Chương 133: 131. Hollow Vessel

The first words out of my mouth more or less sum up my thoughts on the matter.

"That's stupid," I grunt. Altrix gives me an irritated glare.

"We assure you, it is the truth," she insists.

"For six years, you were our son. You most likely died, then possessed your current body."

"I know I forgot a lot, but I find it difficult to believe I'd forget having a dick," I grumble. Altrix sighs.

"Do you really find the idea so detestable, compared to that of being a woman?" she asks.

"Well, no, I don't really give a shit about that," I dismiss.

"Man or woman, both seem equally awful. I just… I don't know. What you're talking about is crazy. You're saying that when I die, I just… don't die? That I'm literally immortal unless you destroy my soul with animancy? That I can pretty much take any body I want and make it mine? That I could have fucking shed this shitty, awful life this whole damn time, and I just didn't know about it!?" I grind my teeth together, getting increasingly furious the more I think about this.

If this is really true, I've been such a goddamn idiot! None of the dangers I've faced even fucking mattered! I could have been scot-free whenever I wanted!

"Well, probably not," Altrix answers.

"You did, if you recall, lose all of your memories. We're far from an expert about Lichdom, Vita, but we've been around Ars since our inception. It is not a task he undertakes casually."

"He was pretty casual when he slit his throat to avoid walking up some stairs," I counter.

"It is Ars' way to always downplay the danger he perceives himself to be in," Altrix explains.

"We suspect his decision was far more tactical than he implied. We know that Ars prepared his bodies for possession long in advance, heavily modifying both his own soul and that of his target to minimize the damage transferring caused him. But there is damage. Ars has achieved functional immortality through his status as a Lich, but he suffers a cost whenever he uses that power."

"It's like Nawra," Vitamin says suddenly, idly kicking her legs from her perch on my shoulders.

"Souls with nothing to feed them have to consume themselves for energy. Mom, what if your memory loss is the same as when a Nawra spends too long outside a host? What if you lost who you were the same way we could, before you killed us?"

"All the other souls in my body aren't feeding on me, and they're fine," I argue.

"They're unconscious and inert," Vitamin says.

"They're probably not using any energy." I think about that. Still doesn't seem to add up.

"You aren't using your body for fuel as a Revenant," I point out.

"And yeah, you degrade, but it's way slower than a Nawra does. That's because of my soul shards, isn't it? I think I remember someone saying something about how much more efficient they are, compared to Nawra. If they came from my soul, shouldn't I be basically fine for extended periods of time as just a soul?"

"You were not strong, as a child," Altrix says.

"You did not have the powers you have now, so that could certainly be part of it. But another theory would be that the process of possessing a different body is inherently exhausting, taking large amounts of energy. You might avoid losing memories now that you have power to spare, but all we know for certain is that, as a child, it nearly destroyed you."

"So if that theory is right, I might be a lot weaker after a swap," I conclude. Damn. So much for operation: ditch this skin. As gross as this body is, I suppose it has also become quite strong. A new body wouldn't have extra eyes and gross faux-tentacles, but it also wouldn't have the enhanced muscles and bones that let me survive an explosion to the face. It'd be worse than when I was breaking my own legs for moving too fast all the time.

"These are all guesses," Altrix says.

"I think it's undeniable that you are a Lich—a being that can inhabit a new, living body whenever their body is killed. But that would make you and Ars the only Liches I know of. And the two of you might not even work the same way! Ars prepared his bodies in advance, but there's no way you or he prepared this… orphan girl form for you." I scowl.

'Orphan girl form?' Bitch, it's not a form, I just am an orphan girl. Maybe I'm also some kind of weird nascent demigoddess, but that's more 'what' than 'who.'

"Vita isn't even a boy's name," I grumble. Altrix raises an eyebrow."'Sano,' 'Excorio,' and 'Interitus' don't really sound like girl's names. Ars never gave much thought to things like that."

