Chương 95: Hot Stuff

Addy didn't choose my outfit. She paid Silica to do it for me, which was both uncharacteristic of my fae friend and Addy herself. Silica at least I could understand; she lived alone and, as fae nobility, had a lot of free time to indulge in time-consuming hobbies. But Addy, my Addy, caring about looks enough to actually spend solid soulcoins on me? I suppose dressing up your girlfriend has a different energy than dressing up yourself.

"You're an awfully good seamstress," I noted as Silica adjusted the area around my shoulders.

"I-I'm not." Her hands moved like a machine.

"O-one of my prisoners i-is a seamstress. I am just b-borrowing her skill."

"Neato." Sometimes I forgot that Silica was both a nobility and arbiter over the fate of dozens of people at any given time. Better borrowing skills than 'borrowing' years of their youth, which she could do if she so desired. Eventually, she breathed out.

"There. finished." She held a mirror to my face.. I was wearing a midnight black dress with orange ruffles, appearing softer and more full of air than whipped cream. These were the colors of the Mexican tarantula, the best tarantula in my unbiased opinion.

"Like halloween candy on two legs." I made a snooty face, then a mean one, my mirror image frowning back at me.

"I have to admit, I look cute as heck." I did a little twirl, stopping in front of Addy. Her stare as it followed me was something else.

"Adorable." Her tone was nonchalant, her gaze anything but. Here she was dressing me up for another woman. Ooh, the jealousy was palpable. Addy tightened a candycorn sash around my waist and oof, yeah, that's what I get for grinning so much.

"There." She gave me a pat on the lower back.

"Tied off and ready to be sent to whomever it concerns." I snorted.

"When you say it like that, it makes me feel like a mail bomb." Addy gave a toothy smile.

"That's not entirely incorrect. You're here to ruin our toad-friend's day. She's RANCOR's favorite."

"Feels like you're trying to use me to get back at someone," I grumped.

"Don't I get a say in this? What if I just want to have a nice evening?"

"Considering every guest Genesis has ever had on her show has left either yelling, crying, or embarrassed and silently fuming… well, not punching back does sound like a you-thing. It's your funeral. However, we will have to fight her again in the not-so-distant future, perhaps lethally. I don't have to explain what benefit there is to getting her off her emotional balance where we are concerned."

"Yeah, yeah." I was still a lil' bit grumpy, more grumpy than I should've been given that I was being dressed up, and my make-up was getting done without me or one of my doubles having to lift a single finger. As the orange eye shadow and black lipstick settled on my face, I should've felt princess-like. But when all was done, I felt like a hawk, or like an arrow. My skin shifted, highlighting the makeup with contrast through [She of Many Colors].

When I looked at Addy, her expression said more than a thousand kisses could.

"Looking to filter feed on some flies?" I asked with a wry grin, shutting her mouth with a finger and sealing it with a kiss. When we parted, she tilted her head forward slightly, as if chasing after that taste of me. She realized momentarily how desperate she looked, then blinked, sniffed, and looked away.

"It's a waste to send you out there, to someone who won't appreciate you, in and out."

"Oh? Do I hear a hidden desire for more dates with your illustrious girlfriend?" I asked, grabbing her hands in mine, rubbing the back of them with my many thumbs.

"If you like this, I'll ask Silica to dress me up more often. Maybe after this, we can grab a bite, just you and me?"

"If you think you can cheat yourself into some more Addy-time," Smooth Sam said, drifting into the room with a sing-song voice, "then we're going to have to renegotiate our previous agreement." She brandished an overly friendly tone hiding knives like a rose hides thorns. Was that how I sounded when I was trying not to let my anger show? Yikes.

"Hm? Oh, nonono, absolutely not." That would mean war. The biggest unifying piece between the original Sam and all us body doubles was our shared love for Addy. Also the desperate, almost physical need for closeness. My joy just didn't recharge right without an hour of cuddles every day. That might be some childhood trauma holdover. Double yikes. I guess hugs, cuddles, and the inevitable escalations are better than any chemical addiction. So yeah, the peace must be upheld. Why is Addy looking at us so… weirdly?

"What is 'Addy time'?" she asked, giving me one of her many looks.

"Sam. Be honest."

