Chương 11: Chapter 10: Guilt

These mountains are going on forever. By the time I reached Crested Butte, I knew the maps by heart. At long last, I was at the second major town on my trip. It was much smaller than Buena Vista, but also much more busy. As I looked my surroundings over on the map and in person, I noticed the large ski resort to the north. Surely it must have been the main reason for the traffic; it was getting late into March and a new snowstorm was passing through every other day.

I set up a small camp on a ridge which looked down over the town. My phone was proving difficult to use during the trip. I couldn't stay on it for more than a few seconds at a time before it cut out. Holding it to my chest was enough to warm it up enough to turn it on, but then I'd find I was out of reception. If I kept it out to try and find a signal, it would just turn off again from the cold. I pulled out the newspaper from Buena Vista, reading over the pages for what felt like the hundredth time.

Something in me hoped I'd find something new, some sort of clue as to what was happening. Though I knew I wouldn't find anything, I still wanted to try. Beyond trying, though, I couldn't stop myself from going back to reread it all whenever I had a chance. They called it the 'Colorado Springs Massacre'. It happened the night I left Emily. I kept thinking about the police cars and helicopters, all searching along the road I'd taken back to my house.

Near the bottom of the article, there was a photo: a black SUV outside the nightclub where it happened. I couldn't shake the feeling it was somehow related to the people who had come to my house. The article said an investigation to determine all the fatalities was still underway and nothing had been released publicly. By now, though, this paper was weeks old. My gaze drifted toward the town. Somewhere down there, there was a newspaper stand, or an open wifi network…

something to give me more information on what happened. Since it was still mid-day, and I wasn't about to explore Crested Butte until the sun went down, I settled myself in for a nap.

It was dark. I didn't know what was going on, but I was alone, and afraid. Smoke filled the air around me and it hurt to open my eyes. It felt like I was suffocating and I couldn't do anything. A door opened far away from me. I could barely see it through the haze when I opened my eyes for a split second. Someone was coming toward me. I didn't care who it was, as long as it meant I wasn't alone. Before I knew it, I was being picked up, brought into the heavier smoke.

I coughed once, then again, unable to stop myself. I felt my body being carried into the bright light. I still couldn't see. My eyes were burning. Whoever was carrying me was running. I opened my eyes, seeing everything moving around me. I looked back at where we had been, watching a massive, metal pillar fall into the room we were in, completely destroying it. I blinked. I was standing outside my house. A large, wooden beam had just fallen on top of John. I saw the flames roar up around him, swallowing him.

The flames erupted toward me. I remembered this feeling… this extreme heat blasting me in the face. I brought my hand up to block the fire, closing my eyes. When I opened them again, I could only see shapes. I squeezed whatever was in my hands. It was the only thing I was fully aware of. One thing was small, sharp… and the other was large and round. I closed my eyes again and held the two objects. It was the only thing I could do without being overwhelmed. I heard explosions coming from all around me.

Each one tried to push us over. Sometimes it succeeded, but I was picked up again and carried farther away from the chasing inferno. I wanted to scream, but each time I gulped down air, I'd cough heavily. I opened my eyes once more. The house was falling. Flames were coming through the windows, engulfing the walls. The ceiling had fallen into the base of the destroyed structure. Flames ravaged anything they could reach. I could hear what sounded like screams. I had a small hope he was somehow still alive.

Instead, all I saw was the water and the wood boiling and burning. I had a chance to reach him. I had a chance to save him. … but I failed. I stood there and watched it happen. In the moment, I felt cemented to the ground, but once all hope was lost? I failed. I could have saved him… but I was too much of a coward to do anything about it. It was my fault… … I could have saved him.

I woke up screaming. I didn't know where I was, but I was afraid I was in danger. The world around me was black as I thrashed my arms around, trying to find my bearings until I realized I had been dreaming. Slowly, I caught the breath I didn't know I'd been holding in, feeling my hearts thumping and my chest quickly rising and falling. Although I didn't know how long it took me, I eventually remembered the world around me. I was in the woods, and while it was cold, I was okay.

