Chương 67: Objective: Survive

There were three bugs pointing sharp sticks in my direction. They were pill-bug shaped, with interlocking armor plates covering their backs, and had seven sets of limbs, the front three of which were hooked and clawed for grasping. If I had been standing on the forest floor instead of hanging by my leg from a snare trap, they would have barely reached my hip. Their antennae twitched, searching through the air in confusion. They were adorable.

"I'm very much alive, yes, thanks for checking," I mumbled after the slightly smaller one poked me in the ribs.

"Please don't eat me."

"They probably will," Rico hissed, hiding in my hoodie again.

"They look hungry."

"No they don't. Pillbugs are detritivores. And they look so round and cute. They're friend shaped."

"Their spears very much aren't friend shaped," he hissed.

"And stop talking to them! You have no idea what they'll do if they learn you're from one of the places up above." I looked down at the bugs and did my best quadruple puppydog eyes.

"Please don't eat me?" The bugs paused. The larger one stepped forth.

"Purr-purrease?"

"Oh my god, he's trying to talk." Rico hissed, causing them to take a surprised step back.

"He's not a damn pet <<Lizard native to Faeworld known for its adept mimicry of a variety of sounds>>. He might not even be a he!"

"Oh I'm very sure he's a he."

"Oh, and how would you know?"

"He doesn't have a brood pouch. And secondly, those things down there are his copulatory organs—" Suddenly, there was a loud snort followed by a bassy honk. Birds in the canopy turned still and quiet as the undergrowth burst alive. A massive creature, easily twice the size of an elephant but with the skeletal structure of something between a lizard and a hippo, burst out from the jungle approximately seventy feet behind the pillbugs. The first bug turned around to see what that was, and that was his doom.

He morphed into a round, armored ball fractions of a second later than his friends who, quite rudely, rolled away to the side, leaving him to meet the charge alone. His spear was held in a shaking single hand. It didn't even break skin. Then the thing was on him, brushing past me with the bristly spines on its back. Having snatched the bug in its maw, it reared its rather avian beaked head, trying to crush the little pill bug ball.

He didn't budge which, honestly, implied that his ball shape was ridiculously resilient. The creature struggled for a moment. Then a red sheen ran up its beak. With a sudden, and final crunch, it sheared the pill bug in two pieces.

"Bug friend, no!" The beast turned to face me. Ah crap. Then it charged.

"R-rico cut the dang rope."

"That takes minutes!" he yelled back.

"Aw man, this is going to hurt." I bent my body upward, very much agitating the swelling around my broken arms, and grabbed onto the snare trap. I hoisted myself up onto the tree branch, not losing grip thanks to the power of [Sticky]. Barely on top, I summoned my bazooka and fired it at the big lizard-bird-hippo, using [Echo] for good measure. The bazooka shot two boomerang shots which bounced off the beak of the thing harmlessly. Crap.

Regardless, the monster smashed into the tree I was standing on, which wouldn't have been so bad for my footing if I didn't also have to catch two boomerangs with only three arms available. I nearly fell off, instead summoning body doubles to fall and flee in every direction. The thing didn't even bother going after them. It snarled, slamming its body against the massive tree, trying to shake me down.

Various things fell from high above, included but not limited to: Deadfall, giant leaves, a mushroom, two eggs, some sort of scaled squirrel-thing, and a variety of fruits and flower petals. The thing ate it all, voraciously snapping and scrabbling against the tree with its claws. Meanwhile, I had to dodge all those projectiles, like some deranged anti dance-dance-revolution game.

"Ow, ow, ow!" Finally, its attention fully turned to me. It leapt barely a couple feet and lazily snapped at the branch, cutting through it entirely. I fell. One Moment. Yep. I definitely need to use my gun. I have four shots left in my Lucky 7: Anticipation, disgust, trust, joy. No time to charge anticipation. Trust isn't useful. Joy… what should I be happy about? All that leaves is disgust.

