Chương 93: The Second Complication

Nothing bad happened for a whole week after visiting Addy's parents, convergence events aside.

"Will! You! Stop! Undergoing! Mitosis! Please!" The macro-algae of plantworld, not having studied the English language on account of being a basketball-sized clump of ambulatory algae, ignored my pleas. Lasers were considerably harder to ignore. As always, violence was a universal language. And I just added a new word to my vocabulary. [Plasmaster 9000 ½] Utterly reliable, utterly indestructible, the Plasmaster 9000 ½ is the one, the only… Plasmaster 9000 (and a half).

Made by human fingers in the making halls of weapons by DefinitelyNotAICompany LTD. It shoots… plasma. It is charged by feeling human things such as sadness, joy, and tristosity. Join our newsletter for more weekly gun! Subsnirb! Price: 1750 Soulcoins The feverdream description and the ludicrous price hid one of the most underrated weapons I'd found to date.

It was a stubby assault rifle, heavy as a brick of lead, but with the penetrative power of a cold war HEAT tank shell coupled with catastrophic damage delivered by superheated darts of ionized metals. They bored through steel, turning it to slag as a glob of metallic plasma with a fraction of the heat of the sun's corona shared that heat on impact. Apparently, the sun's corona was hotter than its surface. The more you know.

Also, its ammo — a metal aerosolizer that needed changing every thousand shots or so — ran on literal air. The oxygen, which was condensed into short-lived, oblong pellets as big as a fist, then mixed with a tiny bit of copper and other vaporized metals to give it a bit of physicality, were then turned to plasma and shot out the front via ridiculously strong electromagnets.

The gun needed emotions to condense the air and mix it with the metals into a stable dart in the first place, but after that the rest was all technology. Two thick darts of blueish purple plasma hit the bouncing algae at the height of its arc, the first driving through its gummy membrane like a red-hot cannonball, the second flash-boiling what was left of its cellular fluids. The algae tried to split down the middle, as it had done dozens of times before, but for once I got lucky.

The latter half got caught in the steam explosion of the former half. By the time the steam cleared, its quivering mass on the ground failed to lift so much as a single pseudopod. I stepped up and finished the job. A local place called 'Steve-o's Barbershop' was splattered liberally in green and translucent goop. [Targets remaining: 0] [Convergence event cleared] The convergence dome barrier lifted. Within minutes, traffic resumed.

One car didn't bother to swerve around a goopy giant algae mass, popping it like a zit. Life, especially life in Chicago, had gotten used to convergence domes as an inconvenience on the level of a traffic accident, or a particularly unmanageable red light. It was because we were keeping it that way. Custodians, out there, preventing horrors from beyond the world from gaining a foothold on society. Doing good. Doing the right thing. [Bonus reward: 1 Ivory Soulcoin] Nice.

I immediately slapped the ivory soulcoin on my plasma rifle. It seemed almost greedy as it accepted the magical coin, glowing with a golden light. [Rolling attributes] [Moderate positive attribute: Overcharge - Plasma projectile may be charged with emotion to increase damage, penetration, and size] [Minor negative attribute: Slugger - Effective range decreases the more the projectile is charged] Wow. Overcharging this thing when it could already melt through steel was going to make this one heck of a tank killer.

Lasers had a problem with even the slightest bit of armor, but solid plasma sorta just… melted through it with a superheated jet of material. The reduced range sucked, but it should only come into play if I had to charge the thing in the first place. If I needed an anti-tank solution at far range, I still had my bazooka anyways, and my shoulder-mounted missile pod, though that was currently in use by Smiley Sam. <<this is a good weapon>> Sin said <<i wish to subsume it>>"No."

