Chương 23: Spiders, assemble!

"Ah! Gross!" George shouted. The cut in his shoulder was dripping blood onto the floor of the cradle, where it glistened for a moment and then disappeared. >>Might want to get a bandage on that. George stepped around the five wriggling masses on the floor and used his teeth to rip a strip from the flight blanket. He held it against his arm, never taking his eyes off the tiny black spiders.

"What happens next?" George said. >>Oh, you know. Diapers. Bottles. Sleepless nights. The first day of kindergarten. Too much screen time. Then… before you know it, you are standing on the street waving as they drive off for college, and you realize you wasted most of the time you had with them and you'll never get it back. >>Then it will just be Nod and George, and we'll have to figure out how to share this body all over again without the distraction of the little ones in the house. >>Sigh. >>There it is.

Our future is right in front of us.

"No, Nod… I meant…" >>I know what you meant! Sheesh. It is a burden to carry the comedic relief for both of us… >>But that is my lot. >>First, don't think of these things as people. They are not like the Great and Glorious Nod. >>They are more like the robotic slaves you humans always wanted. They have rudimentary intelligence, and they have to be trained. They'll grow bigger eventually and gain more capacities—which, knowing this place, we will probably have to pay for.

"So… of all those possible upgrades, why did you choose the one that makes five black blobs pop out of my shoulder?" George started the sentence in a level tone but was shouting by the end. The wound on his shoulder was still bleeding, and his makeshift bandage was nearly soaked through. The nodlings had all sprouted several tiny legs and were rolling around, getting their bearings much as Nod had when he had first arrived in the cradle.

They were each slightly larger than a fist and were becoming more coordinated by the second. They were using some of their legs to lift themselves and the other legs to tap one another in staccato bursts, almost as if they were locating each other or communicating. >>Check your trial timer. George mentally clicked the trial button and got a notification that said: 06: 35: 01 >>Georgie. The prologue is over. We're going to have to face a series of trials.

That means we will have to grind clicks while we're alone and find a way to keep that click count rising while we are off doing the trials. >>So we either need an engine, a perpetual motion machine, or…

"Little black spiders," George finished. >>That's right. >>Plus, George… this is your second chance to be a good father. Think of these little guys as training wheels for your poor parenting skills. >>OK. Watch this. >>Spiders, assemble! George didn't know how the spiders heard the command because Nod didn't have a voice, but they snapped to attention and linked their arms to form a line. >>You try it.

"Come," George said to the spiders, but they didn't move. >>Wrong. Think it. >> Come. The chain of spiders skittered forward until they almost touched George's foot. He resisted the urge to kick them away. >>And look at this. There's a new store category just for the nodlings. Store ▶ Upgrade Minions • Increase intelligence — 1 gold. • Increase strength — 1 gold. • Increase dexterity — 1 gold. • Increase vitality — 1 gold. • Select body morph — 50 gold. • Unlock special abilities — 50 gold.

"So what do we do with them?" >>I know this will be a new concept for you, but why don't you play with your kids for a while? See what they can do. Bond with them, you know?

"That sure would be easier if I wasn't leaking blood from an open wound right now!" >>I know… these working conditions! You aren't even getting maternity leave. But, then again, that is better than getting eaten by something as soon as the next trial starts. >>So suck it up! >>We've got work to do. Here is the agenda as I see it: ▢ See what the nodlings can do. This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

>>And these little guys aren't going to be able to pull the Wanker Yanker ™, so that means we need a spider-sized clicker device. ▢ Use the arsenal of junk to make a spider-operated clicker. George sent the spiders a mental command. >> Jump. The spiders bunched their legs beneath them and started to flail around. A few spun sideways, and two managed to pop a few centimeters upward. >>Stop. The spiders instantly went still. George picked the ball of twine up from the pile of amenities and unraveled a few inches.

He set the twine down next to the spiders and gave them a mental command to pull it. The spiders skittered toward the twine and swarmed over it, pushing it in every direction as they tried to get purchase on it to pull it. >>Hmm. Not promising. Nod gave them a command of his own. >>Stop. >>Line up. The spiders ceased their ineffectual efforts at pulling the twine and formed a line. >>Link arms. The nodlings intertwined their arms. They looked like a team preparing to play tug-of-war. >>George.

Give that front one a bit of the twine. George unspooled more of the twine and tied a loop on one end. >>Hey, nodling in the front. Stick an arm up. The front nodling obeyed. George carefully dropped the loop over it and backed away. >>Now, kids, HEAVE! The nodlings pulled on the ball of twine and made it rotate toward them. As they strained to pull the twine, a loop of loose twine came loose, and the nodlings fell. >>George, pick up that baking sheet and hold it on the ground in front of you.

George picked it up and held it upright between himself and the spiders. >>Nodlings, attack! Two nodlings rolled into one another. One wandered off in a random direction. The fourth did something that looked like he was trying to mate with the ball of twine. And the fifth charged at the baking sheet, only to bounce off it and roll away like a marble.

"Hmm. We have some design challenges to overcome here," George said. >>They are adorable, though, aren't they? Like little kittens.

