Chương 505: Day Five Hundred And Three

Dear Diary,"Everyone needs Passion, But Passion is hard for some, To find, to ignite, to hold." Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Passion Yeah, I'm a hell of a candidate for Passion, what with the chronic depression. Like, I guess it doesn't hit me as hard now, what with there usually being something genuinely productive to do, not to mention being positively surrounded by loved ones.

'Loved ones', there's a hell of a phrase. Not one I'd have seen myself using on the regular prior to waking up in Calverton. Maybe if I'd gone into one of those smarmy jobs where you try to con people by talking about their impact on the people around them. Y'know, insurance salesman, politician, clergy. Fuck, I have actual Clergy.

Like, not just random charismatic fuckers who work one day a week and get to wear suits and write off their income as tax free, but, like, people who represent a legitimate other person who is technically some portion Divine. Shit, if you go by bodyweight the 'Mortal' part of me might as well not exist, what with me being a more or less normal sized woman. Okay, little bit tall for here and now, but not Marie tall, or even Sigyn tall.

Just, y'know, in a crowd of normal sized women lined up by height, I'd be near the front. Or the back, if we're going littlest first. Where Saffron would pretty much be right at the little end, assuming everybody in line is an adult. I wonder a little bit about that, how she's so short when the rest of the Academy crowd I've had the chance to hang with are a lot more 'normal woman' sized. Like, Bonnie and Raven are both shorter than me, but not by as much as Saffron.

Larry's my height, which I guess is short for a guy, and definitely shorter than Lachlan. Lachlan's well over six foot tall. But, dragging my brain back to the point, either whatever Bag Grandma Aetos hooked up with was short as fuck, or maybe malnutrition hit her like a truck. I mean, puberty certainly did, because she rivals even Bonnie's post partum baby feeding boobs. Y'know, at some point I'm gonna say some of this dumb shit out loud, like, 'wow, Saffron's tits are as big as a woman who's nursed a kid'.

While, y'know, having an obvious mini-Saffron running around dictating everything to everyone like a tiny little version of her mom. I mean, my Saffron's rack is impressive even for a woman who's nursing, they're just, y'know, 'natural monster mammaries' rather than 'fully inflated and ready to feed the world'. Lest it be misconstrued, the term 'monster' in this context is entirely based on their size, not any type of deformity or desire to flee from them. Fuck it, even if they were, I'm sure... FUCK!

I lost my purse. I mean, I guess I lost it some time between getting here and the time I showed up to give Future Me a sabbatical, but I went to all the trouble to print out a full color monsterfucker permit and laminate it and shit, and now it's gone. Ah, well. I'm sure I've come up with dumber jokes between then and now. I'll come up with dumber ones in the future. Hell, I've got a whole little squad of ne'er do wells to assist me.

I'm pretty sure all of them are down for shenanigans of the chaotic stupid mischievous kind. I dunno if Future Me did anything like that, but before I gotta go, I definitely want to check that off my, off our, bucket list. Speaking of buckets, the kids apparently went through a couple more buckets of paint each. When I collected them in the bath room, before we started stripping and scrubbing, I lined them up and asked, "did any of you swallow any of the paint?"

That got a lot of them looking at each other and shrugging, and Menace trying to look at her own disturbingly black tongue. After a dozen seconds of that, she uncrossed her eyes and said, "why?" I sighed, then squatted down so I could get eye to eye with most of them.

"Because almost every kind of paint I can think of is some degree of poisonous."

"Bud id tathteth thweed?" I hung my head a second.

"Yeah. Yeah, I've heard that. But the ones that taste sweet are some of the worst ones of all. Worst of all, a lot of them don't kill you." When they all looked a little confused, I said, "they give you brain damage. Make you stupid, or impulsive, or aggressive, or all other kinds of incapable of thinking. And a lot of that shit is permanent." I looked over at Siobhan, who'd been watching, a little appalled as I described what I remembered of lead poisoning.

Like, I'm not sure any of the paints had lead in them, but I'm pretty sure none of them were meant for consumption.

"Sister, do you have anything to purge poison from somebody?" She nodded, but sighed.

"Sadly, it's not terribly pleasant." I shrugged.

"Can't be worse than brain damage, or shit eating holes in your stomach, or any of the other weird shit paint can do if you drink too much of it for too long." I held out my hands for Isnomi, who toddled over and got up on my knee while Siobhan walked over to lay a hand on her head.

"Ready, Isnomi?"

"Weddy." Siobhan did... something, and a moment later Isnomi leapt off my knee and sprinted for the toilet. First she spat up what looked like a glob of black jelly, then she leapt to plant her butt on the seat. The kids kinda chuckled at the sounds coming out of her, right up until I quietly said, "who's next when she's done?" You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version. One by one Siobhan purged whatever the kids had gotten into themselves.

I felt really bad for Daya and David, who both looked like the rapid evacuation of their bowels was more upsetting to them than the thought that they'd been poisoned. Alex had been acting all tough, like no poison in the world could possibly hurt her, but when Siobhan tagged her with the anti-Poison Shape, she wound up barfing and sharting at the same time. Marie cleaned her up and I carried her over to Saffron, letting her hide her tear-streaked face in my shoulder while I did. Lindsey...

just took her turn on the toilet, spitting out a wad of goop the size of a pea before turning to take a normal crap.

