Chương 307: Day Three Hundred And Five

Dear Diary, Never knew a Battle of the Bands could be more exhausting than an actual, y'know, battle. So after Conrad and I spent most of the day yesterday designing costumes and sets, I spent the evening going over songs with the fam. Kinda funny, seeing who could do what best. I fetched Sigyn back because reasons, and she managed to twig to what I needed her to do almost right away. Saffron just nodded when I went over lyrics, then sang them back to me verbatim.

A little off key on the first go round, but a quick Boon fixed that. Yeah, I know the more Divine shortcuts I take the harder it gets for me to, y'know, not take them, but given that my whole reason for doing this shit is to reduce casualties and suffering all around, it's justified.

Maybe I'll need some more therapy after to straighten my shit out, but I think I'll take, 'I've picked up bad habits and alter reality rather than walk across the room' therapy over 'I killed every fourth person throughout a geographic region' therapy any fuckin' day of the week. Once Saffron hit the right notes on shit other than lullabies, her singing voice really filled in the soprano register in our group well.

With Boonified Marie we had the bottom of the register covered, and Domnu just doubled down on that without any need for Boons. Then again, mostly her job was, as noted, to lurk rhythmically. When I told Isnomi she'd get to come along and help, Saffron took over Isnomi's normal job of looking mulish, looking adorably like her daughter in that moment, but I assured her the whole point of the exercise was to avoid a fight.

That didn't work all that well until Domnu looked at Saffron and said, "be at peace, High Priestess. My Daughter's spawn is under my protection." When that didn't seem to calm her fears sufficiently, I piped up with, "if anybody tries to hurt her, the gloves come off and we turn that person into bloody salsa. Fair?"

"I will not be sanguine about this." She held up a hand.

"I understand, and I agree to your plan, but I will be tense until this contest is done and she is home."

"Fair." By the time everybody had their lines down, knew their roles in each song, and basically were ready to back me up today, the sun had set a while before. Sigyn returned to Loki for the rest of the evening, and Marie, Menace, and my wife bedded down on the floor of the office. I stepped Domnu back to the Library Love Shack, but before I could leave she raised a hand toward me. I paused, and she asked, "this 'contest' on the morrow. Why?" I thought about it.

"Phileo needs some things from Norfolk, but can't take them without a war. If I take them this way, we get them without that war."

"Why do you avoid war?"

"People die in wars. Never the ones you think. Not that it matters. People die."

"And? People die anyway."

"I. Don't. Like. That." She stared at me for a bit.

"You had me kill the Mage." I nodded.

"I did. I'm not super proud of that. I can't think of anybody I've killed that I'm really proud of killing." She frowned.

"Sengann." I took a deep breath.

"Y'know? I used to be. I was. Then..." When I didn't speak after trailing off, she asked, "and then?" I shook my head to try and clear it.

"Then I saw you looking for him. You're... a shitty Mom, for a human."

"I am not human."

"No shit. I wasn't finished. You're a shitty Mom for a human, but you're still a mother. You still feel something, even if it's not like I do, not like anyone else does. But you didn't do anything to deserve having your kid taken away."

"I murdered you." I rolled my eyes.

"I got over it. I'm getting over it. I'll get over it eventually. But if all I do is murder you back, or go around killing your kids to hurt you? How the fuck am I any better than you are?" She froze. In that endless instant of motionlessness, she was the uncanny valley.

"You would surpass me."

"Yeah, I get that you don't get that. It's the biggest part of Mortal Momming you just don't get." When she tilted her head I continued.

"I absolutely want Menace to surpass me someday. I will not be upset in the slightest. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to make myself weaker, or less, just to give her an easy win. But on the day she does? The day I look at her and realize that she's faster, stronger, smarter, kinder, gentler, greater than I will ever be? That's the day when I'll know I've done Momming right."

"You would have me want you to surpass me." I sighed.

"It would make me feel a little more cared for, yeah." She went silent and still. After a few minutes, she asked, "would you have me... seduce... the Bard Johnson?" Okay, I did not expect that. I shook my head.

"Look, if you wanna? Like, you think he's cute, or his voice is nice, or you like the flavor of his Worship, or you just wanna try to see what happens when you juxtapose a cock bigger than your torso with your torso? Shit, sure, go ahead. If a side effect of that is him throwing the contest or something? Just giving me his ship and Jarldom? Cool cool. But I don't want you doing it for that reason."

"Why?"

"It's not fair to you or to him."

"The universe is not fair. The universe does not care about fairness." This time I knew the answer.

