Chương 17: Chapter 15: Whispers of a New Foundation

It was twilight in Shimoor. Purples and deep blues painted the sky, stretching long shadows across the ground. It was still late morning for me; my body was on another world's clock, so sleep was out of the question. But traveling in the dark didn't appeal to me either. A chill in the air hinted at a deeper cold at night, and I wasn't in the mood to stumble through the forest with only an oil lamp. I sat, hugged my knees to my chest, rested my forehead on them, and released a deep breath.

From the moment I crossed over, there had been an emptiness inside me, as if I'd lost something essential. I couldn't put my finger on it. Not really. I felt a strange disconnect. Or more precisely, untethered. I let my mind drift and didn't grab onto any one thought. Just let them slide in and out, hoping something would click. I wanted to be here. I chose to travel in Shimoor. I'd spent a year planning for this moment. So why the hell did I feel so… unsettled? So adrift?

Bit by bit, like a predator circling for the kill, I zeroed in on the issue. For the past year, I had a clear goal I aimed for with laser-like focus. Every move I made was in service of it: buying, selling, crisscrossing the Americas in planes, gathering Ability Points. My days had purpose and momentum. And now… it was gone. I made it. I crossed over. Mission accomplished. But instead of feeling proud or excited, I felt a sense of emptiness.

That goal was behind me, and the one in front of me, to travel and see this world, felt vague and abstract. It wasn't something I needed to chase. There was no pressure, urgency, or even active striving. And somehow, that made it feel less tangible or important. And the worst part? I didn't even know how to get a new goal. No one ever teaches you how to do that. Goals were supposed to appear, right? Like a spark in your chest. You wake up one morning and know what you're meant to do.

At least, that's how it always worked for me. I wanted to be a doctor, so I chased the dream. I liked Sophie from the moment I met her, so I pursued her. The goal was there, in front of me, and I chased it. To distract myself from the mental spiral building inside me, I lit an oil lamp. The warm, flickering light cast dancing shadows against the ruin's walls, making the space feel more inviting. It didn't make me feel better, but somehow it made things more tolerable.

I pulled out a songbook, cradled the guitar in my lap, and forced my fingers to work. I learned one song. Then another. Then another. The chords drowned out the noise in my head. My voice shook the dust off old memories as I sang. I played until the middle of the night, learning five songs. My fingers ached. My throat was raw. But finally, finally, I felt tired enough to sleep. Lying in my sleeping bag, staring up at the canopy above as the oil lamp guttered, a thought slowly formed. Maybe I didn't need a big goal.

Not right now. Maybe what I needed was something small. Something manageable. A direction, not a destination. A little thing to strive for. That would be enough. At least for a start. So what do I want? I want to feel human again. I want to stop drowning in grief and memories that feel more alive than I do. I want to look at the future like I did when I was a kid: bright-eyed and excited, convinced that anything is possible, not through this dark haze of loss and pain that clings to everything I do.

I didn't know if that counted as a goal. But it felt like a good start. In the morning, I examined the Map. This world had one giant continent with a small grouping of islands near the southern tip and another, much smaller continent far to the east. Maybe there was more, but it didn't show on the Map. There were very few Gates—only seven on this continent and another on the small one. On Earth, there were over a hundred. The mana level here is higher. Shouldn't there be more?

I was in the southeastern part of the continent, near its center. Towns and cities were scattered in every direction. Some of them had symbols with a crown in a circle. Capitals? Without a scale, I couldn't judge the distance. I touched the Gate, but could access only the World Information about Earth, not the Map. Shrugging, I let the Map idea go. My compass worked as expected, or so I thought, so I headed north. It was as good a direction as any.

I was in a forest with towering trees and sparse underbrush, making walking a breeze. It was beautiful. The trees were as immense as redwoods, with big, dense leaves that filtered the sunlight into a soft, golden glow. Everything was green and vibrant. The kind of green that seemed to pulse with life. The leaves above formed a thick canopy, creating a natural umbrella that shielded me from the occasional rain. When it did rain, the drops were melodious, tapping lightly on the leaves overhead.

The only water that reached me was the occasional drop that fell from the leaves, landing on my face. Thin rivulets of water flowed down the trunks, but the ground remained surprisingly dry. Soft moss and fallen leaves carpeted the forest floor, creating a springy path. It was tranquil. Birdsong filled the air, each call weaving into a harmonious symphony. I could hear the gentle buzz of insects going about their day, a constant hum that added to the serenity of the forest.

The fresh scent of wet soil and rain mingled with the earthy aroma of the trees, creating an intoxicating fragrance that filled my lungs with every breath. It was a fresh scent that evoked the essence of nature in its purest form. From a distance, I occasionally spotted animals moving between the trees. Their movements were quick, giving me only fleeting glimpses. Whether they were herbivores or predators, I couldn't tell, but their presence added to the sense of mystery and wonder that enveloped the forest.

Birds with vibrant plumage flitted from branch to branch. As I walked, my mind stilled, and I experienced the present moment to its fullest. I didn't know if it came from the decision I'd made the night before or from my surroundings, and honestly, I didn't care. I cherished the feeling and let myself sink into it, embracing it fully. Light filtered through the canopy above, casting shifting patterns on the forest floor.

Now and then, a ray of sunlight broke through the leaves, bathing the forest in a soft glow that brought the vivid greens to life and caught the colors of fleeting birds as they darted between branches. Time stretched as I savored every moment, sight, and sound: the rustle of leaves, a bird taking flight, a flower I stopped to smell. The forest was alive, a vibrant entity that welcomed me into its embrace. A sanctuary where time stood still and the world's worries melted away.

