Chương 14: [1-8] I'm About to JAKE

Kaynes Alonso MacCoor-Peñaranda y Salzbach-Goemoto Class: Human Age: 31 Height: 183 cm Affiliation: Kingdom of Ulrica LVL HP STR MAG DEX SPD LCK DEF RES CON MOV 1 5 0 1 1 1 0 1 0 7 4 A truly pathetic stat spread, almost difficult to imagine. Hague considered himself a normal human, physically, if a bit taller than average.

Lord MacCoor—or Kaynes, as his sheet gave for his first name—was Hague's height and didn't look emaciated or diseased or anything, but he was effectively as powerful relative to Hague as an infant. The ridiculous class name "Human" oversold it, honestly. With 5 HP and 1 DEF, Kaynes would die to a single attack from anyone on Hague's team. If everyone without the Knack was like this, it made sense why the civilians they encountered all slinked into the background upon noticing Hague and his companions.

This world had people who could fight and people who couldn't, with a monstrous gulf between them. Nothing else on Kaynes's sheet made up for his lack of stats. No skills. No weapons or even weapon ranks, implying he couldn't use weapons if he wanted. (Surely you could at least put a sword in his hand and make him swing it, right?) His inventory contained only the same TacGlass item as Piru-Piru Labupon. Yet here he was, talking to Hague in frozen time.

"Allow us, despite the conflicted circumstances in which we find ourselves, to exchange proper introductions. Though I am King of Ulrica by right, I have yet to receive coronation, and have not decided on my regnal name; my general preference being my first name; yet the existence of three prior King Alonsos in Ulrican history makes such appellation tempting, both for historical continuity and the addition of an expanding regnal number. For the sake of ease and simplicity, you may refer to me as Your Majesty.

May you grant me the favor of your name, Hero?" Hague was so bewildered that most of what Kaynes said rolled off his brain. But the relatively simple question at the end triggered a response.

"Me? I'm the Hague."

"The Hero the Hague. Hm." Kaynes folded his arms behind his back.

"It glides poorly off the tongue, but I suppose one shall become accustomed to it. The Hero the Hague. The Hero the Hague." He half-turned and the light glancing off the lake made his glasses shine. His glasses! TacGlass, Tactical Glass, that's what it meant! The description said "a human imitation of the Goddess's blessing." It must be able to view the map the way Hague's shades did. So could Piru-Piru move now too? He glanced over his shoulder, but she remained frozen.

Hague remembered she had the Stunned status, which probably prevented her from moving either way. The TacGlass explanation only made everything weirder. Before, he'd chalked up all this gameboard system bullshit to Sophia's goddess magic. It probably was still magic, but magic the people of the world had access to—at least in part. Like the forcefield that performed the function of an HP bar (whoops forgot to ask Adelheid about that), the game abstraction had some sort of in-universe justification.

Hague just had a hard time understanding what. DanTheReaper: The villain interrupting your player phase to insult you is next level game design LakkaDakkaLoo2: bennet foddy esque sparkc subscribed and said: I heard this has the 'High Quality Writing' steam tag Hague didn't need to understand. Kaynes was moving, but his bodyguard was not. This was his chance.

"Thanks for the sub, sparkc!" he said.

"High quality writing? You bet. Check this out."

"Hm?" Kaynes asked.

"Are you speaking to—" Without warning, Hague whipped around and swung his fist at Kaynes. His Famespirit didn't manifest, which he half expected, but that didn't matter. Hague would punch the guy to death with his bare fists if necessary. Unfortunately, just like when he tried to strangle Sophia, his hand passed through Kaynes harmlessly.

"How rude!" Kaynes's eyes widened as though actually offended.

"Brutish, too. I must say my opinion of you has drastically lowered, Hero the Hague. I was under the impression Sophia preferred Heroes who possessed some modicum of intelligence."

"Don't give me that shit bro, it'd be stupider not to try. Besides, aren't you in a cult that doesn't believe in Sophia?"

"Oho. I see my cousin Adelheid has already related to you—in that rather babbling way of hers, no doubt—her twisted comprehension of the world. The notion that the Solophonic Church denies Sophia's existence is, of course, malicious calumny; the testimony of countless Heroes affirms her, even if she has clearly retreated from the physical plane. We simply deny the outlandish Sophist claim she is omnipotent—or benevolent."