"I. Do." I paused to watch that sink in, then said, "rest well, Mother." While I slept snuggled around Saffron and Isnomi, mirrored by Marie, Mimic... flopped back and stared at the sky, wondering where Mom had gone. Hypermelanistic orange fuckin' tabby, I tell you. We woke up a little late, but Marie managed to score us all some decent breakfast. Sigyn joined us, as did Domnu. Sigyn enjoyed the spicy eggs and jalapeno scrapple. Domnu... tried everything.

More by pushing it in between her lips, where it disappeared, than by eating it or anything.

"Inferior to Worship."

"Yeah, I'd love to help you with smell and taste, but I got nothin'." At that point Conrad slid the armoire door open.

"Is that a priority, Mother?" After a brief pause for thought, I shook my head.

"Might be fun sometime later, but we've got a battle to win after lunch. I take it our costumes are all done?" He nodded.

"I'd like to fit everyone, of course. Shall we begin?" The funniest part of the whole process, at least for me? Watching as Sigyn and Domnu tried to out-casual one another while clearly wanting to piss themselves at willingly putting themselves into Conrad's clutches. Just made it funnier that neither of them really had thing one to fear. Hell, the worst thing Conrad did to either of them was using some spare leather from my rope darts to make Domnu a halter top, a skirt, and a pair of boots to match Sigyn's.

When I asked him why he hadn't made her stockings or garter belt, he sighed, pulled out a single garter, and had her try it on. It looked identical to the tops of Sigyn's stockings, yet somehow where her stockings pushed in creating that perfect little pudge? Domnu's just... laid there. Utterly weird, what with her thighs jiggling more or less appropriately, and going squish when I poked at them, but we just did not have time to fuck around with that. I dunno, maybe I'd ask Johnson if he survived.

So after the late lunch, none of us were hungry by the time we needed to head Norfolkward.

"Everybody ready?" Everybody except Domnu nodded. She just stood there Domnuing. Saffron reached out for me, but I smiled and said, "nah, you're gonna love this part." I grabbed up my swordstaff and my rope darts and Co-Located to Johnson's Green. Gotta say, I got a bit of a shock on landing. I'd shown up right at the open end of the stands, only to find myself looking down on a massive floating stage where the bridge had been.

Johnson had reworked his Green entirely, leaving the whole thing as floor seats for the stage. The stands, formerly simple bleachers, had been replaced with fancy seating for Warriors and what looked like at least half a dozen Jarls. I immediately stepped down to the stage, where Johnson waited for me in the presence of a small band of backup musicians, all of them arrayed to one side of the huge stage. Frankly, they didn't look like much, but then most of the time neither did I, so I did not let my guard down.

The Jarl himself stood before a rack of musical instruments. I saw something guitar-like, a set of handheld drums, a violin looking thing, some kind of brass horn that wasn't a trumpet but reminded me of one, and two other wooden wind instruments. He also had something that resembled a piano, but smaller. No idea on that. Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

"Jarl Diaz! You've arrived! And with at least..." He looked at the sun a moment, then continued with his voice still amplified to carry to the crowd.

"A few minutes to spare!" He looked around, then continued quietly.

"She won't be joining us, then?" I smiled at him.

"We're supposed to set up over there, right?" I nodded to the empty side of the stage.

"Yes?"

"Okay then." I stepped to the far side of the stage, Co-Locating as I did. I slammed my swordstaves down into the stage about three feet apart, the tiniest bit of their points digging in to hold them upright. One of my rope darts stretched across the top as a lintel, with another looped around to hang down along one side of the open doorway.

"Just lemme know when you're ready to go!" He nodded, then waved me over. When I stood in front of him he said, "I do apologize, but things have gotten a bit out of hand. The King wishes to speak before we begin."

"The what now?" He nodded, then waved. I waited as the sea of faces parted, and a dude in really fancy armor and furs walked down from the highest of the seats surrounding the Green. Between walking down the steps, walking across the green, and a fuckin' glacial pace he probably thought of as 'regal' or some shit, he finally made it to us after a long fuckin' wait. Tabitha, is all well? Yeah, just got to talk at some dude before we get started. Stay frosty. I'll try. This outfit is a little uncomfortable.

Sorry about that. You look awesome though. At that point King Gregor, who'd been accompanied by a kind of royal march played by Johnson's backup musicians during his whole walk across the Green, walked across the floating bridge to the stage. When he spoke, whatever whammy Johnson used to announce to the crowd affected his voice as well.

"Jarl Diaz." I nodded.

"King Gregor." My own voice carried across the silent crowd as well as his. He smirked.

"I'm surprised you acknowledge me as your King."

"Oh, hey, let's not get ahead of ourselves. You're a King, sure. Not my King." If that pissed him off, he didn't show it. Dammit.

