Chương 7: The Art of War

The largest rat's combover came completely undone as it raised up on its haunches and plunged the wicked looking dagger right at Elias' torso. Elias, who was still frozen and paralyzed in the binding of some sorcery, tried to wince but couldn't. He couldn't even brace himself for the wave of pain he saw approaching, or bite down in preparation for it. A second passed. And then another.

But the dagger, the head rat, all his underlings, even the constant drip of some distant trickle of water off in the recesses of the basement—all of these things were arrested, stilled, and frozen in time.

"Oof," said a voice instantly familiar to Elias. He was able to just move his eyeballs enough to see the giant mushroom standing a few feet off to the side. The fungus was smiling and looking rather smug with himself, or so Elias imagined.

"This … really all could have been an email," the giant mushroom said, gesturing towards the assembled rats.

"That's the thing about bureau-rats. Yeah, they have spells and teeth and even some rudimentary weapons. But …" Here the mushroom plucked the cruel looking dagger out of the head rat's frozen paw.

"But what really hurts the worst is the sheer pedantry of it all. The trite, meaningless, bean counting. The officious, predictable soul-less-ness of it all. You get what I'm saying, bro?" Elias, much to his delight, felt that he could move his limbs now. He could speak and talk and … well, he wanted to hug the giant mushroom, but he managed to just restrain himself.

"Thank you for that," Elias said, rubbing the spot where the dagger had been aimed, experiencing an anticipatory ache in the area.

"Thank you?" said the mushroom.

"Yes, thank you." That was the emotional outpouring of gratitude that Elias settled on. He was already checking himself and casting a few quick regenerate spells to make sure he was all in one piece.

"That's it?" Thank you?" The mushroom said, incredulous.

"Have you ever considered that you biologist, science types are just a little bit dry? I mean, you aren't as bad as these rats, but you could do with … I don't know … a little color in your life or something. You should be pouring praise on me. Swearing fealty forever after. Hailing me as your savior." Elias sighed.

"Like, really my guy. I think you need a drink and a leather jacket. Or maybe you need to spend some more time with the affirmation imps. Now those guys know how to live, laugh, love. You won't catch them holding back, not when it comes time to put your heart on the line."

"No thanks on the imps. I've already met them. In fact, you kind of left me at their mercy on our last encounter. I almost didn't make it without Goggs."

"And how do you know I didn't summon Goggs?" Elias could only raise an eyebrow.

"At the very least, I knew he was nearby. And I also knew you could handle it, so buck up champ."

"Well, what happens now?" Elias asked, staring at the frozen giant rat in front of him.

"That's why I'm here," said the mushroom, taking a few steps around the enemy.

"It seems no one has taught you the ins and outs of boss fights quite yet. I started to get worried. And then, well, I heard your prayer. And I'm here to answer it."

"Thanks."

"Yeah, we covered that part. Man, do you read bank receipts for fun, or what?" Elias cleared his throat.

"The point is … well you've made me lose my train of thought," said the mushroom, rubbing its fleshy chin with its nubby little fungal digits. Elias considered his options. Maybe he should seize the moment and go to town on this giant rat with his staff, while the opportunity was right in front of him. Something about it seemed unsportsmanlike, but it was certainly better than undergoing torture.

"Ah, right!" The mushroom declared. It tried to snap its fingers, but they were a bit too moist and rubbery, from the flat almost slippery sound that ensued.

"Sun Tzu. Now there was a hero if ever there was one. Ancient China. Like, before Christ. He's already got the whole war thing figured out so well that people a thousand years later won't even believe he existed. You ever read the Art of War?"

"I had a boss once who was always quoting it."

"Sounds like a wise boss."

"He was an asshole." The mushroom crossed its arms and did that pout that was starting to become a regular event in their conversations together.

"Hey, wise and kind are two very different things."

"You're telling me." The mushroom shook its cap like it was disappointed.

"The point is this, and I quote: If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. My man Sun Tzu was spitting straight facts with that one."

