Chương 267: Day Two Hundred And Sixty-Five

Dear Diary, One of the weirdest things about being an adult has nothing to do with maturity and everything to do with age. When you're five years old, the odds that something that happened a year ago will come back and bite you in the ass? Pretty fuckin' slim. On the other hand, the older you get, the more of those ass-biting landmines you lay for yourself. I'm guessing at some point I'll get to the point of thinking 'fuck, not again', but for the moment?

When shit from more than a month ago bites me in the ass I'm still stunned by it. So last night Saffron managed to get my frozen up limbs to unfreeze long enough to get me into something resembling a sleeping position. Okay, she totally forced me to use her as a body pillow.

'Forced'. Yeah. Like I wouldn't have begged her for it if I'd known it was an option. But to be fair my limbs still weren't, y'know, responding properly. She'd just gotten them to the point that they didn't scream at me when she moved them, and she tucked her thigh between mine, used one of my arms for a pillow and lay my other across her in a kind of night-long hug. That's not a complaint, mind you. It was definitely a feature, not a bug.

Mimic is definitely not copacetic about the horrid stench coming from down south. Which, y'know, I wouldn't be either. If down south makes flowers wilt when you walk past the garden, you need to do something about that shit. Deodorant, douche, soap and water, something, because it's not supposed to make dead fish sit up and say, "what the fuck is that stench?" Woke up to Saffron drooling on my tits. Which, unlike the stench from down south, was less 'ew' and more 'aw'. Fuckin' adorable is what it was.

Would have been adorably fuckable if the menace hadn't draped herself across all three of us. Kinda like she wanted to make sure that she'd claimed all three of her parents as hers and hers alone. Good lord, what I wouldn't give to put that on the front of a kids' book and watch the neo-Puritans blow a gasket.

"Isnomi has three moms." Seriously, it'd be an awesome filter. Normal straights might be 'huh, that's odd, how?' but other than glancing through it wouldn't give it a second thought. Queer folks would probably be more 'cool! yeah! sweet!', except maybe the TERFs, but fuck the TERFs sideways with the rotating pineapple attachment. Wouldn't even need to do that to the neo-Puritans. They'd just take one look and explode like that dude from Big Trouble in Little China.

Aunties, VCR, bored kid, Gracie Law, Jack Burton, me hoping the aunties didn't notice exactly how often I watched that VHS after lights out, or how often it was paused at the end of one of Kim's scenes rather than one of Kurt's. Yeah, if I had one thing to tell my younger self, it would probably be 'you're Bi, twit, revel in that shit'. Which really does say something about how I felt about my life now, what with 'do not go to the Aquarium and get shot in the head' not even making the fuckin' list.

Anywho, feeling Saffron's boot up sequence in my cleavage was an interesting experience. Her nose crinkled, tickling just enough to let me know it tickled, but not enough for me to cringe away. Her tongue darting out as she tasted the air, only, y'know, there not being 'air' so much as 'inter-mammary skin' to taste. Again with the tickling just enough to make me smile, which only got wider when her lashes tickled me as she blinked herself awake. Not sure if I liked the whole mid-boob boot up sequence or not.

More data required, please. She tilted her head back to look at me, smiling as she said, "you're lucky Isnomi's still asleep on top of us."

"Pfft. What would you do if she wasn't? Ride my face like a bicycle? Oh, no, don't throw me in that briar patch!" She grinned up at me. Or, rather, Grinned up at me.

"You seem to think that my imagination holds no terrors for you." Looking down into her eyes, I definitely got butterflies in everyplace Mother Nature never intended them to be. Although maybe she did? Sure as shit put enough of them there. Wait, wasn't Mother Nature Demeter or Gaia or some shit? I could, I dunno, go fuckin' ask her.

Of course, the fact that my brain started throwing, 'go ask the Primordial Deity of Nature about why fear and sex are interwoven so hard' at me to distract me from Saffron's delightfully infernal Grin probably said something about exactly how hard that Grin hit.

"That's not fair."

"Did I ever say anything about caring about fairness?"

"I'm not sure? It was definitely implied, though. What with you willingly climbing into Marie's tub that first time." Her Grin split for her response, and I got to watch her train of thought slide sideways through the station as Marie interrupted by quietly declaiming, "True."

Her face suddenly terrifyingly serious, she said, "I will have you both know that I make a note of every time I am denied in any way by either of you, and someday in the future you," she gently bonked her head into my chest, "will be the sole target of every ounce of comeuppance I have stockpiled." Before I could even think of a reply over the sudden butterfly horde taking over everyplace south of my neck, Marie replied to Saffron.

"Nice."

