Chương 533: Day Five Hundred And Thirty-One

Dear Diary,"Live your life until it ends. I'll be waiting for you there, You'll tell me all about it." Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Closure Yeah, I think back at the beginning of writing all this I had some master plan on how the end would wind up tying everything together. But that just didn't happen. If I were writing a story, I guess I'd feel some kinda way about that, but I'm not. I'm writing a Holy Book.

If you look at Holy Books in general, pull out all the history and genealogy, get rid of all the Deity going on about how great they are like their Holy Book is some kind of rap battle and they've got to pump themselves up or the other Deities will score with all the hot honeys, what's left is usually somebody saying 'hey, try living your life this way; it'll make things better'.

Now, some of them are all about making things better for the Deity and not the followers, and others get local shit mixed up with universal truths, but that's what they are. Thing is, that means Holy Books, at their core, are about life. And life doesn't end neatly, tied up with a bow. Yeah, some of us have really good health plans, and doctors who can tell us exactly how long we've got, but most of the people who have those don't wind up with the kind of diseases that kill you slow and hard over years.

They die from things like 'just too fuckin' old', 'not nearly as good a driver as they think', and my personal favorite, 'orca took exception to their yacht'. So I guess even they wind up not really knowing. So yeah, death doesn't let people tie things up nearly. Life doesn't end like that. It ends with no warning, coming at you sideways, on some random Tuesday.

So for most of us, which includes the vast majority of the folks who are gonna wind up reading this Holy Book and trying to use it to make some kind of sense of their lives, the end won't be something they see coming with enough time to plan for it. So in the end, the best I can offer for them is the same thing I've offered my Kitten. To be waiting there for them at the end, ready to welcome them home, give them a hug, and tell them I'm proud of them for all the good they've done.

Maybe give them a ride to the afterlife of their choosing, whether that's Helheim, Hades, something I build just for my followers, or even the final game over of the Maw, if that's what they want. No, I'm not copacetic with that. I'll definitely try to see if I can't interest them in something else. But if they're certain, if they've decided that life and afterlife are not for them, I'll take them there, maybe hold their hand until they're gone. I dunno if that's right or wrong.

As I've mentioned before, my Moral Compass does not point to Good and Evil or Right and Wrong, so I've basically got to figure that shit out myself. Okay, I've got lots of people who want to help, some of them I'd trust to do so, and one or two who might be smart enough I think they could. But at the end of the day, it's still my job. So I'm gonna do it. I might fuck it up, but I'm gonna do my best not to. Even if I'm probably gonna be cracking dirty jokes only I get while I do. Kinda like my Holy Book, really.

So I got everything ready yesterday, which meant when the sun went down on the longest night of the year, I had nothing to do except bundle in with the family and sleep. Of course, because I'm a bit of an idiot I didn't realize that there was a whole thing at midnight with lighting Yule logs in hearths, and my Kitten decided that as a Homestead we'd light them all with coals or straight up burning brands pulled from a big bonfire in the middle of the Courtyard.

Well, not precisely the middle, because that's where the big tree was. Undecorated except for snow, but still kinda impressive. The bonfire was just to the east of center, with a big anti-fire Filtration Ward around the tree to keep it from being a second bonfire.

Marie and I had piled the wood up, and if everybody else was bundled up to a fare thee well, including several of the women with long handled tongs to grab their chosen hunk of burning wood, I'd intended to go to bed early and sleep through the night, so I decided on skyclad. Which meant Saffron, Marie, and Siobhan did too. Which meant we had to fight a minor war, four on seven, to keep the kids from doing the same. At the end of the argument, I think it was Menace wanting to wear her uniform that won the day.

So she wore that, Alex and Maze and Lindsey wore their onesies. Lindsey's turned out to be a camouflage green basic bodysuit, which suited her oddly well. Ria actually had a winter coat and warm leggings, which just left Daya and David. We bundled them up in blankets and carried them, me with David, Marie with Daya. I handed David off to Saffron when it came time to light the fire, because everybody expected me to do it.

Which I guess made sense, what with me being the whole High Priestess of a God of Hearth and Home and Fire. I even managed to do it without slow rolling a Fire Bolt; I just pulled on Dad's Fire God mojo, and poof, fire. People sang songs around the fire until it burned enough they could pull big coals out. I got to go first again, and that was another reason I'd gone skyclad.

I wasn't sure what of my wardrobe would have my 'all the nope to burning' that Saffron and I had pulled off last summer going on, so I just stepped up, grabbed a decent sized log, and headed back to the house with a cheery, "it's cold and snowy out here; get inside and get your fires going!"