<<you never let me have fun: (>> <<i require weaponry>> <<i am a good turret>>"Currently, you're my left middle arm. And I am not putting a volatile energy weapon in my prosthetic. I'm already burning myself enough as-is." I took off my heat-absorbing opera gloves and wiped my forehead. The Plasmaster was prone to producing a scalding amount of waste heat under continued use, a fact that the description handily forgot to mention. It left me sweaty even in moderately cool weather as today. The sky gray-in-gray, and yet I was burning up. I gave the gloves a sniff and frowned." Okay, yeah, you are definitely going in the wash after this." [Convergence event detected within (1. 6) miles. Estimated danger: Lvl 54] I groaned. This had been going on for the entire day. I was exhausted. On the flipside, all this running and gunning was a welcome distraction from thinking about stressful things, like the fact that there was an alien space ship the size of Mount Everest in low earth orbit, or that the system was making some of its best Custodians duke it out between each other to determine the fate of Earth. Maybe if I had a moment for myself, I'd get to worry about mundane crap. Like how incredibly hard it was to see Smiley Sam coming when she wanted to creep up on and scare you, or how many magical materials had gotten more expensive again. The dream of a dollhouse of our very own was growing distant in lockstep with our pursuit of it. At this point, we could get one two years after the prophesied apocalypse. Why does life have to be difficult? Why can't everything just work out, for once? The gray sky delivered no answers. I jogged through the suburban sprawl, passing lived-in houses and tilted picket fences as much as I passed potholes and the odd scorch or bullet mark. Nearly every second street of Chicago showed signs of Custodian activity, be it in low level Custodian patrols getting a feel for teamwork, the higher levels rushing down the road at barely street-legal speeds, or the remnants of a skirmish that hadn't been quite cleaned up yet. When I arrived at the next convergence event, a man with skin colored like a blueberry was knocking on the wall of the convergence dome barrier." Heeey! Lemme in! I'm a superhero too!" He slumped to his knees." Why do you forsake me, semi-permeable wall, whyyy!?" That's an alien. Latex uniform, oddly-themed blueberry ice cream logo, blue skin. I should… I should deal with this. Probably. Somehow. What's our protocol for first contact again? Watch, witness, weapon of mass destruction? No, that was the Montreal Retaliation Protocol. Discern, discuss, discombobulate? Also no… Oh what the heck? I'm not supposed to be second guessing myself over making friends. None of the thousands of these so called 'alien superheroes' across Earth have done anything heinous. I approached within a respectable distance and cleared my throat. The blueberry man yelped, twisted around. For a moment, we just stared at each other. Then, after dusting himself off and fiddling with the hem of his suit, he struck a heroic pose." Have no fear, a hero is here! Saving damsels tied to train tracks or kidnapped by giant monkeys is my love and duty, for it is I, Friendzone, on the job!" Slowly, tortuously, I realized how I was staring into some screwed up funhouse mirror image. Not in a physical sense, but in the way that he was trying to sell himself just that little bit too hard. He looked like a normal, if blue, man, with slightly sallow cheekbones and a too-white smile yoinked directly from a toothpaste ad, but the rest of his presentation... Oh my god, please stop dabbing. You're embarrassing the both of us. Coincidentally, I'm definitely dumpstering my old call phrase. At least he didn't seem inclined towards violence. Which, hey, was a lot more than could be said about the Custodian champions. I cleared my throat." Hi. Err, or greetings? I'm sorry, but all my schooling on non-violent first contact sorta covered more… alien looking people? Actually, who am I exactly talking to?"" Have no fear," he said, inclining his head to gaze at some distant point heroically." For we are… the Saviors of the Universe. SOTU. And we have come not merely to assist a struggling, lower-middle-class nation, but to seize the means of production, kick out the Cuban railroad barons, and bring the long arm of justice to the wild, untamed west."" I… we tamed the west hundreds of years ago."" Then we shall launch a crusade on Cuba!" He shook a hand at the sky." Those dastards have dared being Cuban for too long."" Sorry, why Cuba?" His image faltered for a moment." I mean, don't you people on this continent hate Cuba?"" Not particularly, no." One quick AI summary later, and wow, that was depressing. Why were we still imposing a trade embargo on them since 1960? This guy was weird, like, weird weird. The anachronysms sounded like he was given a couple abbreviated wikipedia articles about US history to skim, but it only took a moment to realize what he was missing the most. Common sense. Nothing of what he said would've made sense to anyone who'd lived for even a year in the US or, heck, anywhere on earth. His was the kind of impression you could get from a far-off country you knew absolutely nothing