Chương 56: Pascal's Wager

"I don't want to play," Robin spoke into the receiver. It stank of Cidex. Father Jonás nodded from the other side of the visiting window. He put the pieces away and folded the board back up.

"Is it the pain?"

"Yes. I can't think straight. They have me on this drug that makes me slow and stupid. I asked them to stop, but they won't."

"It's best to listen to the doctors, Robin."

"It's not working and they know it. I'm dying. I just want to stop the treatment and be at peace." Father Jonás began to say something. Robin watched the clerical collar bob as it caught in his throat. The priest stopped and tried again.

"Things can still change."

"I don't even feel like myself. I feel dumb and helpless. I hate it." Robin turned his head away. He didn't want to cry in front of a priest.

"I have seen so many good men die," Father Jonás said.

"Who He takes, who He leaves, I can't understand the reason. I can only be grateful I am here at all."

"That's easy for you to say," Robin snapped.

"No, it is not. Think before you speak to me, child. I had cancer twice. My father died when I was ten. My mother died when I was fifteen. I had to raise two brothers only to lose both in the war. Everyone I ever loved in my life is gone. Now I am alone. I wake with pain every day." Father Jonas held up a hand, his joints were swollen with arthritis.

"I'm still grateful for the gift of life. I still serve. You are not wrong to feel the way you do, just young. Perspective only comes with time." Robin was silent and angry. No one had spoken to him this way since his mother died. This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

"I have sat with other boys your age who were sick. Some wept, some played brave, all were afraid. Those who believe go in peace. Please, listen. In the quiet moments, when you are alone, listen. Close your eyes and listen for Him. When you let go of your anger, He will speak. Everything will be easier."

"I'd like it if you would leave, please," Robin said quietly. He tried to hang the phone up, but it slipped from his hand and clattered to the floor. Father Jonás's voice squeaked from the speaker. With a sigh, Robin reeled it up.

"May I ask a favor from you before I go?" Jonás asked.

"I can't do anything for anyone."

"I am going to ask anyway, for the sake of your abuela who loves you with every ounce of her strength. She and I are both praying for you to improve. But, if that doesn't happen soon, please, take the last rites. For her sake, if not your own."

"You want me to lie? I don't believe. You know I don't."

"I am asking you to say some words for her. Your grandmother will still be here when you are gone. She will live on, either thinking you went at peace, or that you renounced the Savior, who she truly believes died for you."

"But I don't. It's not true. No Savior would do this to me. No God would take my mother. No God would leave my grandmother all alone. I didn't do anything to deserve this."

"If you're right, you lose nothing but a little bit of pride. If you're wrong, you will have a long, long time to regret it. It's called Pascal's Wager. He was a player too. He said: 'Chess is the gymnasium of the mind.' Right now, you are in the arena of the soul. You either make a child's choice for yourself that helps nothing but your own stubbornness, or you make a man's decision to say a few words and ease your grandmother's pain."

"Why don't you be the one who lies? Tell her I took them."

"I will, if I have to. It would be better if neither of us lied. Christ lived. He died for your sins. You only have to accept Him and repent."

"I want my mother. I want to be with my friends. I want to live. I want to grow up. I want the same chances you had."

"If I could, I would give you every moment I have left," Father Jonás said.

"We don't get to do that. He decides. If you want to live, you have to fight. You have to believe, with all of your being, that you can become well. Christ can help. Let him into your heart. If it is his will, you will be healed. We can't possibly see his reasons. We are finite; He is everything, always, forever. I will pray for you. Please, think of Una." Robin hung up the phone and turned away. He wanted to scream, but a nurse would come. Other patients were trying to sleep.

He shut his eyes and rocked back and forth and sobbed. There was no voice, nothing at all. He turned back and the priest was gone.