Dropped the log into the big fireplace that connected the Dining Room and the Kitchen, where we'd set up the biggest fuckin log of the oak I'd chopped up, not to mention plenty of other wood around it to get it and keep it going. Once it got itself going, we all headed off to bed. Rehearsal! That's what the past couple night's dreaming had been. My ladies, Tallulah included, did a whole song and dance routine. Like, more 'opera' than 'musical', but still pretty cool.

Also, cake Tallulah wound up being far less 'brick' and far more 'airy confection'. Surprisingly sweet, though. I woke up maybe a little late, and definitely well rested. Oddly enough, Marie was missing. I realized why when the fam got dressed in 'wandering around the house casual', wandered up to the bathroom to take care of toilet needs, because the plumbers had, in fact, finished their work, and each of those cubby rooms had a toilet in a closet at each end.

Didn't get a bath, because apparently the big water cistern hadn't warmed up yet, and I was not in the mood for 'ice cold bath'. We did try out one of the showers. Warm shower good. Not as good for my scars as soaking, but still nice, and a fun way to get everybody clean. At any rate, when we got down to our dining room we found everyone else at the Homestead there as well.

Apparently they had kitchens in the North and South Houses, but by general consensus since the East House Dining Room was big enough for everybody, that's where everybody came to eat on the day of Yule. I think maybe they'd originally intended to cook breakfast for us. but as Anna put it, "your Concubine was very clear on whose kitchen it was, and who would be allowed in it today." Which meant 'Marie's Kitchen, and Marie was in it'.

Like, I could see through the fireplace, and an entire squad of her was prepping, mixing, frying, plating... just everything. Of course when she brought out the first round of waffles and tendies, I snagged the Marie who brought us ours and pulled her down into my lap.

"I get that you want to spoil everyone, and I'm all for it, but one of you is staying right here." Every one of her blushed, and it only got brighter when I fed her my first tendie.

"So why do you get her and I don't?" grumped Saffron.

"My lap's bigger." She huffed.

"But mine's empty." Siobhan? The Imperator is complaining of an empty... Good Girl. Ice Pop landed in my Kitten's lap before I finished the thought. Yeah, I dunno if she wants to be wifed or not, or if it matters to her one way or the other, but if she wants it, she definitely deserves it. Soon as we've got Marie fully enwifenated. The day went pretty much like you'd expect from a holiday without television or computers or smartphones; just eating and telling stories and jokes and singing little songs.

Marie kept the food coming in waves. Not surprising, she managed to do that with the three of us all the time when she put her mind to it. But after the main course at dinner, before she could bring out dessert, which I knew would wind up with people heading home after that, I stood up, lifting her in a princess carry.

"Hey everybody! Could I get your attention!" I mean, I didn't really need to shout. Or even talk. The moment I stood I had every eye on me. Little bit scary, really. I'd prepped for this, though.

"Okay, I've got presents to give out, but before then, something important that needs to be done. I thought of all kinds of ways of saying or doing this, but neither of us is, y'know, smart or fancy. So simple it is." I set Marie on my chair, then went to one knee in front of her, pulling out the ring I'd slipped into my pocket while getting dressed.

"Marie, my beloved Murder Mittens, would you please marry me and be my wife?" Cue global Marie blush, along with some indrawn breaths from the women in the room. She glanced at Saffron, who smiled, shook her head, and said, "you're already wearing my ring, lovely Maenad." Then her voice dropped an octave and she chuckled out, "if you want? Take."

"Yes!" Always so cute to hear Murder Mittens squeak. I held her hand steady and slid the ring on slow, despite her efforts to ram her finger through it. Something deep inside me settled into warm contentment when my ruby ring melded itself with Saffron's onyx one and snugged itself down on Marie's finger. Then she pulled me up and kissed me. This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

When she let me go, Saffron said, "isn't that for after we exchange rings at the wedding?" So she picked Saffron up and kissed her too. Then I started with my gift giving. First I did a bit of Co-Locating to deliver my gifts to all the women in the room, as well as their kids. For the women, who'd really struck me as practical sorts, I got them insulated winter jumpsuits and steel toed boots, the kind of things people working outside in inclement weather paid through the nose for.

Their kids got winter coats, the full length kind, with mittens. I never understood mittens until I was too big for them, but the idea's that they keep your fingers all in the same space to keep each other warm. I didn't tell their parents about the candy I'd stuffed into the mittens. I mean, stuffing a stocking is traditional, but I'm not gonna get kids socks for Yule. Warm clothing and candy is as pragmatic as I can go.

Right around then, I hopped down to the Questing Tentacle, found the three Veterans I'd been looking for, and hopped them back to the Temple of Love. While one of me hopped through the crowd, dispensing hugs and, for those who looked innocent enough or just the right kind of not-innocent, kisses, another of me stopped in front of Karen.

