurt to keep loving Matilda... I had assumed she would have found someone... better, but she waited for me." The old man's bottom lip quivered. He pulled out a handkerchief and wiped his eyes, making sure June didn't see his tears. The silence rang out around the room; the only noises were the occasional bird chirping and the ever-present noise of the lights' hum.

Mortimer wiped the rest of his tears away and snorted. His voice sounded calm and composed as it normally did.

"June… Don't make the same mistake I did… love flourishes, and sometimes it dies, but it's something that keeps us alive."

"You're a good kid, June… better than I ever was… don't let yourself tell you otherwise, and if someone disagrees with me on that… My cane has a way of changing minds." The old man suddenly sprang up, laughing at his joke. He grabbed the tote bag and disappeared into a back room with a farewell.

"Sleep well, son."