Chương 300: Day Two Hundred And Ninety-Eight

Dear Diary, Okay, I know that I'm trying to grow up and be a better person, deserving of my awesome wife who is so totally into me that she's into other people literally getting into me, not to mention all the other perks and bennies I've gotten, but lately it seems like life is conspiring to empower my inner twelve year old. Seriously. Karlson? Weird spelling, but I'm not quite so uncultured to realize that some people spell Carl with a K, and not just bitchy baristas spelling it Cark. Swanson?

Not anybody's fault that apparently in the here and now, Norse sailors have gone with the deep dish tray instead of the gimbal, and dude just uses those same trays at home. But... but... but... Anyhow, after sending Swanson to become one with the back wall of his longhouse, I held up one finger to my newly won lackeys. At that point Bjorn screamed, threw off the pair of guys holding him down, and came at me, a rushing charge not unlike what Karlson had done.

But Bjorn wasn't Karlson, and I had some solid Attribute Mimicry going on now. I dropped to my knees, falling backwards to the ground just ahead of his rush. As he passed over me I reached up, grabbed, twisted, and yanked. As I listened to him tumble ass over teakettle, the car crash cacophony bringing a smile to my face, I kipped up, held up my prizes, and announced, "knees are God's way of telling you not to try anything too difficult. Kneecaps doubly so."

I dropped Bjorn's kneecaps in the churned up mud beneath me and said, "now, as I was gonna say, I'll be right back." With that, I stepped over to Gormsson's throne room, flicked a copy of the letter I'd given Swanson at him, and stepped back to Swanson's longhouse. I stretched a bit, because both Gustav and Swanson had beat the shit out of me. Nothing seemed broken or dislocated, but I was definitely gonna have some interesting purpling by tomorrow. You do realize you could Heal yourself?

Or, should you have difficulty doing so, come here and your wife and I will restore you to full health? Aw, you're sweet, Boss, but... I dunno. All the dirt and shit disappearing was just taking a bath. Fixing stuff that is outright broke I could live with, what with this whole mission being about shit way more important than my pride. But erasing all the stupid dings and cuts? No idea, but that would be a step too far. As you wish, Tabitha Diaz. But I worry that you court death by a thousand cuts. Oh, no!

Not courting Death! What will Thanos think? What will Deadpool think? Wait, no, he'd be cool with a threesome, and Thanos can suck my ass until he dies of cinnamon poisoning. I took it as a deep and meaningful personal victory that he just stopped talking, like I'd left him sitting there, mouth hanging open, until Sigyn came by to reboot him.

In all seriousness, his silence more likely had to do with Sigyn's boots than my random bullshit, but I don't begrudge him or her that at all, and I don't think he'd begrudge me thinking I beat him in a tiny Trickster's battle of wits. Or battle of lackwits? One of those. I pushed my way past the inner doors, and they crashed to the floor like they weighed way more than they did. I found Swanson embedded in the back wall of the room in a tangle of bags, chests, and broken shelves.

"You alive back there?" The only response he gave was a pained groan, so I said, "two grunts if you're stuck, one grunt if you just hurt too much to move." He let out a single long groan.

"Okay. Try not to tense up." I grabbed his ankle and stepped to the middle of the room. He thumped down about six inches to the ground.

"Ow." I stepped to loom over his face.

"You gonna argue with me about you losing due to me throwing you out of the ring?" His eyes fluttered, like his body wanted them closed, but he refused. While he worked his mouth, I guessed it was pride or something, but when he managed to get his voice working and his eyes behaving, or at least obeying him, I realized he was definitely not looking at my eyes. Eh. Fuckit.

"Will you hit me again if I do?"

"Probably." He groaned, a pained smile stretching across his face.

"Will you bed me if I don't?" I couldn't help it. I laughed. I definitely didn't care that it made his view of my intimate jiggle physics that much jigglier. The man managed to mix 'polite' and 'horny' in a not unpleasant way.

"I mean, not today. Not likely any time soon. I've got shit to do, and I'm presently satisfied with my current embedding. But I can tell you that if you keep getting back in the ring with me, death may ensue, and I do not fuck dead guys."

"Well then. I suppose my choice is clear. Congratulations on your victory, my liege." I raised an eyebrow as he continued to enjoy the view.

"Your what now?" If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

"I did get that hank of hair, did I not?"

"Fair point." I reached a hand down, Shaping a Heal Injury and slamming it into him when he grabbed it. I did not expect him to be mid-kip-up when I did, and his subsequent seizure wound up with him headbutting me right in the crotch.

"Ow." He stood there, back to me, rubbing his forehead.

"A request, my liege?"

"I'm listening." He turned, still rubbing his forehead.

"Please do not dispute my story that you left this bruise as a reminder?" I chuckled.

"Do your job right, to my satisfaction, or I'll definitely tell them exactly how it happened, Seneschal Swanson."

"I live to satisfy my liege." I shook my head.