"Didn't like the taste?" She shrugged.

"Something smelled bad about it."

"You didn't think to tell the others?" She shrugged again, but frowned a little.

"Not like they'd listen," she said quietly.

"Due diligence, kiddo. Besides, some of them might. And if you tell Menace or Maze or maybe Ria, they might back you up." She sighed and hung her head.

"I'm sorry." When she slipped off the pot I pulled her into a hug.

"You didn't exactly do something wrong. But in the future?"

"Yeah. Okay. Mama." I couldn't tell if that last had slipped out, or if she'd done it on purpose. But she scampered over to wait for bath time with Saffron before I could get a good look at her face. Ria didn't even spit.

"I don't eat paint," she explained.

"My tutors explained the possible ramifications."

"Ooh. Big word. You heard what I said to Lindsey?" She blushed.

"Goes for you as well, kiddo." She nodded, then said, "so strange."

"What's that?"

"Lindsey. It's... I grew up with my brother, so I've always assumed it's a boy's name. Is she a boy?" My turn to shrug.

"I don't think so, but you could ask her, if it matters."

"Doesn't it?"

"Some people think it's important. Other people don't really care. Like, I don't think it matters to Conrad except for artistic purposes. Some people only want to be romantic with boys or girls. Some people get really weird about boys seeing them naked, but are okay with girls, or vice versa. Some people think that girls should have one set of jobs and boys should have another." She slipped off the pot and stepped into the hug I offered.

"What do you think?" I smiled at her.

"I think people are who they are, and that matters more than whether they're girls or boys. But I also think I'm a girl, and for some people whether they're a girl or a boy is a big important thing. So, y'know, know who you are, and ask your friends if it matters to them. And your sibs, if it's not readily apparent." She tilted her head.

"Like David?" I laughed.

"Oh, definitely like David. Girliest girl ever to girl." She nodded and walked over to wait her turn in the tub. Meanwhile, before I went on towel duty, I gave Maze a quick hug before she took her turn on the pot.

"Sorry, papa."

"Did you tell them not to?" She nodded.

"But they didn't listen. I think Isnomi has her Mom's taste for sweet things." I shook my head ruefully.

"She straight up drank a bucket of paint, didn't she?" Maze tried to hide her smile but couldn't.

"Two."

"Not your fault. Not even your job to tattle, really. But be aware, Menace is absolutely immortal in any way that matters. So using her as a test if something is dangerous is maybe not the best idea." She nodded, and I headed off to toweling duty. Menace first, of course.

"Thowwy, Mama." Bundling her and pulling her to me for a moment, I asked, "why?" I mean, I thought I knew, but its important to have kids say it, both to make sure they understand and to maybe drive it home a little. She thought about it, then swallowed and said, "I did something dumb, and got the others to do the same dumb thing."

"Dumb, or...?"

"Dangerous," she whispered. I nodded.

"Yeah." Then I got a really stupid idea, looked around until I found the tiny blond I'd been looking for.

"Hey, Liam?" He started and moved his gaze incrementally from Menace to me.

"Yes, Commander?" I guess he picked that up from his uncle or dad or something.

"Has your dad started teaching you Mana Shaping yet?"

"Only the basics, but yes!" I nodded.

"Okay then." I looked back down to Menace, then thought to Saffron and Siobhan both, you down for some teaching? When they both made inquisitive noises in my head, I said, "would you and your sisters like to start learning some basic Healing Magics, just in case one of you gets hurt and you can't get to an adult in time?" As our littlest one imitated a bobblehead, Saffron thought, you realize some of them are far too small to express or Shape Mana?

Yeah, I get that, Kitten, but some of them aren't, and the ones who are can still learn, like, the concepts, right?

"So be it. Tomorrow we shall all have some lessons." She turned to Sister Siobhan.

"Sister, would you mind hosting our lesson?" I got to see Siobhan go all strict. Really kinda hot, even if it didn't happen very often.

"So long as they're all on their best behavior." Then she melted back to normal Ice Pop.

"Isnomi has been more than helpful in the past, so I'm sure we can find something for them all to do if they tire of practicing." After everybody got clean and we got a hot meal into everyone, the big cuddle piles formed up. Before we all drifted off, Saffron yoinked the four of us to the Bed room, where she'd arranged us around Siobhan.

"I believe someone was, as Tabitha would say, feeling some kind of way about being left out?" Siobhan blushed, managed to stay on her feet, and said, "well, I..."

"And, after all, deserves to be preemptively rewarded for her hard work teaching our little miscreants how to put themselves and each other back together?" Fun watching her blush and blanch at the same time. Even more fun when she rallied.

"I did have something in mind?" Then she pointed at the big drawer under the Bed. Speaking of bucket lists, got to check another item off mine. Never thought I'd be able to afford one of those. So all day long I worked on the steps up the Bore while listening to Saffron, Siobhan, and Marie try to teach the horde hoard the basics of Mana Shaping while Isnomi tried to show them all how to be 'helpful' in the Infirmary. I did not, just to make it clear for posterity, cheat and look in on what they'd been painting.

Holy shit, have I actually grown up enough to have an impulse and not give in to it immediately?