Chương 18: Bk 1 Ch 16: Mitigation

I stare at Anja floating in front of me and try to figure out what the fuck I'm gonna do now. I don't want to kill her, but I also don't want to let a magical with a personal grudge against me just walk away. I can't afford to stay quiet for too long, though, so I'll just have to play it by ear.

"Your brother?" I ask, carefully keeping my tone mildly curious.

"I've killed quite a few people, but all of them had something in common. I wonder if your brother was one of the Wildfire Boys who assaulted me, or just one of the ones who did nothing to stop them?" I'm not exactly lying, but I'm certainly implying. I can tell it hits home from the way she flinches.

"He- he wouldn't have. He was trying to get out," she says.

"He would've gotten out, if you hadn't killed him!"

"If he'd gotten out, he'd still be alive," I tell her flatly.

"Actions have consequences. Why don't we go and see what consequences your actions have had?" I don't give her time to respond, instead raising both of us higher into the air, floating over the trees in the direction she came from. It doesn't take me long to find what I'm looking for. Through the sparse canopy, I see flashlights waving back and forth and hear voices. I lower us down until I confirm I'm in the right place, then drop her the last dozen or so feet, descending more slowly to hover a few feet above her.

Several kids scramble backwards and swear as we appear. Tyler's here, with his girlfriend cowering behind him and clinging to his arm. Cassie's here too, looking grim. I glance over them briefly, then turn my attention to the figure laying on the ground, and the figure kneeling over him.

"Apollo," I say, injecting a hint of surprise into my voice.

"I wasn't aware you were in league with Valkyrie."

"What? No!" he says. I think his confusion is genuine, but he figures it out after a moment; we can't let on that we already know each other.

"No, I was just, uh, in the area. I heard someone got hurt, I just wanted to see if I could help, but… He's already dead. I'm sorry. Did… did you know him?" I stare at Ryan's body for a couple of seconds before answering.

"... Yes," I say eventually.

"If you really did try to help him, then you have my thanks."

"... Yeah, of course. Sorry I couldn't find him faster."

"No apologies necessary. You didn't kill him." Everyone looks at Valkyrie, who's staring at Ryan's body.

"... No. No, he can't be," she whispers.

"He- I- I didn't mean to!" She chokes on a sob.

"I didn't mean to! I- Oh god, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to, I'm sorry!" Apollo gives the perfect answer for me.

"I don't think what you meant to do really matters much to him." Valkyrie breaks down completely, sobbing into the dirt. After a moment, I land a couple of feet to her side, letting my spear blade fade away and watching silently along with everyone else. My mind is churning, considering options. Eventually, she looks up at me.

"W-Well?" she manages to choke out.

"Just- just fucking get it over with already!" I'm honest enough with myself to know that if it was Cassie lying there, Anja would already be dead. Ryan was one of my people too, but… I didn't really know him that well. He seemed like a decent kid, a little dumb, but his heart was in the right place. I'm sad he's dead, but I'm not crushed. Does that make me a hypocrite? Certainly there will be people crushed by his death, but right now, my main concern is handling this without damaging my reputation. Whatever.

There'll be time for navel-gazing later.

"I'm not going to kill you," I reply after a couple of seconds.

"No, I'm going to do something worse to you. I'm going to make you live. Live with the knowledge that whatever else you might do or become, you will always be a killer. His name was Ryan. You killed him, along with your own dreams of being a hero. Now, you have to live with that. If you want to take the coward's way out, you can do it yourself. I'm not going to do it for you." With that, I lift both of us back into the air.

Then, I hurl her over the trees and deeper into the forest with the strongest gravity field I can make. After a few seconds, there's a distant crash. That'll hurt, but it won't kill her through her transformation, and it'll keep her clear of the cops when they inevitably get here. I sink back down to the ground. Most of the onlookers are staring at me with undisguised awe. I look over at Apollo.

"Thank you again for trying to help, but I suggest you leave before the police arrive." I glance around at everyone else.

"That goes for the rest of you as well, unless you want to spend the rest of your night being interrogated." They take the hint, quickly scattering. Cassie lingers a little longer, and I give her a tiny nod to let her know I don't need anything else from her. Apollo stays longer still, waiting until we're alone to speak.

"... Fuck," he says.

"Do parties always go like this?" I snort in grim amusement.

"Um, I could actually talk to the cops, if you want me to. Let 'em know it was Valkyrie who killed him, and you didn't have anything to do with it." I shake my head.