about, equipped only with fragmentary or out of date records. At least he wasn't trying to eat my face off or martyr me on a pain idol like the lizardmen tended to do. He does seem a bit… simple." Sorry, what did you say was your name again?"" I am… Friendzone!" More posing." Yeah, I don't think that means what you think it does."" Why not? You have Frozone and Mister Freeze, so those names are already taken. When I was awoken from my, er, heroic storage unit, I was sadly late to my name-choosing ritual, and Frostzone, Misses Freeze, Freezer, Cooler, and Coldman were already taken. So, I took some creative liberty. I am a friend and I do frosty things, therefore I am Friendzone."" Alright. Uh. Mister Friend—"" Friendzone!"" Right. Friendzone." I strutted over, noting how he didn't seem at all perturbed about my extra eyes and limbs, and gave the convergence dome barrier a knock. [Custodians: 2/2] [Entry denied]"This," I said, "is a convergence dome barrier. Custodians go in, civilians go out, nasty things stay contained and locked away."" Invaders from another world. They must be," he narrowed his eyes, " enfrostified."" Right. Points for enthusiasm I suppose. The thing is, this barrier is full, but even if it wasn't, you're not getting past because you're not a Custodian. In fact, you're a…?"" Genetically modified, aesthetically sculpted, rigorously indoctrinated Aa— wait, I shouldn't say any of that. I am a truebred superhero!"" Who can't get past the barrier." He had seemed a mite desperate before he put on his show face. Usually, when one of the giant semi-translucent barriers plopped down in the middle of downtown, people were eager to move in the opposite direction. Not him though. Minus points for lack of common sense, plus points for just trying to help out?" I…" His shoulders slumped." But I need to go in. I must prove myself, or my family loses their sweet-gum rations."" Your food is rationed?"" Sure. Everything is. We have lived on a spaceship for a thousand years, of course food needs to be rationed so recycling and production can keep up. Do you not recycle?"" Uuuh." Don't ask if he's been eating recycled poo." Occasionally. Not enough, I'm afraid. So, Friendzone, what do your people eat on a thousand year voyage—" At that moment, the barrier broke to the sound of shattered glass, revealing a road filled with craters, clawmarks, and the blood of a contingent of lizardmen. Of the horse-sized lizards, only two bloodied figures were left standing guard over a bent and aged looking one. The oldest lizard had no scales, only a skin sown with scars in the shapes of rents, tears, cuts, burns, pockmarks, and several missing fingers. A shaman. The official designation was a lot more nuanced and complex, but in the brevity of battle this name stuck. They were spellcasters, a solid level 70 threat. She — shamanism was a purely female profession — held a staff wreathed in souls screaming in agony, her neck adorned with several severed human hands that writhed even in death. Two Custodians were dead, one lying at her feet in a mangled heap, the other embedded into a far wall, legs comically sticking out of a bloodied splotch. Given that they didn't resurrect anywhere nearby, they were either on their last life… or their souls were stuck in that staff. Shit. The air was tense as both sides froze in place, sizing the other up. A shaman was dangerous beyond dangerous, but she was wounded, ground down by her previous opponents. <<System, how many targets were remaining in that barrier before it broke?" [Targets remaining: 3] She couldn't count on any reinforcements, besides her bodyguards. It was two on three, assuming I could count on mister… ugh… Friendzone. The two Custodians who'd answered the call for help would both lose a lot more than a life if we failed. Hopefully nobody got killed permanently. This was southern Chicago, which meant it was part of unofficial League territory, which meant preventing this was my responsibility. <<Message to Poker League Members: Level 70+ convergence event break on Highway Ave next to the Pancake House. Enemy: Lizards. Requesting reinforcements. Everyone else, steer clear. >> And beyond that, I didn't leave anyone behind. There was a boom and a rush of air as all of a sudden, Parsnip materialized next to me. She had a spell called [Friendskip], which allowed her to teleport to a person marked as a friend, and which she thoroughly abused no matter the time of day. Also, she was wearing a cape, in blatant violation of Poker League outfit standards." Sam! I need help choosing a new staff and — lizard!" The shaman reacted immediately, plucking one of her own teeth and tossing it at us with a cackle. Within moments the tooth expanded into a giant ghostly dinosaur maw large enough to scoop up a sedan. Don't get angry. Anger doesn't charge your spells. I was already mid-movement, throwing my shielded body in Parsnip's direction while at the same time shooting a web at Friendzone to yoink him with us. However, a wall of sheer ice appeared in front of us, blocking the summoned bite with a dampened crunch, and making my last second dive both moot and somewhat embarrassing as we hit a pile of black trashbags. Parsnip, having somewhere north of three hundred body, slipped out of my tackle with a banana peel on her head and without any need for bandaids. Her mandibles were spread wide open while her four hands felt around for her gear. She preferred pistols, wands, staffs, and melee weapons for hacking and slashing, and had built up her own arsenal over the years. Except the stupid wall was still in the way." Have no fear, a hero is—""Why are you posing now, make some murderholes in that wall or—" The ice wall cracked, then shattered, eliciting an unmanly yelp from his side. Everyone scrabbled away as line of sight with the caster was restored as she just finished casting another spell. Parsnip's magical guns and gear disappeared, swapping with one of the bodyguard's clubs. Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings." Erk, shit." The shaman grinned. She grabbed Parsnip's staff of exploding, and leveled it straight at us, immediately triggering [One Moment]. I dodged. Parsnip dodged, cape billowing. A car behind us exploded from the inside. Murl the pactmaker was a bastard, but you had to give it to him, his equipment was as nasty as he was. Barely had we completed our evasive maneuvers, and the shaman woman had already handed the staff back to her bodyguard, who snapped it in half over his knee." YOU MOTHERFUCKER, I AM GOING TO EAT YOUR TOES, AND THEN THE REST OF YOU FROM THERE!" Parsnip turned to me, her tone immediately switching from wrathful to saccharine." Sam! Friend! Who is that blueberry ice man? Nevermind that, I need a weapon!" I tossed her my old Goop Gun, a bowie knife that doubled as a taser, and a pair of smoke bombs." I do hope that thing was soulbound."" It will repair itself in a day," she hissed." Plan?"" We can't let them get past us, or there will be civilian casualties."" More than there already are." I winced." Yes. Our frosty friend seems nice, but he's only got the one life. You flank left, him and I will take the front." She didn't offer any objections, perhaps because she trusted in my experience and ability a bit too much, perhaps because she was still star struck by my transformations. We'd been trying to get her a human transformation essence for a while now, since quote 'her mate finding prospects require improvement', but those didn't really exist since duh, humans weren't super magical as a species. It didn't help that magic wasn't settling in the Earth's crust. And now I was thinking about that again and how the system was sucking up all the magic for its own ends and purposes. Great. Not like I needed even more distractions. While my mind was bouncing between heaven or hell, there was still a fight going on. The lizards grunted. One bloodied bodyguard suddenly rushed us, only to slip on frozen ground. Friendzone over here was shooting streams of what looked like water from his fingertips. The liquid instantly solidified into sheets of ice once it hit a solid target, turning the lizardman into a popsicle. The ice-water didn't seem to be coming from anywhere, so it was definitely magical in some way. I had no clue how long he could keep this up for." Ha-hah! Take that you fiends — ekh!" I yoinked him out of the way of the giant ethereal tyrannosaurus skull's second bite with a string of rope. His ice flew everywhere. Windows cracked and shattered, street lights fizzed on, then off. The collateral damage coupled with the non partisan nature of slippery ice meant suddenly everyone had to tread very, very carefully. And that stupid damn ghost dinosaur head was trying to bite Friendzone again. He made no signs of dodging, flailing on his back as he skidded along the ice. Wait, he can't see it? Oh, right. Ghost dinosaur. Woops. Shooting the ghost didn't do anything. Which of course only left one choice. I tossed Friendzone into an alley, side stepped a lethal giant chomp, and hugged the ghostly apparition." I always thought dinosaurs were the second coolest thing after spiders." I patted its skeletal snout." Shhh, it's okay. No more fighting." The giant chomper paused, then started to dissipate, its soul disappearing into the sky. Dinosaur ghosts were still ghosts after all, and I was made to deal with ghosts. I turned to the lizard shaman, who was staring at me with a gaping maw." You can surrender now. We won't harm you."" Surrender? Surrender!?" The shaman cackled an ugly laugh in her guttural language." Not one [untranslatable] of the coven of saintly virtues has been captured alive, and I will not be the first." She grabbed her left middle finger with her full hand, snapped it in half, and tore it off her hand, screaming and grinning all the way. I tried to shoot her again. While the aura of repulsion finally snapped and broke, her bodyguard took the plasmatic shot across the shoulder, losing the arm as part of his torso was explosively evaporated, but saving her life. The time he bought was enough. Every instinct and every point of Sense had my hairs standing on end like urticating hairs on a tarantula as she pointed the severed, dripping finger at me." Finger of dea— eeaf?" She didn't get to finish her spell. Maybe it was a speech impediment, but the knife sticking from her throat was a more likely cause. Pain lizard scales were tough as steel, but she'd already plucked all of hers, likely