Chương 58: Sleepwalk

"Woah." I stood up, and still the ceiling seemed far away. Too far away. Every proportion was off. What did it remind me of exactly, what was it… ah, yes! There was this old movie, like, really old. You probably never heard of it. It was called… The Lorax! Yes, that was the one. Everything looked like it was cut out of that cult classic movie. Nobody knows about the secrets of the Lorax, nobody except I, the great cultural connoisseur, and Addy, who just likes old media.

To put it simply, the doors were too far and non-rectangular, the colors were garish, and every line and corner seemed to actively eschew the concept of a rectangle.

"You really outdid yourself, didn't you?" I said as Moe waddled past a small bathroom with an 'out of order' sign hanging on it.

"I like the, er, attention to detail." Yet, he didn't urge me inside just to celebrate a housewarming party. Presumably, whatever was making that distant racket was the real reason. Oh god, I forgot to check on the fairy today. The sounds of banging and swearing were loud now as I reached for the living room door and pushed it open. There was only one word with which to describe the scene that met my four frontal eyes: Pandemonium. Pure and utter pandemonium. The couch was torn.

The pictures frames were at disparate angles and flipped around. The plants. Oh god, the plants! Before I could appreciate the… artistic endeavors of whoever thought chlorophyll was a good pigment, a red, bullet-sized something zipped through the air and hit me straight in the chest, knocking the air out of me. Oof! Was that— The red glow buzzed with an angry chord and a warcry, bouncing off of every wall, tearing tapestry and carpet wherever it impacted.

"Mo! Mo-ho!" Moe screamed in despair as it made for a pretty vase. And, like the petty little creature it was, it gave the vase a good kick as it flew past. The vase hadn't even been in the way. I lunged, grabbing the vase through my roll, placing it on the floor, and gunning it after this goddamn stupid fairy. It didn't even apologize! So rude. The streak of red was laughing, or what I thought might pass for a laugh, as it jittered towards the kitchen.

The moment I arrived, good china was already flying right at me. Catch. Catch. Catch. Place on counter. Catch. Catch. Catch. Then came the fairy itself. I swatted at it, which it dodged, then sent body doubles after it, which it ignored. Manic laughter filled the air as it flew circles around me. This was the first time that I had to contend with something faster than me. Fast, but predictable. All I need is One Moment. The streak of red turned into a conical-shaped glow surrounding a tiny puppet-like body.

I had six pots in my hands at the ready, some which had been in cupboards, some which had been standing around. I swiped as fast as I could with the first, vertically — missed. Then with the second, horizontally — also missed. The third one forced it to swerve to the left, and it dodged the fourth one too — but this one was filled with water. The sudden wall of liquid made it flinch for just a moment. Two pots slammed around the little trickster with a bang. Did I get him?

There was a metallic rattling sound coming from inside. Definitely caught him. The rattling grew louder. Was he gaining speed by ricocheting off walls? He was, definitely. It was already getting hard to hold the pots with two hands. But I had four more and if that wasn't enough… I sat on the pots, daring him to hit it hard enough to lift me off my butt. It took a good ten minutes until the rhythmic banging stopped. Slowly, I lifted the lid. Something moved. Ah-hah!

Tired from the constant high-speed movement, the fairy didn't have the energy to escape me this time. I caught him with a [Sticky] swat, making sure not to crush his gossamer wings or smack it into a wall. The little red-skinned thing was panting heavily, though that didn't keep him from sinking his needle-teeth into my thumb. Ow.

"Stop that." I gave his forehead a flick. Just a tiny one. His head snapped back, eyes cross-eyed.

"Oh god, please don't tell me I gave you a concussion." Then he began shivering. Why, I had no clue. But words were burbling from his mouth. The language sounded like an alien song meant to lull you to sleep.