"I, er… proprietary information?" I turned to Smooth Sam. We probably should've agreed to keep our itinerary secret before it came to this. It didn't take much prodding for us to cave. Smoothie showed Addy our calendar. It was a digital one, with little bug doodles all around the sides, showing exactly which Sam was allowed to initiate romance with Addy at which time of day, what our schedule was, and who was doing what during which time block.

Most of the calendar was packed full already, and all three of us were neck-in-neck with overtime. Addy let out a long, measured sigh once she was done reading.

"So that's why the various yous are always in such a rush. This is unsustainable." She grabbed the calendar straight off my interface — you can do that!? — and struck half of the assignments through before adding her own segments late at night.

"I'm fusing the shorter blocks together. We'll do party nights here, here, and here. Invite some friends for the first half of the evening, then go private for the second half. Tuesday and Friday are movie night, with pizza. This is mandatory." This led to there being objectively less time spread throughout the week, but the time we did have was now measured in hours, plural, not hour, singular.

"But…" She shushed me with a finger to my lips. Which was really unfair. That was my move.

"Sam. After cutting down on your doubles you can't just fill that void with new distractions and commitments."

"I can see your point," I said.

"As long as this isn't a ploy to increase team cohesion, team efficiency. Are you sure you're not making these changes because you like having the attention of more than one of me on you?"

"I would never." Addy coughed and looked to the side.

"But really, much as I'd love to spend weeks cuddling, kissing, and whispering secrets with one of you, you're all deserving of my love and affection. I don't want you to tear each other apart over me. Pushing each other off of me, making a challenge of who kisses better…" The thought of having three me's vying over her was making her cheeks glow awfully much. I met the eyes of Smooth Sam, seeing her glint reflected in mine.

"Our tanuki is getting bold," she said, wrapping herself around Addy's left side. Addy stiffened.

"Yeah, she thinks she needs to boss us around," I said, grabbing her hand from the other.

"Maybe she thinks she's got what it takes." Smooth Sam's voice was more of a purr as she drew closer to whisper in Addy's ear.

"But does she?" Addy gulped.

"I can handle two… three of you, at a time." she said.

"At a time. Yeah." The room was filled with two grinning Sams and one Tanuki increasingly giving off steam. Oh, and also Silica, who had stepped back from dolling me up halfway through to observe us with a raised eyebrow.

"I-if you smear the m-makeup I spent a-an hour preparing, I-I won't give you a refund." +++ Genesis owned a small studio in downtown Portland, Oregon. After a quick clear of a nearby convergence event — it was only a threat level 50 — I arrived at the venue with a skip, a hop, and lots and lots of trepidation.

"This feels like I'm walking into the den of some great beast," I muttered, before immediately being surprised by a voice in my ear." That's because are. She's a giant toad, remember?"

"Addy?" I looked around.

"I don't remember accepting a voice call with you."" That's because you didn't," came my own voice.

"I did."

"Smoothy?""... is that what you call me in your head?" Smooth Sam answered." Regardless, we count as one person for the purpose of the system. I can make and accept calls for you. No, that does not mean you get to foist off the responsibility of making your own dentist appointments or ordering pizza onto me."

"Aww man." I'd been looking forward to some clone shenanigans.

"Pretty sure caries can't put a dent in my teeth anymore. Also, why can I hear your voice through Addy's mic?"" That's because we're quite… close. Don't worry, I'll get her warmed up nice for you and Smiles over here." Addy immediately sent a video that showed nothing untoward was happening. They were cooking. Addy was wearing an oversized T-shirt and comfy looking socks. Smoothy was frying up something in a pan, wearing an apron that read 'hug this bug'.

She smiled as Addy caught her face in the camera, going so far as to stretch out her tongue. I groaned.

"God, you are such a flipping tease."" You can swear, y'know. Genesis' show is rated M for mature."

"Yeah, well, I'm not planning to play into her hands." The plan 'screw over the champion of anger' was still a go. Worst case, I could make myself look incredibly boring on screen. No engagement, one word responses, the lot. That would have the downside of killing my own image though… yeah, no, I was not ready for a double social suicide quite yet. You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story. … maybe I can finagle a way to get even more followers out of this?

Into the shabby building and up some stairs I went, until a knock on a featureless black door opened my view into… honestly, a fairly atrocious layout. The first thing that greeted me was a full body mirror. Just… a mirror, and a cramped eight foot hallway that led into a dead end. I squeezed in, closed the door behind me, finding that it had been blocking a second door, this one slightly tilted back as if it was fleeing from my touch.

