Chương 6: Against Protocol

"Alright rats, time to meet your maker," Elias said to no one in particular, twirling his new staff a few times for good measure. It took him a few minutes to find the trap door in the corner. Opening it released a musty smell into the guild hall, like unchecked mold or spoiled cheese. It was also completely dark inside, and he hadn't thought to ask for a torch. All he could see was the top of a ladder leading down. But he had a job to do. Whether or not it was the start of a grander trial was besides the point.

This was a new beginning, and he was determined to give it everything he had. With that brave thought circling in his head, he hooked a foot into the first rung and began to lower himself into the darkness. He climbed for what felt like a ridiculously long time through an increasingly tight stone passage. The basement in question seemed to be more like an old well used for storage. By the time his feet finally found the cobblestones below, the rank smell had become almost overwhelming.

He stood there in the dark, imagining that he could hear the sound of little rat feet pitter pattering among bags of moldy grain. He could certainly hear water dripping against stone somewhere. But that was all the information his senses would give him in the inky darkness. He spent a moment standing there, just thinking about the best way to go about this. Maybe I have a torch in my inventory, he thought to himself. Even though he was certain that he did not, he checked again.

Equipment: Worn Satchel, Engraved Pestle, Basic Staff Inventory: Faintglow Spore # Something in the name of the spore he had picked up earlier near the quest board caught his attention. He pulled it out to inspect it. Indeed, the name of the mushroom was perfectly apt. For the small toadstool did emit a very faint glow. It cast just enough light for him to see his feet in the blackness of the basement. I wonder what would happen if …

He found that if he concentrated hard enough, he could summon the engraved mortar and pestle and place the spore into the stone bowl. Once he'd accomplished that, he spent a moment grinding the pulpy fungus into a fine paste. To his delight, his intuition turned out to be correct. This paste glowed far more brightly than the mushroom itself had. In fact, it was not unlike those glow sticks one sees at an EDM concert. Not that Elias could ever remember going to one of those.

You have unlocked a new recipe: Illumination paste #"Points for descriptiveness, but none for poetry," Elias whispered to himself. His voice echoed back at him, and seemed to disturb unseen feet. The pitter patter only increased in intensity while he spent a minute spreading the glowing paste in a circle around him. He finally stuck a large glob of it right onto the end of his staff. It wasn't quite as good as a torch, but at least he could see a few feet in front of himself now.

Assured he wasn't going to walk off the edge of a cliff or into a pit of vipers, Elias proceeded towards the sound of small feet. He found that the cellar was more than mere underground storage area. It was more like a giant cavern, of which only a small part was used to store some foodstuff. As he made his way, he found a small waterfall running out of one of the walls, a set of what looked like old farming implements, and bags of meal in various states of decay. Then, he heard a sound that was very close by.

It was the soft, rather pitiful squeaking that could only be associated with the infamous rodents in question. He pointed his glowing staff in that direction, and revealed a giant rat. It was like one of those that he'd seen on a trip to New York City, a trauma which he suddenly remembered. Only, this rodent looked even plumper and grosser than that.

When it realized it had found itself in the spotlight, the rat let out a particularly troubled screech and quickly scurried away in the opposite direction, at which point Elias had no choice but to give chase. He pursued with all of the athleticism he could muster, leaping over storage crates and bending his body around stacked jars of unmentionable victuals. It took all of his breath until finally, he found that he had the rat cornered. There it was, cowering with its little feet up in front of it.

It almost seemed to be pleading with him. But a quest was a quest after all. Elias raised his staff above his head, prepared to send the fat little creature to the next world. As Elias was about to bring down the full force of his wooden wrath, the rat spoke. # You have unlocked a new hidden Druid perk - Animal speaking #"Excuse me, sir, but I don't think you are allowed to do that," said the rat. It's voice was, well, squeaky. To put it lightly.

Those sudden words, in English no less, were surprising enough that they stilled Elias' hand. He had already been feeling a bit of guilt for coming here with the intention of smashing the poor creature. Now that it was talking, he wasn't quite sure he'd be able to go through with squishing the rat.

"And who is going to stop me?" Elias asked. Somehow, speaking with the rodent felt natural.

"Well, isn't it obvious?" asked the rat.

"For starters, violence requires you to fill out form R-28. Have you done that yet? Because I don't seem to see the form anywhere about your person. And even if you did, I'm afraid it takes two to six business months to process. At minimum." Elias lowered the staff, using it now to lean his weight against while he stared at the officious varmint.