"This guy sounds like the absolute worst father figure," I grumble.

"We would not describe him as particularly competent in that area, no," Altrix smirks.

"Though he did give you Rosco for your birthday, once. That's about the only interaction the two of you had, outside of him dropping by to examine the progression of your soul." I pause, my mind stalling as a dozen questions assault it at once. I manage to voice one of them.

"I… when's my birthday?" Sympathy, sadness, and regret pour from the woman in front of me, all coated in that motherly love that makes me so suspicious of her. It's hard not to recoil at unrequited longing.

"Second Greenrock," she answers.

"Or… at least that's when your original body was born. Your 'birth' could arguably be the moment you filled the hollow soul Ars made for you, if that is what you identify with, but we always celebrated on Second Greenrock. You'd have to ask Ars when you were first brought here, and… well, you'd know better than we would about when that part of you from elsewhere was born."

"You think I'm from another world?" I prompt.

"Aren't you?"

"Well… my mana certainly isn't from here," I muse.

"It feels like it's from somewhere impossibly far away. I can go there, mentally. Be that part of myself, play around a bit. But there's nothing there. It's just me, and walls of death surrounding me on all sides. I can move around a little, test their boundaries, but it's pretty pointless. There are no answers there, and certainly no memories. It just is. A static equilibrium." I spent plenty of my time in prison confirming that, too. My mana self is so beautiful, so pure, raw potential given form.

It's relaxing just to move myself, dancing within the confines of that otherworldly prison, surrounded by multicolored walls of pointless annihilation. Green, black, purple… I could try to tunnel through them, throwing myself against them to burn them away, but why bother? Nothing else exists in that realm. I would just be making myself smaller for no purpose, no gain. I am an ocean among nothing but oceans, raw might with nothing to use it on. Well, nothing on that side of the tunnel, anyway.

Altrix gives me an odd look as my explanation ends, her emotions as complicated as ever. Nostalgia, concern, regret, love, curiosity, ponderousness… there's quite a lot going on inside her head at any given time.

"You never spoke about any of this as a child," she says simply.

"Well, I never even knew I was using a different kind of mana from everyone else until Penelope and Theodora figured it out," I shrug. Theodora preens silently, though she's still working with Melissa.

"I can hardly imagine I had any idea what my deal was when I was five."

"Mmm, I suppose. You were exceptionally intelligent for a child, however. At least when you bothered to be. You were also… well, rather lazy. It was often a hassle to get you to do anything." I flinch, though I manage to keep my body from reacting. That kind of hits close to home. Lazy. I've always hated that part of myself, my tendency to just sit around and wait for things to happen to me rather than deciding on something and working towards it on my own. I wonder… is that part of my nature, too?

I've always blamed it on my shitty life, on not physically having the opportunity or energy to do anything in the first place. But if I really used to be… what, a spoiled noble boy? And I was still like that? That means it's all me. I can see it, too. I'm most content when I'm sitting around, be that because I'm cuddling someone or diving into my soul or eating or just doing nothing at all. I don't like to plan, to fight, to work, to learn… to do anything, really.

I solve problems put in front of me, but I need help from others to push me to take it further. I've known this for a long time and struggled to deal with it, because knowing it's bad doesn't change the truth of it. How do I put more effort into the problem of not wanting to put in effort? What have I been cheating myself out of? Maybe I could have even broken myself out of jail sooner if I spent less time ignoring the world and more time thinking about it. Who knows?

What comes to mind now, however, is the idea that if I'm the same sort of being as the Mistwatcher… what if this is what it's doing, as well? What if I'm a lazy sack of shit for the same reason it just sits around and eats, never using its power for anything but maintaining its little rotating buffet line? Does the Mistwatcher have hopes and dreams and goals, or is it just a vehicle for sedentary self-satisfaction? And even more chillingly…

is that what I'll become when I'm strong enough to not be in danger anymore? Is that all I am, at the core of my soul?