"System, translation?" [Translating: Late Verdant. Free language package brought to you by ZoomZoom. ZoomZoom, the only true choice, for you.] If you're going to put an ad there, at least tell me what the heck you're trying to sell. The software activated and within moments I was bombarded by a tiny, shrill voice filled with violence.

"The pain! The metal! So tight, everything screwed so tight… the pain!"

"Sorry, sorry, am I holding you too tight?" The fairy moaned and cried out.

"The pain! Scales… I WILL TURN YOUR SKIN INTO AN ARTS AND CRAFTS PROJECT — oooh, the pain…" He didn't seem to be looking at me, or anything in the room. His yellow eyes on black sclera twitched madly, flitting about without direction. I, uh… what? Violent fairy PTSD? Oh god, not another one.

"Hey, hey little guy, it's ok." I fished out a box of tissue papers and gently wrapped him into triple-layered extra softness. The fairy sighed. Slowly, he began to calm down. Curiously, the color of his aura and even his skin shifted to a deep blue. Just a moment ago he had been tearing through the house. And now the little pixie thing was just lying there, motionlessly, staring at the ceiling.

"You good?" I asked. He didn't answer. I poked him, to which he just groaned pitifully. This was a grade A emergency.

"Can I have your name?" I asked. Slowly, the fairy turned its head to me. Then he burst out laughing. He laughed and laughed, and giggled too, all in a high-pitch voice that reminded me of a witch's laugh but sped up. The aura around him turned a bright yellow, though with a tinge of red.

"I-I can't believe it. I can't! The oldest trick in the book and you think I — think it'll work on me? I-I can't, sorry, I just… give me a moment." The fairy breathed in and out.

"I owe a life debt to a naive idiot. Bwahaha!" I glared at the little bouncing marshmallow until he was all out of laughs and chuckles.

"I might be naive, but I'm not an idiot. That was pretty rude. Also, what does that imply, that life debt?"

"It means I have to answer every question you pose — fuck! See?" The fairy giggled, crinkling its yellow-in-black eyes.

"Lucky you. You own a fairy now. Happy?"

"Not really." I sighed.

"I don't really want to own anyone. Can't I just… take you to your natural habitat and set you free?"

"Not how that works, not how any of this works. Dammit. Dammit! First I get ambushed in my home forest, then my master gets her soul flayed — lucky, I thought I was — and now, now I'm stuck on e-arth, in the hands of some dumb, stupid… what the heck are you even?"

"Magical Girl Spider Vampire Thing." I extended a finger for the little thing to shake.

"I'm Samantha, Custodian of Earth." It recoiled as if I'd just sprayed it with an eyeful of insect repellant, pressing its back against a coffee mug.

"Soulstealer. Lifetaker. Thief, thief, thief!"

"I prefer the term magical girl."

"Do you steal girls too?"

"Only their hearts."

"A smooth talker! I bet you do. I bet you prefer to call convergence events 'friendly handshakes' too, o-or serial abductions 'cultural exchanges'."

"What do you mean? We don't abduct people from other planets." He paused.

"You don't? When you said you stole their hearts, you didn't mean, like, carve it from their chest?"

"... why would I do that?"

"For magic! To play around in the gore! I dunno, you Custodians are insane monsters beyond the ken of mere pixies like me." Now that was a gross mischaracterization.

"I mean, we're more a desperate self-defense force of Earth. We kinda just fight mimics, murder bots, and whatever hellish creation the lizards stuck you into."

"No way, there is no… you actually think that?" The fairy — pixie — relaxed slightly, sitting down cross-legged.

"Huh. One of us is being lied to. And it's not me considering I'm the awesomest fairy around."

"Humanity didn't invent misinformation." They did forget to mention that pixies had fluffy little antennae though, like a moth, and a similar amount of fuzz around their necks. If he's stuck with me for the time being, then I wish I could make him like me even a little bit. Time to see if the ol' trick still works. I grabbed a bit of strawberry candy and placed it in front of the pixie. It was larger than his entire torso.

