Chương 377: Day Three Hundred And Seventy-Five

Dear Diary,"An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy." - Rudyard Kipling Y'know, for all the man had some issues, I seem to agree with some of his shit a lot. I mean, yeah, he was a dude totally at peace with his tiny nation conquering the world to make it a better place and you know what, I think I understand completely why I agree with him so much. Still, in my case the three Clergy I deal with on the regular are also Moms, and in at least my case I think I do a lot more Momming than Priestessing.

Okay, given how often I'm going out wrecking shit, I'm probably doing more Championing than I am anything else. So yesterday was awesome in a lofi chill way.

At sunset, when Doc Roberts asked everyone to close down anything potentially dangerous, because he would be leaving and didn't want one of his classes blowing one of the towers off the Academy, Saffron thanked him, reiterated that she and I would be leaving as well, so there wouldn't be Healers, Priestesses, or an Archmagi to save them if they screwed something up, then put her arms around me and whispered, " Black Dragon?" in my ear.

I collapsed back to myself, enjoying the weight of her dangling down my side as I put my binocs back in their case. We'd had some weather come through, and though the rain had slacked to a trickle for the moment, the wind over the Bay still had the mast making those twangy wire noises. I slipped the binoc case over my neck, slipping my other arm under Saffron's ass to brace her so she didn't slip off of my soaked skin or The Dress' slippery silk while I climbed down the ladder.

She Grinned at me, and our little privacy bowl popped into place. My jaw dropped open and I waved a hand at the ongoing downpour.

"Like to live dangerously, huh?" She nuzzled my neck and murmured, "my wife is the mistress of tentacles, whose very nature is to devour all of reality. What do you think?" I pawed at the binoc case.

"These aren't exactly replaceable here and now..." Before I could say anything, she grabbed the case, my skin anti-tingled a little where she touched me, and it disappeared.

"On the desk in your office." Lame excuse anyhow.

"Fuck it." I scooped her around and stepped toward Marie, only to have Saffron hold me just a breath away from kissing her.

"No, loves. Fuck me. Fuck me here in the highest spot around, in defiance of the gods themselves, while wind blows and lightning strikes. Let them not even have the slightest hint that they might interrupt our wedded bliss in this or any other way." She stopped holding me back, and lost the ability to speak. Hard to do with somebody's tongue going spelunking in your throat.

By the time we finished up and fell into our bed at Lancaster House, I'd lost the ability to truthfully say, "never have I ever lost count of how many times I've been struck by lightning while having sex."

I gotta tell you, my Kitten is down for some crazy assed shit, but it might be wilder on a deep, meaningful shit note that right in the middle of it, right before a particularly well timed strike hit us, I saw Murder Mittens in full on Uncanny Valley, dripping wet scalded scorched steaming smoking electrified cat mode and the only thought that went through my head was a typically sophomoric, 'my wife is smokin' hot, literally'.

I don't know which of us is weirder, Marie for being attracted to a walking bundle of scar tissue, or me for being attracted to shit that would have the SCP Foundation be calling for backup. Okay, I know the answer, it's Saffron, because she's absolutely the one who initiates the weirdest shit, and does it with post-massacre muscle mommy and krazy killer kitten. All while being a walking advertisement for short stack supremacy. Mimic danced through the lightning.

Her Kraken seemed a little subdued, but still there, still protecting our fleet from any underwater shenanigans. Soup rained from the sky. I think it was soup. Maybe chili? Like, not meat, or beans, or even peppers, but just that oily red brown sauce that burned every spot it touched in absolutely the best ways. I gotta get my hands on some of that shit before the jones gets too strong. Woke up way early to sounds in the bathroom. Co-Located in to check on things, only to find another steaming bath.

Now, I know what you're thinking, 'Tabitha, of course you're not stupid enough to fall for the same trap twice in one week'. You'd be right; I'm stupid enough to fall for it every time she pulls this shit, because the odds of her actually drowning me approach zero, and I don't know how this little kid does it, but she gets the whole fuckin' tub full of water slightly hotter than Satan's asshole, which feels incredible against sore muscles.

I backflopped into the tub, blessing whoever had decided to leave the floor as bare stone with some textured bits for traction and some throw rugs in a few spots for maybe sitting or kneeling on. Letting go of everything, I let the water take me, melt me into an utterly relaxed lump. Before long I felt tiny hands pulling me down by my hair.

