Chương 13: [1-7] Hague's First Crashout

"I'm so fucked chat. Really-really fucked. Just look at this shit. What the fuck? It's over, it's so fucking over. Look at my guys. Then look at the enemy guys. There's fifty of them, to my four. Jesus Fucking Christ dude. What the hell am I supposed to even do here? It's not like I've got a Marcus-tier deathball unit. I've got Gaspar. He's got 12 DEF. Oh, Tuatoru, maybe Tuatoru's good. Any bets on whether Tuatoru is good chat? Let's fucking see."

Te Tama Tuatoru van Newgaast Class: Archer Age: 20 Height: 174 cm Affiliation: Republic of Tau Nui LVL EXP HP STR MAG DEX SPD LCK DEF RES CON MOV 3 0 24 9 0 8 8 4 4 4 9 5"Oh look at that. A low level Archer with completely mid stats. Woopty fucking do. Enemy gets fifty fucking guys I get this chip damage ass motherfucker. What's in his inventory. Base Bow? Base Bow, that's it. Not even a fucking—not even a fucking potion, chat. I have no potions. Nada. Zilch. Goose egg. Fucking nothing. I cannot heal.

Do you understand this shit sandwich I'm eating right now? I cannot fucking heal my units. I'm Little Fucking Orphan Annie here chat. O please sir, can I have some more? Nuremberg, you're saying—war crimes? Nuremberg you're in my chat right now talking about war crimes? Do I look like I have any fucking napalm or punji sticks here Nuremberg? I'm the one getting war crimed! Look at this fucking shit. They've got the fucking Agarthan missiles from Three Houses chat! This is dick-in-asshole anal right here! Lubeless!"

ClevClearly subscribed and said: today is going to be a good day"Thanks for the sub, ClevClearly," Hague said.

"But man your timing could not be worse." He took a breath, ran fingers through his hair. Tuatoru had a skill, Exchange Rate. When initiating combat, spend gold to increase damage. The cost increases every 10 damage.

"How in fucking character," he muttered. Mr. Money-Money Man.

"But Sophia stole all my money so this is worthless. Motherfucker!" Voortigern donated $10 and said: Maybe tuatoru can use this:) Good luck hague!

"Thanks for the tenner Voort. Anyway. We've established I don't get shit. Let's see what this douche ass MacCoor shit-eating grin looking ass motherfucker gets. Check out this armored lady standing next to him. She looks promoted as fuck. Yep, she's—oh my god. Oh my fucking GOD." Hague was, of course, playing up the meltdown for chat. Not that his situation wasn't totally fucked, but he was amping his rage strategically.

That said, he didn't need to exaggerate at all when he brought up the stat screen for MacCoor's bodyguard. Ignez de Sequigajara Class: Armor Master Age: 50 Height: 167 cm Affiliation: Kingdom of Ulrica LVL HP STR MAG DEX SPD LCK DEF RES CON MOV 7 40 15 0 12 7 2 20 5 9 5" TWENTY DEF? Chat. Chat. Chat. Are you seeing this? This bitch has 20 DEF. Let's put this in perspective chat, Gaspar does 3 fucking damage to her. Adelheid has a sword that's super effective against armor and she does... let's run the numbers...

yep. She does 7 damage. And gets one shot in return. Randy ass motherfucker! Oh great. She's got a skill too." Safeguard: Defends an adjacent unit for one attack.

"Yep. Makes perfect sense. She blocked the assassin's arrow after all. Awesome. Ludonarrative... whatever the opposite of dissonance is. Fuck. Fuck this shit." Krantzz: Ignez is one of the nobles that was mean to Adelwife, KILL HER Kmarticuno3: KILL HER xosyn9914: KILL HER HeyManHey: KILL HER Hague didn't remember the name Ignez off the top of his head, but he trusted chat to remember.

"Chat. Chat, listen. I can't. I can't kill her. It's literally impossible. I do not deal enough damage. Even a lucky crit won't help. Look at this little diamond icon hovering over her. I think that means she has a second health bar. Sure! Give her a second fucking health bar! Why the fuck not!" IanGitax: Go 3. 1. c yourself"Oh, a fellow Geneva Convention aficionado I see. Fortunately, there's no need for me to commit 'outrages of human dignity' on myself, the game's doing it for me."