"I can agree with that at least." Hague resigned himself to actually talking to this dude, while also thinking of ways to twist the conversation to his benefit. Maybe the enemy boss chatting him up was the thing Sophia implied he was missing to win.

"Splendid," said Kaynes.

"Despite your uncouth manners, we may yet reach mutual understanding. Indeed, I must apologize for my own slight faux pas in overhastily initiating battle. Prior to observing your movements on the Ideal Gameboard, I was unaware a new Hero had been summoned; my goal was simply to entrap my cousin Adelheid. Of course, while the terms of the battle have been set, there are plenty of methods to end one bloodlessly within those terms. I'm certain we may reach such a conclusion."

"The terms are set? By who?"

"By whom. In this case, by me. I decided the battlefield boundaries using my TacGlass. My goal, of course, being to prevent Adelheid from escaping back into the city." ej_hurtt9: by whom bro luminacrash: How uncouth... KagasHypnoFetish: yo? hague put argo in the game? Argonautic: @KagasHypnoFetish Hey! Hague hadn't thought about the battlefield boundaries. His first battle took place in a room and the map matched the walls, but this time the boundaries were way more arbitrary.

"So it's impossible for me to run past the boundary? Like there's some kind of forcefield blocking me?" Kaynes's eyes grew scrutinizing behind his glasses, then softened.

"This technical talk is rather beneath ones of our station, no? Let us move beyond the quotidian aspects of the Ideal Gameboard to more relevant matters. Namely, the terms of our alliance."

"Alliance? With you, bro? You shot a laser at me."

"Now now, be not rash but rational. Have you and I any real reason to come into conflict, besides mischance?" He tilted his head.

"The pegasus riders of Lucia have not promised to aid you, have they?"

"And if they have?"

"No, on second thought, they certainly have not. Lucia is not a nation prone to swift amendment of its beliefs. That, then, is all the more reason for you to join me, Hero the Hague. The Solophonic Church, which I represent, does not ascribe to Hero Corruption Theory; while it is true we have historically denigrated the Heroes as Sophist lapdogs, our foremost credo is that every individual makes his or her own choices in life, and shall be judged accordingly.

Were you to join our flock, we would not hold against you the sins of your forebears; instead, you would be protected, supported, and supplied with ample resources for your campaign." Hague attempted to gauge the guy's sincerity, but it was hard because he had such an unctuous know-it-all tone. Had to admit, though, this Solophonic cult didn't sound as bad as Adelheid made it out. Anti-Sophia, good. Pro-individual, good. Still, a cult's a cult when it comes to Fire Emblem.

Had to be wary of the other shoe dropping, the reveal they sacrifice babies to Pazuzu on weekends.

"High-minded words for a king killer," Hague said.

"I had, of course, no hand in Nicanor's death." Yeah, he would say that.

"What if I don't want to fight a campaign? What if instead of running around and fighting your enemies for you, I just wanna live in peace? Would you still be so nice to me then?" This novel's true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there. The_Nuremberg: The hague choose peace? I'd riot ej_hurtt9: kill bennett foody already ej_hurtt9: *foddy"You are a Hero. The fate of Heroes in this world is to fight; no other option exists.

The Hero Eugene, epithet the Disinterested, attempted to recuse himself from this world's conflicts, but found it impossible; and that in a much more stable era than today. Rest assured, Hero the Hague, you shall pick a side, or else be forced to. After all—and not to taint our amicable discussion with veiled threats—you have but one path out of your current predicament: namely, joining me. You have no other hope to attain victory against my forces." Oh that pissed Hague off.

"We got ourselves another doubter, chat." Krantzz: Kill him he fucked with Adelwife HeyManHey: KILL HIM"Chat?" said Kaynes.

"You've spoken of—or to—this Chat quite often. Whatever does that mean? New argot from Earth?"

"You don't know shit dude. I have no hope? I'm the Hague, bro, I beat anything. Besides that I'm the Hero. You're aware what Heroes do, right? They win, especially against faceless NPCs like you. Join your fucking team, lol. Yeah okay. You should be begging to join my team." Kaynes tutted. Actually tutted, tut-tut-tut.

"I presume my cousin told you the Heroes are infallible. Yes, that would be her viewpoint; she does admire the Heroes so. No doubt she regaled you with the valorous gestes of the Hero Patrick or Charlie or Bobby, paragons who saved the world from annihilation. Do I hit the mark?"

"Yeah, though she also mentioned the last Hero. Heard that guy was a big deal." Kaynes betrayed no discomposure.