I realized now how she'd managed to get me last time; the tugs were barely anything I'd notice if I weren't paying attention, almost like the mass of my mane of hair shifting as the water moved. I watched her as she slipped around from under me and shoved me down until my back hit the bottom of the tub. Moving slower than the movement of the water, I slipped my arm around her without touching her until I pulled her into a gentle hug. She stiffened up at that.

I pushed myself up just enough my back wasn't touching the base of the tub, because the water just felt better, and then ran my fingers through her hair, gently pulling tangles out. After the first couple strokes, I just petted her the way I would Isnomi, and she relaxed and closed her eyes. Really don't know how long we lay there. I almost fell asleep a couple times. After the second time, I nudged her, then nodded toward the surface.

She pouted a little, but didn't struggle when I pushed myself backward until we sat with our heads above the water.

"Hey Maze. Still trying to kill me off before I marry your mama Marie?" She shrugged. I nodded, then spread my arms along the side of the tub. Not quite as relaxing as lying there floating, but way less chance of me falling asleep this way. She floated next to me, her head pillowed on my arm. After a while she shifted, then said, "mad?" I shrugged.

"Why would I be mad? This bath is really nice. I don't normally get to just soak like this, and never with the water this brutally hot." She frowned, and I quickly added, "that's a good thing. Hot feels good on my scars, on my injuries that are still healing." She got a pouty look again, and I said, "look, if somebody else stumbles in here, you gonna try and kill them?" She frowned.

"No."

"Okay then. What about the other kids? You gonna let them drown?"

"No!" She still wasn't loud, but clearly vehement. Maybe even a little offended. I nodded my approval.

"See? You've got beef with me. I get that. Shit, I've had moments I wanted to kick my own ass, but that's a little tough to do."

"What about that thing you do?" I blinked.

"I guess, but I can't exactly fight myself, can I?"

"Why not?" I thought about that.

"Even when it's two of me, it's still one of me in here." I tapped my head. with one finger.

"So there's no surprise, no chance I won't dodge a swing, none of that." She shrugged.

"So just don't fight." I chuckled.

"So what, I just stand there and let me hit me?" She shrugged, and I swear this kid had some kind of Racial Skill at 'duh' looks.

"Okay, yeah, I guess I could do that."

"Could you kill you?" she whispered. That got another barked laugh out of me.

"Holy shit, Maze. Dark much?" I shook my head, but said, "I mean, probably? I've definitely done some shit where it killed one of me, and I did it knowing that, either to take a hit so someone else didn't have to, or to get somebody's attention so I could bu... So I could attack them while they were distracted. Heck, I think I did it once to bind up somebody's weapon so I could get them while they did that." She went quiet for a bit, then said, "is that how you killed my papa?" I slumped.

"Fuck. Shit. I... I know you probably don't care, but that's probably the thing I feel shittiest about. Not just killing your dad. I mean, Garland lied to him about shit, so he was trying to kill me, so me killing him first was just a shitty thing that happens. But honestly? I can't even say everybody I killed was somebody tough enough I couldn't stop them any other way. Some of the folks I killed during that expedition were just...

in the wrong place, at the wrong time, and I didn't have time to be careful about taking them out of the fight. I just needed... Fuck, it doesn't matter what I needed. But I can't even tell you some cool story about how your papa was a big brave badass who almost beat me, or died protecting some of his buddies, or anything cool like that. Garland lied. Your papa came at me. I killed him.

I'm sorry as shit that made you an orphan, but I don't see how the fuck I could have done any different at the time without some other kid becoming an orphan." If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

"Isnomi?" I shook my head, shooting her a savage grin.

"Isnomi's got Saffron. Hell, just like you, she's got Marie. Also, I'm a little bit tough to kill. As a certain little horse-girl seems to be discovering."

"Could you kill you?" I shook my head, smiling. One track mind reminded me of my Kitten. I shrugged.

"I mean, I could kill one of me, probably, yeah."

"Would it hurt?" she whispered. I thought about that for a second before saying, "I don't think I can really describe how much it hurts. I mean, the kind of hurt it takes to kill me is pretty fuckin' awful. I've gotten myself cut in half and lived through it, and had a Giant Enemy Crab Hole Spawn chew on my head for a while without dying. I think that might have cracked my skull a little, but I didn't die from it. So the kind of beating it takes to kill me hurts, but next to actually dying? All that is just..."

I rummaged through my brain looking for a word that wasn't synonymous with 'foreplay' before settling on, "it's really not worth mentioning." She looked me right in the eye and said, "would you kill you for me?" My jaw slowly dropped.