"So, to whom do you bend knee?" I smiled at him, letting it slide just a little wider than it should.

"Oh, mostly I bend other people's knees. Usually sideways." I paused just long enough to cut him off.

"I mean, I guess I technically bend my knees in the bedroom sometimes, but my wife and I take turns at that, so that makes us equals, right?"

"You consider your wife your equal?" I kept my grin wide, but scratched the back of my neck when I said, "I mean, yeah. If you can't score an equal or better for the bedroom, are you even trying?" Again I cut him off before he could talk.

"I mean, your man Johnson sure as fuck set his sights high. You think you're Domnu's equal, Johnson?"

"Hardly, Diaz." I waved a hand at Johnson as if to say, 'see?'

"See? There's a man worthy of the word. Isn't your wife your equal?" He bristled a little.

"None in Norfolk are my equal. I am King!"

"Of the whole City, right?" He nodded.

"Of course."

"Okay. Cool. Head honcho of one City." I nodded in time with him.

"So since my wife is head honcho of five cities, and I'm her equal, what does that make me again?" That got him. Booger look achieved.

"You would come to us and conquer us by trickery?" I shrugged.

"You noticed the dress, right?"

"What of it? You expect perhaps to seduce me?" I put on my best shy girl blush and said, "aw, you think I'm pretty? But nah, this dress means I'm a High Priestess of Loki. Which would mean Trickery is pretty much straight up my alley, right?" He scoffed.

"Obviously."

"Yeah. That's why I'm not doing that."

"What?" I nodded.

"Oh, yeah. You didn't get the memos I've been tossing at you?" I pulled the remaining four out of my boot and handed them over. When he didn't reach to take them, I just thwapped his chest with them, mineral bonding them together and to his armor.

"I'm not here to trick you into anything. I'm here to kick the shit out of any Jarls who don't surrender to me. Oh, and any Champions stupid enough to stand between me and them."

"You've killed three already!" I smiled, hamming it up for the crowd.

"Yeah," I thought about the last time I'd gotten to really play around with both Marie and Saffron, and put that in my voice when I said, "totally makes me tingle in the southerly regions, y'know? Got to GET SOME! So, y'know, don't surrender. Really lubricates the old love tunnel, painting the general vicinity red with whatever's left of you. But I promised a friend of mine, anybody who surrenders gets to live."

"This will mean war!" I stepped right up to him.

"Oh? Really? Are you that much of a pansy?" He choked on his own spit, and I steamrolled him before he could reply.

"Pansy means coward in this case. Not flower. You're way too ugly to be a flower." He opened his mouth, but I kept going.

"Because I'm just one little woman, and if fourteen of your best can't face me down, do you really think hiding behind all of them," I waved at the Green full of Thralls, "will do anything but inflate my body count?"

"ENOUGH!" Gregor bellowed.

"Should you win this stupid contest against Johnson, you will face our Champions and our Jarls. Here, on Johnson's Green. You will not leave until we defeat you." I snorted.

"Or until you run out of poor bastards to throw at me, while you hide in the stands? I'm playing by the rules you set up, just to show your people who aren't complete fuck ups that I'm better than you. You get eight."

"Eight what?"

"Eight fighters. Champions. Jarls. Whatever. Sure, I'll stay on the Green. I'll fight them one at time. If you don't send somebody on a given day? You forfeit one of those. If you send more than one at a time? I'm gonna kill 'em all then feed you to Domnu." I looked at Johnson.

"Don't worry, I mean like I fed Anundr to her. Not, like, fun naked feeding time." While Johnson coughed and Gregor spluttered, I said, "if you don't concede after I wipe your eight best? Or if you try to cheat some other fucked up way? Or if you put one goddamned bastard headed for any Alliance City? I'm going to remember that you're fuckin' Mortal." He reared back.

"What is that supposed to mean? You'll kill me?"

"No, you dumb fuck. I've already said I'm gonna kill you. I mean that I'll remember I can Revive you and kill you again, over and over and over, until you break and cower in fear."

"I WILL NOT..."

"OH FUCK YOU! I can't deal with Calverton until I deal with Norfolk, and until I deal with Calverton I've got nothing but Mana and time that I'd rather spend in the bedroom with my wife. But you're missing the real fucking points, I think." He glowered at me.

"And that is?"

"First, right now me making this whole conflict between one of me and eight of you is saving a lot of your fucking Thralls and Karls and Jarls all kinds of pain and suffering. Which means I'm doing a lot better job Kinging than you are right now. Second? So far the one guy who fought me with his brain rather than his testicles is currently my Seneschal in what used to be his village. Which means he's still got his life, his job, and most of his perks; all he's got to do is what I tell him. The second guy?"

