Chương 8: Not a Kiddo

"Hey, Vita. You okay?" Rowan's face peeks over me as I stare up at the ceiling. I nod slowly, not wanting to talk about how awful I really feel.

"Well you look like shit, Vita," Rowan says, apparently unfooled.

"Did you sleep at all?" I shake my head no. How could I? No matter how exhausted I was, the panic kept my eyes open. What if it returned…? Rowan sighs.

"Okay. You need to stay in bed, kiddo. Get some rest. You didn't sleep through Cragscar either, right? How long have you been up now? Over thirty hours, at least. That's not good for you." I do want sleep. I'm exhausted beyond belief. Yet I have to know…

"Where's Lyn?" I murmur.

"I don't know," Rowan says, tossing off his nightshirt and throwing on something fresh.

"But I have a few good guesses, and I'm gonna go find her. You stay here and sleep, okay? No following me." I frown and nod. Rowan was very much in his no-arguments mode. Finishing his preparations, Rowan stands up with a stretch and makes for the slab of wood that the shack uses as a door.

"All right, kiddos, I'm heading out. Stay out of trouble, okay?" For a moment, I almost ask him to stay with me. To help me fall asleep, to be there in case it comes back. But I can't do that. He has to go help Lyn. I clutch Rosco tightly to my chest, willing my body not to shake.

"Is Lyn gonna be okay?" I ask.

"... Yeah, Vita," Rowan says.

"I think so. She was probably just out late and holed up somewhere for the rain. We'll be back before you know it. Just make sure to rest, okay?" I nod.

"Okay." He nods back and departs, leaving me alone with the other kids. I grab a spare shirt to wrap around my eyes, blocking out the light. With Rosco cuddled close and cloak wrapped around me alongside the blankets, I rest. I wait. And eventually, finally, I nod off to sleep... Ever-shifting, ever changing; a beautiful, multifaceted rainbow. Warm, huge, pulsing like a heart; kindness and light. Two souls I've felt so closely. No one has ever treated me like Lyn and Rowan. They fed me. They helped me.

They accepted me. They did all this and expected nothing in return. I recall the day I insisted I wanted to help, barely two weeks ago. The surprise on their faces. The fire they lit in my heart. My whole life, I had nothing. I was worth nothing. Survival was my only concern, and I hadn't even been particularly good at it. But they filled that emptiness within me. I can only imagine my own soul, before that day. Tiny. Weak. Black. A dread nothingness, hopelessness personified. It looks the same, still.

So small, so dark. Yet now, something bright flashes inside, like lightning striking within a cloud. It GROWS. Someday, the flashing light will break free, and not even I know what I will become. A second soul floats within me as well. Dull, tinted red. A monochrome person, fractured and barely functional. There is something wrong with this soul, as large as it was. Yet I know it would be delicious no matter what. When I dissolved a person into nothing but materials, all that mattered was their size...

I hunger for it. I am so WEAK! So frail. In body and soul, I am almost nothing. I couldn't help it. I have to EAT! I tear the stored soul out of myself, gulping it down greedily. The kids ask what I'm doing and I kill them too, ripping their lives free from their bodies. Souls, souls everywhere! Lyn and Rowan return, and I am waiting. They can't fight back against the zombies I made from the bodies, they are too weak in heart.

They die and I eat them as well, together fore— With a scream I wake up, a chill sweat clinging to my body. What was... I didn't...! A quick look around and I see the kids are fine. The soul I'd taken yesterday is still safely inside me. Rowan and Lyn are—"Down the hatch," one of the kids says, causing me to jump in terror. Down the hatch!? Oh god, did I really—"... Rowan and Lyn said you should join them down the hatch. In the secret spot. When you wake up," he continues.... Right.

Right, duh, that makes more sense. Casting off the last throes of the dream, I stand up, shaking. Everyone is okay. I'm okay. I don't realize I'm still hugging Rosco in a death grip until I try to go down the ladder. Whatever, I'll bring him with. It's okay if Lyn and Rowan see. I spot them immediately. They're both sitting down next to each other, Lyn leaning on him. Rowan looks completely exhausted; he's worn down, depressed, confused.

Lyn, meanwhile, looks kind of like I did after Grig got his hands on me, back when he was still alive. She's beaten bloody, her face a complete mess of bruises and swelling. I suspect her condition is similar underneath her leather armor.

"... Hey, Vita," Lyn rasps out as I hop off the ladder.

"Didja sleep well, kiddo?" I swallow. No, not at all, but this was hardly the time for that.