The pixie's eyes widened, and he crawled out of his tissue cocoon like a butterfly emerging from primordial goop. His gaze flicked between me and the candy as he took a peak beneath the wrappers.

"You're trying to bribe me. With soft candy. You don't need to, you already own me."

"Not really?" I tilted my head.

"I mean, I just wanted to give you something nice. You went through a lot. I can empathize." We shared a long wordless stare. Slowly, the fairy unwrapped the chewy red treat. It seemed wary, as if the candy might bite it.

"I can have this? All for me?" I nodded excitedly.

"We're friends now." I offered a finger again. The pixie took a big bite of the candy, cheeks bulging like a hamster. It eyed the finger for a while, then swallowed, taking it in one hand and shook it.

"If it makes you feel better." Success! Or, well, no, surface-level success. This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

"So, you think I own you by some weird fae law—""—magic—""— or the more binding variant, right. Shit. I, er, would like to give you as much freedom as possible while we figure out this whole… situation."

"Can I gouge your eyes out and use the dried lenses as pudding bowls?" Shock. Horror. Confusion.

"What? No, of course not." The pixie snorted.

"Killjoy."

"Would you have done that, if you weren't under some sort of compulsion?"

"Maybe." It grinned, sticky red candy covering the insides of its mouth as it chewed loudly.

"I'm a crimson fairy.

'S kinda what I do. Verdant fairies might grow grass inside your shoes. I'm fed by the kind of whimsy that includes rusty nails and razor blades." I swallowed heavily. Crimson fairies. Incredibly violent. But they like sweets all the same. Good to know.

"Well, as long as you're bound to me you're free to do what you want as long as it isn't harmful." Barely had I spoken those words before a puff of translucent smoke left my mouth and bound itself to him. He strained against an invisible constraint.

"Oh god, uh, sorry, did that just—""Add another rule to our relationship?" he grinned, though nervously this time.

"Ngh. I stand corrected. You're not a Killjoy, you're just an ass."" Rude." More smoke. Crap.

"I… sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel constrained." He blinked.

"That lessened the strain. Huh. You really mean that, don't you?" I blinked at him.

"I mean, yeah? If you're going to be bound to my every word, the least I can do is make it as painless as possible. Why, does honesty change the meaning of the words?"

"Honesty is power," he said.

"Lies are flexible. They're also less comfortable to wear."

"So, you can feel it on you, like a weight? Can you feel the weight of fae magic on other people as well?" He nodded vigorously.

"And wait, why can I even use this type of magic? Is it because I'm talking to a fae?" He nodded.

"That's the downside. It's a two-way street. Welcome to fae magic, haha!"

"If I want to take the restriction back, can I…?"

"Nope! Suppose I'm a pacifist pixie of violence now," he said.

"The past is past, the future comes fast; no choice but to move on. Onwards, Killjoy." I definitely need to review what I know about fae culture. Crimson fae came from the crimson forest and were all about passion, or so the books claimed. Fae seemed to have a strong connection to the place they were born in, the magic within the earth actively shaping what they looked like and how they acted. Apparently I had a pixie familiar now and hey, wasn't that just a nice way of saying 'indentured servant'?

Videogames always made it out to be some sort of symbiotic relationship. While I was absolutely going to defend my little pixie friend against the world, I was under no illusion about whom the balance of power favored. I should give him a wage, for starters. I was in the middle of cleaning up some of the mess he'd left behind when I broached yet another important topic.

"So, pixie. I feel like I should give you a nickname so I don't have to refer to you as 'you' or 'pixie'."

"If it makes you happy."

"I'll go with… Rico. Since you love ricocheting." He blinked at me before settling on my head.

"Knock yourself out. And grow out your hair some more, I can barely hold onto it."

"W-wow, rude." Another wisp of binding fairy magic traveled between us. Dangit, I wanted to bind him less to me, not more!

