Chương 138: Chapter 134

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Oh, how I wish I were, Mr. Wade! I genuinely, from the bottom of my withered black heart, wish I were." Zin weaseled around Wade, one hand grabbing his shoulders, bringing him closer.

"But hey! What's a little sleep deprivation between pals? Beauty sleep's overrated anyway, right? I mean who really needs it, right? Not me! I'm not bitter. Do I look bitter? This is just my face now." The Satyr hadn't brought a sword with him, at Wade's insistence, but his hands still floated close to where the hilt should have been. Because Zin was clearly speaking in Demonic. And Bael couldn't sense emotions coming from the man, which only double confirmed his immediate gut feeling.

Fortunately for everyone here, Demonic sounded like a bastardized mix of French, German and Russian all put together. So Amar would probably scratch it up to some more european tourists here.

"Whoa-whoa-whoa." Zin raised both hands just slightly past his chest, trying to keep it out of sight of the poor gas station worker, letting go of Wade in the process.

"Easy there, goat-boy, we'll get into it later, outside. Politely. Right now, I'm here on official business. Totally legitimate. Completely above board."

"And you are?"

"I am, as of approximately…" He pulled his sleeve down with a flick of a wrist, and checked a clearly expensive watch, "Twenty seven minutes ago, Mr. Wade's personal assistant. His valet. His unwilling companion for the next twenty something hours."

"Charming." Bael growled out. Wade's voice cracked on the other end.

"Twenty hours?"

"Oh, did I say twenty?" Zin lifted a finger to clean one ear out.

"My mistake. I mean however long it takes until you turn privacy mode off, so might as well be weeks at this point, not that time means anything to the divine troglodyte in my basement." Zin's smile was all teeth.

"So please, by all means, take your time. Can't imagine anything else I'd rather be doing than being right here with you, bestie." Bael gave a quick look to Wade, body still ready for a potential fight.

"Is this the demon you've mentioned living on Earth?"

"Unfortunately." Wade confirmed.

"He seems… stressed."

"Stressed?" Zin laughed, high and manic.

"Stressed!? No, no, stressed is when I hear words like ' Margin Call'and' Oh, oh, oh! Buy me thiiiiis.'" He took a few quick breaths, then wiped a gloved hand over his face, all the way down. When he was done, he looked back in control.

"I'm good, I'm good, all calm here, just a brief moment of homicidal ideation, happens to everyone, I'm cool. Nobody call a priest." Wade glanced between Zin's manic grin and Bael's defensive posture.

"All right, what do you want? I don't think you'd have walked in here directly if Play had just sent you to keep watch over me."

"As it so happens, she very specifically, very explicitly, very enthusiastically ordered me to join your merry little band of misfits and keep watch, so no can do kiddo. Pick someone else to be your long distance stalker today. But! You are right that I do want something. A quick private word if you don't mind. Away from certain eavesdroppers. No offense to the peanut gallery."

"Absolutely not." Bael stepped forward, positioning himself between Wade and Zin.

"You're not taking him anywhere alone."

"Oh, come on -""No." Bael's voice dropped slightly.

"Whatever business you have, conduct it here or not at all." The demon's jaw worked side to side, grinding slightly sharp teeth. His gloved fingers drummed against his thigh in rapid succession. Finally he exhaled through his nose.

"Fine. The skeleton can come along to keep watch over your mortal. He and I go have our little pow-wow in the back alley like any professional drug dealer would. You keep the other Fiend there under control. We good? You trust that guy at least, right?" Zin's thumb jabbed over to Eri, who was currently up to no good in the hat aile. The skeleton turned his head to them, the mask keeping all expression hidden, but Wade could sense the ' Who, me? Nonsense, I'm not planning to steal anything. Trust me.'

emanating from the troublemaker. Wade gave him one very pointed finger, then looked to Leon for quick help. And found him at the checkout attempting to explain a recently purchased Snickers bar to Medy. She'd torn the wrapper open and was currently pressing her nose directly against the chocolate, inhaling deeply enough that Wade worried she might pass out. Even Amar's suspension of disbelief was getting strained here.

