Chương 12: Book 1; Chapter 11; Seat of kings (1)

Anniet quickly handed the stick to Rainee, thanking inwardly that despite her promises, she didn't have time to beg and nag. She will have to remember never to do it in Rainee's presence. Rainee stood there waiting for an answer, and Anniet couldn't come up with any.

"Is attacking bad?" She finally asked.

"If it is, what else can I do with a sword?"

"A very good question," Rainee approved, liberating Anniet from her fears of asking a silly question.

"No, attacking is not bad. As long as it is not reckless and you know what you are doing. An attack is good if you are in a hurry and want to finish the fight quickly, and you are stronger than your opponent. In any other case, going straight to attack might be a bit suicidal. An attacking person is usually an angry person. Aggressiveness doesn't come from love. An angry person usually makes mistakes.

On the other hand, a person on defence is usually in fear, anyone in fear is meant to lose before the battle even starts."

"Then what should I do?" Anniet found it difficult to understand if neither attack nor defence was good.

"Curiosity is the key, especially in friendly combat, but on any other occasion too."

"What should I be curious about?"

"Everything. About your opponent, about yourself, about your surroundings, about others who are close by. Curiosity is equal to paying attention. An attentive fighter is a winning fighter. Curious person wants to see more, wants to know more. The more you see in a fight, the more success will open for you. The more you want to know in a fight, the easier the fight will become to you.

If you take a little time and pay attention to your opponent's moods, to your opponent's moves, to his goal, to his strength, and to his weakness, you will be able not just to win a battle but also to learn from it. Maybe your opponent is using moves you don't know – from the moment you observe them, you will know them, and it might become yours if you wish. Maybe your opponent is angry with you? It is good to find out why. Anything you notice about your opponent will be to your benefit.

Anything you notice about yourself will be to your advantage. Anything you notice about the surroundings will be a huge benefit to you. And if you can see other people around, it will benefit you too no matter whether you want to protect them or defend yourself from them."

"So I just stand and watch? Wouldn't I lose straight away?"

"Surely you would." Rainee agreed.

"So don't simply stand and watch. Learn some moves that could be called defensive, but I would call them observing. Learn it so well that when using them, you don't have to pay any attention to them, just as you don't have to pay any attention to the blink of your eye; it blinks when it needs to and closes when something is approaching it without your needing to think about it.

Then you will not be standing defenceless in the middle of the battle, and you will not need to waste any energy thinking while using them."

"Can you teach me a few of these moves?" Anniet asked happily.

"Let's do it then," Rainee agreed. She swung her stick, it spun rapidly and disappeared out of sight. Anniet thought, "Where did it go?" just to notice it at Rainee's side under her belt. She didn't have time to wonder any more as Rainee was already behind her, helping to assemble her body in the correct position, explaining what moves should be made, when and how. When satisfied, Rainee stood in front of her and pulled out her stick, and so a little battle began.

After some time, Rainee called a pause to address the biggest issues she had seen.

"You are very angry. Very angry with yourself for not being able to do well enough. Very judgmental. Please understand the irony of it. You cannot do more than you can, that's why you are learning to do more. If you already knew well, I would not be teaching you, as you would not need it. Even if you were a teacher, to be so angry for not being able to do something you are not able to do would still make no sense. But now you are a pupil. You can legitimately not to know. Stolen story; please report.

There is nothing even to forgive yourself for, even if you try." Anniet was listening to what was said with eyes full of tears. Not because Rainee's words were harsh, but because she really was angry with herself for repeatedly making the same mistakes over and over again. Rainee's words didn't make her feel any better. It would be much easier if Rainee called her stupid or at least silly, then they both would be on the same page. Instead, Rainee continued.

"Self-love is the most important ingredient in a good warrior. If you love yourself, your sword will love you. Remember, your sword is your friend. It will agree with you. When you love yourself, it will love you and protect you. If you hate yourself, it might start hating you too just to please you. In any case, it will definitely be in hatred with everyone else. Remember, everything you feel about yourself will be passed to your sword and reverted to your opponent.

Think that way – if you hate yourself, then you are fighting me with hatred, as that is what you are sending my way. If you are angry with yourself, your anger comes at me through your sword. If you are curious and interested in what you learn and what you do, this curiosity and interest are coming my way. While hatred and anger make me want to stop the lesson, curiosity and interest make me want to teach you more. And no, you cannot hide what you feel, as it is just worse, you can only change it.

And also, my way comes how you feel about yourself, not about me. You don't need to impress me – I am teaching you not to be impressed by what you can do or how quickly you can learn. I am teaching you because you don't know and want to learn. For someone who doesn't know, it is normal not to know. Let's continue. With a little bit less anger and disappointment. The point of this training is not to impress me or prove to me that you can. It is for you to learn as much as you can learn – no less and no more."