"I'll have you know my girlfriend loves my short hair. In fact, this is a special style we call a pixie haircut." He fluffed some of my hair.

"In that case, it is great, and you should let it remain as perfect as it is now. I know a swamp hag that can freeze your body in time forever in exchange for your three closest loved ones." I snorted.

"Wait, you're serious?"

"Yah, hags are pricey like that, but it would toootally be worth it. Believe me."

"No, I mean like…" Are loved ones just currency in faeland? Wait, how do inter-fae relationships even work? Gah, I know way too little about any of this to be so confidently befriending a pixie!

"I don't think you can put a price on people like that."

"I beg to differ." This was going to be a swell relationship. Familiarship. Whatever. I harumphed at him.

"You haven't met Addy. Or my Mom, Dad, and Sister. They're all priceless."

"Psh. Guess you'll never find out if that's true."

"I'll have you know, the day that my mother was diagnosed with an incurable eye condition, you know what she asked the doctor: 'Is it heritable'? Not 'can it be cured' or 'how long until I go blind'. Her first concern was me and my sister. She is awesome." There was a long pause, interrupted occasionally by the rustle of trash bags. Rico made no attempt to help.

"My mother used me as an improvised projectile to get back at her rivals."

"I… Oh my god, I am so sorry."" Apology accepted," he said happily and for a moment, it felt like a miniscule amount of weight left my shoulder.

"It was fun though."

"Oh. Huh. Was it effective?" God, I sound like Addy. The fairy smirked.

"She no longer has any rivals. I am in fact great at go-fast magic, and bounce magic. I am special, which is why I was sent on an important mission. Which I failed at and, and…"

"What were you doing inside that lizard mech?"

"I was on the hunt… a strange planet. Twisted, metal earth. Spires and factories, far as <<a distance between two prominent mountains, stretching beyond the horizon>>. The air was angry at us, dusty and so, so angry." Its eyes narrowed.

"What does it matter to you?"

"I dunno. I… have been having weird dreams." Dreams filled with distant planets and whispers and promises of change. Alien places I'd never seen before. The Academy was built near a dimensional anomaly, and I'd always blamed it on that. But today it seemed like more of a premonition.

"Since The Society and fae have diplomatic relations, I thought that maybe I could send you back home."

"Yeah, and let me get crucified? No thanks."

"What?"

"I… sorta got a bit too violent during a wild hunt and bit a minor lord's face off." Rico took flight, buzzing and flying backwards with his hands behind his head.

"But I'm not worried. You'll protect me, right? That's what friends are for, after all!" Oh great, what did I just get myself into? I sighed, depositing the last of the shattered plates and cups into a plastic bag. It was mostly me and Moe cleaning up. Rico decided that his time was best used ordering me around, or pretending to direct me by pulling my hair, like in that one Ratatouille movie. Good movie. Thanks for the recommendation, Addy.

"Rico, don't you think you should help a bit, given that you caused every piece of damage here?" A small fairy head popped up at the top of my vision.

"You told me I'm free to do what I want, as long as it isn't harmful. So there. Heeyaah!" He tugged my hair like horse reins. I grabbed the trash bag and looked about. This house inside my backpack was so whimsical, and yet now it was banged up. It was heartbreaking, and I'd just seen it for the first time. Moe spent so much time working on it. A single tear hung from his eyes. Okay, that's enough. I grabbed the damn pixie, to much cussing and biting. I glared at him, then shoved him down at Moe's eye level.

"Look what you did to him. Apologize." Rico grinned, even as the invisible snakes of fae magic wound its way around his throat.

"Heh. What if I don't — aaah! Not the cheeks, not the cheeks!" I stretched his cheek out. Remarkably stretchy, for such a little guy. As if he was made of rubber.

"Apologize or I'll force feed you a licorice spiral. An entire licorice spiral."

"Not licorice! Please please please, mercy!" I placed him in front of Moe, who was arguably almost twice as tall as he was. Compared to the twiggy pixie, he might as well have been a giant.