to cast spells. That explained the missing fingers too. She went down with gurgling twitches. Her remaining bodyguard twisted to his left, whereupon several globs of organ-seeking acid hit him square in the face. Parsnip was finally in position for some crossfire, and if it weren't for all this damn ice, I'd have jumped over and stabilized our scaly friends over there. That is, before a second, third, and fourth glob of acid hit both the shaman and the lizardman mostly frozen in ice. She only stopped to reload. By the time she did, I had already jumped up on the roof she was sniping from." Parsnip! What the hell was that!?"" I am dealing with threats to Earth," she responded nonchalantly." They were incapacitated. We could have taken them in for questioning, for prisoner exchanges! You basically executed prisoners of war!" She gave me an unblinking stare." Sam-Sam. Friend-beyond-friends. The lizard's only concept of being taken prisoner is being used in endless tortuous rituals to empower the opposing tribe. Yet they value prisoners, especially ones of other sentient species, as toys and ingredients. Any prisoners they take will never be seen again, and any we take will simply kill themselves."" I… I know, but it doesn't have to be that way. If we just set a precedent, we can… I dunno, stop killing each other for no reason? God, do you know what humans were doing less than a hundred years ago? Societies can make normal everyday people engage in acts that make them appear ontologically evil."" You are arguing for the pain lizards," she said with an unbelieving huff, taking the staff of souls and snapping it in half. A moment later, two haunted-eyed Custodians appeared on nearby rooftops." You are stressed. It is understandable. Being 'the nice one' is your job, and I know I make that harder sometimes."" Not everything I say is emotionally loaded because I'm stressed!"" Well, in that case I denounce you for being an idiot, yet applaud your open-mindedness and ambitions unbound by the limits of hubris." She stood up, surveyed the city, cape fluttering like some bargain-bin Batman." Now, let's join our frosty ally down there. He looks like a snack."" Alright — a snack?"" Yes. I cannot describe it any other way." She tilted her head." Maybe it's because he smells like he'd taste nice?" I… don't know how to process that. So I won't. We hopped off the roof, nearly slipping on some more of that ice. Traffic was going to have to wait a while, in part due the sudden flash-freeze, but also because there were still three pain lizard bodies busily dissolving away in the middle of an intersection. Those creatures were not at all small." This ice is inconvenient!" Parsnip said, doing a power stance and pointing directly at the man." I demand that you make it disappear."" I cannot. I am Friendzone! If you'd want your ice to melt, you'd probably have to ask The Microwaver. Or Freezex. Or Mister Salt, of the Salt, Pepper, and Ham trio." I rubbed my forehead. God these names were… creatively disinclined." Hey, look, thanks for helping out, but this collateral damage is seriously getting out of hand."" I, er… what?" He looked around." But, it's just ice."" Ice which freezes water until pipes burst, which impedes traffic and endangers pedestrians, and which is currently completely covering at least three seperate doorways, trapping people behind it." I gave him a pained smile." I'm thankful for your help, really, but we have to deal with half a dozen of these sites a day, each. We have to be careful, not just because angry homeowners and burning shop fronts are bad for our image and the economy, but because if we didn't dial back on the level of violence, soon there wouldn't be a city left to protect."" I, but… but I'm here to help. Did I fail?" He sagged." I understand. I suppose I have no other choice but to return to the fathership and volunteer for mental realignment."" Mental realignment?"" Oh, I will simply have my thoughts unspooled and my emotional reactions recalibrated to The Cause. We all must go through at least one run-through after we are chosen for superheroing duty. It is also a standard procedure for dissidents and the mentally disturbed, though I hear they get a harsher regimen." Parsnip and I gave each other a look. While she didn't have background knowledge of the various tools and methods political institutions used to form public opinion and keep power with, the look on her face told me that alarms weren't just going off in my head." You know what? I think you're perfectly aligned," I said." Yes, yes, enthusiasm is a balm that heals all mental deficiencies," Parsnip nodded wisely." You are very enthusiastic."" Really?" His eyes were practically turning into shining, quivering stars." Um. Yes. Good? Good."" So, er, well. You're also genetically engineered?"" Of course. I have to look good for the camera, and for you. People like you, at least. Two arms, two legs, one sensory apparatus on my shoulders are the bare minimum." He nodded his sensory apparatus wisely." We are made to please." Implying that he really was made for his job, and that the real aliens likely didn't look as human as we'd have liked. It was an unreasonable expectation to have anyways, since humans didn't have