Chương 79: Return III

The lightning spell hit Parsnip across her mid section, cutting her cleanly in two.

"Fffuck!" she hissed and hit the ground in a pile of limbs and chitin. NO! No, no, no. I dismissed my transformation, snagged the Lucky 7 out of the air with a sticky web, and shot Fowl twice. The shield piercing sadness ammo was loaded, and this was not a small caliber.

"FUCK!" His staff twitched in my direction, but a third bullet exploded his arm at the elbow.

"GAH! YOU PRIMITIVE—" I emptied the entire cylinder into his body. One, two, three, four shots. He seized up, fell from the sky. I reloaded, shot him seven more times. Only when I saw his soul leave his body and zoom into the sky did I rush over to Parsnip and slap a time bandaid on her body. It was not enough. Even using three to affix her lower and upper body were not going to be enough. Her chitin was steaming, and when I touched her, an electric shock shot up my arm.

It smelled like cooked prawn and something acrid.

"Shit, shit… medic! Medic!" The sound of my voice was drowned out by the chaos all around. A moment later, I remembered that I could just buy shit.

"System! One regeneration potion, instabuy." [Soulcoins: 3741->2014] The potion landed in my hand and I forced it down Parsnip's throat. I was expecting her heartbeat to stabilize, cracks in her carapace to fill out. But it did nothing. It was labeled as 'earthborn organisms only'. Because of course, among all the ways to make a potion powerful enough to regrow limbs, excluding unknown trillions of organisms from its effect was most convenient. I slammed a fist into the ground. The fist bounced.

I was still a tiny, helpless gummy spider.

"Why? Why did you make yourself an obvious target, Parsnip? That goes against every rule in a good huntress' book."

"B-because you needed h-help," she said, voice jittery.

"And I couldn't f-figure out how to make your shooty-thing work. It was… annoying." Annoying. As if it was a mild inconvenience. Oh Parsnip, I didn't need help. That shot was meant for me. I'm the Custodian here, I have the extra lives, I'm supposed to take the shots so nobody else has to. But you didn't see that. You just saw a friend in need and jumped. Some friend I am.

"Please!" I yelled over the din of whirring shuriken drones and not so distant laser fire.

"Someone, anyone! System! Addy! Mochi, Abyssl, Eek! I don't care who answers or what I need to do, but please, don't let my friend die!" But the heavens didn't answer, and neither did anyone else. There were tears in my eyes.

"Do you remember when I gave that lecture on staying calm under stress?"

"No. Sorry, I wasn't li-listening." Parsnip twitched.

"Sam? I have a re-request."

"I'm listening."

"I want y-you to taxidermy my corpse," she said.

"Both halves."

"What?"

"You can place me in the living room, or the training area. It'll look awesome. And I definitely won't haunt you much. Only a bit." I stared at my bug friend for a long while. She was delusional, delirious due to blood loss.

"Promise me! It needs to be a cool taxidermy."

"I-I, uh, I…" She gasped, took a deep breath.

"I can see the light. It's… saying something to me…" There was a moment's pause.

"Sam, what does 'eligible for Custodian status' mean?" I blinked at her mouth opening and closing.

"Parsnip… how many extra lives do you have?"

"One. Just one. Oh, there it goes. How… annoying…" I saw it then for a brief moment, her ghost or soul or whatever it was leaving her body before disappearing in a blink. And then broke out into laughing, crying tears. Thank you, system. Thank you. Parsnip won't disappoint you. She's a good bug. I won't disappoint you. I know what must be done. Distantly, I noticed the notifications I'd gotten, one level ups given by the system.

Experience was one thing that was earned naturally, that couldn't be denied unlike soulcoins and extra lives. [Congratulations! You have reached level 54] [+6 Body, +4 Sense, +6 Mind, +5 Soul, +1 Free Stat Points] Parsnip had kept her word, and been so busy saving people that the safe area under Momma-Bird's wings was stuffed full with the moaning and groaning injured. Moaning and groaning was good. That meant they were still alive. I found the general, sans one leg.

She was lying in a makeshift triage-tent underneath Momma-Bird's wings.

"General ma'am," I said with a salute and a crack in my voice.

"Permission to explain—""No need," she said.

"I saw it, wizard and all. We've had eye witness reports these past few months, no official paper trail and recording of it of course — he's a walking jammer."

"He's dead now, ma'am." Next to her, a person rose. It was LT. He was missing all fingers on his left hand, and had a piece of rebar sticking through his chest. Otherwise, he looked fine.

"This is the seventh confirmed kill on the prick," he groaned.

"Bastard just isn't staying dead."

