Chương 692: Day Six Hundred And Ninety

Dear Diary, Yeah, apparently along with my talent for wrecking shit, I also have a knack for guessing secret identities. Then again, maybe that's just a subset of wrecking shit, like I wreck people's secret identities. That would not be the wackiest shit that's happened to me here and now. Not by a long shot. I kinda wonder what is. Like, of all the wacky assed shit that's happened to me since I got my ass isekaied, what is in fact the wackiest thing that's happened to me.

Like, being a Goddess is wacky, as is being some kind of existential threat to the Divine order of things, but does that actually compare to meeting the person who completes my Soul here and now? Because holy shit does she ever. Seriously, I always kinda scoffed at the thought that one particular person would just feel so right. The idea that one person in all of creation would slot into place like one of those super fancy metal jobs that slide into place so firmly that they're airtight and shit.

Then add to that the thought that I didn't even find her in my world, I found her in this one. That's... I mean, one in seven billion is bad, but when you multiply that by however many universes there are, or might be, that shit is too stupid to believe. Then again, maybe it's not that simple, or that unlikely. Maybe there's all kinds of ways people could fit together, and maybe without Marie or even Siobhan, Saffron and I wouldn't fit together like that.

Or maybe we would, but we'd also wind up chafing and grinding each other away to nothing or something like that. So maybe it's not that wildly unlikely that I found somebody that loves me that I love back. Or maybe it's so wildly unlikely that I ought to stop questioning it, shut my fuckin' mouth, and enjoy it while it lasts, while doing whatever I can to make it last as long as it can. Forever, if I can swing it. So the moment I said the name 'Jack', the whole shack went quiet.

The two old dudes, who'd been just laying down dominoes with a slow, metronomic precision all day long, froze. The big Elmer-kin by the door tensed, glancing once to Johnny, then back to lock his eyes on me. Good instincts. Not great, but good. If shit wasn't going down yet, keeping eyes on my Kitten was always the better bet. Johnny turned to the big guy by the door.

"Closing up early tonight, Wilmer. Take the night off." Wilmer didn't ask if Johnny was sure. He just nodded, stood, and waited until the two old dudes left. I noticed they didn't even clean up their dominoes, just stood and walked out. When Wilmer walked through the beaded curtain I turned to Johnny, expecting him to talk, but he just held out one hand, palm down. A few moments later, the wood roof out front creaked, then settled over the window.

Johnny took a few steps back to the curtained door in the back of the room, then pushed the curtain aside to reveal a blank wall.

"Neat trick, Johnny." He shrugged.

"I have a few. That's a dangerous name to be throwing around hereabouts." I opened my mouth, and he cut me off.

"That name you said earlier, yeah." I shrugged.

"Yeah, but I'm a moron. Everybody will tell you that." Saffron kicked me under the table.

"Everybody but my wife will tell you that, and she's clearly biased by the endless torrents of smoke I blow up her ass." Johnny tilted his head.

"She's really your wife then?" I nodded.

"How... where did you find Clergy who would perform that wedding?" Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. I shrugged.

"I made her Clergy, she did the ceremony." He just stared at me.

"What? It was late, and I hadn't conquered my phobia of formality yet."

"Like you've done more than bribe it into submission," muttered my Kitten, but she didn't seem upset. Johnny opened his mouth, closed it, then shook his head. I recognized the signs of somebody arguing with himself and, for once, kept my damn mouth shut. After a minute, he shook his head again and sighed.

"Wouldn't work anyhow, I don't think." I snorted.

"You looking to get hitched? Saffron and I married our Maenad Maid a couple months back. Our Concubine, who happens to be a High Priestess of Canta, performed the ceremony." He tilted his head.

"How does that help us... I mean me?" I snorted at his verbal slip, trying to figure out how deliberate it had been.

"Just sayin', I got some connections. For somebody who cooks like this? I could very easily be convinced to hook you up." He snorted.

"How easily?"

"Big bowl of gumbo to take home to my kids. Getting a message to my daughter's sister. Bag full of mixed bread to go with the gumbo." I stopped, thought about it.

"I'd ask for the recipe for the gumbo, but I'm not sure I can pay back a favor that big." Johnny sucked on his teeth, and somehow I realized the gesture was an attempt to keep from laughing.

"What message?"

"Her sister Ria misses her, wants Adrienne to come to her birthday party. Her mom misses her too, wishes she hadn't fucked up her relationship with her daughter."

"That's not exactly what I said," muttered Tallulah.

"It's what you meant, though, wasn't it?" Tallulah stiffened, then sighed, slumped, and whispered, "yes." Johnny just stood there in the light of the dying fire. I listened to the burbling of the gumbo pot slow to near stillness. After a bit I couldn't help myself. I nodded to the pot.

"You gonna finish that?"

"Destined to consume all creation, but asks politely about my gumbo." I shrugged.

"Hey, I got a big appetite. Doesn't mean I have to be an ass about it." Yeah, I was not totally copacetic about that being the first thing Johnny here said about me, specifically, but I wasn't about to let him know that. He looked up at me in the dimness, and I saw the faint sparkle of blue behind the brown in his eyes.

"You'd have me believe you'd, what, wait patiently for all of creation to climb into your Maw?" I shook my head.

"Hey, I can't tell you what to believe. Just the truth. Anybody who's gone into my Maw has either asked me to put them there or threatened the people I love." Johnny sighed.

"I'd hardly be so hypocritical as to judge someone for protecting what they love." I waited again, reaching out and holding Saffron's hand just to feel her skin against mine. Eventually he shook his head.

"Not saying anything, not guaranteeing anything, but... I'll see your message gets to the one who needs to hear it." I sighed.

"Um..." He shook his head, chuckled.

"Yes?"

"Just wanted to let you know it's kinda urgent. Adrienne would know, but Ria's birthday is in two days." Johnny's jaw dropped.

"Two days? How is she to get to Rich Man's Port in two days?"

"Uh, the birthday party is at our Homestead." Johnny relaxed a touch until I said, "which is about twice as far away." Before he could say anything else, I shook my head.

"Look, if she wants to be there? Put her in physical contact with me and I will get her there in a literal blink of an eye. Transport is not a problem." He looked back at where the back door had been.

"And if she doesn't?" I slumped, suddenly tired, frustrated after having come so close.

"Then," I whispered, "I'll just have to tell my daughter I couldn't find her sister."

"You'd lie?" I looked at the floor.

"If Adrienne showed up right now and told me she didn't want to go to her sister's birthday party? Didn't want to see her sister, visit, any of that?" I sighed again.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'd lie to my kid, tell her that I couldn't find Adrienne, that I'd failed her. Because I'd rather she was disappointed in me than devastated by her sister not wanting to see her." He sucked at his teeth again, then the curtain rustled.

"Take the pot. Bring it back tomorrow." The curtain rustled again, and he was gone. On one hand, my kids mostly liked the gumbo. Some of them could only handle one small bite before chugging down their weight in milk and bread, but even they liked it. On the other hand, my Kitten has a sadistic streak a mile and a half wide, and did not let Tallulah and I get away unscathed after the kids were asleep. I mean, I reciprocated in kind, but that's just fair, right?