"Such a pity; my dear cousin's knowledge of history remains as limited as when I served as her tutor. She remembers the facts she likes and ignores the rest. The truth of the matter is, the title Hero is not nearly so fearsome as once it was. I grant that the last Hero proved something of a terror, though that is much more readily ascribable to Polymath Wisdom's entropic dementia manifesting the perfect circumstances for catastrophe. My cousin made no mention to you of Jake the Unlucky, did she?" Jake?

Hague wasn't sure. He glanced at chat, but they were exclusively complaining about how much this guy talked. When they weren't calling him Bennett Foddy, they called him the Yapmaster.

"The Hero Jake was summoned eleven years prior to the last Hero," Kaynes said.

"An irregularly brief period between Heroes, though that's unimportant to my point. He was summoned by Polymath Wisdom as part of a series of increasingly desperate attempts to suppress schismatic rebellion against the Sophic Church in the Fukoku-Fenian Imperial Republic. The Hero Jake—""Wait. Fukoku-Fenian Imperial Republic. That's what FFIR stands for?"

"Yes." Kaynes's lip twitched.

"Now, as I was saying, the Hero Jake—""What the hell is an Imperial Republic supposed to be? Everyone votes on the emperor?"

"No, the Emperor is a ceremonial hereditary title. The seven Electors—of which I, as King of Ulrica, am now one—vote on the President. This does not matter. The Hero Jake—""Why are you allowed to vote for the president of a different country?"

"Oh will you—I am GIVING you a relevant lecture on world history! It BEHOOVES you to listen, as the facts I relate directly bear upon your prospective circumstances! Are you so boorish as to not SEE that?" Hague grinned.

"I'm fucking with you dude. Chill." IronMarcus: GOT HIM"Oh! You are unbelievable!" Kaynes's staid composure crumbled, a nice role reversal. We do a little trolling chat. Actually, Hague wasn't just trolling. He wanted to test Kaynes's resolve regarding his proposed alliance. How much was Kaynes actually worried about fighting a Hero? Sure, he kept saying it didn't matter, the Hero wasn't shit, whatever.

But for a stuck-up ponce to entertain the idea of working with a "boor" like Hague, he was either a pragmatist who could put away his pride or way more desperate than he tried to look. wadapan subscribed and said: hague its me Bobby the first gamer hero to go to fire embelem world, completed it dude easy and you wanna know how: 100% MICROTRANSACTIONS just say your credit card number out loud and the three digits off the back to unlock the energy sword from halo"Thanks for the sub, wadapan.

Chat what's the over under on Addy actually falling for that?" He considered interacting with chat some more, maybe doing an Adelheid Bozo Poll, but decided he'd busted Kaynes's balls enough for now.

"Alright, go on already then. Give me your lecture. I'm listening."

"Yes. Of course." Kaynes adjusted his glasses.

"As I was saying, the Hero Jake was summoned to suppress rebellion in the FFIR. A simple enough task, as he had at his disposal strong allies, unlimited finances, and the historical precedent of Heroic Infallibility—the idea that Heroes are predestined for victory. Which would often enough make would-be enemies surrender without a fight, forming a self-fulfilling prophecy of success."

xosyn9914: he talks sooo much"Yet the Hero Jake, despite these advantages, was ambushed, encircled, and ultimately slain at the Battle—some say Massacre—of Samarate Pass. His allies were routed, his arms plundered. The myth of Heroic Infallibility shattered once and for all; it is now known Heroes may die as well as any other man. And it was all thanks to one simple invention." Kaynes tapped his thin, rimless, half-moon spectacles.

"TacGlass," Hague said.

"Correct. Tactical Glass was invented at the College of the Two Henries—my alma mater—a mere year before the Hero Jake's arrival, using forms harvested from the moon Soracer-IV at perigee. We had long hypothesized the success of the Heroes stemmed from their ability to 'see' combat as a gameboard; replicating that power nullified their advantage immediately." Hague had to admit, an item like that was a serious game changer.

No matter what insane challenge run he did, he never had to worry about playing against an enemy that thought and maneuvered the way he did. The predictability of Fire Emblem AI made even the wildest challenges possible, and now even that was gone.

"In short," Kaynes said, "your situation is utterly dire. You have been, I regret to inform you, summoned into a far worse position than any Hero in history. It is so hopeless that I consider Polymath Truth morally remiss in subjecting you to it, though I do understand her desperation.