"I… oh no. He's got backup bodies, just like Custodians." Of course, that was why he wasn't afraid to confront me directly! He likely used the Fowl clones' methods to build it, his own little faux Custodian revive system, for himself. And then, a second realization. His soul. That's his weakness. I suppose that's anyone's weakness, but it's the only weakness he can't cover. As long as he has bodies, he's immortal, but I've been hugging ghosts to death since I was six, which means—"I'm a threat.

He's afraid of me, specifically."

"Don't overestimate your value," the LT said. He didn't know what I did.

"With every death he leaves a trail. We've had agents tracking down and destroying his phylacteries — official name for his bodies in storage — scattered across earth for weeks now. You did the lion's share of the work losing him two lives already. Leave the rest to the professionals."

"But… But I am a professional. A professional Custodian. I even leveled a bunch. Look!" The general laughed.

"Maybe. But you're just one part of this killchain. If I told you to run after that bastard until The Fun Place froze over, you'd do it in a heartbeat. At least, that's what your psych eval says. It also says you're the kind to burn out at the worst point in time, and that your deployments to the Cauldron ought to remain strictly voluntary."

"I, uh, with all due respect ma'am, but have you been spying on me?"

"That is classified information," she said through a grin.

"You didn't seem like you knew about me during my reception."

"Theatrics. You've gotta put your foot down when someone lands a giant murder bird right in front of your favorite ice cream truck."

"... sorry." She waved me off.

"Now, following problem: We've been attacked on multiple fronts with overwhelming force, pinning our high-level Custodian quick response teams. Murderbots in the thousands have made it through to earth. I want to know who's available, and I want numbers: casualties, matériel losses, areas secured and still under threat. Then, we counterattack, find where they're breaching the dimensional membrane, and scrap 'em. For every one bot we stop down here we're stopping ten more from getting through topside, back home."

"I can—""You can do many things. Your deployment period is up. Custodian Trigger Happy, you can volunteer for another deployment down here… or you can go up, and kill bots and traitorous wizards all pretty-like for the camera." Translation: Play bait again, but this time where people can see it. With a sudden whoosh and a small dustcloud explosion, a buggy shape returned back to the land of the living. Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

"Woah!" Parsnip said, inspecting her dead body lying just a few feet to the side.

"That was odd. But I liiive!" [Parsnip, Custodian Lvl 1] I also had a baby Custodian to protect. No problem, Samantha, you can do this. Do it right this time. I wrapped her up in a hug. Nobody harmed my friends and lived to see the light of day. Over time, the fighting moved to some place further south. The soldiers and medics that were gathering up all the nearby wounded put the general on a stretcher.

Momma-Bird flapped her wings, picking at shuriken drones that were stuck in between her feathers, and looking happy that she didn't need to protect so many people anymore. Though she didn't seem too miffed by it.

"Many small featherless bipeds," she noted.

"Cute."

"Thanks for helping out." I put an arm on her wing while she preened her chicks.

"Hey, Momma-Bird? Can you do me one last favor and fly us to earth?" She stopped to look at me and bobbed her head before continuing to preen, thus confirming that even in bird language, you could say yes by nodding.

"Alright, Silica, Pol, Parsnip, strap in for one last bumpy ride." +++"This isn't what I had in mind, Momma-Biiird!" The giant heron swooped and swerved up and down through a cold, wet bank of clouds. We breached the top, the unmistakable crown of Mount Everest at our right. Or the crown of any other giant mountain that grew past cloud height, I couldn't tell, and I was busy praying that my silky threads could withstand her sudden high-g maneuvers. Praying, and resticking them to my friends.

"I-I-I'm g-gonna—" Silica said before retching behind herself.

"EW, EW, EW!" Parsnip yelled, well in the splash zone.

"Show some respect, for I, Parsnip, am a newly minted Eeeeee—" Momma bird chose that moment to dive again. Into a cloud we went, and day turned into night, the ground shifting from smaller mountains to the familiar clustered lights of civilization. She's traveling between dimensional wrinkles, but staying on Earth. Hopefully she decides to land in a place with a nearby teleporter station.

"Where sky fish?" Momma-bird asked. I tugged at the strings holding an unconscious Pol in place before crawling up the neck of Momma-Bird.

"We don't have fish in the sky, they're in the ocean." The bird made a bird sound.

"Weird."

"Also, we've got more important things to do. The murderbots are invading Earth, and as a Custodian I — hey, hey, no, don't you dare dive underw—blblblb!" +++ Spidersilk is water-resistant, but not water-proof. This I discovered seven miles out from the nearest shoreline. The silk grew soft and goopy, elastic without structural integrity as it sloughed off of Momma-Bird's back.

She gave me quite a look of disappointment as Nugget, Dumpling, and Hairball plopped into the water, squeaking with delight as they floated around like fuzzy tennis balls.

"THIS IS THE BIGGEST LAKE I HAVE SEEN, IT IS AWESOME!" Parsnip yelled, hopping along Momma-Bird's wings and back, jumping down to lap at the ocean with her tongue before retreating back onto metal.