While still in free-fall, I aimed my heavy pistol at the fist-sized eye of the beast and let the image of what would happen if I didn't kill it wash over me. It would catch me, and bite me in half. Then, maybe while still alive, it would swallow me in manageable chunks. Its stomach acid would dissolve me, turning me into a goop of nutrients ready to be absorbed by its intestine. Then, after leeching everything from macronutrients to water from my body, I'd come out the other side as poop. Ekh.

I charged disgust, cast [Echo], and fired. The purple globs of energy hit straight on, popping its left eye. Immediately, the corrosive magic got to work, exposing subcutaneous fat, then the muscles used to move the eyes, then bone, all while the ocular socket turned into a boiling pot of denaturating protein goop. The thing thrashed, screamed, and didn't die. It rampaged more, twisting and turning, smashing trees with its razor-sharp beak that now glowed in the shape of a baleful red axe.

I hit the ground and was forced to crawl, duck, and jump away while the damn branch was still stuck to my leg. One more shot. Dammit. It needs one more. There was only one choice. This big bad bug eater needed to go. And I was looking forward to feasting on its flesh. There was enough anticipation flowing through me now to charge the shot until the entire Lucky 7 was shuddering with power, and with [Arms & Arms Proficiency] I couldn't miss. Wait for it, wait for it… There!

A chest-wide pulse of energy hit the creature straight in the already softened-up eye socket, and out the other side. It didn't freeze mid-charge, nor did it spasm. It simply slumped onto the ground, all muscles relaxed as my shot turned its motor cortex into something between gas and plasma. And that was it. It was dead. Even the system thought as much. Turns out, leveling up was still available in offline mode. [Congratulations! You have reached Level 38] [Body +5, Sense +3, Mind +3, Soul +4, Free Stat Points +1] That thing was worth an entire level on its own? Wow. I slumped against the tree, sighing in relief and pain. That was my first encounter with local megafauna, and it cost me dearly. Only two shots in my Lucky 7 left. Suddenly it didn't feel that lucky to me, more like a doomsday clock. If I stayed in the jungle without a place to hide, rest, and regenerate, I was toast. It had barely been a few hours since I landed here.

Every instinct told me to curl up and wait it out, or die, but what kind of magical girl would I be if I just gave in like that? Maybe I'm not just a bad person, but a bad magical girl too. I failed everybody. I couldn't beat the Pactmaker. I made Addy cry. Of course I'm also a terrible girlfriend. What kind of girlfriend lets herself be kicked down into the hole of no returns? Maybe I'll have to spend my entire life down here sipping aphid juice. Maybe I'll start to enjoy it.

Samantha Rubens, the only Custodian who went from smalltown hero to primitive, degenerate spider person… thing. I'll live in some comfortable corner under a tree, or a hole in a dirty wall and own exactly two things: The fading memory of a different life, and future food wrapped in spider silk. My web gun will last until it breaks at least; it can be reloaded with protein, which implies I either need to find a natural grove of lentils and beans, or I'll need to hunt more than my fair share of—"Waaah!"

a pillbug suddenly cried right next to me. I nearly leapt three feet.

"AHFUCKOHMYGOSH!" On landing, I aimed the pistol at him out of reflex. He immediately disappeared into his ball form.

"I… you scared the crap out of me."

"Crabb," came his muffled voice. A thin chitinous arm slowly emerged from his ball. It poked me once, before immediately flitting back. Is he trying to thank me? Gently, I poked him back.

"Hey. It's alright. I'm not your enemy." A small feeler emerged from the ball to give me a poke and a brush over my face.

"Emeny? Emeny… Viggory!"

"Viggory!" came the victorious cry from the second pillbug nearby. He was holding the front half of his bisected friend in the air. The bisected bug didn't seem too bothered by his current state. He also cried "Viggory!" more vigorously than half a bug ought to. They crowded around my leg, little hands tugging, clasping, touching my clothes almost worship-like. It was a little awkward since they barely reached up to my hip, but I got the message.

"Aww, look, they're celebrating."

"This is ridiculous," Rico muttered.

"They look up to me."" How do you know that's what they're doing instead of trying to catch you in another snare trap?"