"I didn't realize."

"Well you should have. In fact, do you even have a permit to be down here in the basement?"

"A permit?' The rat sighed and rubbed at its temple with its pink little leathery hands.

"Of course, you need a permit! Without a permit, well, well …. I'm afraid you will need a permit! This basement is zoned 7b, which means that—" Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

"Alright, I think I get where this is going."

"I don't think you do sir," said another voice. It seemed that the cornered rat had been perhaps more devious and conniving that Elias had given him credit for. The critter had been using a stalling tactic, it seemed, while a whole passel of its friends snuck in behind Elias. He turned to see at least a dozen of the rats, all standing on their haunches, and regarding him with expressions that might not have been out of place on workers at the DMV.

"You see, without a permit, you are in violation of code 78R22. And the penalty for that is, well, that you lose twenty percent of your standard cheese deduction when you file." Elias raised his staff again. The rats had all but circled him now, and they all started talking at once, about different codes and the paperwork required for variances and the permitting procedure and— One of the rats lunged at him and sank its incisors right into his calf. The others seemed poised to join him.

But not before Elias brought down the staff on the top of the first, cornered rat's head with all his fury. SPLAT # You have gained experience! # The remaining rats squealed and raised their paws in anger, flashing their teeth and running in circles around him as they droned on about ordinances, pending litigation, and impact studies. In a flash, there was a veritable cloud of the rats clinging onto Elias' knees and elbows.

The little teeth came together against his skin like twisting pliers, causing Elias to scream in pain.

"Regenerate, regenerate, regenerate!" He cried. # Your spell has been interrupted by damage Your spell has been interrupted by damage Your spell has been interrupted by damage # OK, so he couldn't use some skills while he was actively being chewed upon. He supposed that made sense, even if it was altogether unhelpful for the moment. Instead, he started swinging like he was in the world's worst batting cage.

As rats flew towards him, he swung for the bleachers, sending rat guts mixed with the glowing paste splattering against the walls of the basement, until it was all some grotesque Jackson Pollock style artwork. # You have gained experience! the voice continued to echo. As if all of this was just some kind of a game. # It felt a little personal, how the rats each had something to say as they kamikaze-d him, their entrails raining down along with loose bits of paperwork as they died, one by one.

"You haven't been approved for this!"

"Your actions go against protocol!"

"A complaint has been filed!" Elias found that once he got into the swing of things, for lack of a better word, he was actually sort of enjoying himself. At least, except for the little incisors occasionally finding his flesh. But they didn't seem capable of any serious dismemberment, and the experience points had to be adding up, even if the disembodied narrator voice seemed loath to actually quantify it. Would those points make him more powerful, somehow? Of course they would.

Everything in this world so far seemed to reference something in a video game. It was bizarre, but it least it seemed to function on a set of rules. After a few moments spent dealing with the rats in much the same way he had that childhood piñata at his seventh birthday party, a new, somewhat deeper voice emerged from the shadows. Suddenly, the rats stopped flinging themselves at Elias, and they seemed to scatter back into the darkness. Until, at last, a single figure emerged.

This rat was bigger than all the rest, though perhaps only the size of a terrier. It's head was bald, though swept across by the most delicate and sad comb-over Elias had ever seen. The creature wore thick spectacles and carried a clipboard in its hands. Elias thought it might charge him, and readied his staff for another righteous blow. But instead, the rat started flipping through pages on the clipboard while adjusting his glasses. The other, smaller rats seemed to gather round him.

Elias couldn't be sure, but he felt he noticed the smaller rats refused to turn their backs on this larger specimen. Perhaps he was their leader. Elias opened his mouth to speak, but the large rat raised a pink paw as if to silence him. It was odd, but Elias couldn't help but comply, almost as if his jaw had suddenly been wired shut.

"I'm wondering, did no one take the time to explain code 78R22?" The giant rat asked.

"Patrick explained!" one of the rats said.

"I mean … before he changed from a solid to a liquid."

"And you've explained to the gentleman that this is a zone 7b, which means that un-permitted entrance is … well, un-permitted?"

"We have, sir. But he seems like he almost doesn't care about the zoning ordinance!"

"Doesn't care?"