"Well?

"Sorry."

"For?"

"For causing wanton destruction and emotional despair. There, happy?"

"That sounded awfully rehearsed. But I'll allow it." I hummed thoughtfully. His cheeks were awfully stretchy.

"Hey, odd question: Do you know about Tentacle-Faced Spider Mooses?"

"Yesh," he said, cheeks stretched wide.

"They're native to the crimson forest."

"So you have its power because…?"

"Because I cheated one at a card game. There, happy?"

"I suppose I require an explanation?" He huffed.

"Our animals aren't as dumb as yours. They can hold a conversation just fine, but they're terrible at bluffing. Hooved animals always drop their cards at least once per game. They're total suckers."

"I… huh." That was the most normal pixie behavior yet.

"Alright. I forgive you for tearing up my backpack. Not so sure about Moe though, but you'll have time to make it up to him. Welcome aboard." I checked the clock. Two more hours until daytime classes started. So much time, so much time. I suppose I can look into some Fae histories and codices today before class. And some eating habits. Subsisting off of refined sugar drops the size of your body can't be healthy— Partway through crawling out of the backpack, a pair of hands tugged at the collar of my baggy t-shirt.

"Psst! Killjoy!" Rico pointed into the dark common room, at a shadow I would have overlooked purely by being distracted with too many other things already. The shadow moved. Slowly, then faster, approaching a casual walk. I heard the faintest creak as it disappeared through a solid door. A moment later I noticed Addy walk out, and accompanying her was a thing that looked just like me. Addy's eyes were clouded and focused on something in the distance.

I wanted to climb out of my backpack and grab her away from the damn thing. Rico hissed in my ear.

"I will tell you this once, Killjoy, that if you let that thing see you, you won't find out who sent it. And then you'll live in fear until the end of your days. You have enemies. Don't strike until you can go for the nads." Logically, I get that. Lexically, that's disgusting. Practically, that's my girlfriend. They left through the front door just as I wiggled out of the backpack and rushed after, but when I checked the hallways they were nowhere to be seen.

"She's gone. You stupid—!" Calm down, calm down, Custodians don't just disappear.

"System, where is she?" [Outside of Convergence Zones, this is private information]"Don't play dumb you stupid machine, Addy just got abducted. I'm standing right here; that Samantha isn't real." [Checking logs] [Verifying recordings] [Verified] [Visual shock administered. No response.] [Auditory shock administered. No response.] [Magical interference detected] [Sending Location] A small dot appeared on my minimap, quickly moving north.

I grabbed my backpack and raced after it, heedless of the odd looks I was getting from the vampires and nocturnal werefolk I passed by. I couldn't go too fast, or I'd seriously injure someone. But I could call for support. On the third ring, Mason picked up.

"Sam, do you have any idea what time it is—""Addy got abducted. I'm following her until I find out who's doing it. Get whoever or whatever you can, discreetly. I might need backup."

"I… shit. One moment." There was a pause and the sound of shuffling clothes.

"Dammit. I can't get into contact with Old Beni. Wait one, I'll contact some old friends." The dot disappeared, then reappeared a few hundred feet to the left of its previous location. It's using the dimensional anomalies to muddy its tracks. I twisted on my heels, gunning it left. It disappeared again. It knows them very well. It's someone from within The Academy. This time the dot reappeared in the middle of the cafeteria. Right next to the Cauldron. The frontlines. No!

I burst in through the two front doors, knocking soup out of an unfortunate vampire's hands, and still only caught a glimpse of her back as she left out the double doors on the other side. This time, they reappeared outside of the main Academy building. Open space, nowhere to hide. I needed to find the damn culprit behind it all. Worst case, I didn't, and would live in fear of this happening again. No. Worst case, it takes Addy away from me.

I ran up to a bored looking woman guarding a counter, with hundreds of odd items cluttering the racks and boxes behind her.