"Highest Priestess."

"Goddess! You came!" Not yet. That's later.

"Of course, I couldn't just not show up." I pushed my three passengers around between Karen and I.

"Highest Priestess Karen Smith, These are Dragonslayer Veterans Thomas, Richard, and Harold. They fought with me at Calverton, and before that during the Battle of the Bay, and before that earned their Veteran Status during the New Amsterdam War serving in the Imperator's personal Unit. Take care of them for me this Yule?" Karen looked pretty good blushing herself, especially with the whole YSWG showing so much skin, as I nudged six hundred pounds of fuzzy muscle with four brain cells between them toward her.

"I'll... uh... certainly try." Hey, you said 'big, strong, hairy, but guy'. Praise be to Tabitha Diaz, provider of things her Worshippers would never think to ask for. Back at the Homestead, I got Daya a whole set of glitter pens. Not exactly the priciest gift, but it matched her room and I wasn't actually paying for any of it anyway. For David I got a fashion doll with a whole wardrobe and a horse and it's own little stable. Like, a fashion doll horse, not a real horse. I wouldn't need to steal an actual horse.

Well, I would, or I could, but I wouldn't need to create it from whole cloth in M-Space. I got Lindsey a survival knife. Like one of those nice big hefty ones that has a compass in the knob on the end, and a whole fuckin' survival kit packed into the handle. She had that belted around her waist so fast I didn't even really see it happen. For Alex I'd dickered about a bunch of stuff, but eventually settled on something a little different that what she might have expected.

I scried up and stole a whole shit ton of old 'smart books'. Not electronics, but the old Army training guides they'd shown us in my ROTC class. When she looked in her bag and saw books, she got a tiny bit of a booger look until I said, "everything you'd ever want to know about the practical nitty gritty of being a Hero, the day to day stuff that can keep you and other people alive when things go to shit? Is probably in one of those books."

She blinked at that, then pulled one out, looked through it, a picture caught her eye, and she plonked her butt down right there to look at it. I think I saw her later asking Maze pointing at something in one of them and asking her to read it. I got Maze a copy of each of Tolkien's books. Yeah, he's not Pratchett, but I figured she might enjoy them. I also got her a bunch of composition books and a nice pen, the kind you can reload with new ink cartridges. When she opened that up, she gave me a quizzical look.

"Nobody what reads as much as you doesn't eventually want to write her own book." Her eyes got real big at that. For Ria I got a big assed art set. Like, the kind of thing every art supply store has one of on display, but nobody actually buys, because they're gonna want to buy their stuff one thing at a time, and no artist has the kind of money to drop on all that stuff if they're not gonna use all of it.

But fuck it, I was dropping Mana, not Money, and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to find any particular thing in the kit when and if Ria needed it. Menace, much like Alex, got a weird look when she got a book. Only one, in her case, although it was a bigger, prettier book with much nicer pictures. Unlike Alex, Menace pulled hers out and read the cover.

"One, oh, oh, animawth thad can fu..." she looked at me.

"Just this once."

"fucking end you."

"Yeah, I thought you might like some ideas, and maybe some pictures and stuff like that." I got a hug for that, after which she ran straight over to Ria to get her to read it to her. Apparently her reading is at the 'slow and out loud' stage. She also prefers to share, which I can only approve of right? Following the trend of 'Tabitha's bringing the library to you', I handed Siobhan a gift bag, whispering, "uh, those should probably go in the headboard.

Or wherever you want, like, if you want to keep them at home at the Aca..." She shut me up by kissing me.

"Beloved Champion. Your children declared this my home, and I have never been happier. I live with more family than I ever thought to have, and my Duties are most often performed in my own personal slice of the afterlife. I love you, dear Tabitha."

"I love you too, Ice Pop." She shot me a scrunch nosed mock frown, so I pulled her in close and whispered, "Siobhan," in her ear, drawing it out while she blushed redder and redder.

"Someone is due for some very specific kinds of rewards as soon as we can manage." She didn't quite faint, but her knees did buckle. Oh, no, dipped and kissed and no way out, I'm sure she was mortified. Especially when I lay her down on the little section of table set aside for Saffron and I and whispered, "dessert!" Then stood there giggling like an idiot while Saffron did the same.

When Marie joined the snickering and reached out to lay a hand across Siobhan's belly, I stepped over and said, "ah, ah, ah, Murder Mittens. You know Saffron gets cranky when anyone else gets dessert first. Besides, I've got presents for you!" I handed her a gift bag. She didn't so much reach in as gingerly pull the tissue paper away from the stuff sticking out the top of the bag. Some of it fell out anyway, and she barely caught all of it.