much to compare our sapience with over the last decade. For someone who'd undergone body and mental modifications to appear more human, Friendzone turned out alright. I gave him an elbow bump." If your genetic modifications aren't just superficial, but practical on the inside too, how about I introduce you to a burger joint?"" I cannot, for I am on the job!"" Jobs have lunch breaks, you know," Parsnip noted." I… they do?"" They don't where you come from?" We stared at each other with an unblinking gaze, barely broaching the chasm of cultural divide." I know worker bargaining power has been getting whittled away since everybody's being replaced with AI and robots, but sheesh man, yeah, you get lunch breaks pretty much anywhere on Earth." He wiped tears from his eyes." This is truly the El Dorado of caloric excess." Woah, okay, not something worth crying about. Or maybe it is. Again, what were they even eating up there? What was life like on a spaceship? And what sort of society mentally realigned dissidents? +++"This is much better than nutrient gloop soup," Friendzone said after biting into his third cheeseburger of the day. We were eating out at a Wimblo's, a local small-time fast food chain that served killer burgers and okay fries, sitting at a table with a wide view of the surrounding area. He'd gobbled up all his food and begun eyeing our Custodian-sized portions long before we'd even taken a bite." Glad earth food tastes just as good to you as it does to us." I leaned on one of my arms and dipped a fry into some orange sauce." Bit weird that you can just… eat it, and be fine."" Of course I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Your bug friend is fine." Parsnip nodded." I am. Thank you." I squinted suspiciously at the two. How does one adapt a species to life on an alien planet? Maybe the saucer we found was a scout, and other scouts brought samples back to their ship. And then they, what, changed their bodies to fit in? That's a lot of effort. Why go to so much effort if you're just visiting? [Kaiju alert! Kaiju alert!] Somewhere in the far distance, a hyacinthe grew into the sky, dwarfing the distant Chicago skyline. I groaned, and sent Becca a quick message. <<You on it, Kaiju killer? >> <<Oh COME ON, I was just… yeah, I'm on it. >> <<Thanks. Addy and I'll take the next one. >> <<Oh, you better. >> Shaking my head, I returned my focus to the alien among us." So, Friendzone." I crunched on a fry." Any long term plans?" He swallowed, wiped his mouth, and took a long sip of soda." Oh yes, plenty. I was thinking of starting my own agency of helping people, or joining one of the established ones. Weighing the uncertainty of self employment versus certainty, but lack of freedom under someone else's command has taken much of my time. Once my place and income are secured, I was thinking of buying a property, starting a family, perhaps building a small jungle gym in my backyard with my own two hands." Parsnip slammed her soda on the table. She was on her third. Turns out, while alcohol was a lethal poison to her kind, excess sugar intake had a similarly strong effect on her mental faculties." I was thinking the same thing! Maybe a garden too, with tulips and other unlipped flowers."" Hm, maybe. But don't tulips bite?"" Not on this world they don't."" Splendid." He tapped something on a slim watch-device around his wrist, and a pink-ish hologram appeared above it. It showed a house, the kind of stereotypical and boring one you'd find a million of in any suburb." I was thinking of a brutalist stone garden, with many pet rocks. However, perhaps a greener garden would be better?"" It would be prettier and smell like open sky," Parsnip concurred." Plants make for better pets than rocks too, though you will have to ensure they are well-watered, and that you don't buy something that grows uncontrollable like bamboo shoots. Though, you can always plant those in a box. Also, a hedge can make for a prettier fence if it gets enough sunlight to thrive…" The two of them continued babbling on enthusiastically, while I just sat there, ketchup dripping from my burger. Wait, what? They… are on the same page. How… nice? Wait, he said he's looking for a job. We've got a shortage of Custodians. If I hire him, I could keep an eye on him and also get our jobs done more quickly. I cleared my voice a whole three times before I got their attention." I could hire you. I am a, er, co-founder of a young and upcoming magical girl enterprise. I could partner you up with one of our members with fire powers. That way you could go wild with your ice and they could melt it, or you could put out any fires they set on accident." His eyes once again lit up." Oh, you would do that? I would love to… assuming there are workplace benefits."" We've got a decently sized HQ."" What about vacation days? And growth opportunities? I am unfamiliar with your ways, but I was hoping to achieve house ownership as soon as possible."" Yeah, well, uh, you can hash out the details later with our secretary." Not in the least because I hadn't paid much attention to our basic contract. Did Custodians even get vacation days?" And about that house, the market currently isn't looking too hot."" Hah, no worries." He ruffled