"... What happened?" Lyn laughs. Fuck, but it sounds so genuine, even through her obvious pain.

"Screwed up a joint job. Business partners weren't happy. It's not as bad as it looks, kiddo."

"M'not a kiddo," I protest automatically.

"Yeah, yeah, of course. Sorry Vita." She tries to grin, but her mouth is a red mess of missing teeth. A boiling feeling wells up inside of me, demanding death. Lyn is... she's just so good! Who would hurt Lyn? Who would dare? I'm going to tear these bastards apart.... No. No, no, no, I'm just some kid. There's nothing I can do. The knowledge of my weakness douses my anger. I am weak, I barely know what's going on, and I made a promise to Rowan as well. Caution and care. That's how I have to deal with this.

But it would be dealt with. For now, though, far more important things are right in front of me. I step in and wrap my arms around Lyn, ever so gently. Even with how physically broken she is, her soul is still so warm and bright.

"What happened?" I ask quietly.

"Like I said kiddo, I just messed up," Lyn says dismissively. I break off the hug so I can look her in the eyes. Even holding onto a stuffed animal doesn't detract from the intensity of my stare.

"I'm. Not. A. Kid. Don't hide stuff from me. I want to help." Rowan and Lyn share a look.

"... Vita, I'm not sure this is something you can help with," Rowan says frankly.

"I can do a lot," I insist.

"I'm weak and maybe I don't know much. Not yet, anyway. But I can help. I will. You've helped me for a year. Let me do the same. And... and if you don't, I'll find out on my own!"

"Vita, please trust me when I say you should not be getting involved with—" Rowan starts.

"Naw, fuck it," Lyn says, cutting him off.

"Vita, Rowan and I are in big-time mondo debt. In exchange for this place we live in and assurance that no nasty types mess with the kids, Rowan and I work for the mob." I frown. If I recall correctly, the mob in charge of this area was...

"... The Broken Drakens?" She nods.

"Yeah, those guys. We failed a big job yesterday cuz I showed up so late. The boss was, uh, not happy." She scratches the back of her head, wincing.

"I'll be fighting fit in a week or so, everything should be fine. You know how it is, the men just have to show how tough they are." She laughs again, though it regresses into a coughing, hacking mess before too long. She wipes a bit of spit blood from her lips.

"There's no need to worry, kiddo. Really. I didn't exactly enjoy getting my shit kicked in, but it's just what happens. You've been there, right?"

"Yeah, and then I killed the guy who did that to me," I say flatly.

"Vita," Rowan begins warningly, but I talk over him for perhaps the first time in my life.

"I wanted to kill him," I continue.

"I really did. When he was just... beating me to death. When I saw how much he hated me. How little he cared about anything that happened to me. How disgusting and angry and evil he was. When I saw how much he wanted me to die... I wanted him to die first, so I could live." I watch them both carefully. They're silent, expectant. I don't think they've ever heard me say this much at once. I'm not sure I ever have.

"That feeling is how I learned my power," I continue.

"Now, I feel your souls every time I touch you. I dreamt about eating them when I slept. I'm terrified, Lyn. I don't want to be a killer, I don't want to be a monster. But you can't tell me that when you were getting beaten to a pulp that you thought you deserved it. You can't tell me that you don't want to get back at them. You can't tell me that we all wouldn't be better off if you were free." The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

A long, pregnant pause fills the room after that, only broken by another set of wet coughs from Lyn.

"... You've really been thinking about all that, huh kiddo?" Lyn murmurs after catching her breath.

"M'not not a kiddo," I answer.

"No," she agrees again.

"I guess not."

"Do you actually have a way to help?" Rowan asks.

"I shouldn't need to remind you that using your powers publicly will get you killed, or worse. Even most criminals would report you to the Templars. Nobody fucks around with soul magic, Vita."

"Nobody except us," I counter.

"You get kinda sassy when you're fed and rested, don't you?" Lyn comments with a grin.

"It's a valid question, though. What do you expect to actually do?" I frown, thinking. It's not that I didn't have ideas, it's that I had too many and didn't know enough about any of them.

"Rowan, did you figure out what that Templar wanted with you?" I ask.

"What?" Lyn yelps, shocked.

"Templar?"

"No, I haven't," Rowan says, scowling. Had he wanted to keep that a secret?

"It's been kind of a busy day, Vita. A Templar implied heavily that he had a job offer for me, Lyn. I don't know why."

"Well, I think you should figure out why," I say. Rowan sits backwards.

"I'd probably be out doing that now if one of my kids wasn't a friggin' animancer! How many times do I have to emphasize how dangerous it is for you to get close to them? If I'm close to them, and you're close to me..." I scowl.