"IT TASTES AWFUL! MINUS ONE AWESOME POINT!"

"I-I didn't pack any swimming a-apparel," Silica muttered as she dug through her backpack.

"O-or diving gear."

"I have brought extra," Pol said, "You may borrow some of mine, should the need arise."

"People, focus, we can go for a swim later." Even if the water was warm and beautifully blue, and I was so, so very tired, people needed me. Moving with the power of a six-armed breaststroke, I maneuvered around the big bird until I was right up next to her beak.

"Why are we still here and not flying away?"

"Hungry," she said.

"Tired."

"I get that. I really do." I paused to think.

"But realistically, can your kids swim all day? Won't they get tired faster than you? And if you have no nest, where will they go to rest?" Momma-Bird gave me a look as if she was fully expecting me to just glue her children to her back at her convenience. I met her gaze, communicating that no, that would not be happening. She made an insulted chattering dinosaur-like sound. I kept on staring. Eventually, she broke the staring contest.

Dumpling had somehow managed to get stuck with his head under water, little legs kicking in the air. She flipped him over like a ball of takoyaki before returning her attention to me.

"Land. Nest. Rest." We flew, sailing slowly above the waves. Land grew from a hazy blue line on the horizon to green shores, empty beaches, and palms and pines waving in the wind in greeting. I was anticipating setting foot on earthen soil all the way, recharging my many spells as we went. [Illusory double] and my [Trigger]s could be fully recharged in under half an hour, but I'd used three of my four arachnid forms. They each took a day of dedicated charging, at minimum. And I didn't have days to spare.

The first step, of sand between my toes and the buzz of bugs in the air, was exhilarating. It was tropical and peaceful, and as Momma-Bird stalked around looking for a place to nest, a distant voice made her crane her neck.

"Where the hell did that giant fuckoff bird come from?" I froze. I barely recognized that voice, but the tone, that way of talking mixed together with so many subliminal details: the smell of salty air, the humidity, the angle of the sun, all combining into one single realization.

"System, are we on…?"

"Someone get me an ornithologist to — holy shit, Sam!?"

"BECCA!" Like a hug-missile propelled with every positive emotion in existence, I shot in the direction of her voice, impacting something weighty, metal-y, robot-y after three thirty-foot leaps. Hugs ensued.

"Becca! Becca Becca! I'm baaack!"

"Ohmyfuck, you scared the bits and bytes out of me." Staring up at me was what looked like a humanoid body made of gears and pistons, except with an alien CCTV camera for a head.

"New body? Transformation power? Don't tell, I have so much to tell you myself. You're a lot harder to hug in this form, all sharp edges and stiff metal." I giggled and laughed as she returned to her mimic queen form. She was a lot larger now than just a couple months ago. She'd leveled as well.

"You're back?" she asked.

"For real?"

"For double real! And I'm not a murderer. Technically, I am planning a murder, but it's more a hug-assisted euthenasia. Anyways, the pactmaker is still alive, and he's an evil wizard who's going to royally screw us, he's going to kill people, he's going to make Custodians look incompetent unless we somehow manage to—""I know," Becca said.

"We know everything." I blinked.

"I… what?"

"Our brains aren't made of bricks, unlike your girlfriend's one," Orianna said, arriving in moments.

"This beautiful girl over here kept everyone in line. She saved our butts. Now, you didn't bring any mind-eating parasites, macro-viruses, or other such parasites with you from the Cauldron, did you?"

"I, er…" There were a dozen tiny metal balls orbiting her like angry marbles as she looked past the bird.

"I… is that a bug? And another demon? And a goth elf!?" Parsnip waved.

"Hello, yes, I am the great Parsnip, newly minted—" Somewhere in the distance, a blue laser pierced the sky, quickly followed by the dull-sounding whump of the system putting down a convergence dome barrier.

"Alright people, let's save killing the wizard for after we've dealt with this catastrophe. Everyone doing alright? Where's Addy?" Orianna and slime-Becca gave each other a look.

"Addy is… missing. She got really pissed during the hockey game, said something about 'getting that bastard herself', then disappeared. She took your disappearance the worst out of any of us, so be sure to give her lots of hugs and whatever else you two get up to when I'm not looking. I don't know why I'm belaboring this, we have to move. There are murderbots in Paris, and all over Europe right now." Addy. Hold on lil' tanuki, I'll find you right after this intermission. Hah. Murderbots are an intermission.

What a deranged statement. I got to my feet, brushed myself down, and cleared my throat.

"Alright. I'm ready to roll out. And I've brought friends." This time Becca looked past me in turn with Orianna. Parsnip got into a wide-legged power stance, one set of arms on her hips, the other tracing an arc above her head.