"I appreciate it, but you don't need to. She targeted him once before already, she'll be their first suspect. Best if your being here stays as just a rumor."

"Yeah, okay," he agrees, sound a bit relieved.

"How come you didn't, like, take her talisman? Just turn her over to the cops?" I consider him for a moment.

"That's a complicated question, and I don't have time to explain it right now. Can you meet tomorrow? Maybe I can, like, buy you icecream or something, if you want."

"You mean, like, in civvies?" I nod.

"... Okay. Sure. Uh, I finish at the hospital at 8, but it might take me a little while to slip away after that."

"That's perfect, I finish work at nine," I say.

"Want to meet somewhere near campus?" He laughs once.

"Wait, you have an actual job?"

"Later."

"Right, yeah. Sure, that sounds good."

"Cool, I'll call you." Once he's gone as well, I kneel down next to Ryan. I look at his body for a moment, then shake my head and sigh.

"Sorry, man. You deserved better than this." There's not really anything else to say, so I pull up his hoodie and slice through the shoulder strap under it, pulling out his bag and his gun. Without anything incriminating on him, the narrative should naturally settle into a nice clean story of an unhinged magical becoming obsessed with an innocent kid.

I can't make the whole thing vanish; I'm not sure exactly how the rules work, but I know I can only store things if they'll fit in something I was wearing before I transformed, and all I had tonight was a tiny little purse. I manage to get the cash and some of the drugs, then fling the rest off deeper into the woods. It'll probably be found eventually, but by then it won't make any difference. I hesitate a moment longer before leaving, but there's nothing else to be done.

Alex parked on the street, about a block away. I spot her nervously waiting by the car, clearly hoping that's where I'll go. I land behind a tree a little ways away and transform, then hurry out towards her. She notices me after a few seconds.

"There you are! Thank fuck," she says, coming to meet me and giving me a huge hug.

"I'm so sorry for losing you, we got trapped in the house by those blue clone things, by the time we could get out you were already gone."

"It's okay, it was my fault, I didn't even realize you weren't right behind me until I was already out of the house," I reassure her.

"What the hell's going on, what was that huge crash?"

"I dunno, but some kids were yelling about another magical showing up and getting in a fight with that Valkyrie chick."

"Holy shit," I say with a straight face.

"Is everyone else okay?"

"As far as I know, but Cassie went to look for Tyler, him and Laurel were off in the woods somewhere."

"Fuck, I hope they're alright. D'you think we should go back and help as well?" She hesitates.

"If you want to, we can, but I dunno if there's anything we could do either way, and someone must have called the cops by now."

"... Yeah, you're right, we should probably get out of here," I say, feigning reluctance.

"I'm sure they're fine." Alex speculates continuously on what exactly went down as she drives me home. I do my best to contribute without giving away that I know more than I'm saying. Part of me wants to just come clean now, especially since she's definitely putting more of the blame on Valkyrie than on me, but I know it's still too soon for that. I'm inevitably going to become a more publicly known figure after this, I can make a decision once I have a better feel for what she thinks of my alternate persona.

For now, as much as I enjoy spending time with her, it's a bit of a relief when she drops me off and I can finally take a moment to think about everything that just happened. At the time, sparing Anja was more of an instinct than a carefully considered decision, but I think it was the right one.

I probably could have killed her without bringing the white masks down on my head since she's crossed that line herself now, but they'll certainly figure out who really killed Firestorm after this, so it's good to demonstrate that I can also be merciful. Also, while I'm probably going to fess up to Apollo tomorrow, telling him I've killed people is a very different proposition from actually killing someone in front of him.

That would almost certainly still be a bridge too far for him, even if I could convince him intellectually that it was justified. More than that, the ugly truth is that I know who Anja is now. If she continues causing trouble for me even after this, it'll be trivial to just make her quietly disappear. I hope she doesn't, though, because I don't want to kill her. And if there's a silver lining to Ryan's death, it's that I might not need to now.

I doubt she ever would've forgiven me for being the one to put her brother down without something shattering her worldview like this. Now, though, I have a chance to help her pick up the pieces and put them back together. It makes me especially glad I've been trying to cheer her up anyway, since I already have a foundation to build on. The next day, I call up Mark before work and tell him what went down so he can pass the bad news to Ryan's friends.

