Chương 35: Clown Car

The laughter grew louder and louder, until it was broken by the squeal of what sounded like a megaphone." FOOLISH MORTALS OF CHARLOTTESVILLE! YOUR DEPENDENCE ON OBSOLETE, MEGACORPORATE TECHNOLOGICAL PANOPTICONS LIKE YGGTECH WILL BE YOUR DOWNFALL! FOR ALL WHO FALL TO SLAVE TO INFERIOR TECHNOLOGY WILL BE OBLITERATED BY ME, TECHNOFIEND!" This was followed by more laughter, now garbled over the megaphone's tune. As the sound came closer, I could see what those massive wings were attached to.

He looked like what would happen if someone took the typical cartoonish depiction of the Devil and made a sculpture of it by smashing computers together. A bright red pair of eyes were the most apparent. In the van he was carrying, it looked like... a clown?" NOW LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO MY MOST LOYAL ALLY! CLO OOOO OWNC AAA AAR!" With that yell, the machine hurled the car through the air. Robot bastard's strong and can fly. Two powers to keep note of. The clown forced open a car door before clambering out.

And clambering out. And clambering out. And clambering out. And clambering out. And clambering out. And clambering out. One man became dozens, all of them spreading their arms out as their ridiculously flappy-looking clown outfits let them descend gracefully through the sky. Unlike that car, which was hurtling towards a dispersing crowd. The others were in shock, I could hear their gasps behind me. Inaction was fighting to win out against me, until I saw the crowd didn't completely disperse.

One person had stumbled over, looked like they twisted an ankle maybe. He wasn't gonna make it in time. My mask wasn't on. I felt it in my hand, talking to my mind. Put me on. Be a hero, Hercules. Something in me knew I'd regret this, but I just yanked the strap over my face and forced the mask on. That was step one. The next matter was getting there in time. I was fast, but this wasn't flat ground. I had to get from the stage to the press area in the seconds I had. Wait.

I can push people hard enough they just go flying. Why not just push myself? I'm so fucking stupid for never thinking of that before. I planted a foot on the edge of the stage, bending my leg before letting it launch me like a speeding bullet towards the fallen man. Landing on my feet by sheer luck, my feet dug into the soil and that familiar buzzing came back to my legs. Just the sheer shock of landing that fast. No different than falling off a building, apparently.

The van's undercarriage was maybe a dozen feet away. I had to brace. I took that bladed stance, bringing both hands up. Some excitement and a realized undermeasurement compelled me to step forward, one leg half raised up just so I had that little extra reach. The van slammed into my palms, though it couldn't budge me. Chest voice time.

"Run!" I barked out. I could hear the kicking of dirt and grass as he scrambled behind me. I counted to three. Enough time for instinct to kick in. Bringing my foot down, I lowered the van and turned, until a full rotation brought me back towards that flying fuck. The van left my grip, flying directly towards the winged machine. Bullsey- FWWSH In a flash of light, the van was reduced to bright yellow smoulders that blew off in the wind." YOU THOUGHT TECHNOFIEND COULD ONLY FLY AND THROW VANS? FOOLISH MORTAL!"

I could barely hear him over the laughter as all of those clowns descended. But what I couldn't miss was the next bright yellow beam of light flying at me. There was no way to move faster than it. I just tried to bring my hands up in time, but even that I could feel was too la- VWAM Blasts of bright white. I recognized the shape. May. Making a very tactically poor decision of looking behind me, I could see the others had descended.

The clowns landing were immediately rushing everywhere they could, towards civilians, the stage, even the trailers in the back. They were just trying to cause chaos. The crazier thing was how they were all armed. Giant red hammers, whips, three-foot-long candy canes, I had no idea where they got it all from. Chris was about to enter a scramble with a bunch. Wasn't sure if he could even land a blow with that many guys. His problem, not mine. I couldn't see Jairo. Maybe elsewhere."