"Please, Rico, they're better than that. And besides, they're underdogs in this jungle, I'm an underdog in this jungle. We both have eight limbs. Look at how much we have in common!" He looked down at the bugs busily cleaning the gore off of my pants.

"Sure. Whatever. Play with bugs, see if you don't get bit."

"Oh, don't be a party pooper now. Methinks you don't like bugs."

"I don't like these types of bugs because… whatever. You'll see." Once they were done, one of them made a chirping sound. They immediately walked up to the dead beast and, barely checking that it was truly dead, took out little knives and began carving it to pieces.

"They're quite adept with their little hands and knives," I said, happily charging spells in the background. That was an awful lot of blood though. I licked my lips. Maybe a little bite couldn't hurt. I stalked up to the corpse. It was still warm, warm enough that vampire and spider instincts said it was a-okay to consume. Except, I'd never drunk from a whole creature before. I was a civilized spider reared on donated blood packs. I didn't even have a straw. So do I just bite into it and — oh.

My teeth sunk in with a pop. They dug deep, but there was so much skin and tissue to get past, I wasn't tasting any blood yet. So I pushed my face in there more and more until finally… Oh! Yeah, that's the good stuff. Eff me, I can feel myself getting better by the sip. Bloody gory goodness. Beautacious bloodcells. The bloodletting went on. And on. And on. I closed my eyes and sighed in bliss. Hunger was winning out over reason, and it felt so good I could barely hide a moan.

When I opened my eyes, the bugs were staring at me. Oh god. With a pop and a smack, I pulled my face from the creature's carotid artery.

"I, uh." I cleared my throat, licking my lips.

"I'm a friendly girl spider vampire. No worries." The bugs just gave me a stare. They clicked and clacked something to each other, which I just now realized wasn't the sound of their joints, but was actually their language. Mortified, I sat down a ways away, hiding my face between my arms and knees.

"That was so embarrassing." Rico's head popped in from between my thighs.

"Looks like it felt good to let loose, eh?"

"I'm becoming feral. It's happening so fast. It's only a matter of time until I hiss at someone." This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

"And that's a bad thing?"

"Of course it is! I'm a Custodian, I'm not supposed to scare people!"

"But you run on emotions."

"Only some. It wouldn't be right to incite fear, or disgust, o-or… I dunno." I hugged myself tighter.

"I just feel like I'm getting further away from what it means to be a magical girl with every day I try. Magical girls don't shoot people in the face just because they abducted their girlfriend, right Rico? Rico?" I looked up, and saw that in flexing tense muscles, I was currently guillotining him between my legs. I unclenched them and he fell on the floor, coughing.

"Oh god, I am so, so sorry." A wisp of fae magic went from him to me.

"Are you alright? I didn't break your spine, did I?"

"I'll live," he wheezed, massaging his throat.

"Do that a few more times and I'll be a free pixie,""I'm not going to torture you. I'm not that bad."

"Now you're just asking for it," Rico grumbled. I hummed in thought as the bugs dissected the beast in the background.

"Come to think of it, ending up in this place might actually have an upside. I'm probably going to be in mortal danger a lot in the future. That means you'll have plenty of chances to pay off your fae debt."

"Assuming you don't do something stupid, like send me to my death, or teleport me seventeen-hundred <<fae unit for measuring everyday distances>> further down."

"I'm sorry. You're in your right to be mad, and if my optimism is getting annoying, I'm sorry for that too." I sighed, letting the weight of everything sag my shoulders just a little.

"It's hard staying cheerful just for your own sake." He raised an eyebrow.

"Your sappy happiness is a performance?"

"No, it's just… if I'm not making people happy, what's the point of being a magical girl? Without that, I'm just a chimera wielding warcrime-levels of violence and I… I can't be a weapon. I couldn't live with myself if I was. So I try, I try to be as magical as a trigger pull and a quip can be, because if I can't convince anyone that I'm more than just a collection of extra parts, how can I convince myself?"