"OK."

"Wiser words have never been spoken. Now, take your boss battle with Mr. Rattus Bureaucraticus here. You are going about the thing all wrong. And that's because you haven't taken the time to, like … know thy enemy, or whatever."

"Are you suggesting I ask him his sign? Take him on a coffee date and get to know him better?"

"Hey. Don't make me laugh. What I'm trying to say is that you need to do an inspection." Find this and other great novels on the author's preferred platform. Support original creators! Elias blinked. He turned and regarded the giant rat again. Its combover was frozen in mid flop. Its paw was raised and ready to plunge a dagger right into him. Behind it, its minions were all frozen mid cheer.

"Nothing is happening," Elias said.

"Is this like the thing with my palm where I have to make some gesture?"

"All you have to do is notice. Try a little harder. More focus this time." Elias nodded. Even though they had kind of a rough start, he hated to admit that he was starting to trust the mushroom a little bit. Especially after his "life" or whatever this was had been saved by a fungal intervention. So, he tried again. Harder this time, like Mr. Mushroom said.

He focused on the rat with all the attention and rigor he could muster, perhaps with the same acuity with which he had attended Advanced Organic Chemistry back on earth. Finally, something happened. It was that same disembodied voice and text flashing across his vision. # Target Name: Senior Deputy Assistant Sub-Registrar of Basement Affairs. Acting Interim Permanent Provisional Director, Chief Compliance Rodent and Rat in Charge (Pending Confirmation) # Level: Level 5 Bureaucrat (Minor Boss) # Resistant to: Music.

Direct action. # Vulnerable to: Personal accountability. # Special Passive: Aura of the Rubber Stamp - Underling Bureau-rats gain a buff to HP and armor from being in this creature's proximity. # Active Abilities: Spell - Administrative hold. Bind the target, paralyzing them, and forcing them to listen to a detailed explanation of all protocol infractions for a period of three minutes. # Ultimate: Escalation Protocol - When killed, HP does not immediately drop below 1.

Instead, it becomes"Under Review" for one minute, during which its underlings may revive the creature. #"I'm so dang proud of you," the Mushroom squealed.

"I mean you could have told me that a lot earlier," Elias replied. The mushroom's elation was suddenly dampened.

"The more you figure out on your own, the better it is for you in the long run. I just interjected here because … well, maybe it is better if you figure that part out for yourself, too."

"I don't mean to seem ungrateful. It is just a lot process. I mean, dying and all. Ending up in this place, I still don't really know what is going on. Who are all these other people and why are they here? Are the imps and rats … like fully sentient beings with feelings and emotions and all? Or are they just pixels in a simulation. And who is this disembodied voice? And why aren't I—""DEEP BREATHS," the mushroom said, putting a hand on Elias' shoulder.

"Alright then."

"I mean, I'm about to leave. And then all of this starts up again. You still might die again," the mushroom said. Then he took the dagger from the rat's hand and placed it on the floor a few feet away.

"I'm just here to give you a leg up. But I'm afraid duty calls again. A husband and wife just got knocked off of an elevated swamp bridge by an 18 wheeler. Guess what the husband is going to do? He'll spend all two minutes of breath trying to free his wife's seatbelt. And he'll succeed, too. But then, she will be floating up and he will be here."

"Jeez, that is dark. Why are you telling me this?"

"You don't know what dark is, my guy. I'm saying take deep breaths while you can, and don't take them for granted. Anyway, I'll be jetting off now. Good luck with these rats. I mean, you've been to the DMV right? Do you think you would win a knife fight with any of those people? Of course not. They would mess you up, homie. But you might succeed in other ways. Now, too-da-loo as they say." With that, the giant mushroom faded into a light mist and was gone from the basement.

Just a second later, all of the rats came to. They seem startled by the interruption, but also appeared ready to pick up right where they left off. One of the underlings was already scooping up the knife and handing it to the boss. Elias, for his part, seemed to have become paralyzed again. But now, for some reason, his mouth worked.