"You will sit still and watch."

"Fuck." I couldn't help it, I started giggling.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what she's talking about, oh Feline Goddess of Home and Hearth." Isn't that my job? Cooking, sewing, cleaning, fucking, name me one of those that you're confident you're better than her at. Fuck. And no, I'm not claiming superior expertise in that realm, I am simply acknowledging your point. Please never ask her if she can fish. A Deity needs some sense of superiority, you know. Wouldn't think of it, Boss. You're the best. I know. I think.

"Are you sure that's what I'm talking about?" Holy shit she was good at engendering butterfly uprisings.

"Is it better or worse that I'm not sure which excites me more?"

"Yes." Marie barely got that out before she started quivering with intermingled giggles and purrs. That started Saffron giggling. Before I lost the capacity for speech I said, "Oh, no. Not an even bigger, thornier briar patch. How thorny can these briar patches get?" At which point the menace piped up with, "Wath a bwiah path?" When the three of us stopped giggling about that, Saffron and Marie got up and started getting everyone dressed while I told Isnomi what I remembered about Brer Rabbit.

Which wasn't much, pretty much just the old tale of the trickster who gets the bad guys to throw him into someplace that they thought of as terrifying, but he thought of as a home away from home. A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation. Which, considering how often I thought of Saffron's ought-to-be-bone-chilling pronouncements with a sense of overriding anticipation that made me call them 'briar patches', probably said a lot about my own proclivities.

Anywho, by the time story time was done, everybody was dressed and Saffron popped us all down to breakfast. I definitely realized how much the local cuisine depended on the season, what with how much fish had started replacing other stuff. Kinda weird that what with the food prejudice going on, the predominantly Bag ROTC and Gobbo tables were getting a lot more variation in our diet, since the Maids were bringing us corn and shrimp stuff without hesitation now.

At the end of breakfast the menace went with Marie for the day at Saffron's suggestion, and the two of us made our relatively slow way up to the library, where the Law and Custom class met. When we got there, Doc DeLeon and Sister Cheryl stood at what I still thought of as the 'check out desk', and all the seats had been taken, with lots of Cadets standing as well. There must have been like thirty of us in the first floor of the Library, although I didn't see or hear anyone on the other floors.

Saffron started to move like she was gonna roust somebody out to get me a chair, but I lay a hand on her shoulder, shook my head, and leaned against a bookshelf, propping myself up with my cane and my Kitten. She seemed mollified by her place under my arm, and right about then Doc DeLeon started talking.

"Good Morning, class. Today we begin your formal instruction in the Laws and Customs of Phileo City. Those of you who have been here longer may note that the name of the class has been changed as of this season. This is because while as Heroes of Phileo City you will be required to know the Laws and Customs of the people of Phileo City, as of early last winter Phileo City itself has become part of a greater political unit, which has been referred to informally as the Inter-City Alliance.

As such, you will be, as a class, in a very privileged position, moreso than Heroes in the past or, I daresay, Heroes of the future." He paused to make sure everybody was still, like, awake. Which I might not have been if I hadn't been standing up. Also, a completely non-butterfly twist in my gut had me on the tiniest bit of an edge. Not so much 'danger sense' as Murphy warning sense. At any rate, once satisfied we were all keeping up, Doc DeLeon continued.

"Most Cadets are well aware that it is part of the duties of a Hero to adjudicate the Laws of Phileo City. In addition, from my reading of the treaty which formed the Alliance, Heroes from any Alliance City may be called on to adjudicate the Law in any Alliance City, so long as they have been trained in the Laws and Customs of that City." Saffron's hand shot up, and Doc DeLeon frowned a little as he said, "yes, Cadet Aetos?"

"While I'm glad to hear that your reading meshes with the intentions of the treaty's authors, I would dearly love to hear your thoughts on other possible interpretations." From one of the study carrels in front of us, a student piped up, "How would you know the authors' inten..." Cadet Smith popped her head up to look back at us, froze, and with a muttered, "of course you do," slid back into her seat. On the one hand, I really wasn't thrilled with having Senior Cadet Smith as a replacement rival for Lancaster.

On the other hand, she seemed a fuckton smarter than Larry was back in the day, which meant this was likely to be a battle of the wits rather than a battle of wills. Wait. Shit. She wasn't my personal nemesis. She was Saffron's. Fuck. Well, whatever, she'd helped me with Larry, time for me to do my part, right? Doc DeLeon glared around the classroom; normally he was way more level headed.