"What a roundabout way to say that you're a chronic people-pleaser," Rico drawled.

"You know, everyone can feel when you're trying to get into their good graces. It actually turns them off." I sagged a little bit more in on myself.

"Oh, well. Guess I'm not charging [Arms & Arms Proficiency] anymore for today, haha." What was I even doing down here? I was supposed to be up there, in The Academy, learning and goofing off with Addy. Whispered promises, daring escapades, shared joy, anger, love, and everything between and without. But here I was, watching bugs dissect some huge-ass critter that had almost killed me, unsure if my friends were safe. I didn't even know if the pactmaker was dead, just that he was swallowed by a kaiju a la Moby Dick.

"I think I miss my girlfriend." +++ It took the pillbugs only a couple minutes to make away with some prime parts of the beast: They carried the liver, an eyeball, and a piece of sirloin strapped to their backs with the same thread that had snared me twice today. It stood to reason that staying any longer would risk competing with scavengers and other carnivores. However, the smaller bug managed to pluck one of the front claws from the beast's left forefoot.

It was wickedly curved and easily weighed twenty pounds, a fact which I was made aware of since the little guy was asking me to carry it.

"For me?"

"Viggory!" he cried, shaking his upper two hands in elation.

"Spoils. For the victor. Thank you." Not sure what I was supposed to do with this trophy, but it was a nice gesture. From there, with the bird song returning and taking on a different note, they moved into the underbrush, waiting for a moment to see if I was going to follow after. And I did, disregarding Rico's annoyed grumbling. We moved swiftly, though not very quietly. Two times we had to stop as the leader of the trio spotted something ahead that might cause trouble.

One time it was a column of ants, forcing us to take a long detour. The other time, the fine crunch of layers of chitin from long dead kin warned us of a nearby nest of drop-wasps. These ones had settled in front of a small hill, and getting past them seemed to provide much more of a challenge for my guides. They were undecided, and argued frequently.

"I can distract them." I did a flourish of my hand, which they didn't quite understand.

"Gimme a second." I sent as many body doubles as I could hobbling through the field. Immediately, three wasps detached from above and chased after them, disappearing into the jungle. I did this a couple more times, until the final three waves didn't even cause a twitch in the canopy.

"Okay. We can go now," I hissed. The pillbugs rattled eagerly, bobbing their heads in what I thought might be a sign of joy.

"Oggey." The hill which the wasps were protecting turned out to be hollow, or nearly so. Behind a well-hidden latch made of sown-together wood, leaves, and bark, a series of dank tunnels wound their way through the soggy jungle underground. If this jungle was anything like the amazon, then constant rainfall would have washed away stone, leaving nutrient-deprived soil stretching down for nearly a hundred feet. You'd think that meant that this tunnel was geologically unstable.

However, the earth was thick and loamy, with walls that were reinforced by wooden struts, chitinous plates, and more of that nigh-indestructible rope stuff. I had an inkling as to what the rope stuff was, but withheld any definitive judgment. I was tired, in pain, and seriously considering just sitting down and taking a nap right here. After a good long while of ups and downs, the snaking tunnel opened up.

I stepped out into a dim light that nonetheless was all too bright, and my jaw nearly dropped all the way to the floor. In front of me was a cavern covered in small scintillating stars along the ceiling, every inch between here and there filled with the chittering of bugs at work. They were walking on wooden bridges, and on silky nets, climbing up ropes and disappearing in and out of holes. There were many shapes and sizes, no two looking alike.

Some wore scraps of cloth as clothes, others had plates of wood or dried chitin layered over natural chitin, but nearly all of them had decorated at least one visible part of themselves. Shells were inscribed, painted, embossed, carved, and beads and shells hung on bracelets and necklaces. One particular bug had a cone-shaped hat made of bleached bone that was half as tall as it was, and hooked backwards at the top with a small bell attached. It tingled with every one of its self-important steps.

It wasn't just the insects that were diverse. Every building was like a puzzle piece slotted into a too-cramped nook, but from each nook there sprouted a flower, a carved figurine, or a splash of color in the shape of a mandala. The architecture seemed to pride itself on being what it was with such surety it almost made me believe this place had existed for eons, and would certainly exist for eons yet.