Not just at the audacity of this little bitch, not just at the thought that a six year old kid would want me dead, because that was pretty clear from her whole 'trying to drown me twice this week' thing, but at the fact that, if she were asking me to kill anybody else for making her an orphan? I'd probably do it. Fuck, if she asked me to kill a God for vengeance for making her an orphan? I'd be dragging them here screaming, asking if she wanted me to fill the tub with their blood so she could bathe in it afterward.

I took a deep breath and said, "is that what you want me to do?" She nodded.

"You know this won't bring either of them back, right?" She nodded again.

"You ever see somebody die before? Violently?" She nodded at each of those. Mercenary's kid. Not like Mercs have day care.

"You ever kill anybody?" She frowned, shook her head.

"You sure about this?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"Okay. Gimme a second." I stepped out onto the floor of the bathroom, Co-Locating to face myself as I did. Fuck I had a lot of scars. Still, I was absolutely ripped, and every bit of fat on my fuckin' body had migrated to my face and tits. Mostly my tits. Probably some kind of weird Blend shapeshifting bullshit. I also had a fuckton of hair by now. The only reason I didn't have one of those massive solid state manes was the frequent hundred-strokes combing by Marie, I think. I shook my head and thought, Marie?

Vlickies? I gotta do something for Maze in the bathroom. Please don't come in, don't let Saffron in. Not until I say otherwise, anyhow. And this is absolutely a commandment to both of you, do not let any of the other kids in, or let them see what's happening in here. Yes, Goddess. I got the faintest hint of worry for Maze from her, and thought, doing a favor for her. Getting her some vengeance on the dumb fucker who made her an orphan. Whether she understood or not, her only reply was, Thank you.

You're welcome, Murder Mittens. Love you. Then I went to work. The one of me looking toward Maze stood still, so she could see better. I really didn't want this to take all night, and with me not dodging, even with the little bit of distortion from Co-Location I could still hit me in the face. After the second swing just stung I pumped Mana into my muscles like I did when practicing Strong Arm, and blood started to fly.

Maze just stared, her expression neither horrified nor gleeful, just the kind of tiny frown somebody would get while they watched something they didn't want to forget. I don't know exactly how many times it took to knock me down, but it was more than six and less than a dozen. I leapt, landed with my knees pinning my arms, and went to town just beating my own fuckin' face in.

I kept thinking about how I could have done better, how I could have just disabled so many of the people I'd killed, how I'd gotten off on killing and maiming and being a goddamned engine of fucking destruction. My world narrowed to pain and blood and crackling impacts. At some point I thought I'd died, because I couldn't see through that me, but I still felt the pain of my broken face.

I realized I'd closed my eyes, and when I opened them and looked down at a ruined face barely recognizable as my own, my eyeballs had ruptured. I wound up and slammed my fist down on the bridge of my nose, and something gave way with a huge crack. My world narrowed to nothing but pain, and a chunk of my face just a tiny bit smaller than my fist sank in, barely held in place by skin. Panting, barely able to see through pain and raging self-hatred, I turned to face the girl I could barely see.

"You want to finish this?" I couldn't see her properly, even in wireframe, but I heard her as she slipped out of the tub. She did something with the shelves where Marie stowed all the bath gear, then walked slowly over until she stood across my own battered self from me, looking down at my shattered face. As she stood there frozen, I whispered, "you don't have to. I'll finish it if you want."

"PAPA!" she screamed, and drove Marie's biggest pumice stone straight down into my face. I'd love to say that ended it, but let's face it, a fuckin' Hole Spawn chewed on my head and didn't kill me, no way a tiny six year old girl, even one with breathtaking amounts of built up rage, was gonna do me in with one swing.

"MAMA!" she screamed, and drove the end of the thing into my face again. I held my own arms down with my knees, grabbed my fuckin' ankles to keep my other hands clear, and grit my teeth as I felt bones scraping, my tongue ripping as my teeth tore at it. Alternately screaming 'mama' and 'papa', she hammered that fuckin' stone down, hit after hit, until she stood there weeping.

"You want help, Maze?" Her head moved, but I swear to god I could barely see that.

"Gotta say it, kid." Daughter, are you... Not now, Boss.

"Please." I brought one hand around slowly, carefully, slipping my fingers around the fattest part of the stone.

"Ready?"

"Yes." I nodded, my brains rattling to protest the movement.