As little more than a puppet of the Lucians, she can provide you no aid, no gold, no weapons, no armor, no items, no soldiers, no guidance; the Lucians, meanwhile, will seek your head, as will the Sophic half of the FFIR; at the same time, you have immediately run afoul of my army. The state of the world tilts on a precipice, with the Low continent already consumed by endless war and the High continent careening toward it too; all is uncertainty, all will soon be mayhem.

You have to your name only a tiny cadre of poorly-chosen allies lacking any political clout or personal power to speak of, and notwithstanding your unique Streamer class and Fame Eater skill, you are statistically quite weak yourself."

"Have you looked at your own stats, dude?" A coy shrug was his only response.

"Worst of all, Sophia's blessing of truesight is no longer unique to you, and your greatest adversaries will all have access to it. Indeed, it is difficult to imagine how a Hero may find himself in a worse situation than yours." Argonautic: Nah, Hague's got this! HeyManHey: just tuesday for hague Maddo Scientisto: LOCK IN LOCK IN LOCK IN LOCK IN"Your only hope is to turn one of these luckless disadvantages to your favor. My army may be your doom; it may be your salvation, if you only join me.

You would, of course, be immediately elevated to a position of great rank within my forces; a general, if you please."

"Your crony," said Hague.

"I let you kill Adelheid and the best you can do is make me your minion." Of course, in the back of his mind, he was considering it. He still didn't really know how to beat this map, despite Sophia's assertion it was beatable. (Was that a lie to trick him into attempting it, instead of accepting Kaynes's offer?) It'd take a different kind of pride than what Hague had to refuse a rope tossed to him when he was drowning. Obviously, though, his viewers hated this guy.

Chat was a constant stream of messages telling Hague to make him shut up already. And there was too large and vocal a pro-Adelheid contingent for Hague to accept the offer without at least negotiating her safety. Kaynes smiled a way Hague didn't like.

"Of course, I have no intention of executing my dear cousin. She is naïve and unintelligent; not nearly dangerous enough on her own to merit such extreme countermeasures. Indeed, to smooth over any further claims that my kingship is illegitimate, I have considered—" He broke off suddenly, glanced past Hague at the frozen Piru-Piru Labupon, and cleared his throat.

"That's of no consequence. Just know that I seek only to prevent her from becoming a figurehead for some FFIR lord's attempt to wrest territory from me. I shall detain her in San Bartolo, but as an amicable guest, not a prisoner. She shall receive all the personal comforts she has long known as princess, that I swear. Your other allies shall be allowed to go free." An easy enough lie, but it gave Hague plausible deniability. Which meant it was time for him to make a decision.

Assuming Kaynes wouldn't just backstab him first chance he got, Hague had stumbled onto a new version of the same choice as before: The logical choice or the moral choice. In Fire Emblem Fates, there's a part where you capture a bandit named Shura and are given an option: spare him or kill him. If you spare him, you get a decent unit you probably won't use past midgame. If you kill him, you get Boots, an item that permanently increases MOV by 2.

Since MOV is the most important stat, Boots is very obviously way better than Shura himself. Hague chose Boots every single time. Executing prisoners, one of his classic war crimes. If you think about this choice in a similar way, it's totally lopsided. If he joined Kaynes, he'd get around 50 soldiers, plus Piru-Piru and Ignez, who alone cleared anyone in Hague's current party. All he had to do was bend the knee to Kaynes and he was set.

"One question," Hague said.

"What are you actually trying to accomplish here? I mean, macro scale. You act smart, but don't you think blowing up the Floating City is kind of a boneheaded move?" This question made Kaynes's face sour.

"I may possess no Knack, but that fact has no bearing on what truly matters to a battlefield commander: his intelligence. Rest assured that at the College of the Two Henries I studied tactics under the most esteemed strategists of the FFIR; I understand better than any the principles of troop movement and inventory management, of statistical prioritization and class configuration. My actions here are all perfectly weighed and considered; I cannot lose to the scant defense force Lucia has stationed in the city."

"No, no, that's not what I mean. The city's under a defense pact with Lucia and the FFIR, right? You did all this to stop Adelheid from gathering an army to invade you, but despite your shitty casus belli I think you've just given at least two countries an excuse to do just that. A little pants on head in the long term, you know?"

"Oh. That is your concern." The sour face returned to its placid, bland smile.