He'd probably wrung all the fury he could out of Ignez. He strategically skipped looking at MacCoor's stats and instead went to the other unique-looking enemy in his army: the witch hat girl who blew up the wall. Currently, Hague stared at the map from his god's-eye view, hovering up in the sky. But by this point, having used his glasses to interact with chat, he was starting to get a feel for how they actually worked.

In the first battle, he hadn't started out watching from above, but rather standing on the ground. That wasn't random happenstance. He flicked his head and his shades clicked. As expected, he descended from the sky and dropped onto the battlefield. Everyone remained frozen in place, but he could walk among the soldiers and view them up close rather than as tiny chess pieces. From this vantage, he got his first good look at the witch hat girl. Tuatoru's outfit clashed with everyone else's sober medieval aesthetic.

So did this girl's, but in a totally different direction. She lacked Tuatoru's anime sluttiness, in fact her clothes were pretty modest, with a big shin-length skirt and stockings covering what little was visible of her ankles. But her ensemble was totally eclectic, both in color and style. Black socks, white sleeves, gray hat, blue hatband, pink flower in the hatband, and a long olive apron or pinafore down the front.

None of the colors were flashy, most were muted, but they merged into a slurry that made Hague vaguely nauseous the more he stared. Parts looked plainly conservative, like an 1800s schoolmarm, and parts had a Gothic Lolita pizazz to them, especially the frills that edged the pinafore. It reminded Hague of one thing and one thing only.

"Oh god chat," Hague said, "she's a Touhou character." Phandelmo: HOLY SHIT IT'S TRUE tulsasiivat: hague what are your odds of surviving bullet hell To complete the aesthetic, she had a distinctively Asian face, but mauve-colored hair. Hague couldn't tell if it was dyed or natural. He was starting to wonder if he could tell anything anymore, this woman was like beholding a Lovecraftian entity. He brought up her stats.

Piru-Piru Labupon Class: Graduate Age: 32 Height: 157 cm Affiliation: Solophonic Church LVL HP Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit. STR MAG DEX SPD LCK DEF RES CON MOV 2 33 1 16 10 18 11 8 15 5 6"Piru-Piru Labupon." He said the name out loud in disbelief.

"Chat are we cooked? Are we cooked by 'Piru-Piru Labupon'?" With 18 SPD he might be cooked. Not to mention unlike every other unit so far Piru-Piru (that name bro) seemed to fight with magic, and none of his units had RES for shit, even Gaspar. She might outright oneshot half his army, missile or no. redbored: 32 years... at least you're not the only unc here Hague Her inventory was as much a disaster as her outfit.

She carried the maximum five items: Book of Ice Book of Flames Piru-Piru Beam [Broken] Hasselcock 91 TacGlass The two books looked like your average magic tome weapons, Ice with slightly more might than Flames in exchange for less accuracy. The Piru-Piru Beam (that name bro) was broken, to Hague's huge relief, because on closer inspection it seemed to be the scepter that blew up the wall. Maybe it only had one use before breaking.

The description read Stuns the user for 1 turn, and sure enough, Piru-Piru had the status Stunned. So at least no need to worry about her right away. The Hasselcock 91—whatever that was—also had only one use, but it wasn't broken. Hague hoped he didn't find out what it did. TacGlass was an item, not a weapon. Its cryptic description read: Human imitation of the Goddess's blessing. Can see what casts the shadow, but not the cave's exit. Hague wanted to throttle whoever wrote these descriptions. Actually.

Why not do just that?

"You guys haven't met the bitch who sent me here, have you?" he asked chat. Before, he'd been scared of her, but now he was just pissed. He stepped back, threw out his arms, and stared up at the sky.

"Hey! Sophia, if that's your name! Where you at? We gotta fucking talk. Seriously." The sun, high in the sky, stared back.

