Chương 719: Day Seven Hundred And Seventeen

Dear Diary,"When you choose to harm others, You limit their Agency, You take away their choices." - Tabitha Diaz, Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Agency In the fourth Verse of the Book of Agency, the Goddess explains the reason why we are to be mindful of how we use our Agency. Any harm we do to others perforce limits their Agency, as they no longer have the options they did before they were harmed. That is, in fact, the Goddess' practical definition of harm; to take away the choices of another.

Of especial note is that she does not prohibit her followers from harming others. She will not be pleased by harm, for that inherently limits Agency in the world. Yet there may be occasions where harming another is permitted, even preferred. Most commonly, it is when that harm prevents another from limiting the Agency of others. In short, whenever we interact with others, it is best to be mindful of how our choices affect theirs.

When we can, when it will not harm us in ways we wish to avoid, we ought seek to maximize Agency in all our actions. - Priestess Most High Above All Others, Archmage Imperator Saffron Aetos-Diaz, Commentary on the Doctrine of Tabitha Yeah. Um. Maybe my Kitten is a little bit of a zealot. Okay, yeah, that's the Understatement of the Year. Possibly the Decade. There's a non-zero chance it's in the running for Understatement of the Century, even. She's my...

My love, my life, my Wife, my Kitten, my always and forever, and that means I really can't afford to lie to myself about her. She is absolutely a zealot, which I think is one reason why I started out trying to make my Holy Book crystal clear on shit. Okay, not crystal clear, because poetry can't be crystal clear, ever, but clear enough that she wouldn't start building pyramids with easy flow blood channels and shit. Because my Kitten would absolutely do that.

I want to say something like, 'she's not mean or cruel or evil', but my adorkable little bitch can absolutely be the cruelest, pettiest, worst person in the world if something pushes her that way. I've seen bits of it, and experienced other bits. But beyond all of that, she's faithful, in the old school 'full of faith in her chosen Deity' sense. Which is really fuckin' weird when I, her Wife, am also her chosen Deity.

I'm still more than a little freaked out by that; even with me generally being the sub in our pairing, not to mention Commandmenting her to 'do as she will', that I'll wind up using her, and not in the fun nominally acceptable 'I wanna get off and she wants to be the device I've chosen to get myself off' sense. I'm worried... holy shit I'm worried I'll take her Agency away. Weird. I don't worry about that with Siobhan. Not very much, anyhow.

Which is weird, because where with Saffron it's always a challenge, a contest, a wrestling match where neither of us will be upset with losing, because the worst possible outcome then is watching in a post-orgasmic haze as our partner uses us to satisfy or even satiate themselves. Siobhan, on the other hand... She doesn't wrestle. Doesn't struggle. She gleefully hands over her Agency to one of us and trusts us, utterly and completely. Wow, that's actually both really hot and explains a lot.

Because with Saffron, I'm always worried that she'll hint, suggest, even outright tell me I need to stop, but I'll take it as another verbal play and override her. With Siobhan, anything where she hesitates I'm instantly aware of, can account for and pull back from.

Yeah, that definitely explains why I can go full Domme on our Darling without worrying, but hesitate to do that shit with our Kitten without a whole shit ton of things like safe words and openly voiced Consent to me doing wacky shit to her in the name of whatever. Of course, she's still a zealot, and I definitely had to worry about that when writing my Holy Book. Of course, then Ria went and Blessed me. I wished for amnesia and hallucinations, and I got them.

Worst, my memory on most of the Verses from here on out is fuzzy, like all the memories from those days. Including one where Saffron invited me to puppet her for a kiss, and I wound up using her like an animated Real Doll, which I am now even more horrified by. So yesterday when I brought everybody home for the night I realized that I'd brought Tallulah home without thinking about it.

Did a whole buffet of the kids' favorites for dinner, and I didn't even realize until our long, tall, Sidhe Overlord had a plate full of some of everything, brought to her a piece at a time by our girls, that I'd done so for just that reason. Fun and sad watching her eat, since she obviously enjoyed most of it, but by halfway through the meal she'd hit her fill limit, but kept packing it in because she didn't want to disappoint anybody.

I'm not sure if she liked Ria's favorite eggy grilled cheese less than anything else or if she'd just hit the point where every bite had to be taken carefully, followed with plenty of water to keep shit down. I took pity on her when we went up to the Bath. I played with the kids, doing the whole kaiju tentacle monster thing with them, while Tallulah floated there with the pregnant ladies. That reminded me, and I did my best to hide my sad.

I didn't think she knew, and I didn't want her thinking looking at her made me sad. Playing with the kids helped with that, as did the woman herself floating there more or less trying to remain motionless. When we put the kids to bed, I pulled her aside and up to my office. She looked at me, raising an eyebrow.

"I expected your Bedroom." This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings. I smiled gently at her.

"Nah. You didn't look up to anything energetic after dinner." At the mention of food, she got a little green around the gills and urped, her hand shooting up to cover her mouth.

"Forgive me, Goddess. Your cooking was..."

"Why you're overstuffed to being a little sick at the moment. Don't worry about it. I made stuff the kids like, and they wanted to share it with you, and you didn't want any of them to feel left out. I'm just kinda sad I didn't think about how little you normally eat and make stuff easier to do trial bites of." She shrugged.

"Would the children have recognized that and brought me smaller portions of their favorites?" I laughed gently at that.