It ground open with an infuriating squeal, leading into the apartment I'd seen many times before on screen. It was a studio apartment smelling of doritos and energy drinks, with chaos living in every corner. The furniture was all different sized, no chair exactly fitting the table in proportion, color, or material. Muddied windows with half-closed blinds threw in a light that seemed to almost conjure dust on the institutional gray tapestry. The floor was wood, in part.

Somehow Genesis had found wood in the exact yellow tint of the feeling of sickness. My head hurt just looking at it.

"God, it's all… disorienting."" Is this… no way," Addy leaned forward as she zoomed in on various parts of her own screen." She fucked with the Feng Shui. She fucked with it so hard I can't even tell what is intentional and what isn't. This room, it's so obviously infuriating it might as well be art."

"Feng shui? Is that some magical spell?"" It's a traditional method for, well, many things. Nowadays, it's used to determine layouts of houses and interior decor to be as pleasing to the human eye as possible. Of course, it's just as pleasing to werefolk and vampires. No one likes to enter a house or wake up staring at a mirror, much like nobody likes a house facing away from sunlight, or furniture that gets in each other's way.

"She took a deep breath." She's trying to unsettle you, make you feel unwelcome and not at peace. Don't fall for it." I blinked the flood of discomforting signals away, finding a muscle-bulked woman sitting at one of those Friday night talkshow host tables.

"Come in, come in," Genesis boomed, getting up from her table with a beer in hand. She slurped it loudly, grating on the ears.

"Hope you, ah, didn't have a hard time finding the place." Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed her green-haired cyborg friend, Naledi, champion of fear, setting up cameras and lighting effects. I gave her a wave. She didn't even look my way. Alright. Be that way. See if I care. I did care. It was impossible not to. It hurt, being denied even the basest of social niceties for no reason other than to spite me. But I didn't show it, stoically climbing over a bed to reach Genesis' offered hand.

Once again, I was reminded that this woman was huge. It seemed less a quirk of biology and more like someone had scaled her entire body up in photoshop. She had muscle mass closing in on Addy in her warform, except she was still in her human form. If she had existed two thousand years ago, the Greeks would have written her into mythologies, calling her an amazon, or a demigoddess. In pokemon terms, I was a first evolution critter, and she was a gigantamaxed second evolution legendary.

There was that stupid grin too, as if she knew a joke I didn't. That grin collapse her entire image, and reframed it in a context I was entirely familiar with: Little shit, meet big shit. I took her hand firmly. She nearly crushed mine in response.

"It wasn't that bad." I caught a professional-looking TV camera setup, plus a couch in the corner of my eye. The picture frame hanging over the couch was tilted nearly imperceptibly.

"Is there a pre-show, or anything I should and shouldn't know? It's your show after all. Wouldn't wanna be rude."

"Rude? Oh don't worry, nobody's worried about being rude here." Genesis chuckled. Suddenly, the towering woman pulled me in.

"We are enemies, in case you didn't get the memo. But you did, otherwise why volunteer to enter the den of the lion? I bet I can tell exactly what you're planning. You want to tear me apart, pluck me like a chicken. Good, the feeling's mutual."

"I, uh, wasn't exactly planning to… say, could you let go before my robotic arm decides to eat yours?" Sin hissed, splaying its fingers into serrated knife-edges. And… Genesis let go. She looked a bit quizzically at my hand, which I massaged in the hopes that nothing had been dislocated.

"You've got how much Body?"

"Like, around five hundred?" I shook the numbness out of my arm.

"Can't you tell by how buff I am? Even without getting extra arms or eyes, stats alone change a person." Genesis was staring at her own palm, opening and closing her hand.

"They sure can." She shook her head and chaperoned me over to one part of the guest couch that was the least stained and torn-apart. The whole couch groaned as I sat down on it. Her tiny office chair practically screamed for the sweet release of death as she crammed herself onto it.

"Call me Genny on cam. We get a hundred thousand viewers on stream, fifty times that on the VoDs by the end of the week, so we've got reach. We don't edit shit, so whatever you say's gonna stick. In fairness, that counts for both sides. Any questions?"

"What're the rimmed glasses for?" I asked as she put on a comical pair of lenses rimmed in black.