I tell him to let Zach and AJ know that their remaining punishment is lifted; anything I can do to them to teach them the consequences of recklessness is completely redundant at this point. Work itself is honestly a nice change of pace, a few hours of absolute normalcy, just watching a bunch of kids have fun; the worst consequence of any drama here will be a month-old couple breaking up. I end up meeting Elliot at this pizza place a couple blocks from the hospital.

There's a big group of college kids celebrating a football game or something and making plenty of noise, so we're not at any risk of being overheard. As promised, I buy him a slice and a soda, and one for myself as well. He's technically way richer than me, but all of his theoretical money is locked up in a trust fund which is intentionally a pain in the ass to access, whereas most of my money is in cash.

"You doing alright?" I ask him once we take a seat in the corner.

"Yeah, I'm okay," he says.

"I've seen people die before, at the hospital. It's… not nice, but I guess I'm mostly used to it. Honestly kind of feel like I should feel worse than I do about it, you know? Like, the rest of the night was amazing, but it doesn't really seem fair to focus on that."

"Don't beat yourself up over it, you didn't have anything to do with it, and you did your best to help. You don't want me to start throwing pinecones at your head again, do you?" He laughs a little.

"Alright, fair. I'm still curious why you just let her go, though. Like, I guess you're probably not on great terms with the cops, but you said you knew that kid she killed, right? Don't you want her to go to jail or something?"

"That's a complicated question. But the short answer is, I recognized her. She didn't crash the party just to cause trouble. She was already there."

"Holy shit, seriously? Like, one of the kids around the fire?"

"Yeah. In fact, I invited her."

"Jesus. What are the chances?"

"Not as low as you might think, but that's a long story," I say. I'm not a hundred percent sure he's ready for this, but just like unmasking to him, it's a calculated risk. Besides, he'll probably find out on his own before too much longer even if he's sheltered. Better that he hear it from me.

"I don't know exactly what went down between her and Ryan, but the reason why she went after him in the first place is because he's part of my gang, the Sun Eaters."

"... Oh," says Apollo. This is the reason why I wanted to do this in civvies; it makes it a lot less likely that he'll completely freak out.

"I, uh… I didn't realize you had an actual gang. So… You really are a full-on black mask, then?"

"I am."

"So, uh… What kind of stuff do you do?"

"Who do you think supplied all the drugs and booze at the party last night?" I ask, grinning slightly.

"... Right, yeah, I guess that makes sense. Wait, so, does that mean Cassie…?"

"She's in the Sun Eaters too. She was the first person I told about being a magical, she was pushing for it right from the start." He chews on that for a minute.

"... Huh. I mean, I guess I can kind of see that? It's just… not really what I expected." I shrug.

"Does it really surprise you that the people who make the rules lie about the people who don't follow them?"

"No, I guess not," he says, shaking his head slowly.

"So, like… You guys just sell weed and stuff? You're not, like, robbing and killing people?"

"We just sell weed and stuff," I confirm.

"But… Do you remember Firestorm?"

"Um, he was that guy who got killed by the Syndicate a couple months ago, right?"

"Yes, except the Syndicate didn't kill him. I did." It takes him a few seconds to decide that I'm not joking.

"W-Why?" he eventually stammers nervously.

"Because I got sick of his gang trying to assault me and my friends in my civilian life. They pulled guns on me multiple times, even tried to kidnap me the last time." I shrug again.

"I still could've just defended myself and then let the Syndicate deal with him, or even the white masks. He was definitely going out of his way to piss off literally everyone he could. Honestly, though? I wanted to do it myself. And I'm telling you this because that mindset is the biggest reason why I'm stronger than you even though I've only been a magical for a fraction of the time. Not… Not necessarily a willingness to kill, but more…

If you want the world to be a certain way, you need to make it that way, not just wait around and hope someone else does it for you." He stares at me with wide eyes for several seconds, glancing around nervously a couple of times as though considering whether he can escape, pizza forgotten.

"That's, uh… That's kind of a lot. Why… why are you telling me now?"

"Cause if I'd told you earlier, you probably would've run away screaming. But I don't want to bullshit you. You deal with enough of that already."

"... So is this, like, the part where you try to recruit me, then?" I laugh a little.

"Elliot, you're a registered magical. Recruiting you would be about the dumbest possible thing I could do. Yeah, maybe if the shit really hits the fan at some point having you as a friend will be useful, but that's not why I'm doing it. I'm doing it because… I wanna see who you become when you stop holding yourself back." Again, he doesn't respond for a while.