"They seem to do better with your instructions," George said. >>Oh, that's sad… Because you're bad with kids?

"No," George said.

"I meant because you are a spider too." >>Oh. Yeah. Sorry to break it to you, but that doesn't matter. >>You're a little rusty at this parenting thing, but you'll get the hang of it. It's like riding a bike. Or whatever. >>Besides, if you screw up and alienate one of them, we'll just go down to the local strip club and scoop her back up. Meanwhile, she will have picked up a few life lessons, a couple of hard knocks, and some new dance moves. >>Speaking of friends in low places… Kat was cute. I like her.

She's got fire. She woulda made Charlie James her boy toy. >>She and I could have gone far together. Instead, I got the paterfamilias, a. k. a. George of the Lumpy Log.

"Nod, that is my daughter you are talking about," George said. >>As far as you know. >>Hey… >>…You know she totally danced at that club, right?

"Again. My daughter," George said. >>And good for her, I say! She packed her suitcase full of dad baggage, got herself a couple of tats, moved out to Hollywood, and made her way out there in the Big, Bad World, shaking what nature gave her. >>I respect that. I'm all about personal autonomy. >>Except where you are concerned, obviously. >>But you desperately needed someone to take you in hand. George tried to think of a retort but found himself chuckling instead.

"I see what you're doing, Nod." >>Was that a laugh I just heard? Does this mean my irrepressible, irascible charisma is making a dent in that bland, beige armor around your heart? >>This is a big day for us. >>Hey, George. That pizza isn't going to eat itself. Sit down, have a drink, and let's think this through. There's a good lad. The pizza did smell good. The nodlings might agree because they had started to drift toward it. He sat down next to the paper plate and shooed them away.

He took a bite and had to admit it was just what the doctor ordered.

"Beats nano slurry in pill form," George said. >>I bet it does, George. George took a drink of the beer and sighed. He sat with his legs crossed and fell silent as he ate the rest of the pizza.

"How could I have tossed him inside the apartment and left him alone?" George said. >>Maybe it is best to think of that guy as "Old George" and this guy in the cradle right now as "New George." You know? Get some separation.

"He was crying alone, and I walked away," George said.

"I wonder what he did after I left." >>Probably ate that chocolate donut and played some video games. Kids are resilient. >>Take yours truly, for instance. You tried to stomp me the day I was born, and look at us now!

"I was thinking about the traffic as I walked down the hallway. My son was crying behind a locked door, and I was thinking about getting to work," George said. >>Look. That happened. Fine. It is also in the past. I get that you just got that memory back, and it feels fresh, but it isn't. Old George made some choices that didn't work out, but Old George isn't here. New George is here and has Nod to keep him in line. >>Anyway, all that was years ago, and you don't know what else Old George did between then and now.

Maybe he changed. Maybe he turned around when he got to work that day and took Christopher to the movies. Maybe he bought him a goddamn pony. You don't know. All you have is what some sadistic AI chose to show you. Don't let him fuck up your head more than it already is. >>Here's what I know. You are in the game, and there is a good chance some of your family is in the game, too. That says a lot.

"What do you mean?" George said. >>Well, we know they didn't want much to do with you as soon as they got old enough to buy their own beer. But once the apocalypse started popping off, you went after them. That is what brought you to that bunker. >>Put that together with the mysterious quest to find your family, and we have Probable Cause.

"I'm not following," George said. >>What if you are in here because they are in here?

"And what about the part where I end up in a room with no memory and only a button to click." >>That's not the point. The point is, let's worry about the past when it enters our present, mmk? If we find one of your kids, we invite them over and hash it all out. I'll preside as an impartial mediator. We'll get another pizza and beer and stockpile a few amenity Kleenexes. >>Until then, this is exactly the kind of navel-gazing that will get us eaten by something. I need your head in the game.

And so do you if you want to see your kids again. George was quiet as he watched the nodlings wander aimlessly around the room. It seemed like they were getting the hang of walking, at least. >>Now, are we good? Do you feel sufficiently pep-talked? If so, I have an idea.

"OK, Nod," George said.

"I feel moderately pep-talked. The past is the past. If I somehow do find one of the kids in here, we go from there." >>That's the spirit.

"What is your idea?" George asked. >>What say we splurge those last thirteen gold and get these kiddos a birthday stat upgrade? I vote for strength and intelligence. George shoved another pizza bite into his mouth and said, "I think we should save the gold. It is all we have left, and there isn't much time before the trial." >>That is why we need to upgrade them. Think about it. How many times did your first contraption break? Like… constantly.

So what if we build something for the spiders, and then it breaks five minutes into the trial, and you aren't there to fix it? They are dummies right now, and they weigh about as much as a flower petal, so…

"So we need to smarten them up," George said. >>And beef them up. Why don't you hit one of them with that expand skill a few dozen times and see what happens? I'll remind you every time the skill goes off cooldown. George complied, casting expand on the nodling that had managed to attack the baking sheet. Next, he spent his remaining gold on intelligence and strength on the Upgrade Minions dropdown on the store.