"If I may," Elias began. But again, the rat's imperious paw seemed to make his tongue weigh a thousand pounds. The rat finally turned to Elias, even taking a few steps toward him while it reviewed something on its clipboard.

"I'm Senior Deputy Assistant Sub-Registrar of Basement Affairs. Acting Interim Permanent Provisional Director, Chief Compliance Rodent and Rat in Charge (Pending Confirmation)," it said, adjusting its comb-over a bit.

"Could you be so kind as to identify yourself, sir?" Elias began to feel a little frustrated. Perhaps even a little angry. It sort of felt like those emotions were the point. His hands gripped the bloody staff. He hoped the buffs Goggs had given him didn't suddenly fade. Perhaps he ought to take this opportunity while the getting was good. As the giant rat took another aggressive step towards him, raising its clipboard in a somewhat hostile manner, the decision was made a whole lot easier for Elias.

He raised his staff, and just as he was about to bring it down on this deputy assistant whatever, the rat raised its pink paw once again. Only this time, the pearls of magic swirled out of them green and frothy. And Elias found himself completely and utterly paralyzed. # You have been stunned by the Sub-Registrar's Spell: Administrative Hold, the disembodied voice said. # If Elias had felt frustrated before, now he was livid.

But it didn't really matter anymore what he was thinking or feeling, because his body simply refused to answer any of the commands he gave it. The head rat took another step forward. Behind him, Elias could see the underlings scurrying about. One of them tripped and fell and then apologized to the stone it had tripped on.

"I think there is a fundamental disconnect between your expectations and reality, sir." the head rat said.

"See, you've come to this basement unauthorized, under the assumption you are going to solve some problem. Be some hero. But that isn't the way things are done. At least not under my supervision. See violence, while it may be emotionally satisfying, creates a lot of paperwork." One of the minions scurried up just then and handed the head rat a ridiculous rat-sized briefcase. It bowed and scraped and retreated just as fast. Elias struggled to move but found it futile.

"Which is actually great, because I do love paperwork," the big rat continued, bending down to pop open the briefcase.

"But because of your unauthorized little frenzy down here, I'm afraid we have lost seven of our staff members by your hand." Here, the creature finally lifted the lid of the briefcase. The implements revealed were altogether terrifying. Knives, pliers, piercers, and all of what one might call the assorted accoutrement of torture. Elias still couldn't move. Was there some kind of a time limit on this spell? Was he going to just have to stand here and die a death of a thousand cuts?

He couldn't even speak to try and use his regenerate skill, the one trick he had up his sleeve.

"And because we are short staffed, we are not going to be able to handle this using normal protocols. Instead, we are going to have to resort to a few creative measures to make things right between all parties involved. Call it restitution. Call it a variance from the standard approved outcome." Here, the head rat scooped up a wicked-looking blade, curved like its intended use was the skinning of some wild game animal with a thick hide. Elias tried to squirm, tried to call out, but he couldn't.

All he could think about now was that damned mushroom. How it hadn't really prepared him for any of this. Hadn't that fungus promised to answer his call, if only he prayed? Please giant, divine mushroom God, angel, conscience cricket or whatever you are. I'm sorry for rolling my eyes at your jokes. I'm sorry for saying that you were a crappy tour guide. I need you now. But it seemed like it was going to be too late. The giant rat pulled back the knife, perfectly poised to sink it six inches deep into Elias' liver.

And while he didn't know much about this new world he found himself in, Elias was pretty sure he still needed his liver. And so, what was about to happen could in no way be good.

"Wait! You can't torture him!" a voice said. Elias quickly realized, with a crushing wave of disappointment, that it was just one of the rat underlings who had stepped forth out of the darkness. All of the other vile rodents, including the boss, turned and looked at this interloper.

"Because you need three signatures on Form T-19 first."

"T-19 or T-21?" The head rat asked, setting the knife aside and thumbing through his clipboard.

"Actually, I believe it is T-13, Coercive Interview Addendum," another one of the underlings said.

"No, we aren't here to ask him any questions. See if you can find form T-18. Non-Lethal Incentive Application," said the head rat. Before long, one of them produced the form in question, and they all gathered around stamping and signing in and filling in the information required. It made Elias completely exhausted just watching them do it, so much so that he wondered if this wasn't a part of the whole torture ritual.

But the rats seemed to finish the job to their liking, for the boss turned back and held the knife up once again.

"Alright, now we are ready." And then he plunged the knife at Elias.