I glanced at Sister Cheryl, wondering if she was gonna be 'good cop' to his 'mad cop', but once I did I realized that she was probably the one who had placed a beetle in his rectum. She looked actively pissed off at everyone in the room, Doc DeLeon included, whereas he was just kinda irked at the interruptions. I decided right then and there to zip my lip and convince Saffron to zip hers. Which I did by virtue of sliding her around in front of me, interlacing my fingers with hers, and pulling them around behind me.

I'm not sure if she quite got that I was preventing her from interrupting by keeping her from raising her hand, or if she just thought I wanted to play slightly subtle grab-ass while Doc DeLeon lectured, but either way she kept out of trouble and my ass got grabbed, so... win win, amirite? At any rate, he cleared his throat and continued.

"As such, in addition to the class' normal curriculum of the Laws and Customs of Phileo City, each of you will be expected to study the Laws and Customs of one of the other Alliance Cities. In the future, each City will have its own dedicated class here at the Phileo Academy, but for here and now, this is it." Cadet Smith's hand popped up. When Doc DeLeon acknowledged her, she asked, "That's very forward thinking, Doctor, but how will we study both at the same time?" He nodded.

"That is an excellent question. The answer, as unpleasant as this may be from a student's perspective, is that you will required to do somewhat more than twice the independent work as previous classes have done. Essentially, for every Case Study, Essay, and Research Paper you would normally complete regarding the Laws and Customs of Phileo City, you will be expected to complete one from your chosen non-Phileo City as well." Cadet Smith's hand popped up, "Which Cities are those, Doctor?"

"Excellent question, Cadet Smith. At present the Inter-City Alliance consists of Phileo City, New Amsterdam, Calverton City, Newark, and Camden Yards." The moment those last words left his mouth, Cadet Smith's hand shot up again.

"Why are we studying Camden Yards' Laws and Customs like they're a separate City?" While I kinda liked Saffron using my ass as her own personal stress balls, I'm not sure I'd survive the rest of the introductory lecture, let alone the whole semester.

"Because as we have recently been reminded by a few rather perceptive Cadets, Camden Yards is, in fact, its own legal entity separate and apart from Phileo City. Unlike many of the Cities suborned by New Amsterdam, we never formally absorbed Camden Yards, and as such they have asserted their legal right to be considered a separate City from a legal perspective.

As they have had Phileo's Laws dictated to them for much of that time, their own Legal structure has changed to mirror ours, but their Customs are, in many ways, substantially different. Some of you may consider Camden Yards to be the 'easy' selection, but trust me, the very fact that the differences in Law are subtle, yet meaningful, and the Customs are often overlooked by Phileo citizens will make them a far more difficult choice than it might first appear."

"If you say so, Doctor. How are we supposed to do twice the classwork in what was already one of the more academically challenging courses at the Academy?" I blame my blurted response on Saffron. You squeeze a stress ball hard enough stuff just pops out.

"We're supposed to shut up and soldier and get that shit done." Doc DeLeon cleared his throat to forestall Cadet Smith's inevitable response, then, after shaking his head and rubbing his temples a little, said, "while Cadet Diaz' comment may be more flippant, less politic than I would have preferred, I'm afraid she is, in essence, correct. The lecture portion of the course has been cut back substantially, allowing you more time for independent work, and also allowing me more time to work with each of you directly.

In addition, Archivist Saturday, Sister Cheryl, will be available to assist you as well; while her knowledge of law specifically might not be as deep as mine, her knowledge of academia in general and the written resources available to you in particular will make her an invaluable resource for your independent work."

He paused, looked around to make sure everyone was following, then said, "also, in addition to your normal work, there will be an unusual opportunity for extra credit, one your predecessors and your successors will likely not have nearly so often. Anyone providing confirmed written resources regarding the Laws and Customs of Alliance Cities will receive credit for doing so in direct proportion to how exhaustive the resources are.

You will have full access to the books here in the Library, and as you might guess from that extra credit opportunity, we are looking to procure more copies of the books on Laws and Customs of other Alliance Cities for your use as we speak. Students making legible, complete, usable copies of our existing texts will also receive credit, since one cannot copy a text without, in theory, reading it." Nobody's come up with a Photocopy Spell? A what now? Later, Kitten.

At this point Sister Cheryl, who had been stewing the whole time, stepped forward. I realized as she stood next to Doc DeLeon that she couldn't be much more than an inch taller than Saffron, and I was reminded forcibly about comments about not angering short people, because they were closer to Hell already.

"Normally I would note that there are enough copies of Law and Custom of Phileo City for each of you to use one during class time, but at some time in the past year someone stole a copy. So until that copy is returned, no extra credit will be given for any additional copies of Law and Custom of Phileo City. This is non-negotiable." Fuck. Not until you return that copy without her catching you, Goof.