I turned to Johnson.

"What's your best result today?" Johnson could take a cue, at least.

"Domnu," he sighed out in a voice that, frankly, played the whole, 'eagerly awaiting getting his freak on' way better than I ever had.

"So, you see, Greg? Any of your boys who bend the knee before I turn them into meat? Get to be my boys, and I take care of my own." He just gabbled, so I stepped forward, pushed him backward with my fingertips as I stepped us both back to his box seat, then stepped back to the stage.

"But for now, Greg? Enjoy the fuckin' show."

"BITCH!" His scream was no longer magnified by the stage, but he had the height and high ground, not to mention a powerful pair of lungs.

"Thanks, Greg!" I turned to Johnson.

"That's my cue; I'm going first." I stepped back to my notional doorway. Kitten? Costume change. Bitch time. Fuck. On it. I slid the single dangling rope across the notional doorway, and a torrent of smoke leaked out through the bottom of the door. I stuck my hand through the door and pulled Saffron out. She held a white guitar and wore a simple, well tailored suit in black and white.

I spun her around as I ran a hand down the strings, a simple if attention getting snarl sounding until the smoke to one side of the door cleared, revealing a complete drum setup. We'd discovered pretty early on that nobody in our group had a better sense of rhythm than Saffron, and her sitting at the drum set totally let me play to her, so I did. She started in with the drum and snare, and I followed in with a few simple chords.

After a few extra cycles than the song properly called for, mostly to give her time to get everybody else into their proper outfits for this song, I started singing to her.

"I hate the world today." She smiled at me, and I skipped backward, playing and singing.

"You're so good to me, I know, but I can't change." I sang to my wife, my apologies and sympathy maybe a little realer than they ought to have been. I felt her wanting to reply, a pressure against my mind, but she just smiled at me and moved with the music as she kept up the rhythm.

When I hit the last line before the chorus, I smiled and rolled away from her still playing and singing, "I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one," I ended my roll glaring straight up at Gregor, and my cover might have gotten just a little bit punk at that point, "I'm a bitch!" I spun back toward the door, my form stretching out as I Mimicked my concubine, "I'm a lover!"

Marie spun away from me, playing bass, as I did another roll across the stage, Mimicking the Menace and blessing Conrad's ability to somehow make a guitar that could resize with me without changing its output in the slightest, "I'm a child," Isnomi pranced away across the stage shaking a tambourine, somehow staying in time with Saffron, "I'm a mother," I kinda wished I'd practiced this part before, because Sigyn's jiggle physics definitely felt some kinda way from the inside.

She stepped back from me, playing a fiddle, which surprisingly she'd already known how to play. I just grooved as myself, playing to the audience as I sang, "I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed." Liar. Oh, hush, Kitten. At that point I spun and stalked toward Johnson, Domnu's jiggle physics feeling so much solider, especially in her new all black outfit.

"I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between, you know you wouldn't want it any other way." I left her there, singing the rest of the song as my backup, focused on Johnson the whole fucking time, as I sang the rest of the song, my family backing me up. I flickered through my shapechanging routine every time the chorus came around, absolutely screaming, "I'm a bitch!" at Gregor every chance I got, even Translocating up to his box once to yell it right in his face.

We repeated the chorus at least three more times than the song called for, but by that point the Thralls were, in a word, enthralled. Right before the best part, during one instrumental, Saffron kicked her chair back and did a bit of... not a drum solo, but a drum centerpiece. Of course we'd done that entirely to let me slide to a stop kneeling in front of her as I sang, "I'm a Goddess on my knees!" I absolutely hit pay dirt with that one.

The Thralls, Karls, and Warriors all screamed out approval, and it was all we could do to keep the song both in tune and louder than them until they sang along. We stretched a five minute song out to like fifteen minutes between extra instrumentals, little solo bits where I played with one of the fam, and Mimicking Domnu to sway rhythmically while singing to Johnson. When we finally finished, the crowd lost their collective minds cheering for another solid ten to fifteen while I hammed it up.

Eventually, I stepped it down, then held a hand out to Johnson when it got quiet.

"Your go." I don't know how the magnificent bastard did it. Some kind of divine divination, weird synchronicity, I don't fuckin know. Maybe just being the exact kind of perfect freak who'd I'd heard sung it before. I'm gonna marry the night I won't give up on my life You're my goddess and queen Live passionately tonight I mean, the freakiest part? Watching him pull off dance moves I'd been certain Gaga must have used camera tricks to pull off.