"I gotta think about all this," he says eventually.

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna, like, turn you in or anything. I definitely owe you that much. I just…"

"It's a lot to think about," I say when he trails off.

"Yeah. Thanks, though. For being honest with me."

"Sure." He stares at me for a minute longer, then shakes his head and laughs a little.

"Man, I thought I had you figured out, but now I'm not sure. Is Schwarzschild the act, or is Gabby the act?" I laugh as well.

"Why can't they both be real? People aren't just one thing, everyone acts different at work than they do with their friends or whatever. I just… take it a little further than most." He stays for a little longer, long enough to at least finish his pizza. I do end up telling him about my day job playing pop for twelve and thirteen year olds; he just shakes his head again, beyond the point of surprise. He does still promise to get in touch with me in a few days before leaving. I'm pretty sure he'll come around.

He's already started burning his old bridges, and I don't think he's confident enough yet to try and go it completely on his own. Then it's Monday, and I'm back at school. At lunch, I loiter in the cafeteria until I spot Anja just to confirm she's alright, but I don't join her. Instead, I badger Tyler and a couple of his friends into joining me, Alex, and Cassie for the GSA meeting.

There's obviously only going to be one topic of conversation today, and I want to spare her from having to sit there while everyone rehashes one of the worst nights of her life.

"... So then she just, like, fucking launches Valkyrie way the hell off into the woods somewhere," Tyler is saying.

"Comes back down and thanks Apollo again, and then tells us all to clear out before the cops show up. We booked it pretty quick after that. Glad you guys made it out alright too, Gabby, Alex."

"Yeah," I say.

"Kinda wish I'd gotten to see her too, but also, like, sounds fucking terrifying."

"It was, honestly. Laurel's kinda pissed at me for hanging around to see what was going on instead of getting out of there immediately. But also, like… How often do you get to see something like that, you know? Like something straight out of a comic book."

"Think I'm fine with missing it," says Alex.

"When someone dies in a comic book, it's no big deal." If you come across this story on Amazon, it's taken without permission from the author. Report it.

"Agreed," says Nina.

"This is the whole problem with magicals. Even when they mean well, they just have too much power. The tiniest little slip-up is enough to get someone killed."

"Well, they're kinda here to stay, right?" says Cassie.

"Like, sure, it would've been better for everyone if that Valkyrie chick hadn't shown up at all. But since she did, I'm glad Schwarzschild got there in time to dick-slap her in the face with a hefty dose of reality before she caused any more trouble."

"I guess so, yeah," says Alex.

"But I'd still rather just not be involved at all."

"Any idea what her name means?" asks Tyler, mostly to Cassie.

"Sounds kinda German or something."

"I think it has something to do with black holes?" I answer in her place. Both Tyler and Alex know I'm into astronomy; it'd probably be more suspicious if I didn't recognize it at all.

"I'll have to look it up later."

"Huh," says Tyler.

"Well, she seems pretty strong. Didn't look like Valkyrie managed to hurt her even a little. I guess Valkyrie is brand-new, but Schwarzschild just seemed, like, totally in-control the entire time. Wonder how long she's been a magical for? Probably at least a couple years, I bet."

"Dunno," says Cassie, shrugging.

"Pretty sure she's at least like nineteen or twenty, though." Tyler nods thoughtfully. Damn, Cassie really is good at this.

"... So, uh," says Will after a moment.

"Apollo totally had to be at the party already, right? Like, Valkyrie showed up to try and arrest people, and Schwarzschild showed up to deal with her, but it doesn't make any sense for him to show up unless he was already there, like, as a civilian."

"I guess he could've been, yeah," says Cassie with a straight face.

"There were like fifty or sixty kids there, probably. I think most of them go to Pine Creek, maybe that's where he goes?"

"Damn. Maybe I should start going to some parties too," says Will.

"Good luck," says Alex.

"My parents were pretty freaked out when they heard what happened, they say no more parties for now until we're sure there isn't gonna be a gang war or something."

"Shit, really? That sucks," I say.

"Yeah. I get it, though. Probably won't be more than a month or two, as long as nothing else happens." We spend the rest of lunch rehashing the events of the weekend and "speculating" about the new magical, to the point that Alex forgets to start the actual meeting until the bell's already rung. I'm happy to get a perspective on myself from someone who doesn't know who I am, and it seems like my work to keep my two personas very distinct has really paid off.

