Chương 11: Bad Thoughts

The ceiling is beautiful Beautiful wood, I counted the amount of marks on it two thousand times. And I don't tire from watching it even more. I love watching the ceiling. Like any normal child. Don't you love staring at the ceiling too? Because I love it, everyone loves staring at the ceiling. It's fine. It's good, and it's the perfect training I needed. I think. Do you understand what I mean by that? I don't think you do. So let me explain you more about my training. You know about the meditation?

Well I've been running into some problems with it those last few days. Something about the twitching stage, I managed to stand and stay still for a while. Which is great progress. But... there's something weird. Whenever I stand, my body moves in weird ways. And when I try to restrain those weird movements, I shake. As if I went straight into the shaking stage. At first I thought it was a problem related to my weak strength But after some days of experimentation, I figured out something.

It's not because of strength. It's because I'm escaping the pain. It's annoying really, but I'm pretty sure my body is finding out the best ways to avoid the pain. Just like I instinctively started wriggling around when I was born and couldn't crawl, or just like I do my snow angels when laying on my back. My body is trying to avoid the pain. And the best way to avoid the pain is to move.

And I've been learning how to move, how to crawl, how to sit, how to twist my arm, how to turn my spine, I've been feeding my body a lot of experience, a lot of different movement patterns it can use to move. And now it's moving. A lot. Even when I just try to stand. And when I try to restrain the movements, my body finds another way to move. It shakes. So I move a lot. And when I force myself to be still, my entire body shakes slightly.

I never really noticed that I was shaking, I was only focused on the weird movements, on trying to remove them. But now? Now I see the shaking. Why? Because my parents noticed it.

"Ar-$ m& dear?" My mother is above me. Over the crib, looking at me with a frown while I stare at the ceiling, she's scared about something, worried, just like she was at my birth, just like they were at my birth. When they brought that useless doctor. And I understand why she's worried. I've been laying still, just staring at the ceiling while trying to restrain my movements for twenty minutes straight. The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

Which, in turn, from outside made it look as if l was shaking and staring at the ceiling for twenty minutes straight. I don't know when she arrived. She could have arrived two minutes ago and see her child, her only baby staring at the ceiling for two minutes straight, while shaking like an old handicapped man unable to even move their hands. Thankfully though. I think she just came a second ago. She wouldn't have just stared at her child being like that without reacting for two minutes straight would she?

I don't believe she would.. usually she grabs me and tries to soothe me whenever I show any weird behavior. Unless this behavior is crawling around. She leans above me. Her face taking an even more worried tone, blond hair and brown eyes. I wonder if I have brown or blue eyes. But that's probably something I should wonder about, and worry about, later, because someone else is worrying. And they're worrying a lot.

Like a damn lot, one of her hand comes on my shoulder, which, considering how small I am, is practically half my torso. And she shakes me around. Slightly, delicately, making sure she doesn't hurt me. But I can see it, she's practically in my crib now, pushing her torso inside. Why? Did you forgot already? I've been staring at the ceiling for twenty minutes straight while shaking. Not like she knows it's been twenty minutes.

She probably just saw me on my back, staying still, silent, and shaking slightly while looking at the ceiling.

"Bab&?" Which is extremely worrying for a mom. Understandable really. I look at her. While her other hand comes down to grab me. I should probably reassure her. Say something, do some kind of normal baby thing. Yeah. That sounds like a plan. I really should do something right now. That's something smart. A good idea. I should do it right now. Why aren't I'm doing anything? I stay there for two good seconds as her entire hand envlop my bac-!

"Mama!" She freezes. For two good seconds she freezes before smiling again, her hands still work on picking me up and soon enough I find myself flying up in her arms, I stop restraining my movements and let my body do this weird stuff, the weird movements I've been trying to remove. The small movements. The small movements I haven't noticed before. I thought my wriggling around and snow angels was all there was to it, but no.

Like a wave, my entire body moves like a wave, or like a bonefire, moving around, chaotically, reducing pain in the worst of areas with a small twitch or movement before I can even feel it. I never really noticed before. The movements I mean, I REALLY believed I was only doing the worm wriggling and snow angels before. I don't know for how long I've been doing this, if I was doing this at birth or not. I have no idea. I DON'T feel them, I can barely see the small movements whenever I stare HARD at my body.

Do you know how I noticed their existence? Because of Kiko, one day, when I was with her. She started dancing. I didn't get it. She looked weird, but she was dancing, moving like a wave, pulling and pushing her spine around. I didn't get it, until I noticed that she was only doing that when staring at ME, and when she said "I'm like nebe!" to her mother, and my parents laughed laughed just after? I had some questions. I looked at myself. Really hard. And then I noticed. I noticed.

And now I've been trying to remove this, for twenty minutes straight. And just like you saw, it's hard. My mother brings me closer, evlopping me in a big hug.

"Yes, yes, I& yo&- mama" she stays there for a while, and I let the waves run through my body. She doesn't seems worried about the wave. She was about the shaking though. What's the difference? No idea. Maybe she's just used to the waves? I don't really resist as she starts pulling on my arm, lifting it up and inspecting it, as she does all of that. She keeps saying words, most I don't understand. But the tone sounds reassuring. She's the one that needs reassuring though, not the opposite. I let her inspect me.

She looks at the back of my head, searching for an injury that doesn't exist, she looks at my neck too. And even remove my baby shirt to look at my body, turning me around and inspecting any inch of my body for a potential injury. She won't find anything.

"Yo- hav- bo&-?" I don't get what she said, but it looks like she's talking to me. Asking me a question Which I believe is weird considering that I'm six months old, can babies say mama at six months old? Because I just did. And they still don't know I can walk. She doesn't ask me another question, when she's satisfied with her examination she hugs me close. Real close, and walks out of the bedroom and into the living room. Giving me extra attention. And me?

I don't do much, apart from restraining my pain, I don't have much to do for now. Let's just let her calm down before I experiment again. Ah, I would love some privacy to experiment. As she walks around, reassuring herself by talking to me even if I don't understand her. I lift one hand up and look at my finger, still no bite. No proof that it ever happened. I lick my growing tooth, painless. I... I would really love some privacy for my... experiments. She puts me down and gets back to work.

Which seems to be some kind of sewing. She sits just beside me on the couch though, boxing me in with her body, more aware of me and my movements that whatever she's working on. Which is truly respectable. But as I crawl around the couch, staying close. I just wish for privacy even more. Everything is normal isn't it? I just need to wait a while and grow up for the pain to dissapear.... I'm sure I can feel normal pain. That would prove it, that everything is fine, that I'm just being paranoid.

I'm sure I can feel pain. I just need to experiment a bit.... and have a bit of privacy.