My gaze finally snapped away from a seemingly locked position and up to the stars. Slowly, I let the top half of my body rest back against the ground, breath finally stabilizing. With my other senses starting to return to me, I realized objects were gripped tightly in my hands. I lifted them, getting a better look. In my left hand rested a stick, one I had squeezed hard enough for my fingers to slice deep into the bark. The other held a large, round rock. They must have been the things I grabbed in my dream.

Nightmare. I dropped both things to the ground, letting the small thud fill my ears as I looked to the stars again. My hearts were still pounding, but my breathing was back under control. Now thinking it over, I really hadn't considered everything going on after the fire. With a goal and a need to survive, pretending none of it had happened was easy. It was as if I could turn around and go home at any time, I could apologize to John for leaving, I could go back to a normal life.

Even though I couldn't imagine my life being so different, compared to what I'd always known… it was all I'd known, but… I'd never be going back to that place, the only place I'd ever known. I sat upright, looking down at the town below me. Street lights left pools of light all over the city, but most of the houses remained dark. My neck turned to look the other way, seeing the sky glowing a bit brighter. The short nap I had planned had turned into a long rest. Soon the sun would be in the sky.

With a short window of time before I would have to leave, I grabbed my supplies, heading down the hill. Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

As expected, the town was practically silent. While passing through a neighborhood, my gaze floated to each window. There was no sign of anyone awake. Dawn was coming soon, with the hue of the sky bright enough to help me see. More importantly, my focus stayed on my immediate goal: looking for any hiding places in case a car or person suddenly appeared. Thankfully, I had nothing to worry about, for now. Finding the town's grocery store didn't take long.

To either side of the front doors were two stands with newspapers. I grabbed one from each, stuffing them in my bag. The temptation to start reading through them was immeasurable, but my time was limited. Instead, I continued through the town, looking for any place with something helpful. Crested Butte was a pretty town, even if the sights were blanketed in snow. Restaurants and stores for rental equipment were always in sight.

This city was clearly designed to make their money from anyone on vacation here who planned to go skiing. It was all too easy to imagine how nice it would be to step into a warm building and buy some fresh food. Everything sounded delectable. On my way out of the town, I passed a library. The sign on the door showed they opened at nine in the morning, but more importantly, the sign next to it read "Free Wi-Fi".

I had never actually told Oliver I was coming, but it had been something I kept pushing off until a later date. I hadn't even spoken to him since I left my house. He had no idea I was on my way to him… I didn't even know if he'd be able to meet me there. From what Oliver told me, he lived at his parents' getaway house. It was unoccupied… most of the time. I pulled out my phone, tucked deeply inside my coat pocket to keep it warm.

Turning it on, my eyes drifted to the icon indicating there was no signal, but under the wifi settings, I found "Crested Butte Public Library" with a full signal. The moment I connected to it, I was bombarded with notifications: text messages, missed calls, voicemails, emails, even messages on my applications I rarely used. I'd never seen so many people trying to get my attention. Peering through some of the clutter, all of the messages were people I knew from the one channel on my app I frequented.

It took two full minutes before all of the messages stopped piling through, one after the other. Most of the notifications seemed to be asking the same things: if I was okay and if I was in trouble. This many people were worried about me? I didn't even think about reaching out after… everything. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath as I ran through my mental checklist. I needed to call Oliver, tell him I was okay, and then let him know I was on the way to him.

Scrolling through my contacts, I found several missed calls and voice messages from him. He must have been worried about me, too. There was no way he wouldn't be angry with me if he thought I was ignoring him and everyone else. If he was angry with me… he might not even want me coming to his home anymore. I wouldn't have any other options except going back to Emily… … How would I even explain this to him? What if he didn't even want to talk to me? I bet he wouldn't even pick up the phone if I called him…

there was no way he'd want to talk to me after I– Bzzt! The phone nearly dropped out of my shaking hand as it started to vibrate. Oliver's name flashed on the top of the screen in bright, white letters. Hoping with all of my soul he wasn't angry with me, I swiped to answer the call. His voice spilled through the speaker immediately.

"Tess? Are you there? Are you okay?! Tess?" He sounded excited I'd picked up…hopefully, a good sign.

"H-Hey Oliver!" I said, unsuccessfully trying to replicate his excitement.