"Don't ignore it because of me. The Templars might be able to find zombies and stuff, we don't know for sure. But I had another soul inside when that Templar talked to us, and he didn't seem to notice a thing. So maybe I can't raise an army or whatever, but I can eat souls to get stronger." Rowan sighs, but it's a concessionary sigh.

"Vita… if you don't want to be a monster, why the hell are you even thinking about eating souls?" I take a deep breath. Time for stupid idea number one.

"What if I got souls outside the walls?"

"What!?" Lyn and Rowan yell together.

"Vita, that's fucking crazy," Lyn continues.

"You'll die out there. You have no idea how powerful monsters can be."

"Hunters do it," I point out.

"I could join the hunter's guild."

"And hunters die. Besides, you can't be a hunter! You're weak, Vita. I'm weak, by hunter standards. They'd take one look at you and throw you out of the guild. You don't have weapons, you don't have armor, you can't show them your powers... the guild is pretty desperate, but they wouldn't even let you on a beginner team."

"I can get those things. And I can hide my powers. You said monsters are strong? And they have souls? It's not wrong to eat monster souls, right? They're not people. I know it's dangerous, but I could get really strong this way, Lyn. Then I can come back and help." Lyn shakes her head. Rowan scratches his mutton chops, looking increasingly concerned.

"It's a risky idea," Rowan says, "And we don't know if it's wrong to eat monster souls. But all ways of getting strong are risky, Lyn. You know that. Still, I'd like to hear if you have any better ideas." I nod. I don't know about better, but I had… ideas.

"Do you know a fat guy and a thin guy who go by Squigs and Frigs?" Lyn's face immediately darkens.

"Where'd you hear about them?" she asks.

"I ran into them on my walk the other day. I saw them kill a guy. Then I got really sassy at them and they tried to recruit me, I think.... I can be sassy when hungry, too."

"They're hired killers, Vita," Lyn says, scowling. I nod.

"I figured as much. I could get strong pretty fast if I joined up with them as well."

"Vita, you can't be an assassin!" Lyn shouts, horrified.

"Why not?" I counter back.

"I'm a necromancer, Lyn! I have death magic! You're the one who told me that's part of who I am! Anything I do is going to involve death!" She shuts her mouth.

"Besides, the assassins are going to kill people no matter what. This way, I'll be in a better position to kill other assassins too. Make the city a little safer." Lyn shakes her head, an expression of sadness taking her.

"Vita. Please. You can't think like that. Even killers have people who love them. Every death is a tragedy." I scowl. It's hard to disagree with that, but I want to. Did Grig's family miss him? I suppose I don't know, but I sure as hell wouldn't miss someone that beat me raw for baking bread wrong.

"My only other idea was to join the Broken Drakens with you and we could try to take them apart from the inside," I say frankly.

"I could help you guys out with what you do, we could work together, we could maybe make things better. Eventually, we could take them down."

"Absolutely not," Rowan says firmly.

"You are drastically overestimating yourself, Vita. Where are you even getting these ideas? You're not a criminal mastermind, you're not a trained hunter, you're a supposedly sixteen-year-old girl that we can barely feed enough to keep alive! The leader of the Broken Drakens has crushed more than one attempted uprising, and you're not the picture of subtlety. You don't understand these people, Vita. You're just going to get used as a pawn, chewed up, and spat out. Assuming you even survive!"

"So what do you want me to do, then?" I shout.

"Nothing? I'm fucking tired of doing nothing! That's not the person I want to be anymore! I'm not going to sit here and let them take all the money you make, Rowan! I'm definitely not going to wait around while Lyn gets the shit beaten out of her! And you know what? You can't stop me from doing what I want! So are you going to help or not?" For a moment, all I hear is my own panting breath. I'm so worked up I can barely stand it. Is this it? Are they so obsessed with helping me that they wouldn't accept my help?

Lyn sighs.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again. I've got your back for anything, Vita. You're family. And if this is what you have to do... you don't have to ask, kiddo. I'll help."

"I'm not a—""Yeah, yeah, I know," she says, cutting me off.

"Forgive us, would you Vita? You grew up really damn fast." Now it's Rowan's turn to sigh. He only has one thing to say, though.

"... So which one are you thinking? I don't like any of those options, but if you insist on picking one, it may as well be your favorite."

"I mean, the choice is obvious, isn't it?" I say.

"I promised you, Rowan." Rowan raises an eyebrow as Lyn looks on in confusion.