I'm also glad to see that most of them are giving Schwarzschild the benefit of the doubt despite being a black mask; at least some good came out of that whole shitshow. With the topic of conversation at least somewhat exhausted, I make a point to sit across from Anja at lunch the next day.

"Hey, glad you made it home from that party okay," I say, mostly to judge her reaction.

"Sorry it ended up kinda crashing and burning like that." She keeps a pretty good poker face. I catch the tiniest flash of guilt, only because I'm looking for it; I doubt she's fine, but she's at least okay enough to pretend.

"Yeah, well, no offense, but I think your parties might be a little too wild for me," she says dryly. More interesting is the reaction of her friend, Lisa, who's watching Anja carefully with clear concern. Did Anja tell her? I wouldn't be surprised.

"Well, if you want something a little more low-key, we're having a movie night here at West Friday night," I say.

"We're gonna watch, uh, what's that movie you keep hyping up, babe?"

"The Rocky Horror Picture Show," says Alex, grinning. Anja laughs incredulously.

"Holy shit, seriously? You're showing Rocky Horror at school?" I carefully conceal any hint of a smirk. Nailed it.

"Mr. Grayson's awesome, he lets us watch pretty much whatever," says Alex.

"He told the administration we're gonna watch The Nightmare Before Christmas. You guys are welcome to come." Anja hesitates.

"We'll totally come!" Lisa answers for her.

"Come on, you're always bitching that you've never been to a proper screening."

"There won't be any drugs or booze or anything, that'd probably be a bridge too far even for Mr. Grayson," I add.

"And I guess I can't promise there won't be any magicals there, but, uh…" Alex laughs. Anja and Lisa join her after a moment; Anja sounds more natural than Lisa. Yeah, Lisa definitely knows.

"Alright, sure. I'll be there," says Anja after a moment. Anja and Alex spend the next few minutes discussing various musicals, a subject which I know basically nothing about. That's fine; it lets me focus on studying Anja more instead. She's definitely doing better than she was at the start of the year, when she could barely muster up a two-word response to anything. But then, while they're talking about West Side Story, she suddenly grimaces slightly, almost a flinch.

"I, uh, I need to go to the bathroom real quick," she says, standing.

"Oh, me too, actually," says Lisa, standing as well. A slight flicker of irritation passes over Anja's face, quickly hidden, and she shrugs. Both of them head out of the cafeteria. I watch them leave, frowning thoughtfully.

"Something up?" asks Alex after a minute.

"Nah," I say, shaking my head.

"Probably just nothing." They come back a few minutes later, and Lisa tries to rekindle the conversation, but Anja doesn't seem to be in the mood to talk anymore. I keep a careful eye on them for the rest of the week and see the same thing repeat a couple more times; Lisa seems determined not to let Anja go anywhere by herself. I'm not sure exactly what's going on, except that Anja is definitely not in as good of a state as she's putting on.

Friday is the day before Halloween, and I can't resist coming to school dressed up. I've got a poofy white dress covered in rhinestones and glitter, long white stockings, high-heel shoes decorated with more rhinestones, and even a plastic wand with rainbow streamers and a star on the end. I guess it's technically a little risky, but I see plenty of other kids dressed up as various magicals, and even a couple girls who also have Sparkle Princess costumes, so it's not like I'm at all standing out.

Besides, it's totally worth it for the way Cassie keeps struggling not to crack up every time she looks at me. Alex doesn't wear a costume to school, but when I come back a couple of hours later for the movie, she's wrapped in a big black cloak which she stubbornly keeps closed, and she's got heavy eye-shadow and dark red lipstick as well. From the little I know about Rocky Horror, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna enjoy seeing what's under it.

I do have a job to do here tonight, so I try not to let it distract me entirely. I think some of the others might also be wearing costumes from the movie, including Mr. Grayson, who has on a 60's biker outfit. Anja and Lisa arrive dressed like a stereotypical white-picket-fence couple, which I assume is part of the movie as well. Then the movie actually starts, and I immediately see that Alex was right to call it an experience.

People shout responses at the characters, or get up in front of the projector screen and act out the scenes along with the characters they're dressed as, exaggerating their lines or outright ad-libbing them. I have basically no idea what's going on, but the enthusiasm is infectious. Halfway through the Time Warp, Alex drags me out of my seat to do the dance with them. Then, in the next number, she finally whips off her cloak, and I definitely drool a little.

