Chương 54: S.04 Memory of the Clock 10(01)

Scene 00. Why is it, that you do not grieve. Because grief, would deny me what I long to attain. Why is it, that you do not ache. Because crying out, does not unmake what I feel. Why is it, that you can wait. Because deeper than any weight of life, through that long stretch of time, you watched over me, and you guarded me. Then, can you accept me into yourself. Because it must be so, and so I waited, and so I feel, and only so can it be attained — I believe. And so, I have simply. Chosen to believe.

The mist coiling around the desolate grove of trees thickened, and a thin keening cry rolled outward through the surroundings. As if speaking on behalf of someone's deeply rooted time, the desolate keening filled the surroundings with an even sharper chill. Scene 01. Si-yeon walked alongside Driver Lim alone, her steps unhurried. While So-hui, Yeon-su, and Gyeong-seo were preparing the breakfast table in the early morning, Si-yeon was sharing a brief, deep moment of thought with Driver Lim.

As Si-yeon walked across the yellowing grass of the garden, her vacant gaze drifted toward Driver Lim, and she opened the conversation with a small, slightly light question, the words coming out only with effort. Si-yeon: Did you sleep well? The honorific speech she had thought lost was now flowing rather smoothly. Even though her honorifics with the police still felt awkward, when she faced the age of a true grown-up, the speech she had thought lost came out without much difficulty.

Driver Lim, hearing Si-yeon's greeting, nodded and smiled with a kindly warmth. Driver Lim: Of course. Of course I did. But, if it was just warm enough for me, wouldn't that be too hot for you, Si-yeon? At Driver Lim's lightly teasing question, Si-yeon pursed her lips and shook her head. Driver Lim covered Si-yeon's cold hand with his own rough one, as if blanketing it. The warm heat of an adult was felt again. Driver Lim: Ji-yeong, So-hui, all of them. They always held my hand like this.

Every one of them, like daughters of mine. How would you be any different. You're the last child the elder sister took into her bosom. In Driver Lim's gruff voice lingered the deep regret of bygone days. Si-yeon let out a small sigh and gripped Driver Lim's rough hand a little tighter. Si-yeon: ajeossi. Driver Lim: Yes. Si-yeon. Si-yeon: Was it the right thing, that I did not save my mother.

Si-yeon's grumbling voice was the same as ever, but now her honorifics, and the depth held within them, had taken root rather firmly. Driver Lim turned his head, looked at Si-yeon with a soft glance, and answered. Driver Lim: You couldn't save her. It wasn't that you didn't help her. Si-yeon: If I had stepped forward, mother would have lived. Surely. Driver Lim: She might have met an even more terrible end. She chose what was best.

Si-yeon: Truthfully, even though I've been getting on as if nothing happened, everyone probably knows that's not how it really is. Driver Lim: Of course. Everyone was hurting — how could you not have been hurting too. Si-yeon: ajeossi, mother — neither of you had been watching me for all that long, but I couldn't speak up. I was afraid that if I grieved, someone would Jiral about me being out of line. Not even to So-hui. Driver Lim: Si-yeon. Si-yeon: Yes.

Driver Lim: When a grown-up cherishes and shelters a child, time isn't the only thing that matters. Of course, if you've looked at each other long and shared much, it can settle that much deeper. But how long the two of you longed for each other — that matters too. Si-yeon: Do you know my story. You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story. Driver Lim shook his head.

Driver Lim: That everyone needs an adult who can wrap themselves around them — that's something you can know without having to be told by anyone. Si-yeon: Fair enough. Driver Lim: You wouldn't believe how hard I tried to talk the elder sister out of it. I was practically throwing tantrums like a child, telling her she had to stay even one day longer. But the longer it stretched, the more everyone knew unnecessary sacrifices would follow. Ji-yeong, the former The Oldest. So-hui, all of you.

Si-yeon: Could it not have been stopped. Driver Lim: Si-yeon. Si-yeon: Yes. Driver Lim: Just because no one stopped it doesn't make it your responsibility. There are people who do these things — what fault do you bear in that. Just stopping the ones who do them is more than enough to weigh on you. No matter how hard So-hui tries, chasing is always a hard road. And even if you stop one thing in advance, something else can break open elsewhere. Si-yeon: What do I do, to be able to hold my head up.

Driver Lim: You did nothing wrong. What reason would there be for you not to hold your head up. Si-yeon: But it feels like I did something wrong. Driver Lim: No one resents you. No one blames you. Si-yeon: ajeossi. Driver Lim: Yes. Si-yeon: What do I have to do, to keep myself from blaming myself? Driver Lim slowly stopped his steps and looked Si-yeon square in the face.

She was the same in height and appearance as the Ji-yeong he had watched for over twenty years, but this Si-yeon was smaller and more fragile than Ji-yeong. Driver Lim looked at Si-yeon with a smile, and in a steady voice, he comforted her. Driver Lim: Look back on the changed you. Honor the you that tried hard enough, look more deeply at yourself than anyone else does, and it will grow a little lighter. Si-yeon stood still and looked at the wrinkled gauntness of Driver Lim's face.

The trail of self-reproach more terrible than anyone else's was etched plainly in his face. Si-yeon looked steadily at Driver Lim with clearer eyes, then nodded slowly. Si-yeon: So that must have been what Ji-yeong sis was saying. Driver Lim: Ji-yeong knows herself better than anyone. And she works hard not to lie to herself. Si-yeon: Yes. She said something close to that to me.