"They make me look smarter. Duh. Stupid questions like that get you launched outta this venue faster than you can say 'is that an eject button'?" I turned to the woman who could transform into a giant armored glove and stage whispered.

"Is that how she caught you?" That comment earned me a middle finger.

"Fuck off. Camera rolling in three, two…" Suddenly, there was light, and a heavy metal tune, the wave of sensations like a flashbang to both my senses and train of thought. The laughter, loud and mean, was at least real. Genny faked joy better than most politicians.

"Wwwelcome back, fuck-os, to Genny G's Custodian Creditorial. It's credible, it's edible, and it's news to you." She smashed a button on her much too small desk, and there were airhorns, looney sound effects, and distantly, dogs barking for some reason.

"And todayyy on the sofa of eternal torment … the one and only… bug!" I both smiled and waved weakly.

"Yessir, that's the bug of the week, ladies and gents. Let's have a reel of what she does for a living." A projector sped up, lazily showing a series of me at my less than best on a yellowed canvas in the back. There was that one time I got bounced around in Creektin by Medusahead's magical arrows, playing to the tune of pinball sound effects. Then there was the time I tried and failed to command Momma Bird to make her nest anywhere besides the capped peak of the Eiffel Tower.

That one was right after I boasted that I could talk with birds too. There I was blood soaked like a wet kitten, here I was slapping my forehead after downing an entire slushy in ten seconds, and there was me hopping in an alley as I tried and failed to get the nice dress on for the post-convergence-event interview, unaware that there was a piece of lizardman guts clinging to my back. Genny didn't edit during the show, but she sure as hell did her homework, coming prepared with firepower galore.

As the final clip rolled, I saw myself on a flat-top roof, hands heroically resting on my hips. And I knew exactly what the Sam on the screen was about to say." Magical Girl — no, shit, stop shooting at me — on the job. Seven stars and seven suns shan't stop this friendly arachnid. Have at thee, evil doers! No wait, I forgot to say my name, I'm…" The recording stopped there, a perfect snapshot of a tiny mimic moments away from jumping at my face. It wasn't a threat.

I was more surprised, like some people were after finding a bug in a place they didn't expect. I killed it, like, a half-second later, but did Genesis show that? No, because that would go against the image she was building up for me: the chaotic spider-girlfailure, who was just slightly too silly not to laugh at. And I couldn't exactly refute it, neither logically, nor emotionally. I wanted to crawl inside a hole and die of embarassment. Why did I ever agree to this?

Of course Genny hates me, joy and anger are, like, super incompatible. Also, why did I ever think that catchphrase was necessary? Aaa, kill me now! With a self-satisfied grin, Genny turned to me.

"Anything you'd like to add, bug?" Smile! Smile for the camera! You're Trigger Happy, magical girl of Joy. Make people happy, dammit! Addy was right. Take her down.

"Aww, thank you for the montage, Genny. I love being reduced to single syllabic descriptors." I turned my smile-knob up to saccharine levels before aiming that lethal weapon right back at my host, gesturing vaguely at the frozen image of a mimic jumping at my screaming face.

"But uh yeah, that's me. Figured you'd let the clip run until after I punched that mimic out of the air."

"We only got the rights for this much of the clip."

"Oh, of course." Bitch.

"That being said, we can't just refer to you as 'bug' all day." Genny snapped her fingers, rifling through index cards faster than anybody could read them.

"You're… Friendly Fire, right? No, not that. Bazooka Bitch? Well, you are known for whipping that one out whenever you need to compensate for something." Smile! Smile, goddammit. Harder. Better. You're a Custodian. You're supposed to tell people you can save the world. Please believe it, just for an hour.

"I'm Trigger Happy. Heyo." I'll get you back for this.

"Thanks for having me Genny. I barely found the place with how cramped and cluttered everything is."

"Optimized chaos is what we call it." There was a laugh track. Why were there so many laugh tracks? Those went out of fashion twenty years ago!

"Anyways, for those of you who are joining in for the first time, we've got two hours of fun and fuckery for you in store."

"Two hours, huh?" I barely managed a shadow of enthusiasm, sinking deeper into the couch. At least the chat was having fun, dumb, smart, fun, mean, and inane comments blasting by at a healthy clip. Genny chuckled.

"So, Trigger Happy, let's start off with some audience questions." She cleared her throat.