"Vita?" Altrix asks in that hauntingly motherly tone of hers.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah," I lie.

"I'm just… coming to a number of terrifying revelations, is all." Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.

"I suppose learning that you died and possessed the body of another person would do that," Altrix answers, smiling slightly.

"Sure, that too." She blinks.

"So back to the Lich thing," I say, expertly changing the subject.

"The basic summary is that we think I can shrug off death. I'll be a little weaker, possibly a lot weaker, from the process of moving around without a body and subsequently claiming a new one. The longer I go without claiming a new body, the more damage I'll take. Go too long without a body, and Misty probably eats me. That all sound accurate so far?"

"Makes sense to me!" Vitamin chirps.

"Based on my limited understanding, yes," Altrix agrees.

"Okay," I say.

"So here's kind of a sticking point for me. How the fuck do I actually do the possession?" Silence answers me.

"I just feel like that's a major problem, here," I continue.

"I don't remember doing that. Hell, I don't even know how to move around without a body; currently, the movements of my soul are entirely based on my soul's link to my body. Ars shot off like an arrow when he died, but he prepares his bodies in advance, apparently. I don't. I wouldn't even know how. What if I die and I just end up floating in place like any other soul?" The more I think about it, the more worried I am. How does a soul move without its body? Do I swim through the air?

My soul doesn't interact with air! I might be able to grab onto other souls and pull myself around that way, but only if there are any nearby… and pushing on a soul too hard tends to kill it, which is why I can't just spider-walk my way around using souls as grapple points for my tentacles. They're fragile! Maybe I could get a bit of momentum that way, but it wouldn't be a lot.

"I'm almost certainly stuck possessing things that are within tentacle range or just slightly outside it when I die," I conclude.

"That would even explain why I'm an orphan girl in the first place. If I had the option of flying around and possessing anyone in the city, wouldn't I have done that? Instead, I'm this. One of the earliest things I remember is looting a rich kid's body in order to grab Rosco, so maybe this body is just the only one that got close enough for me to nab!" Which means… I was that rich kid I stole Rosco from. Retrieved Rosco from? Shit, that's freaky.

"I died in a random mugging," I realize.

"My 'family' was just stupid enough to walk around in fancy clothes in my part of town. That's kind of pathetic."

"Sorry, Vita," Altrix says quietly, unable to meet my eyes.

"We did the best we could." I stare at her, trying to figure out what to say. In prison, I never had to worry about any social interaction beyond aggressive ones. I hated everyone there. They were all so firm in their bullshit beliefs, so fucking holier-than-thou that I couldn't help but despise their guts. Jelisa wasn't the only nice one, if I'm being honest. I killed kind people during my escape. But unlike Jelisa they were also people who would never, ever listen.

People so unshakably firm in their beliefs that nothing I said was ever taken seriously. Not unless I made them hurt. I resent Altrix, a little. I was perfectly content to not know my past, to not know who I was. I'd come to terms with that years ago. But is that just more of me being lazy, being happy to do and think about nothing? She's right that I've just been treating her like a tool, abusing the fact that she loves me. I don't know how else to interact with her.

I had a family already, one that I found and fucking earned my place in. I don't want whatever one Ars made for me, handed on a silver platter. But… that's not fair. I shouldn't treat her like a Revenant. For that matter, I should treat my Revenants better than I actually do. I should work, I should improve. Yet I can feel myself tempted to just sit down and tune everything out again, safe in my ocean.

"Apology accepted," I tell Altrix.

"And… sorry. For real this time. You're right, I've been an asshole. If that keeps happening… keep calling me out on it. Please. You have my permission." She scoffs.

"We don't need permission for that. Thank you for the apology, though. We… we missed you very much, Vita."

"Well, that's the other thing," I sigh, picking up on the lack of an 'apology accepted' being intentional. Oh, well.