Driver Lim: Since I first saw you in that PC bang, you have changed almost beyond recognition — and that's something you have to start knowing now too. Si-yeon: Yes. Driver Lim: When you have time to look back, take that time to tend to yourself, look back, and honor yourself. You — all of you — every last one of you, you are precious children. Scene 02_01. It was the first Saturday weekend they were greeting.

Ji-yeong, finished readying herself to go out in comfortable leggings, was standing before the vanity mirror finishing her grooming. It was a season where the colder the temperature had to drop, the more the sunlight blazed. Now they were in the dead middle of winter, with only a few days left in the year. She believed spring would come. Because she believed it, she had to prepare to make it through the winter safely now. After tying her long hair high, she straightened the thick long-sleeved shirt back down.

As a final touch, she pulled her socks up, tidied herself, glanced once more at the mirror, applied lip balm, and rose. As if sensing Ji-yeong's intent to leave, Chae-rim's voice came from right beside the window. Chae-rim: Are you going out. Ji-yeong: Yes. It is the weekend, after all. Chae-rim: I shall escort you. Chae-rim was trying to fulfill her duty. It wasn't that Ji-yeong didn't understand Chae-rim's intent, but on this first weekend, there was a place Ji-yeong had to go. Ji-yeong spoke carefully.

Ji-yeong: Hm. Captain. Chae-rim: Yes, The Oldest. Ji-yeong: My mother also used her weekends as personal time. Because she gave the rest to us. Could you give me some time too. You also need time to rest, Captain. Chae-rim: But, The Oldest. Then and now are entirely different situations. There is still someone targeting you —— Ji-yeong: It was worse back then. Before I sorted it out. Chae-rim: The Oldest. Right now, you are someone who can only become their target. Please, allow me to attend you.

Ji-yeong: Chae-rim. Ji-yeong called Chae-rim quietly, by name rather than title. The honorific dissolves. Title to name. Chae-rim:... Yes. Ji-yeong: I'm asking you a favor. There are people I want to see. I bought a new phone yesterday too, remember. I'll contact you right away. I'll be back by tomorrow morning. Chae-rim: At least tell me where you're going. Ji-yeong: I'm going to see my younger siblings. Chae-rim:... Understood.

Ji-yeong: I'll go and come back carefully, so don't worry, and rest today and tomorrow. Chae-rim: Yes. Ji-yeong, smiling, lifted her body fully upright. Slipping on the thick jacket she had hung on the rack near the entrance, she pulled the rolled-up long sleeves out flat, smoothed her clothing, opened the door, and stepped outside. On the stepping-stone, sneakers matching Ji-yeong's outfit had been set out.

Ji-yeong perched on the edge of the wooden floor and put her sneakers on, an awkward smile drifting across her face, and muttered to herself. Ji-yeong: Aigoo, really. I told her to rest. Scene 02_02. After muttering, Ji-yeong slipped a finger behind the heels of her sneakers to set them straight, then stepped out past the front gate. At the gate, the personnel who had now become the Guard Corps stood watch at the front. Ji-yeong stopped briefly before the two officers guarding the gate, smiled brightly, and spoke.

Ji-yeong: Today, please just handle facility maintenance. I'll be back by tomorrow morning. Guard Corps Officer 02: Um, but, our duty—— Ji-yeong: There's no one here to guard, so it's a bit much, isn't it. The Captain of the Guard Corps is also resting today, so be at ease. Standing planted there all day must be torture too. The Guard Corps officers exchanged glances briefly, then thanked Ji-yeong and carefully withdrew from their posts.

As Ji-yeong was about to set off, she caught sight of Hee-jin and I-seon bickering with each other, heading toward Ji-yeong's quarters. Ji-yeong drew the thin outer layer closed and approached the two of them. Ji-yeong: Director of the Martial Hall. At Ji-yeong's bright voice, Hee-jin and I-seon stopped, looking startled, and offered greetings first. Ji-yeong: I'm going out today, so I told the Inner Gua —— I mean, the Guard Corps officers and Captain to rest. Please don't go and harass them about it.

I-seon let out a light cough and bowed his head. I-seon: Ah, understood. Ji-yeong: Ah, but the two of you, and me too — we're all in casual clothes. Receiving and giving honorifics on the weekend is a bit awkward. Hee-jin: Cannot be done. Absolutely not. Ji-yeong: Aigoo, jinjja!! The moment I bring something up it's "cannot be done." Always. I-seon: But, where are you going on a weekend morning. If you don't even bring a single escort —— Ji-yeong: Ah, there's something I need to attend to.

I'll be back by tomorrow morning. Hee-jin: Understood. As to where you're going. Ji-yeong gave a sheepish smile and answered with mouth-shape only. Ji-yeong: Younger siblings. Quick-witted Hee-jin nodded lightly and smiled. Hee-jin: Understood. Ji-yeong: If the two of you have nothing else going on today —— Hee-jin: Ah, I was planning to step out for a bit in the afternoon as well. I-seon: I was thinking of playing some games inside.

Hee-jin: I'll be going with two Guard Corps officers attending me, but it shouldn't take long. I imagine I'll be back by afternoon. Ji-yeong nodded and glanced briefly at the watch on her wrist. A small vibration and alarm were going off. Ji-yeong: Ah, I'd better get going. Travel safely. Both of you. Ji-yeong gave her greeting first and quickly left the spot. As if not yet familiar with the path, she only kept walking, then halted at a fork in the road.

Watching this, Hee-jin and I-seon both silently observed Ji-yeong's choice. Ji-yeong, growing sheepish, slid her fingers through her long hair and scratched vigorously, then turned to the two with a sheepish look. Ji-yeong: Hey, I'm not directionally challenged, but where was the north gate parking lot again??