FOCUS ON THE THREAT IN FRONT OF YOU, HUMAN!" broke my attention back towards the winged mix of man and machine. He was zooming down towards me, both arms raised up. Well, fine by me. Get right in range. He brought both arms down on me, I just let them crash on my shoulders. Didn't even feel it. Then a sudden, sharp sensation. Looking down, I saw a metal spike jabbing into me. But I didn't feel skin break. The suit had it tangled up. What the Hell was I wearing?"

NICE SUIT, BUT IF I JUST KEEP PUSHING, SOMETHING WILL BREAK EVENTUALLY!" The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

"Like your face?" Terrible retort. I grabbed the spike, squeezing it like a paper cup in my hand. No pain response from him. Made sense, no nerves in metal. Needed to figure out how not to kill him, if I couldn't use pain, then disabling would have to do. I swung my other hand up, cleaving it through the metallic arm on my left shoulder. Bare wires, plating, nothing fleshy. Just like I hoped. I could mangle this son of a- More wires. More metal. It was all growing back together. Fuck me running, another healer.

And a fast one. That reaction was too long for me, as this thing that called itself "technofiend" started trying to punch me. It didn't hurt, but I couldn't exactly see through his fist. I swiped his other arm off for temporary relief, before jamming my fingers into his chest. As I began to pry, I noticed an arm suddenly in my view. Orange and blue. It collided with the demonic machine's head and sent him sprawling away from me, loose scrap everywhere. Jairo.

He was dragging away the villain into a more open area, even though he was contained while fighting me.

"I had him!" I yelled out with far more frustration than I should have felt. I wanted to fight something and he was taking it from me.

"Can't see clowns!" He yelled out, sounding even worse than he usually did. Like a swarm of bees trying to buzz out the words.

"What!?"

"Can't see clowns! Can see him! Fight clowns please!" He continued to strain out, slamming his fists onto the machine repeatedly as it pushed up against each blow. Why couldn't he see the clowns? Turning back towards the multicolored chaos, the clowns were genuinely everywhere. I spotted Chris first among the teammates fighting them. He was like a whirlwind, they just couldn't keep a blow on them, and he was working them around constantly.

For the first time ever, I'd seen him do something directly offensive instead of just throwing someone, however, as he stuck out a leg. As his shin collided with the clown's head, the clown burst into... colorful paper. Glitter and confetti? What the Hell? That must be why Jairo couldn't see them. They're not alive. And if they're not alive, I could do whatever I wanted to them. I tried that jumping trick again, half-stumbling my way off the ground.

Dirt was too soft to put it all into, couldn't keep my grip as easily. The ridiculous stage show gag I was going to do involved carrying my props on stage. That meant they were right out and available for the grabbing. The first one I got my hands on was that safe. I dug my fingers into it to get a good handhold, as a group of the clowns started rushing me. From my position, I could kill two birds with one stone.

Snapping my arm forward, I hurled the safe through the crowd of assailants, producing this massive cloud of glitter and confetti and all sorts of arts-and-crafts bullshit as they took the impact. The lack of resistance meant that safe could keep flying through the air as well, and ended up careening directly into that robot bastard's head, who had stood up at this point to go blow-for-blow with Jairo. He could thank me for the free opening later. Next was the anvil, which I whirled and swung at more of the clowns.

At this point all the crap in the air was making it hard to see. Sound, unfortunately, was also useless. They never tell you how these kinds of things sound. There's nothing exciting about it. It's loose yelling, the kicking of dirt, whaps of flesh on flesh. In this case, there's some added noise from the clowns who never stopped laughing and the machine that never shut the Hell up. The air was otherwise very static and empty.

One could almost imagine the sound of a pin falling, even in the soft grass, being audible here. That meant actually trying to follow any noise was torture. As the glitter and visual noise started to clear up from the remaining crowd rushing me, I stumbled back towards that beat up car, jamming my fingers into the hood and whipping it in a wide arc. This was the blow that should clear them. More glitter, confetti, colors. But then I saw it.