"I know you… think of yourself as my mom. And I'm willing to accept you maybe are my real mom, in whatever capacity that means for someone like me. But… I don't think of you that way. I probably never will." She nods, and I feel her heart breaking.

"But that doesn't mean we have to… I dunno. Be strangers, I guess," I continue quickly.

"I know you love me, so… I'll make an effort to be less of a jerk around you. We can hang out, and stuff. I'll make new memories with you, how's that?" Ah, there we go. The warmth in her soul flows back as she smiles wide at me, showing her strangely-shaped teeth.

"Vita," Altrix says.

"May we hug you?" I tense up a little. I don't know her that well. She's not a Revenant. But she loves me. Love… is safe.

"Yeah," I agree.

"Okay." I set Vitamin down as Altrix approaches me, pulling me into a firm hug. I feel a desperately-needed catharsis start to swirl through her soul, washing her stress and fury and sadness and guilt into something more melancholy, more manageable. I take a deep breath, basking in that feeling for strength, and reach up to hug her back.

"I… forgot what it was like," I manage to say.

"To be around people that care about me." The hug grows tighter, and I feel a different part of Altrix's soul slot into control.

"They will never take you again, Vita," Altrix promises.

"We will kill them all if they try."

"Thanks, Altrix," I say quietly, and I'm happy to find that I mean it.

"Excorio," she corrects.

"Before, you were talking with Sano. Our third is Nix. At least try your best to remember that, or we will call you an asshole again." I blink.

"Uh, okay. Noted. I'm not the best with names but… I'll make an effort." She chuckles, finally letting go of me.

"Good," Excorio concludes.

"Hey, um, I hate to interrupt this touching family reunion," Theodora says suddenly, flashing me an awkward smile.

"But… well, we have our first sample." She holds up a glass jar, inside of which is a small, golden yellow glob of slime, alive and wriggling. Behind her, Melissa has her hands on her mouth, as if in shock.

"Did I just have a baby…?" she whispers.

"I'm definitely not supposed to do that until I'm older."

"Uh, it's… more like a clone," Theodora unsuccessfully reassures her.

"Anyway, Vita, it looks pretty mindless. Can you confirm?" I give its tiny soul a once-over, and nod.

"Yeah, I don't even feel any emotions from that. It's dumber than a bug."

"Perfect!" Theodora exclaims happily.

"So… here's the tricky bit. We want to make sure we can replicably integrate a soul into this thing in the same way as Melissa. Buuut… if we don't use a large enough soul, it'll just be digested." I nod at Altrix… er, Excorio, and then step past her to approach Theodora and the baby ozoid. Theodora is basically asking permission to use one of the souls inside my body as a test subject. Which I have… more than a few mixed feelings about. I have an obligation to these souls, after all.

If something happens to them, it's my fault. We can't really use animal souls for this, though. There's no way to check, say, a squirrel soul for mental degradation, considering that I can't speak squirrel. And that's assuming the squirrel soul doesn't just get eaten. We kind of need something of human level intelligence. Out of everything inside me, though, I think I have a good chunk of souls that fit the bill.

"Vitamin," I say, looking down at her.

"How do you feel about me using your sibling to test this?" She seems shocked.

"You don't mean Angelien, do you?" she asks.

"You want to risk her on a test?"

"No, no," I say quickly.

"I mean your biological siblings. The Nawra souls from Litia village. They were some of the first souls I saved, remember?"

"Oh," she breathes.

"Oh, uh… right, yeah. I kinda forgot that. Why them, mom?"

"Because on one hand, I want to bring them back," I say.

"On the other hand, if this goes wrong… well, every one of them decided to torture a person in order to live. If someone is going to suffer while we perfect this process they're the candidates that deserve it the most." Vitamin scratches the back of her head.

"Uh… maybe you should talk to Margarette about this?" she hedges.

"It's not like I knew any of them. Only you and my two not-dads."

