Chương 110: Definitely Not a Witch

So… Something to hide my face and something to hide my class. I opened up the skills menu and read the two skills the System presented me with aloud. [Disguise Self] Type: Active Ever felt like your face just wasn't doing you any favors? Now it doesn't have to be your face! Just try to remember who you actually are. Disguise yourself as a person you have seen before. Low upkeep. [Transform Self] Type: Active Reject humanity, embrace animality.

Whether you need to fly over a wall or just want to bite someone without getting arrested, this is the skill for you. Note: The System is not responsible for any sudden urges to eat mosquitos. Transform yourself into an animal you have seen before. Low upkeep. I pointed at Vasil.

"Don't say it!" He raised his little hands.

"I was not going to mention the mosquitos."

"You just did! But that's also not what I meant. I thought you were going to tell me to turn into a horse again and be all 'You'd be a lot faster, and Kasia could ride you. It would be efficient energy-wise.'" He chuckled.

"That was a good one."

"What? No! It was a terrible one!"

"Oh, I don't know," Kasia said.

"I think it was pretty funny."

"Yeah," Bogumir said.

"I would have laughed out loud if I wasn't held hostage by a bunch of psychopaths."

"Really?" I asked.

"Well, maybe not laughed out loud, but a snicker, sure." I rolled my eyes.

"By the Goddess, Bogumir. I meant the gang of psychopaths part."" That was the part you had a problem with? Look at you guys!" I touched my cheek.

"Is there something on my face?"

"What? I can't see your face because you hung me on your fucking belt. Like a psychopath."

"Woah! It's a skill, alright! I need the enhancements your head brings me. It's not like I have you hanging down there because I think it's cool. Or because I like you so much. Or because I'm a psychopath. This is pure survival, man. Survival from your buddies. If you think about it you did this to yourself, which makes you the real psychopath."

"What?"

"One more thing," I said.

"Just because Vasil is a psychopath—""Hey!" Vasil said.

"And just because you somehow got the wrong impression of me," I continued.

"Doesn't mean you get to be rude to Kasia. She's normal. She's nice." Kasia nodded sagely.

"Super normal." I tapped Bogumir on the top of his head.

"And this whole victim mentality you have going on, it's lame. Take some accountability for your own poor life choices."

"I didn't choose to be hung from your belt!" he scoffed.

"I don't know, from where I'm standing—and since I still have legs I can actually stand, unlike you—it does all seem to go back to your own choices. You chose a dumb class with dumb skills that let you survive as a head. What was your plan once someone destroys your body?"

"The plan was to not get my body destroyed." That made me laugh.

"Great plan! Was messing with Kasia also part of your plan?"

"That wasn't me! That was Irena!"

"You were her squad leader, were you not?" Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

"Well, yeah." I shook my head.

"Should have stopped her." He was quiet for a moment, then said, "Yeah I know that now. Wasn't really expecting someone to throw a talking frog at me, though. Or that I'd be kept prisoner as an accessory, hanging from the belt of the person who murdered my entire team."

"First of all, it was self defense. Second, it could have been worse."

"How could this possibly be worse?" he asked.

"You could have been dead."

"I think that would have been better."

"She could have smelled bad," Kasia said with a shrug. Once again Bogumir was silent for a few moments.

"She does smell nice." I gently patted his head.

"See, you're a lucky man." He merely grunted in response. I glanced at Vasil, who was staring at me with some kind of goofy grin.

"So are you—" he started.

"I'm not turning myself into a horse," I interrupted. While he chuckled, I quickly selected [Disguise Self]. The guy made one joke in his life and couldn't stop bringing it up and laughing at it like it was something to be proud of. I shook my head. And they say I'm the crazy one. [Disguise Self acquired.] On to the next. It kind of felt like a waste to spend a skill point on something that would mislead people who had an apparently rare class identification skill, but better safe than sorry.

