Chương 15: What Do They Want?

"So, are you going to elaborate on who they might be?" Elias asked the giant mushroom. Everything was still frozen just as it had been. Merlyn's tongue was stuck mid loll. The lovely elf bard held her arms spread wide for a hug that had yet to come. The mushroom seemed hesitant to answer.

"You know … you could explain, like, with one of those pithy quotes from some ancient stoic or some song lyric you picked up from Earth. You seem to like doing that," Elias reminded his fungal guide. The mushroom raised what was probably his right eyebrow, though it was a hairless ridge that caused almost all of his expressions to look vaguely mocking. Or maybe all of his expressions just were vaguely mocking.

"I mean, there is no song lyric in any Earth language that would prepare you for the absolute mind-melting nature of what you are going through. In fact, were you to behold the true nature of the universe, it would instantly cause you to suffer a complete and utter ego collapse, after which your true death would be imminent." They stared at each other for a long, heavy moment.

"HA! You should have seen your face. I'm just kidding, man. You are already dead!" chuckled the shroom. Elias didn't laugh. He thought instead about what would happen if he smacked the mushroom across its face with his staff. But it was just an intrusive thought. At least for now.

"So … you aren't going to tell me who they are. But you are telling me that loving others is not what they want out of me. None of this is making any sense. But you know that already, right?" The mushroom rubbed the equivalent of its temple. Elias could tell it was getting frustrated.

"The point is, your attachments weaken you, Elias Thorne."

"What?"

"I thought a smart science-y type guy like you would know this already. Or maybe it isn't brains but soul you need. Has no druidic wisdom rubbed off on you yet?" Elias looked at the lovely smile on the elf. He looked at his new buddy, the spirit wolf, rolling over in a pose of almost divine happiness. The joy of both of these companions stood in contrast to how he felt in this very moment.

"You're wrong," Elias stammered, finally losing his cool.

"In fact, you are seriously 100% wrong. To put it bluntly, that might be the most confidently incorrect … bullshit … I've ever heard in my life. Well, certainly in my afterlife. I remember this much clearly: you brought me here because I died trying to save someone. I did that because of love. Love was what gave me that strength. And here you are, telling me the opposite."

"Look, calm down, mate," said the mushroom, holding its hands up in a defensive posture.

"You calm down! Quit talking nonsense and give me something to work with!"

"It's like this … it's not the love itself that they worry about. Let's just put it this way. You've already proven how deeply capable of love you are … were. In a way, that was the first trial. And you passed it with flying colors. That is why you are here. But that part of the test is over and done with. And we are moving on to other areas. It is like you just finished the math section of the SAT but you won't move on to the literary essay part. Instead you keep trying to solve everything with algebra.

See, now that you are here, the … powers that be, let's say, are trying to determine whether you have certain other qualities. Qualities which will be … necessary in the future." Elias forced himself to take a deep, calming breath.

"OK …"

"One thing they absolutely don't want, is to see you turn into a frumpy middle-aged husband. I believe you humans call them love handles for a very good reason. And I've yet to see them prominently featured in a hero's journey, FYI. And I've absorbed over half a million of your Earth stories." The mushroom turned now and looked over at the lovely bard.

"She is pretty. I get it. And ultimately, it is all up to you. Do what you want. Free will has to exist here for this whole thing to work. But just know that you are being watched extremely closely. Forget about love for the moment and focus on triumph, on glory, on bending this place to your will." Elias considered these words for a second, weighing their meaning.

"Wait … are you going to tell me next that I'm a contestant on some sort of intergalactic game show? That I'm here to … to entertain aliens or something?" The mushroom rolled his eyes.

"No. That would be stupid. Think about it. Let's say there were advanced races watching you. Don't you think your average galactic citizen would have better entertainment to partake in than watching bipedal monkeys smash rats and hug elves? I mean, of all the dumb ideas. Tell me … have you ever even heard of Oxy-gasm Alco-bacon?"

"Oxy what now?"

"Never mind. Just trust me when I say it is freaking fantastic. I prefer the extended release myself but … anyway, we are getting seriously off topic. To summarize: believe me when I say that any race of beings wholly capable of intergalactic travel and with mastery over the afterlife, has access to FAR better forms of entertainment than watching you beat a sporty wolf with a stick. Are you joking?"

"Point taken. But hold on a second, you seem to be admitting that there are aliens. Like you are just casually telling me right now that humans aren't alone in the universe?" If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it. The mushroom raised one of its fingers, turning its head and giving Elias a knowing look.

"Ahhh … you almost got me there. Clever one, but it isn't going to work on me. Just think of me like one of your Earth politicians. I admit to nothing. I take responsibility for nothing. And I don't answer questions I don't like. So quit trying to bait me into rhetoric." Elias rolled his eyes. He couldn't help it. The mushroom really was the worst guide to the afterlife he could have ever dreamed up.

"Welp," said the shroom, glancing at where he would wear a wristwatch, if indeed he'd had one.

"Let me guess. Someone pushed a little kid out from in front of a train but bought the farm in the process. And now you have to suddenly disappear." The mushroom looked impressed.

"That was yesterday. Today is actually very busy. There was an accident at a power plant. A leak of some nuclear material, real nasty. Happened in the north of Japan. Now, there is a seriously altruistic, selfless society. Shinto, you know? This whole group of retired old people volunteered to act as a cleanup crew so that the young workers wouldn't have to. Unfortunately, that means a lethal dose of radiation for a dozen octogenarians."

"Jeez, I'm sorry I asked," said Elias.