"I promised you I wouldn't lose my humanity. So I don't want to kill humans to get stronger. I want to help people. Hunters do that, right? They work together and keep people safe. They're heroes." Lyn smiles broadly.

"You say something like that while holding a stuffed animal and expect me not to call you 'kiddo?'" she jokes. I scowl.

"Leave Rosco out of this." She busts out into laughter, not stopping even as she begins to choke. Rowan just shakes his head.

"It's not that simple, Vita. It never is. No person and no organization is all good or all bad. The Hunter's Guild is going to have its infighting and politics the same as anyone else."

"... But they're not assassins or mobsters, right?" I press. Rowan looks pained.

"No, Vita, they're not assassins or mobsters. You do still have a point. But we're going to have to bust our asses getting you prepared for the fucking Hunter's Guild… You'll need so much more food just to look like you're not dying." I frown.

"I don't wanna take food from the others."

"We'll work something out, kiddo. I'm gonna have to steal you some gear," Lyn says, finally recovering from her laughing fit.

"We're gonna have to at least wait until I'm healed up for that." I nod.

"That reminds me. Can you teach me to sense danger like you? Rowan says I might have a talent for it, and it seems like it would be really helpful." Lyn grins.

"Yeah! Well, I dunno actually. Maybe! I'll definitely give it a shot! I dunno if I'm the teaching type, but it's not like I'll have anything better to do."

"Okay. I wanna test some things real fast. Can you sense me right now?" I ask.

"Is anything weird?" She peers at me, head tilting.

"It's always on, so yeah. You feel pretty much the same as before, though. Why?" I push the other human soul I've been hiding out of my arm, letting it rest on my palm.

"Do you feel anything different now?" Lyn shakes her head.

"Still the same, ki— er, Vita."

"... Okay. I'm gonna eat this soul, then. Tell me if I feel different then." They blink.

"Wait... you're holding a soul?" Lyn asks.

"Vita, where did you get that?" I tilt my head.

"I told you. I ran into those assassin guys. I took the soul of the guy they killed."

"You're going to eat a man's soul?" Rowan asks slowly. I frown, thinking about it. Why wouldn't I? I need to know if it's safe to store souls I find in my body. It seems like Lyn can't detect it, but maybe that's just because it's too small. If she notices a change after I eat it, that means it's hidden from her danger sense thing. If she doesn't, then we don't know whether or not her danger sense can detect larger souls.

There might be other good uses for it later, but this seems like something that's best to know now.

"Yeah," I decide. They both stare at me.

"... Is that weird?" I wonder hesitantly.

"It's just… what happens to the soul when you eat it, Vita?" Rowan asks.

"It becomes part of me," I answer immediately.

"So... that person, that individual, is living inside you?"

"No," I tell them, shaking my head.

"They're dead. The soul gets all dissolved and stuff."

"So... the person never gets to go to the afterlife?" Rowan asks. Oh. Oh. That's what he's worried about. I squeeze Rosco a little.

"I don't really know. Maybe they get to go when I die? I'm sure they get put back together. There's no way I'm powerful enough to invalidate the afterlife, right?" I hope that's right. I really, really, really hope that's right. Rowan scratches his head.

"Yeah... I guess there's no way, right? Do your experiment." I nod, then look at Lyn. After a short pause, she nods too. I open my mouth wide and drop the soul down my throat, letting the feeling of raw, dissolved power flow through me. It's the best meal I've had since Grig... I feel a little calmer, a little more clear-headed.

"... Yep," Lyn mutters as I start to come down from the euphoria.

"I definitely felt that. It's not a big difference, but it's a difference. You're stronger." I nod. No snacking in front of people with a danger sense, then.

"One more thing I want to test." Reaching my hand forward, I concentrate as hard as I can. When my hand is four inches away from Lyn... I feel it. That warm, beautiful soul.

"... Twice as far as last time," I murmur.

"I get better at sensing souls the more I eat, I think." Lyn's eyebrows raise.

"Do you even need my help, then?" she asks.

"She will," Rowan insists.

"Raw power is nice, but technique makes a huge difference too. If you actually learn how to do it right instead of just thinking really hard at it, Vita, I think it'll help even more than the soul-eating shit."

"Okay," I agree.

"Can you help me get some animal souls anyway, though?" He sighs.

"Yeah. Sure." I give Rowan a huge hug, which he accepts with middling grace. I have a plan, it sounds like. Train, learn, eat, grow. And once I can survive it… the hunter's guild awaits. I never imagined I'd get a legal job. All I needed was some illegal magic to nab it.