"Leon's got her… occupied," Wade said, watching the disaster.

"Eri can come with us, shouldn't be a problem." Might even be better to yank that racoon out of here before he started getting ideas of what else he could put on his head. The skeleton clicked his jaws in the distance, upset.

"Not good enough." Bael narrowed his eyes, dead serious.

"This one's dangerous, I can feel it."

"Any other day I'd be flattered to hear that." Zin rolled his eyes.

"Swear you shall cause the mortal no harm." That seemed to strike a physical blow on the Archdemon. He flinched in place, physically recoiling from the words.

"You reall- you'll go that far for this twerp of a- argh, fine, fine!" He swallowed, then took a breath as if he were about to stick his hands into a wasp nest.

"I swear I'm not here to hurt the mortal, I'll just imagine strangling him and that'll keep me satisfied." He took a breath and started frantically scratching his neck.

"Argh- There, happy?!" Bael gave an affirmative grunt, then took a step back. Zin planted a hand on Wade's shoulders.

"Great, awesome, perfect. Come on now champ, just standing here is giving me cold sweat." The glare turned up to the Satyr.

"No thanks to you."

"Don't care. I'll do worse if you give me a reason." Bael growled back.

"Come test me."

"Thanks, but nooooo thanks." Zin said, quickly retreating out the door as if the other Demon were a barking guard dog. Outside, the alley behind Wade's gas station generally smelled bad during the daylight hours, but in the colder night it was relatively inoffence. Zin's gloved fingers twitched in extreme agitation the entire time until the doors audibly clicked shut, and the two were finally alone and out of sight.

"Okay, okay, quick demon etiquette lesson since there's no possible way you could appreciate what goat-boy did earlier. That is considered a monumental insult in demon culture. It'd be like…" He stopped to think.

"All right, I got it, i got it - picture taking a bathroom break, right? Everything's hunky-dory, no funny colors or pain in the junk after last night to your happy relief, and then some guy shows up out of nowhere and DEMANDS you open the door mid-stream so he can sit there, maintain eye contact, and watch. Incredibly embarrassing for both parties. And far more for me, because I'm a goddamn Archdemon. This is like a pauper demanding a king to pull his pants down to measure the tool. See what I mean?"

Zin shuddered for a moment, then frantically scratched his neck with both hands.

"You don't just unilaterally demand a contract that's so fundamentally lopsided like that! Contracts aren't willy nilly everything-goes things!" Then he started walked around in a small circle, fuming, still scratching at his collar. It looked like he'd gotten his entire throat stuck in poison ivy.

"The unspoken rule - and I mean UNSPOKEN, which is the entire point here - is that these arrangements happen through subtext, implication, class. You don't verbally corner someone into contract like that in polite society!" If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

"You pulled me out here for a reason," Wade said, trying to get to the point.

"And while I'm here, Leon's in there with nobody as backup. What did you need to tell me directly?" Zin's eye twitched, and he tried to stop the pacing and scratching.

"Fine, fine, I'll get to the point here: How exactly am I supposed to introduce myself to the goat and the other hiding Archdemon without blowing my cover?

'Hi, I'm Butler, clearly not Zin'Cronox, an Archdemon of the third circle, a Grand Duke no less, definitely not wanted by every city in hell'? That sound like a good icebreaker to you?" Wade blinked.

"Ah, all right I see the problem."

"Yes, Mr. Wade, that tiny-itty-bitty problem." Zin hissed, back to pacing in tight circles.

"Do you have any idea what happens if word gets back to the wrong people that I'm hiding on Earth? I've got Enemies!!! Plural. With a capital 'E' and some exclamation marks. And I mean throw-them-in-everywhere-like-glitter amount of exclamation marks."

"Medy seems to have figured it out. Just call yourself by a portion of your name?" He stopped, stared and then started laughing.

"Oh boy, all right picture this - the only two Demons on Earth and they both mysteriously happen to have no identifying details. Please. I'm getting lynched the moment they figure out how to tie a rope."

"Can't you just... keep calling yourself Butler?" Zin slapped his forehead.