"First question: Why spider?"

"What?"

"Why spider? They didn't say anything else, so yeah, figure it out or ChizCheeze4013 just wasted a hundred buckos asking that question." Way to guilt trip me into doing what I was going to do anyways.

"I love spiders. I've always tried to catch and keep them since I was a toddler. I own a pet mexican tarantula which someone abandoned near our house."

"No shit?" She seemed genuinely interested.

"How'd you catch it?"

"I picked him up when I was six. Like so." I made a careful grabbing motion.

"His name is Hobbes. His favorite food is superworms and crickets. When he's not moving, he sorta looks like a giant stuffed toy." A couple images of mexican tarantulas were helpfully projected against the screen. Naledi, for all her ambivalence, was a professional assistant. Looking at them calmed me the tiniest bit.

"Huh. I didn't know spiders could feel things." Genny shook her head.

"A real disney-princess, except exclusively for spiders. And so fearless too. That's worth a round of applause, isn't it folks? Second question, from XxBuildmastorxX: Why arms?" I blinked at her with six eyes. I got these arms as part of my extra essence slot at level 0. I couldn't choose what I got from that essence, but then again… would I have chosen differently? Definitely not.

"I mean… wouldn't you want more arms? I can carry more, shoot more, and even hug many more people than I could before."

"Most people go for a Huntsman essence for the [Arms & Arms Proficiency], or the minor teleport ability, though that one's hard to roll since the Huntsman ability pool is, like, twenty abilities, most of them useless." Which wasn't news to me. It was the main reason why I didn't roll for extra spells on that essence with my spell mod points.

"You really lucked out getting two of the… more synergistic spells." I shrugged.

"Maybe the universe has a sense of humor?" Genny laughed her practiced laugh and shook her head.

"Well then, third and final question from Anonymous. That is their actual username, not because they didn't give one. Here goes: Trigger Happy, why are you so fake?"

"I… what?"

"It's a pretty personal question, but I'll let it pass." She placed her face innocently in her hands, smirking at me with all the joy of a lion smelling an easy meal. Fake? I'm not fake. I'm just acting. That's normal. We're on record. I can't show people what I really think, how I really fear, because… because what? Because I'm not Trigger Happy. I'm Sam, and not even the real one. I am the real Sam's fears made manifest.

And I cannot, under any circumstances, show that weakness, or we are done as a symbol of hope. But if I get outed as fake, it's the same result. No matter the day or age, I'm still cripplingly dependent on people liking me. She probably sent that question herself. What a shitshow. Maybe it won't matter. Maybe there are enough people out there who can empathize with feeling miserable on the inside. If anyone attracts them, Genny is the one.

I only noticed that I'd reflexively cast [One Moment] after the world around me sped up again. Fuck, I was so out of it.

"Honestly, I was expecting to be taken apart on this show, but you're just being really mean about it." Slowly, I sank further and further into the couch.

"There, that's what I really think. This realistic enough for you, Genny?"

"I mean, works for me." She grabbed a tiny something from a box.

"Here, as a way of apology. Catch."

"Oh great, what sweet torture are you planning next?" I moped even as I caught the thing. It was a chewy lemon-flavored candy, the kind you might find in the waiting room of an old-fashioned dentist. I ate it. It was anything but lemon-flavored. Someone had hidden chili flakes on the inside. Genny was just waiting for me to spew the whole thing all over the floor. Why are you so determined to make me angry? At least on that front I could offer some pushback. I quite liked the spice.

"More please." She flicked some more in my general direction. After a few tries, she even managed to hit some straight in my mouth. It turned into a game of who could move the least while answering inane questions with a straight face. I was chewing and swallowing the candy faster than I could enjoy it, but other than that this wasn't so bad. The next candy crunched.

"Ooh, my bad. I knew my next guest was gonna be a bit bug-y, so I ordered some of these." She slammed a jar of brown… things on the table.

"Fried crickets, straight from Thailand." I stared at the box. I chewed some more, chitin crunching between my molars.

"Hm, not bad." She blinked at me in disbelief. I grinned.

"Have you tried them, Genny? You look like you need the protein I bet they'd go well with ranch." Her eyes narrowed. That comment stung, for some reason. I had a feeling that she had just taken that as a challenge. Careful Genny. When they feel threatened, Tarantulas bite.