It's a good thing she's reenacting everything, because I barely remember to occasionally glance at the actual screen in between staring at her for the rest of the movie. Fortunately, since Anja is apparently playing a main character, it's easy to keep an eye on her as well. She seems to be going through cycles of genuinely having fun, and then remembering that she's supposed to feel guilty.

She's committed to acting like nothing's wrong, though, so she has to keep pretending to have fun, which then leads back into genuinely having fun again until the cycle repeats. As the credits start to roll, I lean over to Cassie.

"Hey, do me a favor?" I whisper.

"See if you can distract Lisa from Anja for a few minutes."

"Got it." She hops up and heads over to the costumed group in front of the screen. I follow, hanging a little back. Cassie immediately starts making raunchy jokes and hitting on Lisa, who I now know is dressed as Brad. Alex, still in character, gets in on it too. Lisa practically chokes laughing as they pretend to fight over her, and as I suspected, Anja takes the opportunity to slip away and out of the room. I wait a moment, then slip out after her.

Anja's walking fast, already nearly around the corner to the next hallway when I poke my head out. The closest bathroom is in the other direction. I reduce my weight by around three quarters to quiet my footsteps and hurry after her. I carefully poke my head around the corner, watching as she goes into a different bathroom, far enough that no one else is likely to use it. I head that way as well, returning my weight to normal and taking my time a little so it won't be obvious I followed her.

I go into the bathroom and try the first stall, finding it locked.

"Oh, sorry, didn't realize anyone else was in here!" I say cheerfully, moving a couple stalls down instead. Anja stays completely silent, not even moving as far as I can tell. I close the stall door and sit down on the toilet, then carefully lean down to peer under the dividers. If she really is just using the bathroom I'm going to feel embarrassed, but no; I can only see one leg, and it's facing the wrong way. It looks like she's maybe standing in front of the toilet with one leg up on it for some reason.

Luckily, I do actually need to pee a little after the movie, so my excuse for being here is intact, but I take my time about it. Anja stays absolutely still, clearly hoping I'll leave without realizing who's in the other stall. I'm genuinely not sure exactly what's going on, but I'm almost certain there's some kind of opportunity here. How can I take advantage of it, though? I definitely can't let her figure out that I know what's wrong or that I've been watching her.

The problem is solved for me as someone else hurries into the bathroom.

"Anja? Are you in here?" demands Lisa. I hear her rattle the first locked stall.

"Anja, is that you? I swear to god, Anja, if you're-" She finally speaks up, cutting Lisa off.

"I'm just- I'm just peeing, Jesus! Calm down, I'll be done in a minute!"

"Like fuck you are!" says Lisa.

"God dammit, Anja, you promised you were gonna stop this! I can't-" She cuts off again, this time because I flushed the toilet. The point here isn't just to eavesdrop. I open the stall door and step out, finding Lisa staring at me.

"Hey, uh, everything okay?" I ask, putting a little uncertainty into my voice.

"It's, uh…" begins Lisa, shifting awkwardly.

"It's fine," says Anja.

"Just some personal stuff. Don't worry about it."

"I'm, uh, I'm a little worried about it," I respond. Turning back to Lisa, I say, "I don't wanna, like, stick my nose into your business, but… You guys are my friends. If something's going on, I'd like to help if I can." Lisa looks torn for a second, probably worried about exposing Anja's identity. But then Anja insists, "I said it's fine."

"No. No, it's not fucking fine," says Lisa, sighing.

"I didn't want to tell anyone else, Anja, but if you're not gonna let me help you, then I guess I need to. Come on, open the door."

"Fuck you."

"Anja, open this goddamn door, or I swear we'll go get Alex and have her rip it straight of its fucking hinges!" She sighs loudly and mutters, "Fuck." Then, she unlatches the door and steps out, glaring defiantly. In one hand, she's holding an open switchblade. The other hand is holding up her skirt, keeping it clear of the long, bloody cut on her thigh. It takes me only a moment to realize it's in almost the exact same place as the one I gave her during our fight.

"Oh, Anja," sighs Lisa, all the anger going out of her voice.

"Come on, let's get you cleaned up." She starts pulling paper towels out of the dispenser, getting them a little wet to wipe the blood away. I quickly consider all the different things I can say right now. Then I step forward and hug her.

"I'm so sorry I didn't realize you were still having such a hard time." She stiffens, not hugging me back.

"... I don't need your sympathy," she mutters.

"Save it for someone who deserves it." I don't let her go.