"I can sit here all day if you want. Come on. Talk to me. Let's have a conversation." Silence. But he knew she was listening. fecesslingingape subscribed and said: I hope we get to see this Sophia soon"Thanks for the sub, fecesslingingape." (If nothing else, this bullshit map was cranking his numbers.) "I hope you get to see her too. Maybe live up to your name at the same time." Suddenly, he got an idea. When she pulled him into limbo, what was the first thing she said? Not to take off his shades. So maybe— Click.

One adjustment and his position relative to the map changed again. Instead of top down or on the map itself, he stood to one side of it, surveying it like a chessboard. A large chessboard, the kind at parks with big foam pieces. Beyond the board was black void, and at the opposite end sat the goddess, Sophia. She no longer sat on the floor. Hague's anger rose when he saw her sprawled over a chaise longue. Not a cheap-looking one either. One with brocaded fabric and gilt wood.

"Did you really spend all my savings on a fucking chair?!" No, she said simply, without looking up at him. She tapped a small device in her hands. Because it was so incongruous with the goddess's aesthetic, it took Hague several moments to realize it was an iPhone. Just a normal iPhone. Hague patted his pockets, but only confirmed what he was already pretty sure of, that he'd left his own phone on the desk when Sophia first took him here.

"Did you spend all my savings on a chair and an iPhone." Nooo~"Then what the fuck did you spend my savings on? Or was that notification just a joke?" Please be a joke. Pleasepleasepleaseplease please be a joke. She hit him with the evilest smile he'd ever seen. Gotcha! Hague stood there a moment, uncomprehending. Then relief hit him all at once. He didn't have the composure to try and hide it, it was true, she really got him good.

He tried to exhale but there was no air in this limbo so instead he awkwardly sagged his chest, stooped over, and put his hands on his knees.

"Jesus. Christ. Fuck. I can't even be mad. So it's all still there? You didn't spend any of it?" Her head tilted in confusion. I just told you, didn't I? She held up the iPhone. A game was playing on it, full of sparkly effects and flashy colors. Hague had to step closer, onto the board, to make out the overly-detailed anime girl amid the overstimulation, wearing a dress as elaborate as Sophia's. His stomach sank. She didn't say "gotcha." She said—oh, god.

"You spent all my money on GACHA?!" Isn't she cute❤ Her name's Cyrene. I have her at max eidolons! Hague stared, staggered, his mouth slack. It wasn't even FE Heroes, the Fire Emblem gacha, not that that'd make it any better. Something deep inside him broke. So far he'd acquitted himself well. He held it together during the first battle, never succumbed to panic, didn't flip out at Adelheid or Tuatoru or anyone.

He'd maintained his speedrunner coolness both in and out of combat, tried to make rational decisions every step of the way. But this was too much. She'd won, she'd gotten under his skin, exactly like she wanted, she did all of this on purpose to fuck with him, but logical awareness no longer sustained him. Before he knew what he was doing he launched himself at her, dashing through the gameboard pieces which phased through his body like holograms, and shot out both hands for her pale neck. A worthless gesture.

He phased through her too. Only the chair was real and he tripped over it, faceplanting onto black void without the least sensation of impact, let alone pain. Her high-pitched laughter stabbed at his back. HEE~HEE~HEE~HEE~HEE~"Fuck. FUCK! Fuck you! Fuck you, skank! Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you!" The more he yelled, the more she laughed. He rolled over, gripped his forehead, yowled ferally, and threw himself back onto his feet.

He wanted to swing his fists at her even though he knew it wouldn't do anything, and only barely held himself back. He roved this way and that. It wasn't just the money, it was the weight of everything, all this bullshit, the stress of nearly dying ten times in a row, the feel of his blade of light as it cleaved off the head of that soldier girl, the sense of losing control, the sense of becoming a pawn pushed around by someone else...

"You know," he said, not exactly calm but trying to be, "those people down there worship you like a goddess. Maybe act like one, instead of a spoiled fucking brat." Her laughter cut out abruptly. Her face became stone. Well we can't always be the best version of ourselves, can we, █████? He flinched. Not just because of his real name (redacted because you don't get to know it either), but because all her cruel glee was gone, replaced by a deep flicker of something undeniably, actually lethal.

She was sitting up straight.