"Do not despair, my dear druid. For as you can see, the end is not really the end. Particularly not for the selfless of heart." Elias sighed.

"Well, too-da-loo then. Back to the big romantic climax. And …. action!" Shouted the mushroom, and disappeared into the gloom of the jungle. It was always so jarring when he did that, but Elias supposed he was finally getting kind of used to the whole act. The dog and the elf came back to life, and Elias finally got his hug. He ignored what the mushroom had said and didn't hold anything back. It felt good, his first real human (or elf, whatever) contact since he'd stepped into the dark jungle.

"Let's go. I'm getting thirsty," Fiona said as she released him. She seemed completely unaware of the fact that she'd been paralyzed, much less the whole existential interlude Elias had just experienced. The wolf popped right up, the tail wagging still. He seemed to be ready also.

"Walk?" Merlyn suggested.

"Walk!" And so, they went. At first, the journey took them through thick brush. After some sweaty effort, they finally arrived at a wide path. Somehow, Fiona seemed to know the way. Elias, who had become seriously disoriented, could only follow. One direction in the jungle looked the same as any other to Elias, except for slightly different variations of the flora.

"One of my hidden perks," Fiona volunteered.

"I discovered it the last time I got lost in the jungle. Perfect heading, it is called. Bards always know which way is north."

"Nifty. Get lost in the jungle often, do you?" he asked. The wolf tagged happily behind, pausing only to sniff and occasionally to wet against the wide system of roots that reached out from the base of every giant tree.

"Not anymore, that's for sure," she said.

"Fiona... weird question, but … well, I'm going to ask it anyway."

"Shoot," she said, singing a few lines of her song so that the pair of them could hover over a low-lying area that was full of sharp briars.

"Why exactly do you think it is we are here?"

"Wow. Nothing like a close call with jagged rocks to dispense with the small talk." He shrugged.

"Well … I take it from our conversations earlier that you do know we are dead. I'm not the one that has to break that happy news to you, am I?" she said.

"Right … well, stop me if this comes across as intrusive, but now that we are being a little more open with one another, how exactly did you die?" She took a few more steps, brushing aside a palm frond. He thought she might give him the silent treatment again. But it seemed she was only trying to recall, as if the memory had been lost.

"It is a little blurry. I seem to remember that I was giving a performance of some kind. A stadium full of souls were cheering for me and screaming my name. I don't remember the exact details but … I think I was ill somehow. Yeah, I was sick. So sick that I probably shouldn't have been on a stage in a packed stadium. I remember a whole lot of those close to me who asked me not to go out into that stadium. But I decided to do it anyway. It was very, very important to me that I go out and perform. And I did.

I performed for hours. It was the last bit, and the night was coming to an end. I wanted to have a big finale. And I really put my heart into it, you know? I remember my knees getting weak and then …" She trailed off as if deep in thought. The path was level and easy enough now that you could actually drift off in conversation and still move forward.

"So who, or what, is your giant mushroom?" Elias volunteered, once it became clear she had lost the thread of her story.

"Like do you have a sort of spiritual guide?"

"No … it's … a song. It was, anyway. It has become weaker and weaker over time."

"There was no physical guide?"

"No. Just a song. I hear it still sometimes. It whispers to me about this place. Something about a trial. Something about not letting them down. Occasionally, it gives me tips. Though fewer and far between now. And always it seems to be hesitant to tell me anything all that useful."

"Yes! That's the giant mushroom. At least that is how it appears to me." She nodded, kind of sadly. It seemed almost like it pained her to remember these things. But Elias couldn't help himself.

"And what do you think it is that this song wants you to do? What kind of trial is it, in your opinion?"

"That I don't know. But I suppose all this isn't that much different than the previous life when you think about it. No one ever told me what my purpose in life was. So wherever this place is, I guess it is pretty similar. We can't wait for purpose to fall in our laps. We've got to chase it down with a stick. You know that, don't you?"

"I guess you're right. I suppose it is similar to life in a way. Well, aside from talking wolves and hover-ballads," Elias replied.

"Yeah. It is all just like some kind of twisted video game." The connection had occurred to Elias before, but this was the first time he'd heard it put into words, and so bluntly as well. Despite being on the nerdy side, he'd only rarely dabbled in video games during his lifetime. And even then, they'd been mostly rudimentary platform jumpers. But this world was like a video game in so many ways. Perhaps some of the answers to his questions could be found in examination of that fact.

"Don't most video games have credits that roll at the end?" he asked.

"Like, once you make it past the final level and rescue the princess from the castle or whatever?"

"I suppose so," she said.

"But … look, we are beating a dead horse. Let's talk about happier things, can't we? Like those drinks you are going to buy me when we get back to the tavern. Call it a baker's dozen. I am going to get so drunk! I can't wait. And you are totally going to sing about how I saved your life, so get ready." He nodded, leaving it alone for the moment. While Elias regretted that his chat with Fiona was not more enlightening, it was a nice feeling to talk to someone else who was going through the same strange trip as him.

He was quiet for a while as he focused on his thoughts, coming to no other conclusion than he was beginning to feel very thirsty, as well. Fresh pints of ale sounded like just the cure for an existential crisis. Suddenly, just as he was getting completely lost in his own mind and in anticipation of returning to the town, the spirit wolf launched into a fit of howling. Before Elias could respond, the creature rocketed out into the dense undergrowth.

"What is it boy?" said the bard, peering in the direction he'd gone. Another howl, this one long and profound. The wolf seemed to be informing them of something up ahead. Maybe even warning them.

"Merlyn must have found something," he said.

"Let's check it out."