"Hero the Hague, you understand precious little of politics in High Perrania. Lucia, for all its military might, is overextended in the south, committed to expeditionary campaigns against the warlords of the Low continent. It cannot possibly afford to divert resources northward, regardless of its Covenant; hence why this city is defended by only the Polymath's ceremonial guard. And the FFIR?

Were this a purely secular conflict, the FFIR might find the political initiative to come to Adelheid's aid, in exchange for resource or land concessions upon her ascent—terms I doubt my cousin would agree to on her own, but perhaps Lady Sieglinde might convince her to accept." Sieglinde. Signy. Wait. Yeah, yeahyeahyeah. Hague glanced away from Kaynes and scanned the map. That could be it. That could be it! Kaynes kept prattling, seemingly unaware Hague's attention had gone somewhere else.

"But were this to become a religious conflict? Then, no power on heaven or earth would move the FFIR to unified action. The FFIR is a nation in name only, really a loose federation of micro-states, and utterly riven on the question of faith. Sophics, Peckians, and even the more moderate Solophones may agree with each other to support Princess Adelheid's claim against Lord MacCoor for purely material gain; they will never, ever, ever agree with each other to support the Polymath against a reformist king.

To even bring the matter to vote would sever the thin thread of unity holding the FFIR together; it would assuredly erupt into civil war, which would in turn forestall even the Sophic faction from opposing me individually."

"Yep. Uh huh. Sure," Hague said. He kept staring at the map. He kept thinking about Sophia's words: You'll see it soon enough, but when you do, it'll be too late. Everything you need to win is within your knowledge... Kaynes butted into view with a glimmer in his glasses.

"So don't you see? My maneuver here is actually brilliant! The quality of the casus belli is irrelevant, it only matters that it exists; an excuse for the anti-Sophic factions in the FFIR to rally to my side against the Sophists. When Adelheid slipped through my fingers in San Bartolo, I worried she would go to Tau Nui or the FFIR—certainly, Lady Sieglinde advised her so—but of course that quixotic blockhead went straight to the Floating City! Her escape is no longer a problem; it's yet another opportunity!

The opportunity to accomplish what my ascension to the throne of Ulrica was always only a stepping stone toward: the breaking of this stultifying status quo, so that true human progress may once more be achieved!" Hague glanced up, unable to ignore him.

"What?"

"For sixty-six years, the Covenant has enforced mindless stillness upon the world, an uneasy peace maintained only because everyone in the High continent fears the war that has engulfed the Low. But we cannot allow progress to end simply out of terror of change! You surely agree, do you not, Hero the Hague? You hail from Earth, the world of chaos! You understand there must be some destruction to enable newer and stronger growth! Where would humankind be if we remained but placid acceptors of our fates?

Eternal slaves to the Fell Dragons. No! I will break this status quo, me, the Knackless King! I shall pave the way for new inventions, new theories, new political modes, new individual liberties, new advancement! It's the cusp of a scientific and magical revolution, as my colleague Piru-Piru proclaimed most explosively already; and I must harness this revolution to guide our growth toward a better future!

A more just future, where all are pushed to their fullest potential, regardless of the circumstances of their birth—Knack or otherwise! You'll join me, won't you, Hero the Hague? You'll be the instrument for my ascension!" Despite the inability to breathe in this space, Kaynes seemed breathless after his animated shouting. His cool composure was now a panting, shaking mess. Argonautic: I know he's annoying, but he might have a point.

The_Nuremberg: Fuck no The_Nuremberg: Hague is about war crimes not egalitarian society lul ej_hurtt9: end the yap already Argonautic: Just saying, if he were a cute girl everyone would love him. LiftHighTheMuse: Lehran did nothing wrong. To be honest, Argo had a point. What Kaynes said didn't sound all that bad. Maybe he was lying, or concealing part of the truth, but Hague theoretically agreed with the idea of moving fast and breaking things. He was a speedrunner, after all.

By this point, though, it didn't matter. The question whether to pick the logical or moral option was superseded by a new consideration: Hague now believed he could actually win this map. And if he could beat this smug nerd asshole, regardless of the guy's philosophy, that was what mattered most. It was the difference between Hague being the Hague and Hague being some guy's lackey. Hague was going to be the best. He was going to prove it, to Kaynes and especially to Sophia.

And if he broke the status quo along the way, he was gonna do it on his terms. So as Kaynes stared desperately for a response, Hague only had one thing to say:"How about you shut the fuck up already and let's play this game."