"What the hell," he said.

"I'm streaming. Don't doxx me." Your stream doesn't work here. I refuse to be ogled for the amusement of your followers. He glanced at the side of his shades and sure enough, chat was completely frozen. That means you can drop the act.

"What act?" Oh, don't tell me you really are an idiot? I was giving you the benefit of the doubt and assumed you played it up for your audience! She sagged back into her chair, letting her arms hang over its sides. The iPhone still glimmered with its gacha waifu. There's no way you actually think the battle you've blundered into is too hard, riiight~?

"Are you kidding? Have you seen that horseshit—" Don't insult my intelligence.

"Why would I need to? You insult it enough by playing gacha. Look. I'm in a four against fifty battle, I have no healing, there are at least two enemies on the map that can wipe my entire party by themselves. It's ridiculous." Oh, I admit you made it harder than you had to. You could have fought some low-level pegasus girls in the city. A nice, easy way to gain some experience. You even could've recruited that Benedicta girl if you let Tuatoru sweet talk her.

You were the one who decided you just had to get a closer look at the big army outside the gate! What did you think would happen, stuuupid? Wait, so did that mean he wasn't on rails? He could pick and choose his battles, maybe even avoid them entirely? Or did she only say this to fuck with him? It'd be perfectly in character. No. Hague made the decision to go to the wall and hear MacCoor speak. If he didn't, he wouldn't be in this battle at all. He definitely had choice free from her control.

"So I can get stuck in an impossible battle just because I got unlucky outside of combat?" Sophia shrugged. Maybe, maybe not. But if you think this battle's impossible, you're dumber than I thought. So much for "best in the world"~ Best whiner, maybe! She sneered, stuck out her high-heeled shoe, and swiveled it around at him. Become the best bootlicker in the world and maybe I'll give you a hint~ Hague stared at her foot and made a performative sigh.

"Guess the gig is up." Oh? Folding so easily? Almost a disappointment...

"You're right. I was putting on an act." One of her incandescent eyes narrowed.

"And I kept it up because I thought it might get you chatty enough to spill more information. Which it did, by the way. Now I know you have no direct control over what battles I fight." Psh. Don't act like you did anything. I would've told you that if you just asked—"Shut up." No!

"I'm talking now. I already know what great 'hint' you'd give me, if I did go and lick your foot. You'd tell me to look at the map objective, wouldn't you? It isn't 'defeat all enemies' like the last battle, it's 'defeat the boss.' And the boss is MacCoor, who's Knackless, so his stats are dogshit. I already know all that, which is why I was waiting to look at his stats last. Had to build up hype for chat before I reveal the trick: I can avoid fighting MacCoor's army if I kill him first." Well, well.

Congratulations, you're a natural Philidor. Looks like you found me out.

"But that's exactly why I know the map really is impossible bullshit." Oh?

"And not even because of Ignez's skill, which lets her protect MacCoor from one attack. I can work around that. The problem is that unless MacCoor is actually the biggest idiot of all time, there's no way I can actually reach him." Sophia glanced at her phone. Was she actually bored or just pretending to be because he was on the right track?

"The path to MacCoor is covered in debris from the wall. That terrain will slow down my movement, meaning I can't reach him on the first turn. And if MacCoor simply does the only logical move and retreats toward his army, he'll keep ahead of me and I won't be able to reach him on the second turn, either. Then his army shows up and fucks me. Maybe if this were a video game, he'd have AI programmed to make him stand still, but this isn't a video game. He'll act in a way that actually makes sense.

As long as he does that, it's literally impossible for me to kill him before I have to deal with his army. And since I have no way to deal with his army, that means the map's impossible." Okay, so? Figure out another way or die. What do I care?

"I'm saying there is no other way. That's your plan. Dangle the false hope of killing the boss just to fuck with me. But I won't fall for it." You already figured out I don't control the circumstances of your battles. If it's impossible, that's your fault. Sowwy~ Hague hadn't been saying all this for no reason.

"Give me a boon." What?

"The map's only impossible because I have no resources. Maybe you can't change the enemy configuration, but I know you can give me something. You already gave me magic glasses. All I ask is for something to make the map possible." Nope.