Now Anniet had a double task on her mind: to learn all that Rainee was teaching her and not to be angry with herself for making mistakes. No need to impress Rainee… How would this be even possible? She couldn't remember and do well that little bit that was shown. Rainee had to correct the same mistakes she was making over and over again. If she can impress with anything, then it would be how stubbornly her body kept refusing to do things the way she wanted. Why did Rainee even say that?

Why would she want to impress her? All she wants is to do well. Oh god! She wants so much to do well, but nothing is happening! She does! She does want to impress her so badly! … She tried to show Rainee that she can do very well. That she can learn very well. But instead, Rainee was the one who impressed her. This woman must be a saint! By now, everyone Anniet knew from before, would be screaming and shouting in anger as they would firmly believe she was doing it on purpose.

The more she tried, the worse things got. But Rainee didn't show any signs of annoyance or irritation. She was correcting the same mistakes over and over again as if it was done for the first time – ten times, fifteen, twenty, thirty, count lost…

"OK", Anniet thought to herself, "first part of her task failed, she cannot do anything well…." Then she decided to put all of her attention into the second task. Don't be angry and disappointed with yourself. Rainee said all that she was feeling about herself was coming at her. If Anniet feels angry about herself, then this anger is directed at Rainee. How complicated! And why only now did she decide to pay attention to this part of her task despite Rainee directly asking her to concentrate on it?

She asked for more self-love. Of course she did. Probably it is much nicer when love is coming your way, not just anger and rage. She was so disappointed with herself! If all this time, this disappointment was all that she was sending Rainee's way, then it is truly surprising that she still teaches her! She does so well, and all that she receives for it is disappointment. No!

She wants Rainee to receive love and appreciation, she wants her to feel how much she is admired and that she has never met anyone as wonderful as Rainee is. Gosh, it is difficult! It is easy to feel it towards Rainee, but she specifically said that through her sword, she is receiving not what Anniet feels about her, but what she feels about herself… To admire herself for being so clumsy was not an option.

So Anniet concentrated on loving herself, no matter how stupidly she acts, and on appreciating herself for whatever she does. Why not? Things could get much worse. At least she was trying and not giving up… By now, she could easily tell what Rainee would correct and how she would do it. Shoulder, wrist, twist, straighten, shoulder, stick straighter… If she knows it, then why can't she do it correctly?

Well, never mind, at least she is capable of fixing it before Rainee does it, and she loves herself for that, and she appreciates that little progress, up to the moon. Now her body was straightening up and putting itself in the correct order at a single movement from Rainee, or even before that. Why not even admire oneself for it? Rainee definitely deserves some admiration for being so awesome. And her own body too.

It was by now so tired that this light stick felt like a massive axe, but her body obediently lifted it up every time she wanted and struck every time she asked. Well done.

"Well done!" Rainee praised, lowering her stick.

"Or I should say beautifully done. I am happy with the result." Anniet was about to say "at least one of us is," but by now she was so much in self-love and self-respect mode that she couldn't address herself with such a phrase and instead said:"I am happy too." Strangely, she not only said it but also felt happy about herself. At least until in the back of her mind she heard her mum's voice saying that there is nothing to be happy about the way she performed.

But even then, she ignored that voice for a considerably long time and was just standing here, panting heavily, with a big smile on her face and joy in her eyes.

"I think we both deserve a little rest," said Rainee, lightly throwing her stick across her shoulder.

"Let's go, there is just a perfect spot for it." She pointed at the towering rock on the right-hand side and waited until Anniet, who again had difficulty parting with the training stick, would join her. At the base of this stone wall, a little stream of water was finding its way through the cracks, making it perfect for a refreshing drink. Then Rainee led the way towards the edge of the cliff.

Just now Anniet realised that the day was coming to an end, and the sun was not that far from setting down, casting its orange light over the town below and the fields behind it. Rainee didn't stop there but took a little pathway carved right on the side of the rock looming over this open abyss. That's where Anniet stopped. She didn't dare to go any further. This pathway hardly deserved a pathway's name as it was an extremely narrow ledge sticking from the vertical rock and looming over open space.

And there was nothing to hold onto, nor anything that would prevent one from falling at any wrong movement. Maybe not even a wrong movement was needed, as even looking at Rainee walking it, the force of gravity was questionable. As if sensing her hesitation, Rainee stopped and turned around, giving Anniet a proper fright of what would happen if she would lose her balance.

"Don't be afraid," Rainee said.

"This place is somehow special. The possibility of falling here is non-existent. I wouldn't take you anywhere where it is not safe. Trust me on that." After saying it, she turned away and disappeared behind a curve of the stone. Anniet was like a little puppy who was too frightened to follow but also didn't want to be left behind. She did feel like running up and down in anxiety. The moment Rainee disappeared behind the rock was as if something precious had vanished out of her reach.

Was her life really so dear to stay behind in safety? Yes, it was! She didn't want to die! Life in the past few days was becoming extremely interesting, and just now she realised how much she valued it. But the person who made it so interesting just invited her to walk this treacherous path and disappeared out of her sight, and she couldn't bear it!