around in his pants pocket and presented a quarter." I am loaded."" Ooh, shiny," Parsnip said." A silver quarter? No, that looks different. Can I see it for a second?" It was a silver dollar with the approximation of a long-dead president on one side. The inscription read 'Jorbe Washerton'." I have heard people collect these and value them highly," Friendzone said." I spent most of my loyalty credits on buying a genuine article. Once I have sold it for ten thousand dollars, I will use that to buy a house."" Yeah, I don't think this is worth more than the silver it was made with. Assuming this is silver." His smile faltered a tad." Which is how many dollars?" Fifteen."" Fifteen thousand?"" Fifteen." Watching his worldview shatter, I couldn't bring myself to tell him that he wouldn't even be able to afford a trailer even if it had been worth ten thousand dollars, let alone the down payment on a mortgage. Worst comes to worst, some Custodians could chip in to help fund the purchase. Parsnip alone could probably do it. Besides the soulcoins that could be easily turned into magical gadgets that sold for tens of thousands to millions of dollars, she also had more followers than me by a bit. Aaah, why am I thinking about that? It's so unfair. Boo. A message bleeped on Parsnip's interface. She went stock-still before messily stuffing herself with all the food left on her tray." Oh grub-shit, mfff, I forgot!"" Forgot what?"" The delegation! Bugsrest! My people!" A fry was stuck to her mandible, plus a liberal smattering of sauce. I offered her some tissues." Teleporters were set up last week and they're finally visiting Earth! Well, they visited the Cauldron already, but Earth! They're coming here, and Mother-Mother is one of the delegates!"" Oh." I blinked, then hastily began gobbling down my food. Friendzone followed right after. A quick study, that one, just like Parsnip." We should get a teleport there." Parsnip facepalmed, hiding behind her hands in embarrassment." They're definitely booked. I forgot to book mine! Aaaa!"" Don't worry." I licked the last of the sauce off my fingers and gathered up everyone's tray." There are ways around the system." Like just asking one of the envoys to make it happen, and they'll do it because you're their most special little squeaky toy. I'm… I'm not the type to exploit my champion privileges though. Not without giving something in return." Where was the delegation heading first?" I asked." Antarctica," she responded." It's the most politically neutral meeting place, or so I hear. Your so-called 'politicians' would get a fit if it were on any of their home's soil."" Fair point. Mochi, any urgent convergence events down there?" [Oh BOY are there ever. Teleportation access is terrible since nobody lives there to upkeep the teleportation circles. We've got cold-specialized Custodians over there 24/7 just to keep up with convergence domes.]"Alright. Gimme a quest for something over there please." Moments later, I got a ping. It was for a decent quest, extra reward: some more ivory. You could never have too much ivory, especially with as many weapons as I had. But more importantly, a Custodian on the job was eligible for emergency teleportation slots up to the amount of people required for the job. And this one required three. Of course, nobody said everyone using the teleport slots has to be a Custodian. +++ The antarctic was cold. Sure, I was standing there in hot pants and a baggy t-shirt, looking hot as heck, but still, I blame the weather. After the whole pactmaker situation, I had to give a long, long, long report on my exploration of the Cauldron and of other worlds. Expeditions to the Cauldron generally kept to the surface, where movement was easiest, and never strayed from human lines too far. My extended stay down below had awakened some interest in the top brass; the generals especially seemed fascinated by the concept of an ant soldier that needed one year to grow, one year to train, and could serve well until the end of their lives. There were other reasons for sending an advance diplomatic party to set up a teleporter array, not the least of which was that Parsnip could assure that there were factions willing to risk emigrating from their perpetually besieged home. Earth was, even with the constant convergence events, still a much more peaceful place than the Cauldron. But of course, mass emigration presented a problem beyond brain-drain. If there weren't enough bugs to hold the line against the ever-present threats, the entire city would threaten to collapse. And that was no good. Luckily, the nations of Earth stepped up to offer assistance. For entirely selfless reasons, of course. Not. But if the bugs were given a place to live that wasn't surrounded by monsters and armies of lizardmen, then I could rest easy. Now, Bugsrest's own buggy delegates had made their way to Earth to sign official treaties of friendship, trade, migration, and anything else that struggling nations might agree to. The reception area was clustered around a temporary base that had been specifically set up for this exact purpose. The only way there was via teleportation or by helicopter. Despite that, representatives of countries from around the world were gathered here