She blinked when she saw the little cards full of needles, and again when she peered under the tissue paper. I'd stuffed it with every kind of thread, needle, fastener, and other sewing thing I could find, and this was one of the big gift bags.

"Yeah, I kinda wanted to get you a Cuisinart, or a nice stand mixer or something, but we don't exactly have electric set up here yet. Which kinda ruled out a good sewing machine. But, y'know, I figure some of this stuff is hard to get here. Or maybe not possible at all. Oh! And this!" I hopped in with my arms loaded with fabric, full bolts in a rainbow of colors, plus some black and white and brown. She reached out and touched it, ran her fingers across it, and then pinched at it.

Then she shot a significant glance at my crotch.

"Yeah," I laughed.

"it's the same fabric my old panties are made from. Got you some elastic in the bag there too." Took me like half an hour to disengage from Murder Mittens' mouth so I could give my Kitten her present. While I did, I hopped one of me back to the Temple with a plain brown bag, only to find Karen sitting on the Temple's throne-bed thing getting just barely kid-viewable friendly with her three Veterans. I handed her the bag and said, "uh, hate to hand you work to do, but... rough draft.

There are only three copies of that right now. I'd really like to know what you think."

"Uh... Goddess?" She said as she very definitely did not take the bag.

"Could you, ah, perhaps leave that in your office for me to peruse tomorrow? Please?" I laughed, leaned down and kissed her cheek, and said, "sure, Karen. Have a Happy Yule!"

"Oh, that's pretty much certain," she mumbled as I leapt to the Academy suite office and left the bag on the desk. When I collapsed back to the me only just extricating herself from Murder Mittens' mouth and murder mittens, Saffron had gotten one of Siobhan's books out of her bag and was reading it to her. Whispering in her ear as our Ice Pop lay on the table, blushing and giggling. I stepped over and handed Saffron her gift bag, and she smiled, laughing as she said, "Another book?"

"Wait until you see the title!" She rolled her eyes, snorted, and pulled it out. A big fancy hardback, with scrollwork and everything. I think it was meant to be one of those 'coffee table conversation starter' books or something, but that didn't really matter. What did was the quality and the contents. Of course, Saffron just raised an eyebrow.

"The Book?" I nodded.

"Yep. Kind of a really fancy nice version of a prepper handbook."

"Am I a prepper now?" I leaned in, "supposed to have everything you'd need to know to rebuild all of civilization back after an apocalypse." Her eyes lit up.

"Everything?" I shrugged.

"I mean, I've never read it? But the illustrations look really nice." She smacked me upside the head.

"Goof. But thank you. I love it." She kissed me, then led me back over to her seat, where she sat me down and hopped on my lap.

"Lovely Maenad?"

"Yes?"

"Will there be pie?"

"Yes!" Siobhan giggled and said, "Oh, bother. I suppose I'll have to get off the table then."

"No you fucking will not," decreed Saffron.

"You, my little dessert, will make a far better tablecloth than any other I can think of."

"But I'll get all... oh, that's the point, isn't it?"

"Rather. Don't you think, Goof?"

"Absolutely, Kitten." And so there was pie. So much pie. Some fed to me by my Kitten. Some fed to Siobhan by each of us. Some fed to Marie by each of us. Most of it fed to Saffron by me. All of it fed very sloppily, leaving our Ice Pop covered in pie. Pie removal was dealt with after the kids went to bed, exhausted, after their long day of stuffing themselves. Never heard a tablecloth enjoy being cleaned quite so much. Then again, never cleaned one with my tongue before. Okay, one time, but I was really high.

Afterward, as the four of us lay there in the Bedroom, I said, "hey guys, I, uh, finished the rough draft of the Holy Book. Can..." Before I could finish, Siobhan and Saffron both bounced upright.

"Can we see?" Amazingly, Siobhan got that out before my little book nerd. I nodded, then pulled the second copy off the headboard shelf where I'd stashed it.

"It's... sorta done, but I'm still not sure..."

"Hush." Saffron opened it, scanned through the first page, and smiled.

"Really, Goof?" I smiled back. Then she started to sing. The first two verses she just made the tune up as she went along. Then she got to the third verse, and my toes curled and my eyes fluttered as she sang, "Try, Evaluate, Retry," in that seven syllable sing song. Look, I'm a dumbass of epic proportions. I've made it perfectly clear that when it comes to Good and Evil, Right and Wrong? I do my best with all that shit, but my Moral Compass does not help in any way.

But when my Moral Compass is working the way it's supposed to, guiding me to successful conclusion of sexy times, including those generated by climactically lewd in-jokes cleverly disguised as a Holy Book full of questionable advice and worse poetry? I'm a fucking genius.