"I need a set of clothes," I gasped.

"Ma'am, this is the lost and found, not a thrift store." I slammed a heavy bag onto the counter.

"Ten soulcoins. Now." Within under a minute, me and four body doubles left the Academy building, hands and faces stuffed into a mismatched arrangement of jackets, gloves, and shoes. The thing about the [Illusory Double] was that it only copied my state at time of casting. If I tossed on a jacket, summoned a double, then tossed a different one on, the previous double didn't magically gain a new jacket.

This way, I could generate a small group of me's that all wore different clothes, and would therefore not warrant as much suspicion as a group of cookie-cutter copies. Addy and the fake me had just reached the edge of my minimap. It was taking it slow, as to bring less attention to itself, and confident that if anyone was following them, it would see them from afar. If anything, it was expecting one person to follow after them, not a group of five people.

Occasionally, I made one or two doubles split off to the clusters of huts and houses to the left or right, before merging them back into the group. The heat of my own breath felt scalding against my lips. Anger. This was anger, more than I'd ever felt in my entire life, more pure and deep. Fury. Rancor. Hate. Rico seemed excited.

"A hunt, a hunt," he said with giddy anticipation, "I can already smell the blood — the tension is unbearable!"

"Shut. Up." He went quiet, just as me and my body doubles reached the odd water tower standing out among so many other buildings in the field. The metal construction looked odd in the light of the early morning sun scantily daring to peek over the horizon, leaning at an angle, about ready to give way. There was the tip of a wizard tower on top of it, no light coming from within. And my minimap told me that Addy was up there.

"System, hypothetically speaking: What would be the recommended course of action if some person had abducted a Custodian?" Immediately, I was hit by a wall of text. [As per Article 3 of the Custodian Code, agreed upon by a UN referendum, the purpose of a Custodian is to protect sapient life originating from or rightfully emigrated to Earth. It is not to interfere with the internal power balance between said life forms. i. Should a Custodian be inconvenienced, threatened, or killed by an earthborn sapient lifeform, they may only retaliate in turn within local laws. i. a. All retaliation will be weighed separately by the system. i. b. All actions endangering earthborn sapient lifeforms WILL BE PUNISHED. ii. The System cannot, shall not, and will not aid nor hinder disagreements up to and including lethal exchanges between a Custodian and one or multiple non-Custodian individuals with quests, rewards, or other assistance or obstruction. ii. a. The system must use any and all recordings only for internal judgment of punishment towards Custodians, to be deleted within a span of two (2) weeks after recording. ii. b. All soulcoins gained through the deaths of non-Custodian sapient lifeforms are confiscated by the system. iii. All punishment may be vetoed a priori to judgment by volunteering for a deployment to the frontlines.] I…" Skimming through it in one moment, I couldn't help but feel abandoned. The rules were not made for us Custodians, but against us. A constraint, not an aid. The bag of worms that was Article 3 was… too much to unpack in the moment, but if a Custodian witnessed a human-on-human murder in the streets, and they killed the murderer, they could be punished as a murderer themselves.

If some despot decided to start World War III, Custodians wouldn't gain a quest to save earth from imminent nuclear apocalypse because that was an internal Earth issue. If Addy up there came to her senses and after stabbing the fake-me turned out to have killed a human, she was going straight to the frontlines.

"What if a mimic did it?" [Aim for the head]"Alright then." My fate was in the hands of the system, then. As one, my doubles latched onto one of the legs of the tower and clambered up, each as grim-faced as I was. A yellow light flowed out of the windows of the small tower-tip wedged between its peak and the giant bird's nest on top. I readied my weapons, counted silently to three, and flung myself through every entrance possible at once. Glass shattered, then everything grew awfully still in the bright light.

My eyes adjusted faster than most, but even then the difference between inside and outside was stark enough to take a moment. There was no one inside. No Addy. No sign of anyone.