to witness a truly historic moment. This was the first alien race that had extended a hand in friendship instead of violence. And due to various legal shenanigans, this was technically first contact between the people of Earth and the bug people. However, every time anyone looked up, seeing the outline of the dull, gray potato of The Fathership sitting in low earth orbit, the excitement was dampened somewhat by more complex emotions. Uncertainty hung in the air, mingling with anticipation as the teleporters flared to life. The largest, most rotund bug I'd ever seen wiggled through the flaps of the tent erected around the teleporter. She was a matriarch, and she looked like a giant, fuzzy grub, with the parts above the hips equally ant-like and humanoid. Her crown was one naturally growing out of her skull as spikes of chitin, and her mandibles were small and clasped together politely, giving no reaction to the open sky, or the sun, or any of the many impossibilities a person living miles underground might have trouble grasping. Her entourage and palanquin-carriers flinched visibly under the rays of sunlight, but she sat regally, unmoved by the world. The meeting was being livestreamed to the world. The comment section went wild, with most comments being civil, and a vocal minority loudly proclaiming that the bug had a big butt. More delegates followed through once the large bug had passed, carried on palanquins by yet other bugs." There is Ekkswazz the silk baron, and over there is Yigguvliah, whose name is really hard to pronounce without lips. She claimed to have invented them through rigorous breeding studies in an attempt to uncover latent power thought lost in various genomes, though in truth, it's more of a rediscovery."" She's a… scientist who invented lips?"" Also a matriarch of the white ant army, a politician, an orator. She's sharp and thoughtful. If it was my fate to be born as a shield-soldier ant, I would choose to be under her." Apparently, a good two-digit percentage of the soldiers eternally holding back wild beasts and incursions around bugsrest were her progeny. Which honestly deserved a bit of bowing and scraping." And there…" Placed right in the middle, neither in a prominent nor easily overlooked position, was Pom-Pom, still missing the limbs on her right side, but sitting cross-legged with all the dignity of a dutiful huntress well-aged. It gave a statuesque appearance that not few camera men took note of, quickly swerving to catch her profile as she was carried past. She was doing well for herself, given how her palanquin was being carried by ant soldiers the color of every separate army — red, yellow, white, and black. Parsnip waved her hands hard enough to whip up a gust around us. I had to nearly strangle her as I held her back from rushing in and causing a diplomatic incident by grabbing her cape. But then Pom-Pom caught our gaze, and she waved back, causing a camera to swerve onto us." And there are our trusted protectors," someone on the film crew said." C'mon, give us a reliable vibe. Yes, like that, perfect." Welp. Guess this is just how today's going to be. Smile, pose, don't take the spotlight. The delegation stopped a respectable distance from Earth's representatives. The rolled out red carpet was somewhat snow-swept at the edges, yet still managed to convey that sense of regal importance the giant bug both seemed to expect and demand with her presence alone. The matriarch, and all her delegates, bowed respectfully, and perhaps a tad deferential, to their earthly counterparts. The Earth delegates were in part confused, bemused, and awestruck. Yet, when one representative from Oman returned the bow, the rest followed in some collective wave. At some point, being the only one not bowing would have been embarrassing, both diplomatically, and politically." The bow of respect has been returned," Parsnip said after I prodded her on this ritual's significance." Thus we are equals and seen as equals. Thus, talks and partnership may begin."" It's that easy?"" Maybe not. Perhaps we will need some sort of marriage between one of the princes and princesses on those cushions and one of your delegates over there. Perhaps they are more to the tastes of your people than one as earthly and bumpkin-ish as I. I wonder how virile your people are? Is a hundred eggs in three years too much to ask of them? You must hide your egg-laying queens well, for I haven't seen a sign of them in all my time here." I sighed. Culture clash central, here we come. After shaking hands in Earth's custom and exchanging a long, long line of pleasantries, there was a small dinner planned, a buffet inside a series of tents. They had food from all across the world here, the quality and variety of which alone would've made coming here more than worth it. Parsnip was busy snacking on a skewer which she decided to share with Friendzone while he chattered away inside his poofy coat. It was a nice coat. You could barely determine that he wasn't just a frostbitten human from anywhere but the front. There was a sudden jolt that went through the crowd. One bug raised a chitinous finger, and jabbed it straight in the air, yelling with melodious fear and anger both in the fae language." Asvex! Asvex!"