"That's a lot of bugs," Rico muttered, barely peeking out of my torn hoody.

"It's beautiful. Amazing."

"Uumazing, Uumazing!" the pillbug that had been cut in half sung, wiggling its upper arms. Immediately, I felt overcome with guilt again, though I tried not to show it. I gave him a wave and a smile. He waved back. What a trooper. Suddenly, there was a commotion up ahead. All the bugs stirred. Stalls were moved to the side and heads peeked out of windows in blank anticipation. There came an insect that looked like a mantis, except without its scything forward limbs.

It moved with such grace I couldn't help but watch its dance. In one hand it held a decapitated beast's head as large as its chest, in the other it flourished a wickedly curved blade twice as long. With every leap and dash, gossamer robes flowed in waves, and rings of metal clattered melodically against each other, ringing like a triangle long after being struck. The bug danced past us with a hypnotizing twirl and a chirp which only the two pillbugs answered with chirps of their own.

The rest of the bugs were silent for a while even after it passed, though I should say they. They were all very smart bugs indeed, and not at all comparable with the ones I knew from my childhood fascination with entomological books.

"What was that all about?" I asked.

"You're asking me," said Rico.

"Do I look like someone wise in the ways of interpretative insect dance?" I gave him a look, staring at his whiteless eyes and the tiny fairy wings on his back.

"Well, you are very small."

"Oh pshh." He made a rude gesture.

"I'm ten times the pixie you are."

"No contest there." Meanwhile, the one-bug procession had passed, and the various bugs returning to their lives. The pillbugs moved ahead, trading bits of meat at a vendor for balls of what was hopefully chocolate, balls which were the size of my head. The vendor bug, with a long neck reminding me of a giraffe weevil, turned to me, four arms gesticulating wildly.

"I don't speak bug, sorry." He chittered, pointing roughly at my liver. The one in my hands, not the other one. Then he offered a chocolate ball five times the size of the previous one.

"I-I'm also on a diet. Sorry, very sorry." He clicked his mandibles, his excited hands retreating inwards, and bobbed his head. I bobbed mine back. He bobbed again.

"I think I just learned how to say 'thank you' in bug," I whispered to Rico after we left the vendor weevil behind.

"Oh god, they're communicating," Rico said.

"I don't know what disturbs me more: That I'm not surprised, or that it seems to be working."

"Friendship is a universal language."

"Tell that to the parasitic, invisible, egg-laying wasps."

"I'm sure they have at least one other wasp friend." Even if I was highly doubtful that a creature as heinous as a wasp was capable of anything but the highest degree of malice.

"On second thought, maybe their brains aren't wired that way. As opposed to the other bugs all around, which are evidently communal."

"Who died and made you an expert?"

"Me. I died. Multiple times in fact. And between then and now, I read a lot of books. Now stop being a party pooper and enjoy the sights." After a while of walking through the city, craning my neck here and there until it hurt, my pillbug escort came to a stop in a quieter subsection of the cave. Gone was the bustle of an entire civilization, gone were the houses and home-holes pockmarking the walls.

In their stead the walls were blank stone, a number of what looked like orange fireflies caught in glass bubbles lighting a field of hip-height moss that stretched for the thousand foot diameter of the cave. There, at the end of the field stood a large structure, a wooden marvel decorated in scale-like shingles, pillars made of bone supporting an entrance that looked less like a door and more like the open maw of some slumbering beast.

One of the pillbugs rang a bell, its tinny din echoing for what felt like eternity. Slowly, the front doors creaked open. Out of the dark esophagus there stepped the bug we had seen before, the humanoid mantis that had danced with a severed head in one hand. Their bangles and decorative rings were missing. If anything, in this half-light its carapace shone less. They seemed tired, as tired as a bug could be. The two pillbugs were ecstatic of course.

They jumped up and down, presenting their trophies and waving their spears wildly above their heads. The bug seemed shocked.