One of them stuck one of those big red hammers out, shattering the window of the car. Following that motion, he dove in. Clambering through like a mouse through a hole, he kicked the door open and came out. And came out. And came out. And came out. And came out. And came out. And came out. And came out. And came out. This son of a bitch duplicated himself by coming out of cars. That's why he was called that. My first real day on the job and I hated it already.

But that also meant a real one was in the newly-formed group, which was easily more than a hundred. If I swung the wrong way, he'd die. Not allowed to escalate. But how do I deal with a mixed crowd I can only hit some of? The answer came to me before I even asked, as Chris and May descended upon the crowd with me. May was blasting through entire swathes of them. Chris was breaking them with blow after blow. It was nice and all, but it wasn't doing what we needed. I remembered what Jairo said.

"Ja-" Can't use that name.

"Tayoo can't see the clowns!" Couldn't get the pronunciation right.

"What!?" Asked May.

"His vision, doesn't work on the clowns! Maybe for the real one!?" She flicked her hands up, a flash of light causing multiple clowns to stumble away but not burst into confetti, as she looked at me, piecing my words together. She then nodded.

"I get it!" That was nice to hear but I hoped she'd immediately get started on looking. Probably was going to need time to find it. We needed to buy her time. Needed a way to clear the group that wouldn't kill the real one. I thought about that soft dirt again. Even something soft at a high enough speed would hurt like Hell. Yeah, that'd work.

I slammed the toe of my boot into a small portion of dirt, breaking it loose, before jamming the side of my foot in and basically punting a wide spread of dirt into the crowd. FOOM More confetti and glitter and circus nonsense than we could account for. Maybe May needed some more guidance.

"He had a hammer!" I yelled. Chris overheard, catching two of the hammer-wielding ones by the hammers, repeatedly dodging their panicked punches and kicks. Why didn't they just let go of the hammers? Wait. That was it.

"Which one!?"

"Neither! No heat!" May called. The redhead slammed the two together into a big crowd. We'd easily taken these numbers down to about a third total, but still too many. The car. If he could duplicate by going through a car, did it have to be through the door? What if it was the undercarriage? He might not be able to duplicate then. Huge gamble, but I needed to try. Scrambling over to the car, I grabbed the hood of it and started yanking. I kept pulling, until it was pried off.

Next was the frame of the car itself now that I had a clear handhold for it. I effectively peeled the car in half. If it was a car, it probably didn't count anymore. Lifting the car by the seats, I turned it so the bottom faced ahead, and immediately began rushing for the crowd. If I was right, the copies seemed to be just dead set on fighting. They weren't thinking for themselves. Just trying to hit and break things. The real one likely still had a sense of self-preservation. He'd get out of the way.

Just had to commit to it and try. I couldn't see in front of me. This was entirely going off of spatial awareness. The others had to keep an eye out for me.

"Watch the sides!" I bellowed out, hoping they got my idea immediately. The confetti started flying. Over the car, out of the sides, under it. Nothing. He was there in the crowd, that's how he was able to hop into the car in the first place. Then I saw it. Under me. One of the clowns lying down. Eyes bugged out of his head. I halted immediately, dropping the car and snapping a hand towards his shirt. I wasn't worried about a reprimand for cracking his sternum.

PUFF Mother fucker- With the car falling, I could see the crowd was cleared. There were a few stray clowns, but all of them were too far for any of them to be him. To my amusement, at least, I saw one lady swinging her purse at one, and the impact made him burst into confetti. Good. But that quick moment of absence let my brain kick back in. Why were they even doing this? Why waste their time on attacking us? They could've robbed a bank or something while we were busy and distracted.

Did they just want to cause chaos? Was this an ADU scheme? This was interrupted by a horrific noise. That swarm of bees screaming in pain. I snapped my head to the sound, where I saw that metal devil, with its arm lodged through Jairo's torso.