"Tess, are you okay? Where are you?" He asked, concern filling his voice. Am I okay? Physically, I was fine. Mentally? I had no idea. I wasn't even sure of exactly what he was asking. Whatever I said, I didn't want it to come out the wrong way. Other than John and Emily, Oliver would be the first person I'd met in the flesh. Maybe something other than a 'yes' or 'no' would be best… Oliver's voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Tess? You there?" I'd been quiet for several seconds, but I finally answered, truthfully, "I'm figuring stuff out." I took a deep breath, satisfied with my answer.

"Well, I'm glad to hear you're alright. After you disappeared, everyone was worried and tried to reach out to you. We heard what happened to the house… it was on the news and everything. After you went dark, we were afraid of… well, you know…" A gulp escaped me. On one hand, I wasn't going to bring it up, but on the other, I was glad to avoid any explanation. Who knew what the news was actually aware of, when it came to the finer details? Did they know I was there at all? Did they think it was simply an accident?

Most of all, were there any leads as to who did it? I remembered the pair of newspapers in my backpack. Maybe they would have some information. Then again, it had been a few weeks, and compared to the massacre, it may not even be deemed important anymore…

"Tess, am I losing you? Are you still there?" I closed my eyes. Focus…focus. Staying on track during conversations was not my forte. My goal was to tell him what I needed to…and then hang up before I made a fool of myself even more than I'd already been doing.

"I've been meaning to ask: can I still stay at your place in Grand Junction? I still have the address and I needed–" I stopped, correcting myself quickly, "–wanted to visit you there." That slip-up was dumb. Even if I had no other real options, I didn't want to sound like I was trying to force Oliver into letting me stay.

"Oh! Sure! After everything that's happened, I'd want to help in any way I can! Will you be there today? I should be able to get there by tonight."

"Uh, no…um…it'll be…" I fumbled over my words, trying to think of the right answer. It had been just over two weeks since I'd left my house, but I was traveling much slower than I had planned at first. Not having a map, combined with trying to find the safest way here, not the fastest, had really slowed my progress. I'd made as much headway in the last three days as I had in all the other days put together. Crested Butte was my halfway point…so, if i kept my pace, I'd be there in about…

"You can tell me later if you–" I cut him off, albeit accidentally.

"–a week. I'll be there in about a week." I hadn't meant to interrupt him, but I'd blurted out my estimation the moment I could.

"That sounds great! If you need to be picked up at the bus station or anything, let me know. I can come get you." He sounds excited about meeting me. If only he knew what it really meant.

"I'm…figuring it out…" I repeated. Telling him the adventure I was undergoing would probably make him more worried than necessary. I could make it there in a week. It seemed reasonable to me.

"I'll be there." He said.

"Good. Great, okay." I paused for a moment.

"I, uh, don't know how good my reception will be. You might not hear from me, but I'll be there soon." Though I didn't want to sound rude, I also had no idea how to end the conversation. It was best if I ended the call before he asked me any more questions.

"So, um…thanks for this, and I'll, uh…yeah." As I reached to tap the button to hang up, Oliver's voice stopped me.

"Oh, Tess? One other thing. There's something you don't know about me. It'll be obvious when you see me, but could you not make a big deal out of it? It's something I'd rather not talk about–and I'm not saying you would! –but sometimes people treat me differently, and I just want you to know that you should treat me like every other person, okay?" He'd taken the words right out of my mouth. I stared at the phone for a moment, not confident in how to respond.

I wanted to say 'if only you knew' or 'I was just thinking the same thing', but I couldn't pin the right words down. They kept slipping away through my fingers. Before I could answer, Oliver did for me.

"So, anyway, I'll see you soon!" He hung up. I watched my phone return to the home screen. I frowned. I should have told him exactly what he'd just told me. The phone promptly shut itself off from the frigid temperatures. My focus no longer on the technology in my hand, I looked up. A car was slowly approaching in the distance, the first sign of life for the day. The sun was coming up, there was no reason for me to stay, and I'd be more likely to be spotted the longer I stayed in town.

Tucking the phone back inside my jacket pocket, I quickly strode off into the woods.