"Wait!" he cried out, just as he was about to be stabbed. The head rat didn't seem to take any heed to those instructions. Instead, he fixed the blade in his hand again, ready to strike. Elias had to think quickly. That Sun Tzu quote. If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. Why had the giant mushroom said that exactly? He thought back to the inspection. To the weakness listed. Vulnerable to Personal accountability.

Boy, that did remind Elias of some bean counters he'd met back on earth. Always passing the buck. An idea suddenly occurred to him.

"Did you fill out form form R-28?" Elias suddenly cried out. The head rat stopped, adjusted his glasses, blinking up at him. The knife in its paw seemed to lower just a few degrees.

"Well … no. But the torture form should be all that is needed. Since its specificity would override the more general form R-28."

"But you are about to do violence. And you haven't gotten the proper form filled out. I think that is a breach of protocol. Would you mind if I had a word with your superior? It will only take a second," said Elias.

"I just want to make sure SOP is followed." The rat boss took a few steps back, the knife in its hand fell and rattled against the stones of the basement floor.

"That's not. You can't … I don't think—""What do you mean? Surely your superior would have something to say about the absence of form R-28. And is this area zoned for bloodshed? You might need to go ahead and request a variance. You wouldn't want to be non-compliant." Elias couldn't be sure at first, but he felt the chains that were paralyzing him begin to weaken. After a few seconds, he found he could wiggle his toes. Then he could turn his head. Warmth and life seemed to flow back into his limbs.

The head rat seemed at a loss for a clear explanation.

"Are you trying to tell me that you don't have a manager?" Elias pressed.

"I suppose that would mean YOU are in charge here. So you are the one I need to talk to about this possible infraction."

"Well, I ummm …" The rat underlings seemed to notice this sudden shift in tone. They gathered around their leader, their beady little eyes fierce with indignation. All the while, Elias was regaining his strength. He could feel the blood coursing through his veins as he tightened his grip on the staff.

"If you have no superior, then who do you answer to? Who came up with form R-28? Exactly who? And who would be the one to rubber stamp your rubber stamp?" The head rat cried out in pain. It fell flat on the ground. And Elias saw an opportunity. With all his strength, he bonked it directly on the head with his staff. It seemed to do the trick, if only temporarily. The combover went flopping, the spectacles cracked against the wall and shattered, and the big creature let out a low groan.

The words"Death under review" appeared above his crushed skull. Along with a floating analogue clock face. Things just kept getting weirder and weirder. But Elias had little time to process. Because the assault on the head rat had sent the underlings into chaos. Except for a few, who stood by their stricken master trying to revive him, the mass of rats again swarmed Elias. They were assaulting him with their terrible teeth, flying at him with utter abandon. They shrieked about chain of command as they did.

"Time to circle back!"

"I hope this bite finds you well!"

"Reported to HR!" It seemed without their manager, they had instantly reverted to the state of mere beasts. But these were beasts that Elias could deal with, and he went about dispatching them as fast as he could. All the while, he remembered what his inspection revealed. In order to make sure that the head rat didn't revive, he had to take care of those underlings immediately around his corpse. He had to fight his way there. And so he did, swinging this way and that.

He sent dead rat underlings flying in all directions.

"This wasn't on the schedule!" Complained one as Elias smashed it into a loose sack of fur and shattered bones.

"Permit denied!" Shouted another as Elias kicked it with such force that it was launched into the air and came back down with a satisfying squelch. All the while, the experience points kept rolling in. Finally, he worked his way over to where the head rat was being revived. Already, Elias could see that the blow to the head was starting to heal, and the color was returning to the creature's paws. He had to act fast. Splat, crack, crunch, went the underlings, as his staff did its terrible work.

Finally, he stood over a pile of corpses. Nothing stirred, and the clock over the boss that would revive him slowly faded away into mist. # DING! Congratulations, you have gained a level and a skill point. Choose wisely.