"Why didn't I think of that? Oh I know! It's because the whole 'my name is Butler' shtick works on mortals too stupid to know better! But another demon?! They'll know something's off the instant I open my mouth and don't mention my name. It only takes one demon - ONE - with half a brain cell to put two and two together, and suddenly I'm back to playing hide-and-don't-die. Except this time I'll get a brand new list of people who want my head on a pike with a pretty pink hairbow! Fresh enemies! Brand new grudges!

It's like a loyalty rewards program except the reward is torture and jail. And dismemberment. Believe me, nobody does capital punishment like immortal beings. We can get real creative. Cute hairbow is just the start of it." Wade crossed his arms.

"Wasn't that your original plan? Play said something about you running around tightening contracts and staying out of sight."

"Yes, EXACTLY. Stay low and out of sight. My plan was to keep the kind of distance that would need binoculars." Zin jabbed a finger toward the gas station.

"But no, the divine NEET decided I needed to be involved! Telling me 'oh it'll be fiiiiine, Zinny, just wing it.'" He continued walking in tiny circles, fuming.

"'trust the mortal', she said.

'HAVE SOME FUN,' she said!"

"With an emojii I'm guessing." Zin gave a deep resigned sigh, stopped moving and looked up, fingers pinching his nose.

"Yes Mr. Wade, with an emoji." Then his eyes slowly turned to him.

"All because you wanted privacy. And now she's making it MY problem."

"Sounds more like she's getting delayed revenge for overhearing your earlier murder plans. What were your words again?

'Play in a ditch.'""I said ' her divine pain-in-my-neck DEAD in some ditch.' Emphasis on DEAD. And speaking of failed murder attempts, you should have strangled harder." Zin straightened his tie, and Wade's blessing whispered it was a nervous tick. He was actually rattled from all this.

"I'm assuming she already knew I was plotting things behind her back and all this was just an amusing game for her, given she's more powerful than an old Pantheon God at this point. You, on the other hand, called her rotund. To the goddess that's stronger than an old Pantheon God, I'll repeat just so we're clear here."

"Kind of funny calling her that is a more serious offence than plotting to murder her."

"Welcome to divinties Mr. Wade! They're all excentrics, you never know what innocent offence is going to set them off." Zin gave a groan and stared back down at the ground, walking in circles again.

"I guess this is what I get for making deals with gods. This is karma. This is my life now."

"So what's your current plan? Play's clearly forcing your hand here with the Demons, and it may or may not be because of the backstabbing you were plotting earlier." Zin stopped pacing, shoulders sagging.

"Look, just- just tell the goat I'm your 'business associate from Earth' or something else that nails the 'please don't investigate further' angle. Hired contractor? Consultant? Consultant. People love consultants, nobody ever questions consultants. With any luck he'll be too distracted by the Xan eating candy wrappers or trying to brew a potion inside the gas station, and he'll forget to ask follow-up questions. Please tell me that'll work. I need that to work."

"That's your master plan?"

"That- Okay, champ, I'm hearing some slight skepticism in your tone and I gotta tell you, not loving it. What I need right now is blind optimism and maybe a little white lie about how foolproof this is. Can you give me that? Just a little 'sure Zin, sounds great'? Throw me a bone here." He stopped midway, and his eyes grew wide as if he'd seen the light.

"Wait-wait, I got it: How about you call up our mutual NEET, give her a big heartfelt 'so sorry I called you rotund, your divine magnificence', grovel a little - really sell it, tears if you can manage - and tell her she can have front row seats to your entire life, director's commentary included, and I go back to my nice, safe, DISTANT happy life building my legitimate criminal enterprise with magic and raw power like I was before all this." Something clicked in Wade's brain, thinking of Play.

How she'd first sent him to Zin. Already knowing how it would end. And in some strange way, it felt like she was doing the same thing right here.

'just wing it, trust the mortal. Have fun.' She'd sent that apparently to Zin. After ordering him to be directly in the line of fire. Where he'd almost certainly get his name exposed one way or another. Zin was convinced it was retaliation. What if it wasn't? Trust the mortal. As if she knew Wade had a high chance of figuring something out with a deadline and pressure. It had to be something Zin here couldn't even see, but Wade could.