"On three. One. Two. Three." I brought that hunk of stone down as hard as I could, screaming as loud as she did. It cracked in half when the leading edge smashed the front of my skull against the back of it. The me on the floor dissolved, and I collapsed onto my side as the pain hit. Marie? I'm gonna pass out. Could you come take care of Maze, please? I woke up in the tub, Marie underneath me holding my head out of the water, Maze lying on top of me, still asleep. I felt oddly good, like I'd barely died at all.

Then again, the water had to be only slightly cooler than a good sous vide, and that definitely had me going all melty inside. Blinking myself awake, I asked, "breakfast time?"

"Bath." I nodded.

"Okay, let's get to it." A few moments later the kids surged in from the bedroom, and our morning routine of potty, bath, and breakfast began. Marie didn't say anything about what I'd done, and neither did Maze. But she let me towel her dry, although when I started to do the scrubby towel thing you do, she grabbed my hand. I froze, and she said, "pat." I nodded, started with the patting, and asked, "better?"

"Yes, thank you." Polite little kid, anyhow. Hell, up until the very end she'd even been kinda polite about trying to kill me. Y'know, 'here, have a nice warm soothing bath. I will drown you now, it will be just like falling asleep in a sun warmed summer pool'. Like, I could see some fancy British butler doing that shit. Oscar would do that shit. Not that my kid was gonna be a Maid. Unless she wanted to. Murder Mittens liked that shit.

Once I got her good and married, not to mention as pregnant as possible, I'd have to stop with nightly, 'until she can't walk' sessions, or she'd feel some kind of way about not being able to Maid any more. I figure maybe a month or so ought to sear my general opinion on exactly how much I liked her into her brain. Need to do it once or twice with her sopping wet, too, just to make sure she didn't feel like it mattered whether she was in cute catgirl mode or nightmare from the uncanny valley mode.

"Maze?"

"Yes?"

"You wanna be a Maid when you grow up?" She paused, thought about it, then said, "no. Maybe a butler." Fuck it. My kid wanted to be a butler, she gets to buttle. Also, I had to stop thinking about Marie as wife in the present tense, because now I was in full on Mom mode with Maze, who still might want to kill me. I got to her hair and asked, "squeeze, pat, or scrub?" She tilted her head, then straightened it saying, "squeeze."

A few minutes later, way longer than it took with most of the kids, but fuckit, I sent her on to Marie to get dressed. As Saffron scrubbed at my hair she said, "Marie told me what you did last night." I shrugged.

"It's what I'd do for any other kid who'd been orphaned by a bitch Goddess." She pulled me to her, suds and all, smiling into my hair. And so once again you prove yourself the only one worthy of the title, My Goddess.

"Hey, Sigyn's pretty good, too. Same with Marie." That got the face full of shampoo it deserved. The kids trooped off to Breakfast led by Menace with Marie bringing up the rear, while another Marie stopped Saffron and I and took the time to brush our hair out and dress us properly in our Uniforms for the day.

"Class."

"Oh, thank fuck, somebody fuckin' remembered." All three of them laughed at that, which is when I realized Maze still stood there. The moment I saw her laughing, she sobered. When we all stood to head to breakfast, she grabbed one of Marie's hands and one of mine.

"So. Does this mean I'm allowed to marry your mama Marie?" She shot me a pouty look and said, "have to now." I stopped, pulling our whole procession to a stop in the middle of the living room.

"No." I knelt in front of her to look her in the eye.

"You absolutely the fuck do not 'have to'. I didn't do that so you would let me marry your mama Marie. I did it because..." I stopped, thinking about it. Putting it in terms that a six year old would understand, might learn something from about being a better person. Because I figured if a six year old could understand it, maybe I could too.

"I did it because that's who I want to be. Somebody kids can come to for help with shit that is way beyond what they can do for themselves. Not to get something from them. Not because they can do things for me. But because it's the right thing to do, the thing to do to be the person I want to be." I ran out of steam, then just looked her in the eye until she nodded and tugged at my hand to get me to stand back up.

"So, with the understanding that you absolutely can tell me no, and if you do I'm probably gonna go looking for bribes to change your mind, do I have your permission to marry your mama Marie?" She tilted her head as we walked toward the dining room and, just as we hit the steps, said, "not yet." Shit, I was gonna wind up with two kids as stubborn as me.

I looked up at Marie to see her smiling down at Maze, a smile I'd seen on both her and Saffron when they looked at Isnomi, and one word and one word alone encapsulated my feelings on that.

"Worth."