"Screek!" went the bug, pointing and gesturing at the pillbugs, "Screek, creak, tik-tikki-tik-pop—" It paused upon noticing me just standing there, huge liver dripping in my hands.

"Ah, er. Francais?" I blinked. That didn't sound like bug language.

"What?"

"Tiếng Việt? Kreyòl? Español?" the bug chattered,"Español — Spanish!" Dammit, languages were my one weakness. I never put in more than the minimum amount of effort necessary to get by in Spanish classes. Damn you, lazy past me!

"English, can you speak English?"

"Angulish? Enn-guull-iash?" The bug made a few more clicks and clacks. This was leading nowhere.

"System, translate." [Two-way translation pack for English-Spanish. Price: 1 Soulcoin] Really? The system's survival mode had microtransactions? I suppose this adds to the theory that the system has many already installed functions blocked by soulcoin costs.

"Buy. Translate." [Translating]"Hello," I said. My mouth moved, but instead of English, the word that left my lips was "Hola". Woah that feels weird. The giant mantis-like bug tilted its head. Its next words sounded Spanish, but in some part in my mind were automatically translated into common English.

"You can understand me? What effervescent joy! Welcome to the Lodge of Hunters and Huntresses." It clapped its upper pair of hands together. Then it took a step back, dropping into a theatrical bow.

"From huntress to huntress, Pom-Pom greets thee." After a moment of just staring, mouth agape, I quickly imitated its bow.

"I, er, too greet thee. I'm Sam."

"I see that you have escorted my lovely helpers out of whatever trouble they have maneuvered themselves into again. Shenanigans! Snick-snatch! Look at what you have done to your egg sibling." The cheering pillbugs stopped, looked to the upper half of their brother who was still happily waving his arms around, and had the good decency to turn into small balls of shame. The mantis-bug clacked its jaws.

"You are being grubbish. Get up and look your mistakes in the eye, or I am getting the ice water." The pillbugs shivered with clattering chitin. But eventually they unfurled, looked at each other with drooping antennae, then ferried their trophies and their egg sibling into the building.

"Tenfold apologies. The little ones are of unintelligent stock. Their capability of critical thought frequently clashes with their inability to apply it when they feel encouraged by their fellows."

"That's a rude way of saying they suffer from group think."

"Perhaps I am being snippish. I have had a long day." A twinge of pain ran up my missing arm. As have I.

"So. They brought you to me. Why exactly?" I held up my giant liver. She walked down the stairs in front of me, cut a tip off with two sharp knife-fingers on her lower set of arms, and gave it a taste.

"A mighty kill." Her tongue flicked out to lick some spilled blood from my arm.

"... you are soft-skinned. But you are blessed with eightfold eyes and appendages. But you grow thick and thin in odd places. Five fingers, a nose-hump, a mouth like an old cut-open wound… Are you, perhaps, what they call a human?" I shivered and nodded ever so slowly.

"Truly? Truly!? Oh, what rapturous joy! Let us sing and dance all day. Ah, but propriety first. Come, I can offer you rest and shelter."

"Oh yes, follow the carnivorous mantis into her stupid mantis hole," Rico whispered.

"Whatever will go wrong?" The inside of the big structure was surprisingly spacious. Mats of reed and linen were neatly rolled up above a wooden floor. The sandy ground on an internal courtyard was decorated with rocks and a series of small potted plants. The chitinous armor of bugs stood proudly in regal poses, variably placed next to or under the stuffed heads of a variety of creatures hanging from the wall. The bug had introduced itself… herself? Herself as a huntress. And this certainly looked like her lair.

"Tea?" the bug asked, two hands already snatching a clay pot.

"You look thirsty. Or perhaps you don't! It is hard to tell. Apologies if I was being presumptuous."

"I, uh — no, no need to apologize. I am thirsty, and would like some tea." She did an artful flourish and a bow before disappearing out back. I settled down on a silky-smooth cushion, and inspected a piece of armor nearby. On closer look, it wasn't actually armor. The plates of chitin were thin and light, yet the way they fit into each other implied they weren't clothes, but the outer layer of a bug. A mummified bug exoskeleton.