"I am Parsnip, named after a radish, my beauty so great, your senses I will ravish, and far and wide, when battle is won, I say with pride—""Is that bug speaking Spanish?" Parsnip flinched before flailing all four arms.

"DO NOT INTERRUPT ME, I AM A CUSTODIAN!" Orianna blinked. Becca blinked in spirit.

"I forgot to introduce you." I grinned, grabbed her by her shoulders, and pushed her forward.

"People, meet Parsnip. She's a Custodian-like individual from a few miles below the front lines. She saved my life, then turned into a Custodian. It's honestly kind of frightening how effective she is without levels. One day she might outscale me." Parsnip preened under my praise.

"Which is why it's imperative that she doesn't come with us right now, since she has no lives." There was an awkward pause. Orianna raised her voice.

"I mean, she is only level 1—""It is not fair! Unjust! Belittling!" Parsnip stamped a claw into the ground, flourishing a pair of heavy cutting blades.

"I can take on hordes of scitterfiends and acid flies. I have experience. I listened to your orders, I can take care of myself."

"You listened up until you tossed my gun at a wizard and got yourself bisected." Her pincers widened, then withdrew, drawing tightly together.

"Someone had to do it," she said sullenly.

"If it appeases you, it is a mistake I won't be repeating." That was when Silica stepped forward, putting a hand on Parsnip's shoulders.

"I-I will ensure she d-does not do anything dangerous." Which meant she wanted to go too. Even though this was supposed to be her vacation. What a great impression of Earth I was giving her. Pol, who'd been watching this all with barely contained laughter, stepped forward. I stopped him with an extended hand.

"Alright! I get it; I don't get to power-of-friendship my way out of some situations and then shelf you whenever convenient. Just… we're going to go out there and fight murderbots. The murder is in the name. Please, just, be careful?" There was muttered assent. I turned back to face Orianna and a smug-feeling Becca. Pride, and its derivative smugness, was an emotion I could feel from this close up, a mixture of joy, trust, and anticipation.

"You've really got making friends down to an artform, don't you?"

"Girl, it's a lifestyle. Now let's gogogo!" We rushed through the forest, Custodians running past in turn towards the teleporter array. An array which was overcrowded with people as the two-dozen phonebooths tried desperately to ferry their payload through as quickly as possible. Becca transformed back into her robot form, her head morphing into a megaphone.

"Orderly lines, everyone," she bleeped.

"Ready to receive comms. Destinations are assigned by local need, capability, and where you come from. Organize by group, then stuff as many people into the teleporters as possible." The throng, more a mob than a collection of individuals, parted and, within moments, there was order among the ranks of the young Custodians. I spied everything from levels 5 to the low 40s among them.

My jaw was hanging as I watched a werebeaver, a vampire, and a pair of twin humans with skin colored pink and blue stuff into a teleporter headed for Nebraska.

"You, I… everything's so orderly. People are mingling, people are listening. How did you do this, Becca?"

"I just built off of the foundation you gave me, expanded the Free Poker League a lil' bit. The idea of Samantha the rebel, Samantha the lone person resisting injustice was the best present you could have left us."

"It's amazing. And probably expensive." Lodges had entire armies of support staff, and the Free Poker League didn't have a slew of contacts to pull from.

"How do you afford all this?"

"We don't," Orianna said.

"The organization is seventeen-hundred soulcoins in debt." My left eyes twitched.

"W-well, ehm, shit."

"I guess the bots couldn't have come at a better time. Time to make some money?"

"Indubidably." Time to make some people happy, and save the world while we were at it. The various groups departed. Silica grabbed Parsnip by the neck, preventing her from sneaking ahead and cutting the line.

"Lives are a-wasting. It is time to, as you say, get that bread." [Assigned destination: Paris]"You all got the same location?" Nods all around.

"Great. If you need something bought, or there's a big enemy you can't take care of, call me. I'll be right around the corner. I've got money, and I'm level 54 now."

"You've been a Custodian for four months—" Orianna's complaints were drowned out as I stepped into the teleporter. Everyone else followed, and shortly after we stepped out right in the middle of Paris. I recognized it by the weird diacritical marks — the little accents over vowels — on the street signs, the smell of coffee, and the fact that a missile was flying straight at us. Pol acted quickly. He drew in a breath and pushed it out, a shield-like dome appearing around us all.

The explosion still shook the air something terrible, but when the dust settled we were alive. The only casualties were the windows of every building within a three-hundred-feet radius. There, above us, a giant metal squid-like monstrosity the size of a skyscraper was busy rampaging down the Champs Élysées. Its surface bristled with guns, sensory antennae, and missile pods, the latter of which spat heat-seeking hellfire in great plumes of smoke at the fighter jets whizzing past in the far distance.

"Ah crap," Becca went.

"It's a motherfucking Kaiju."