"Not that I'm not flattered, or entirely eternally uninterested, but that's enough of that for today." I grabbed his shoulder and stepped the two of us out to the Green, then waved Marie, Hilde, and my Lizard Bois over to me. When they arrived, I said, "Marie, can you drop Hilde off with Larry and Bonnie?" At her nod, I said, "Hilde, let Larry know I need you to stay with them tonight. You can use my rooms there if they can't find you another place. Or if you just want to." She stepped up close to me.

"Lady, am I free?"

"You are."

"May I stay with you and your family?" I sighed.

"Not an option, Hilde."

"Have I displeased you, Lady?" I held out my arms, and she leapt into them. I pinned her arms to keep them from the roaming they'd looked absolutely ready to do, then gave her a hug. As I released her, I spun her around and nudged her back toward Marie.

"You're fine, Hilde. Nobody's pissed at you, but I think if you stayed with us right now, you might cause some marital tension." Before she could say anything, because she'd already opened her mouth to deny any homewrecking intentions, I cut her off and said, "Not you, Hilde. And once you've got your feet under you? If you're old enough and secure enough for it to be one of many options? If you'd still like to, come visit.

Hell, once you're settled in where I intend to foster you, coming to visit one way or the other is an option. But that's it for now, okay?"

"Would you let me stay here if I wished?" I shrugged.

"I shouldn't, but I would. Thing is? If anything unpleasant happened to you down here? There's the distinct possibility that my wife would be excessively displeased. And she's a lot meaner and more thorough than me." When she looked a little mulish, I said, "look. You helped me out today. Spend a night living in the lap of Lancaster House luxury, spend a week or two living with the folks I'm gonna foster you to. Call it a vacation, a reward. Okay?"

"Yes, Lady." I nodded to Marie, and the two of them disappeared. I looked at my Lizard Bois, two of whom now looked like they'd skipped arm day since forever, but now had actual Lizard Boi arms instead of babby arms, and asked, "do any of you guys know how to get to Jarl Johnson's place?" They slammed the butts of their halberds into the ground once.

"Okay then, lead on!" As we ran, I turned and said, "make sure nobody leaves or dies, Seneschal!"

"I shall endeavor to do so, my liege!" The four of us ran. I realized right then that if I knew where Johnson's place was, I could get there way faster, but I didn't. Also, I kinda wanted some active meditation time to come to terms with my soundtrack. Okay, come to terms with having one just a little bit, think of ways to use it with the whole 'power of stories' thing, and most of all? Convince myself that 'getting super cool super powers' was not an acceptable reason to go hunting Gods for sport. Seriously.

That leads directly, inevitably to squatting atop the shit pyramid. The Bois and I bivouacked again, although this time the timing had more to do with the deer we spooked. As my brain still hadn't decided between 'aw, Bambi!' and 'venison?' my lead boi threw his halberd, cleanly beheading it between bounces. They rendered it out pretty quick, although I really shouldn't have watched.

Somehow pureeing Karlson didn't put me off my feed, but watching them rip the legs off the carcass like a housewife ripping the legs off a chicken using nothing but brute force and leverage was just a bridge too far. When one of the bois brought me over the two big legs and offered them to me, I took one and pushed the other back to him.

"You guys look like you need more food than me." I hefted my one venison leg.

"This'll be fine." They looked at me, slow-panned to the body and head, then back to me.

"Oh, yeah, you guys can totally have those. I'm good with this." Watching them eat was maybe even less appetizing than watching them render the deer, but hey, not like they wasted any of it or were cruel to the thing or anything. I'm not gonna be the one to damn somebody for poor table manners in the field. For my part, I extruded a little Mana Blade, getting a little nostalgic as I first sliced the skin away, then peeled off slice after slice, cooking them as I sliced them bite sized.

For a kinda big definition of 'bite', but nothing I couldn't handle. When I'd finished up, they dug a me-sized pit, shoveled the remains in, then covered it over. By the time they finished, I could barely tell there'd been a bloody feast here. Then they did their grass trampling thing, and again I snuggled up in the middle of them. Mimic watched Domnu sifting through the midden heap, looking for her little lost lamb. My bois moved slow this morning.

They seemed warm enough at night, but maybe they're just not limbered up or something? At any rate, it took us all day today before we hit our next destination. We bypassed like three other little towns, close enough to spook the Thralls working in the fields, but never getting within a half mile of the village proper. Eventually, not long before dark, they led me to a big Green, surrounded on all sides by fields.

Unlike most of the villages I'd seen so far, this one had a river running between the Green and the village. Not Delaware between Phileo and the Yards wide, but maybe Schuylkill at the Academy wide. A floating bridge ran across the river, made up of a few big sections. Each section had a couple siege weapons mounted on it, and the middle one had a sign angled to be seen from our end of the bridge and the eastern river as well. I read it and couldn't help it. I dropped to the ground laughing. ATTENTION!

THIS BRIDGE BELONGS TO BIG JOHNSON ALL WHO PASS MUST STOP ALL WHO PASS MUST TITHE ALL WHO PASS MUST BOW TO BIG JOHNSON SUPREMACY See what I mean? How is my inner twelve year old supposed to deal with that shit?