"Give me my money back." Her face scrunched. What would that accomplish?

"Tuatoru's skill turns money into power. Give me my own fucking money back and I'll find a way to make it work." And if Earth money can't be used that way?

"Sure it can. That's the real reason you stole it, right? So I wouldn't have an unfair advantage?" Well of course, it was your rule after all, you demanded a fair game— She stopped. She stared. Hague grinned. By taking his bait, she confirmed exactly what Hague had needed to know: real money could be used for Tuatoru's Exchange Rate skill. Now he didn't need a boon at all. Even without his savings, he still had a way to make money: The Don't Die Hague Fund, courtesy chat.

From just that little slip, he now had a plan. Oh, oh, oh!! She jolted upright, the first time he'd seen her stand, her arms rigid at her sides, her hair and her dress all sparkles and shine but her body solid as slate. You think you're sooooo smart, don't you? Another arrogant jerk, just like them all! Hah! And here I almost started to pity you. Maybe with a little kindness and humility I really would have given you a boon! Not anymore!

"Yeah fucking right, you were never gonna give me shit." Well you'll never know, will you? You'll DIE not knowing, hee~hee~ Maybe as you breathe your last you'll regret how grossly you've treated me here, but guess what! It'll be too~late~!

"I'm not gonna die. From what you've told me already, I know how to beat this map." No you don't! No you don't! You don't know ANYTHING! Arrogant, ignorant little human! Just so you know, this map is in fact perfectly possible, even with the sorry little army you have now, but you have no idea how and you're just trying to bluff me again. You're sitting in your cave, seeing the shadows, thinking you know the truth! Well! Mister! I know what the true form is, and it has nothing to do with money. That's right!

There's something I know about this map and you don't! You'll see it soon enough, but when you do, it'll be too late. Everything you need to win is within your knowledge, but because you're a closeminded FOOL you'll never figure it out. And when you miss your chance, I'll laugh at you! Like this: HEE~HEE~HEE~HEE~HEE! Now goodbye, I'm sick of talking to you! Just like that, without ceremony, he got kicked back out to the map.

Sophia vanished, and instead the full-sized body of Piru-Piru Labupon stood frozen in front of him. In Hague's glasses, chat resumed, completely unaware of his conversation with Sophia. DanTheReaper: So where is she? estellaris: let's see the goddess... IronMarcus: BROKE GODDESS JAGGGER: (¥¥$$$)¢_¢($$$¥¥) Kmarticuno3: Is theft a war crime"Bad news," said Hague.

"Seems our goddess isn't just broke, she's a wimp too. She's terrified of you roasting her, chat. Refuses to face Hague's war crimes tribunal." Honestly, Hague was glad she turned off chat. Though he crashed out for effect the first time, when she told him how she spent his money, he'd really lost it. It'd be a bad look, letting chat see past the mask. Now, as for the map. He wasn't out of the woods yet. Sophia was right; by the end, he'd mostly been bluffing about knowing how to win.

He had the start of a plan, but not the full thing. Tuatoru's Exchange Rate skill was a tool he could work with, and he also had another little something literally in his back pocket that he hadn't mentioned to Sophia (or chat) yet. But neither changed the fundamental issue: unless MacCoor did the stupidest thing possible and stood perfectly still, Hague couldn't catch up to him fast enough. Everything you need to win is within your knowledge. That was the best he got her to say.

It implied he was missing something. But what? Or was he fundamentally wrong about how he was thinking about the map? He turned away from Piru-Piru and toward MacCoor. Maybe something in this generic NPC looking ass loser's stat sheet was the key. Hague walked across frozen blades of grass perpetually bent in a motionless breeze. MacCoor stood next to his bodyguard in the middle of a field, wearing the same smug face as when he gave his speech, a face that reminded Hague of Sophia. Douchebag.

Most unwarlike man my ass. Grumbling under his breath, Hague reached out to tap him, but his fingers froze a few inches away. MacCoor was looking right at him. His head hadn't been turned that way before, had it?

"Hello there, Hero," MacCoor said.

"Let's converse."