Especially since in my case sorry meant dead. I opened up the menu again and asked the System for something that would allow me to display a different class. I read the first one aloud. [Career Change] Type: Toggle Tired of being a [Psychopathic Witch]? Why not try being a [Humble Turnip Farmer] or a [Disgruntled Accountant]? This skill allows you to pretend you have a real job. Warning: Does not actually grant the skills of the chosen profession. Change your displayed Class into any real profession. Low mana cost.

"It doesn't say that," Bogumir said.

"I wish it didn't," I replied.

"Looks to me like you're having a bad influence on my System, Bogumir. I can't say I appreciate that very much."

"Or the System simply agrees with me."

"No, because my class obviously isn't [Psychopathic Witch]. That's probably not even a real class. At least I hope it isn't."

"Right," Bogumir said.

"You're a [Kataraloga], some bullshit curse class." I rolled my eyes.

"Really, Bogumir? You fought me and you still believe I'm some kind of curse witch? No wonder you're just a head and all your friends are dead. You guys are dumb as hell."

"But the Church said—""The Church is a bunch of idiots. Why they lied to you I don't know. Maybe they wanted you to get killed by giving you the wrong information. I'm a [Gunwitch], hence the guns."

"Hmm. That does make more sense."

"Yeah. So why would the Church lie about my class? It's not like I've been hiding it."

"That… I can't think of any reason why they would lie about that."

"Guess your friends aren't as trustworthy as you thought, huh?" He didn't respond to that, and since there was apparently another skill that allowed me to change my class, I checked that out. Like always I read it aloud. [Forged Credentials] Type: Toggle Reality is whatever you say it is. Want to be a [Grand Archmage] while only Level 1? Or a [Professional Baby Deliverer]? Now you can be anything you can imagine. Warning: [Definitely Not a Witch] is not as clever as you think it is.

Change your displayed Class into something of your choosing. Low mana cost.

"Well, Hecate," Vasil said.

"The System definitely knows you." I waved him off.

"Oh, please. Like I'd be dumb enough to change it to something like [Definitely Not a Witch]." I turned to Kasia for support, but she just looked at me and shrugged.

"I wouldn't," I said, crossing my arms. Maybe I would have done it. It would have been pretty funny. Not funny if someone killed me because of it, but still a little funny.

"You're still thinking it would be funny," Kasia said.

"Am not." She pointed at my face.

"What?" I asked.

"You're smiling because you were thinking about changing your class to [Definitely Not a Witch]." I clapped my hand over my mouth.

"I'm smiling because it makes me look prettier. It has nothing to do with what I'm definitely not thinking about doing." Damn it, I thought. It does totally sound like something I'd do. Especially now I phrased it like that. Now they're definitely going to be thinking that that was what I was thinking about. And it was what I was thinking about! Maybe next time I should read the text first, and if it's something stupid like this just pretend it says something else, that way people won't use it against me.

I shook my fist at the System. Kasia raised an eyebrow. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, then selected [Forged Credentials]. [Forged Credentials acquired.] It clearly was the better of the two skills. Not because of that thing I wasn't planning on doing, but because it allowed more flexibility and creativity. When I opened my eyes again I turned to Vasil.

"Now that I've spent all my skill points I'm wondering about something."

"Yes?"

"We've been putting a lot of focus on my skills, but you also gained three levels during that fight. What skills did you take?"

"I only chose one new skill. [Gape] is what allows me to stretch my mouth further." I frowned.

"[Gape]? Why does that sound so dirty? Your class really is cursed."

"Dirty?" he asked, confused.

"What's dirty about it?"

"I don't know. It just sounds weird."

"You are the one making it weird."

"I don't know, Vasil. Why don't you check out some other skills, see if they also have cursed names. You still have two skill points to spend, so you better get to it. I don't want Kasia to die because of your negligence. I worked hard to get you those levels!"

"Huh?" Kasia said.

"Yeah!" I said.

"Make yourself useful, Vasil!" He shook his head as if to shake off the confusion.

"Very well, I will see what is available to me."