"Just do it," Theodora grumbles.

"Or will Margarette disagreeing change what you think is best at all?" I smile sadly. Nah, it probably won't.

"Here we go then," I say.

"Random-Nawra-I-Don't-Know Number One, let's bring you back." I extract the soul in question from my body, placing it carefully inside the slime. Best I can remember, I never even interacted with this Nawra before; they were just one of the couple dozen possessing a random villager.

The soul is almost bigger than the tiny glop of ooze-in-a-jar, but if anything that should just make it less likely to be damaged as the miniscule ozoid soul tries and magnificently fails at digesting the Nawra soul, ending up fused and subverted. Slowly but surely, the consciousness of the Nawra churns online, going through that familiar bewildering process of waking up and realizing one's own existence.

"Welcome back to life!" Vitamin says happily, and I immediately notice something wrong.

"They didn't understand that," I report.

"They're panicking. They're awake and thinking normally, as far as I can tell, but something's wrong."

"Well, they're adjusting to new senses, probably," Theodora says.

"Unless you think it's something more serious than that?"

"I don't remember it well, but I was really, really scared when I first became like this," Melissa says.

"I'm blind, you know. I can hear things well, and I can see… impressions of people. That's about it. Oh, by the way, you're very beautiful, Miss Vita! Like a bright blue Mistwatcher! I was afraid to mention it before because the Templars never seemed to like it when I talked about those things, but Jelisaveta said it was okay now! When is she coming back?" I frown a little. Huh. So Melissa has a soul sense? That… actually seems pretty obvious in retrospect, considering her whole diet is souls.

Even Lark could bite at my tentacles, but I guess Melissa also uses her soul sense to navigate.

"I'm not sure when you'll see Jelisa again, but I'm sure it won't be too long," I answer noncommittally.

"So, can you make another?" She fakes a blink at me, tilting her head with confusion.

"Another?" she chirps.

"Another baby slime," I clarify. This is working, and I want to talk to my friend again.

"It's probably best we wait," Theodora butts in.

"Let's get this slime fed, monitor it, make sure nothing bad happens. And more importantly, we should do the same for Melissa. Vitamin, can you help us gather up some bugs?"

"Sure thing, Dora!" Vitamin salutes before bursting off into the forest.

"Don't call me…! Bah, she's gone already," Theodora grumbles.

"What should I do?" I ask. My Revenant shrugs.

"Whatever you like. But if you want to help… just watch and wait." So I do that. For the rest of the day and all through the night, I monitor this dumb slime's condition, occasionally talking to it and feeding it whenever Vitamin returns with a haul. (The first time she brought a bunch of bugs back, I accidentally ate them all without thinking about it. Every subsequent time, I had to consciously restrain myself. It's apparently a habit.) I've been awake for what must be over sixty hours now, and I don't feel the slightest bit tired. Maybe I'm just loaded up on sleep from all the prison comas I put myself in? Well, whatever the reason, I finally sense some word recognition from our newly-reanimated slime friend the morning after. With some coaxing from Theodora and coaching from Melissa, we get a basic line of communication flowing. And our little baby ozoid-reanimation seems… sane and stable.

"That's it then, right?" I ask.

"We did it?"

"Well, there could be any number of long-term complications we don't know about," Theodora insists.

"But with you here to monitor soul integrity and Melissa's case indicating they should be able to survive without much degradation on a modest diet… I think we might have done it." I take a deep breath, grinning from ear to ear..

"Then can we do another?" I ask.

"Are you up for that, Melissa?"

"O-okay!" she says, clenching her little fists with determination.

"I'll be brave! Cut another piece off of me, Ms. Theodora!" This is it, then. I stroke the inert soul of my friend, the slaver I swore to never make a slave. I've grown so, so much since I last talked to her. I wonder how different things will be without her in my head.

"Talk to you soon, Penta," I tell her, dropping her soul in the next slime.

"I keep my promises."