"I worry a bit about the portion sizes, frankly." I gave her some side eye over that.

"Aren't you worried they'll..." she waved her hands, trying not to say 'get fat', but obviously meaning that. I shook my head, realizing she still meant well.

"Our girls, all of them, are pretty active. We don't force them to eat, we don't deny them food. They eat when they're hungry, until they're not hungry." I paused, thinking.

"I guess the closest we get to worrying about nutrition is making sure they've got, y'know, balanced options." When Tallulah expressed her confusion with a look, I said, "Y'know, some protein, some carbs, some veggies. Even some fat, because I read somewhere you need some of that." She got a little bit of a booger look at that last, but nodded.

"Variety in diet is important." Then she smiled at me.

"I feel I must thank you yet again for getting Ria to understand that." I shrugged.

"Like I said, I just keep switching things up until they find what they like." I stopped for a second, then said, "seriously, though, if the kids put on weight, any of them, with all the exercise they get, it's because they're meant to have more meat on their bones. Meant to be heavier. Stronger. Sturdier."

'Heavier' she obviously objected to, but when I said 'stronger', she blinked and got thoughtful.

'Sturdier' had her nod once, sharply.

"If I'm to bear your child," she stepped within arm's reach, laid a hand on my bicep.

"I'd best accept that our offspring will not be lithe." Kinda weird, how my muscles have tone even when I'm post-Bath relaxed and mostly ready for bed. Less weird how they tensed up when she ran her fingertips down my arm.

"Uh, about that..." She froze, then dropped her gaze to the floor.

"I... I apologize."

"For what?" She shook her head once, sharply.

"I could not carry our child to term." I hid my wince.

"Saffron told you?" She shook her head.

"Siobhan. I asked her whether your seed had quickened. She confirmed it for me. I asked about it again tonight, and she... she..." I pulled her to me, my arms going around her.

"Tallulah?" She made a quiet responsive noise.

"You have nothing, absolutely nothing, to apologize for."

"But..."

"Shush. Am I your Goddess?" Her eyes opened, she looked at me, nodding.

"Then hear me, Tallulah Crow. You have done nothing wrong, nothing to be sorry for. That child, no... that... it wasn't even a baby. Not even a bean like Siobhan has. Just... a clump of nothing the size of a pinhead." She looked a little confused, and I realized I was wandering.

"It wasn't meant to be." She sagged.

"So, we are not meant to make a child together then?" I tipped her face up with a finger under her chin.

"I didn't say anything like that. Not even a little bit." She tilted her head to the side.

"You... you would trust me with that again then?" I smiled at her, the chuckle leaking out of me.

"Trust you with it? C'mon. We both know you're way more reliable and trustworthy than me. I'm a terminally ADHD Goof who... I mean, I do my best and all, but if somebody didn't remind me I'd miss half my Revels." She snerked, snorted, then laughed.

"Like you're missing the one tonight?"

"Wait, really? Shit! I, uh..." She nodded.

"It's fine, Tabitha. I'll be fine." I grinned at her.

"Yeah. Yeah, you will be. But you've got a decision to make."

"I do?" I nodded.

"Yep. Do you want to make an actual effort now, with those fancy Divine Blessing temporary tattoos and stuff, or do you want to hold off until you're 'ready'?" She bit her lip, standing and pulling away just enough to look down at me. She's taller than me, even more so when I'm leaning on my desk and she's standing straight.

"There's another option, you realize."

"One you'd prefer?" She nodded.

"Okay then. I'm surprisingly good with whatever option you choose." She smiled, surprisingly shyly, and nodded at me.

"Uh, you're gonna have to tell me what it is, you realize?" She snorted.

"I found it both titillating and exhilarating when you, ah..." I realized right then, and grinned up at her. Scooped her up with my hands on her waist, as always surprised by how dense yet light she was. Then laid her down on the Altar as the congregation cheered our arrival.

"When I do risky, chancy things?" She smiled up at me and nodded.

"I shouldn't. It feels so irresponsible."

"Do you want my kid? Really?" She nodded, eyes suddenly serious.

"You gonna mess anything up if you wind up in a family way?" Her lips curved, her head jerked once side to side.

"Still feels irresponsible, doesn't it?" She nodded again.

"That makes it So. Much. Better for you, doesn't it?"

"Oh. Yes, Goddess." I rolled my shoulders, loosening up, dropping my Blend.

"You sure you're not gonna puke if things get energetic?"

"No." I paused, and she reached for me.

"Why are you stopping?"

"You... okay, I'm not really into puking."

"But you spend so much time with Siobhan lately." I rolled my eyes.

"That's 'cause she needs me taking care of her right now. Not because it lubricates the love tunnel." She mouthed those last few words, then laughed, a joyful uninhibited sound that surprised me coming from Tallulah.

"Well then. I guess that's just one more risk we'll be taking." Then she mouthed the word 'lubricated' again. That was definitely the kinkiest thing I'd heard up on the Altar so far, and I'd had a woman literally want and trust me to kill her temporarily for the sexy time lulz.

"You sure?" She nodded.

"Really sure? Because hearing you laugh like that is making me want to not be mindful or demure with you." She snorted, reached up, and put her arms around my neck.

"I am certain, Tabitha Diaz. Let's take chances, and see what the Fates see fit to grant us." I nodded.

"Baby roulette it is!"