And the only thing Zin couldn't even see, from of decades or even centuries of conditioning: "Why not just tell them who you are?" Zin stopped mid-rant.

"What."

"No, seriously consider it."

"I'm considering buying a bathing toaster is a smarter idea than whatever that was. You wanna try that one more time, maybe with less terrible?"

"Medy is also an Archdemon. That's two vs one already. And if Bael knows, who is he going to tell? I don't exactly see Earth crawling with Demons out here."

"Not yet. But you - and I mean YOU specifically - have this magical talent for turning 'not yet' into 'WHY.'" One gloved finger started jabbing at the gas station.

"And at the rate you're going, that cute cosplay convention cover story is going to be less story and actual demon convention here by next week." Well, it had been only three days and he'd already brought two demons in. Plus, now that he knew it could be done, he could probably ferry a lot more than two per day. Earth was a paradise apparently in comparison to Azdrial, but the Sahara desert would also be considered the same just because there were a lot less things that could kill someone.

"If I'm going to end up bringing more Demons and refugees from Azdrial, your secret is going to come out eventually. And Play knows this, that's why she's forcing us to figure it out now. You pointed it out yourself: It only takes one demon to put it together, it's going to happen. But right here, right now, you've got a chance to get ahead of it."

"Ahead of it?" He gave Wade a blank stare.

"Instead of thinking of an Earth where you're trying to hide being an Archdemon, think about an Earth where you can tell that to the people coming and it isn't a problem. And then let's figure out a way to make that happen." He could tell Zin was caught flat footed because the demon stayed completely quiet. No jokes, no strange analogies, no sleazy car salesman pitches. Wade leaned into it.

"Why not turn the PR around? Archdemons aren't all the same right? Different ones had different reputations, with Xan being the worst according to Medy. Why not turn your story around? Instead of you running to Earth, you came here looking to bring demons to a new home." Terrible people had managed to completely scrub their image on Earth with a good PR team behind them… and lots of money. But the real point was that could be done.

"Okay, quick history lesson since you clearly need context here of how monumentally difficult what you're suggesting is." The butler ran an unneeded hand through his hair to slick it back.

"In old Demon culture, we were big on the whole 'eat or be eaten' thing - literally, I'm not being metaphorical. I know Xan must have told you about this at some point, right?"

"The cannibalism."

"Yes, the cannibalism! The actual only way for our immortal souls to be permanently killed. Or used to be, now there's a fate literally worse than death out there, but I digress. The smaller demons formed families, old houses, power structures - safety in numbers from bigger demons like me. And eventually, the only other way for us to be safe of those families, was to join them, or better yet form them ahead of time. And so we get to Archdemons." He stopped pacing, then tapped his chest a few times, "Me.

My colleagues. We're the guys keeping everyone from eating everyone else through careful political maneuvering and the occasional show of overwhelming force. That made us the lynchpin of the demonic old world families. Which meant we had Contracts. Everyone covers everyone, things stay polite, society hums along nice and smooth. Real harmonious stuff. Like one of those cute arch bridges, where if all the stones are in the right place and order, it just works. Until one day - surprise!

- turns out there's something WORSE than getting eaten by your neighbor, and it's showing up in the hundred millions. This wasn't some back alley squabble that could be handled. Only a handful of archdemons held their word, and you can take a guess at how it ended for them. Spoiler alert, it involved a lot of very predictable teeth."

"So demon culture sees you as cowards, we can work on that image."

"Tiny bit more than just cowards Mr. Wade. Remember, it wasn't just any contract we broke - it was THE contract, the big one, the one holding the entire fabric of society together. That's the PR mountain I'll have to climb." He was breathing heavily at the end of all that, but deep down inside, Wade could see it. Hope. Wade crunched the numbers as quickly as he could. And then he had it.

"You broke the fabric of your old society, right? So fix it.

""What?" Zin looked confused.

"I'd imagine any Demon would probably forgive a LOT to get over here and already have a safe home, food security, an entire society to join in. Only you have the current money and resources to even make the attempt here. At creating a new House. At setting up the foundations of an underground city."