"Anja, my best friend is a drug dealer. What makes you think I give a single shit about what anyone deserves? Caring too much about what people deserve makes you do dumb shit like punish yourself for being happy. I'm helping cause I want to, and that's my only reason."

"You… you wouldn't say that if you knew what I did."

"You're still on the whole deserve thing," I tell her.

"Whatever awful thing you think you did, why should I care if it didn't hurt me?"

"I- That's not…" Lisa's standing next to us nervously with the paper towels, so I let Anja go and step back to make room.

"Listen. Maybe you really did do something genuinely awful. Is hurting yourself going to make up for it?"

"It isn't something you can make up for."

"Well, if there's nothing you can do anyway, then what are you worried about?" Her glare comes back.

"Don't fucking pretend like you understand when you've never done something unforgivable."

"Unforgivable to who?" I press.

"Maybe there are people out there who'll never forgive you, but I'm not one of them. And I don't believe in God or Hell anymore. If you didn't hurt me personally, then I. Do. Not. Care." She scoffs.

"So, what, you think I should just forget it, then? Just act like it never happened?"

"I didn't say that. If you fucked up, then you should learn from your mistake. If there are consequences for whatever you did, then you should deal with them. If you want to, I dunno, dedicate your life to charity or something, then do that. But there is no grand arbiter of who deserves what, it's all up to you. You're my friend, so I think you deserve to be happy, so I'm gonna do my best to convince you that you deserve to be happy too."

"I…" She trails off, realizing that any claim that she doesn't will just be met with I don't care again.

"Please, Anja, she's right," says Lisa as she goes to get new paper towels.

"I know how awful you feel about what happened, but hurting yourself like this isn't going to help anyone." For a moment, Anja sort of teeters. Then, she wilts.

"What am I supposed to do, then?"

"I don't know, but not this," says Lisa.

"Whatever you're going through, I'm sure it really sucks, but maybe it's also an opportunity," I say.

"Like… The day my parents found out I'm gay was the worst day of my life, but it was also the first day of my new life, and my new life is honestly way better than my old life. It's like… It's like a forest fire. It burns everything down, but it also makes room for new stuff to grow. If you can't go back to being who you were before, then your only choice is to become someone new."

"And what if the new me is worse than the old me?" asks Anja.

"Worse by whose standards?" I reply.

"Everyone from my old life hates the new me, but why should I give a shit what they think? Stop worrying about whether you're a good person or a bad person, cause who even gets to decide what that means? Instead, think about what kind of person you want to be, or at least what kind of person you think you can live with being." She doesn't respond right away. The cut has mostly stopped bleeding already, partially thanks to her accelerated healing and partially because it was probably pretty shallow to start with.

Lisa throws away the last of the paper towels and speaks up again.

"Let me hold onto the knife for now, okay? Is this your last one, or do you still have more?"

"I…" she sighs, then closes the knife and hands it over.

"I still have one more. I can give it to you this weekend."

"How bout if you sleep over tonight? I'm sure my mom will be okay with it. Then you can give me the last one when we take you home tomorrow."

"... Yeah, okay, sure. Thanks."

"Just hang in there, I promise it'll be okay. Come on, we should get back before everyone starts wondering where we are." Lisa and I usher Anja out of the bathroom and back down the hall to the movie room.

"Oh, hey, there you are," says Alex when we get back, giving me a quick kiss.

"Everything okay?"

"... Anja's having a little bit of a hard time right now," I say.

"I don't wanna say anything else, but try and keep an eye on her, be extra nice to her and stuff, okay?"

"Yeah, of course. Glad you're looking out for her. Good girl," she says, patting me on the head. I blush furiously. A little later, Lisa comes up to me alone.

"Hey. Thanks for helping, seriously."

"Anytime. Let me know if there's anything else I can do."

"I will. Do… Do you know? What Anja did?"

"No," I lie, shaking my head.

"Should I?"

"I… No, I guess there's no reason why you would. I dunno if she'll want to tell you, but try not to press her on it, okay?" I nod.

"Sure." We all hang out for another hour or so before leaving. Honestly, Anja really is a natural actress; even I probably wouldn't notice anything was wrong if I weren't specifically looking for it. It's another thing we have in common. Maybe I should try theater too? Nah, I wouldn't have the time for it on top of everything else, and I don't want people to think of me as a good actress anyway.

A shame, that would've been a good way to regularly spend more time with her, but I'm sure I'll be able to figure something out.