"I'll admit, this is a bit unnerving," I muttered, to which Rico popped back out of my hoodie.

"See? See!? You've entered the lair of a black widow. She's going to suck you dry and use your skin as an apron!"

"Don't be silly, mantises don't suck blood. They just eat their prey alive." Rico gave me a look.

"Alright, alright, you have a point. I'll be careful. From here on out we can sleep in shifts. Anything else I should be aware of?"

"... Don't get too attached to them. Nothing lives long down here." At that moment, the huntress who called herself Pom-Pom returned.

"I am out of sweet aphid tea, so an herbal one will have to suffice." It was cold, tasting of something between pine, mint, and… grass. A hint of dirt. Briefly, I waited for the system to notify me that I was being poisoned. Alas, my host was not the type to poison someone, which was definitely a plus in my book. She did seem to enjoy watching me drink though.

"You like it?" she asked. I cleared my throat.

"When I fell several miles, I didn't expect to end up being served tea. It's good." Given circumstances. Her head bobbed happily.

"I have heard your kind enjoy the solutions of various plant matters in water. Such a queer habit! Say, is it a ritual, a performative act? Do you believe that through consumption of aromatics you too will become fair smelling? Or perhaps, is it something religious?" The enthusiastic mantis was leaning forward, invading my personal space while supported on her four frontal limbs. From this close, I noted that her mandibles were less like knives and more like a hydraulic shear.

She could cut through bone if she wanted to, no doubt. Slowly, I pushed her a few inches back.

"Before I start answering anything, could we take a step back please? I was dropped from the sky, was attacked by a giant bird and then some lizard-bird-hippo thing, then led here by some bugs who very clearly couldn't speak Spanish."

"Ah." She visibly deflated, retreating onto her own cushion, lapping at her tea with nervousness.

"Well. Certainly, I am not the only one who has had a hard day." She produced a box and placed it down in front of me. It was filled with clutter, neatly ordered yet useless things.

"These are all artifacts that fell from the place far above, gathered under great danger by my forebears and I." I picked up a football glove. Wilson. A 2000. There was a CD as well of some movie from the 2000s. One of a pair of karaoke microphones. Various plastic bags. And issue 28 of Dragonball, a spanish translation.

"Amazing," I said, my enthusiasm somewhat dampened by the knowledge that the trash of humanity didn't leave this place untouched.

"You can read this?" I asked.

"The language I am proud of learning, for it was sung to me when I was but a nymph."

"I see. So, you're a huntress. As in… a treasure huntress?" She shook her head.

"It is but a hobby, passed down much like my true purpose." Pom-Pom sat there, kneeling, looking to the world like a dramatic figure cut from stone.

"And that purpose is…?"

"Only the noblest cause." Suddenly, with the deftness only someone with more than two legs could muster, she shot to her feet.

"Welcome to Bugsrest, a home to all." She took a step back, then performed a half-pirouette.

"A silken crib, for big and small - yet there it comes." Pom-Pom stopped, arms spread and head circling in place.

"Doom."

"From up on high there came the sky, filled with birds and snapping jaws; from down below there came the fish, snapping open wide their gaping maws. Lizards of pain, bugs of metal, round soft things that steal your grubs at night, the lying fae, the burning eye, our greatest sin, plants." She stumbled back, pushed into a wall, threatening empty air with claws and open pincers.

"And yet, from greatest doom was born the greatest hero. Herculor, the Beetle of Infinite Strength, Amethyst, She-of-a-thousand-soldiers, Bababooie, One Drop Sting. Ad infinitum the web spins, as strength of honored dead grows and hones itself, until it meets the present, and becomes I…" She struck a pose, made a piece sign with one hand, and various victorious poses with all the other ones.

"Super special magical heart-throb huntress girl, Pom-Pom!" I sat there, mouth agape and tea spilling down my chin. No. Freaking. Way. The bugs have a magical girl.