After walking for several hours, I grabbed a quick lunch and coffee, then rested before continuing. As the sun began to set, I found a suitable spot to set up camp. Looking at the Map, my location seemed unchanged. The following day, I had breakfast and kept walking. About an hour after my lunch break, the forest thinned out, and I stepped into a wide, open valley. Mountains flanked both sides, with even more rising in the distance, half hidden by clouds.

A river snaked into the valley from the forest to the east of me, weaving back and forth for a mile before disappearing behind a mountain. Off to the west, a large herd grazed. I stood there for a while, taking in the view. I felt myself expand, as if my ability to encompass the world and embrace it had grown. After a while, I checked my compass and continued. At some point during the trek, I started talking to Sophie. First, in my head. Then out loud. I didn't plan it.

The words just slipped out, one after another, like they'd been waiting in my chest, and finally, the dam broke. In my mind, I told her again that I loved her, missed her, and wished she were taking this journey with me. Suddenly, without conscious thought, her name slipped out loud: "Sophie." It hung in the air for a second, and I almost laughed at myself. But I kept going.

"I never told you how I felt back then." My voice cracked a little, but I didn't stop.

"You had enough to deal with. You didn't need my baggage on top of everything." I didn't know if I was talking to her memory, her ghost, or just the part of myself that still clung to her. But once I started, it was impossible to stop. The grief that had begun long before she died. Helplessness. Anger. The guilt that sat in my chest like a stone.

"I hated seeing you in pain," I whispered, stepping over a root.

"Every hospital visit felt like getting stabbed. And when you decided to stop the treatment, to stop fighting, I stopped hoping." My voice had gone hoarse. I stopped walking and stared off into the distance, my eyes burning.

"I was relieved when you said no more treatments. That's the part I can't shake. I was relieved. Because it meant you'd suffer less. And I've hated myself for that ever since. How could I feel relieved that you gave up the chance to get better? How could I feel relieved knowing I would lose you soon? How could I have betrayed you like that?" Tears streamed down my face as I kept talking. I made camp that night without giving it much thought.

My body moved on autopilot: I set up the tent, lit the lamp, laid out my sleeping bag, and kept talking. She didn't answer, but that didn't stop me. I talked and talked, my voice low, just above a whisper. I told her things I hadn't even admitted to myself. The memories poured out in bits and pieces, shaped by guilt, love, and the unbearable silence she left behind. Eventually, I lay down, still murmuring into the dark. And at some point, mid-sentence, I finally fell asleep.

The following day, I kept walking, and the words kept coming. But this time, my thoughts didn't spiral into grief or guilt. I remembered the good things. The quiet, unexpected moments that made up a life. Our life. It started with a memory: our first meeting. I'd pegged her as a stuck-up rich girl before she even said a word. Then she tore into me with her sharp wit and calm confidence, making me eat my assumptions for lunch. I smiled to myself, shaking my head.

"You loved putting me in my place, didn't you?" The sun was already climbing, casting long shadows behind the hills. A breeze skimmed across the valley, catching strands of grass. I imagined her walking beside me, her eyes squinting in the light, pointing out every oddly shaped rock as if it were a treasure. I remembered our first date: a cheap bottle of wine, a clumsy gesture, and her dress soaked in red. But instead of getting flustered or upset, she just laughed and said, "Well, I guess this is a red dress now."

There was no panic or drama; she rolled with it as if it were all part of the plan. I let the memory sit for a moment before speaking.

"You were always good at turning disasters into jokes. It made everything feel lighter." Further ahead, the valley opened wider. I stopped at the crest of a hill and looked at the expanse. The wind was steady now. It wasn't cold, but it was strong enough to keep the heat from settling. It reminded me of that road trip we took on a whim, with no map or phone signal. We got hopelessly lost and discovered a hidden lake that wasn't listed on any app or guidebook. Well, honestly, it was more of a swimming hole.

"Lake" was too generous a description for its size. But we called it a lake. We swam until our skin wrinkled, then lay on sun-warmed rocks and talked about our future together.

"I was so tired after working and studying half the night, but I never wanted that day to end." Other memories surfaced, skipping through time. One was the concert she surprised me with on my birthday. I was sure it had been sold out for ages, but she pulled out the tickets with a smug grin and watched my jaw drop. We danced like lunatics that night and screamed lyrics until our throats gave out. I didn't talk about that one, just let it warm my chest for a while.

Then I remembered both of us whispering the following day because we had lost our voices and laughed. The memory of our first home brought a different feeling. That tiny apartment with the leaky faucet and paper-thin walls. With her trust fund, she could afford a better place, but I couldn't and didn't want to be a kept man. Instead of making me feel bad about it, she shrugged and said, "This will be a new kind of adventure."

I remembered how we used to argue over who would call the landlord and how we eventually gave up and fixed things ourselves, laughing the whole time. Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

"It was a dump," I said out loud, smiling.

"But it was our dump. And for the first time in a long time, I had a home again." I kept walking, the terrain flatter now, and let the silence stretch.

"I loved the quiet mornings with you," I said after a while.

"You'd read the news on your tablet. I'd pretend to read mine while really just watching you. That was peace, right there." Tears welled up again, and this time I didn't wipe them away. Instead, I let them roll. Let them be part of the moment. There were things I'd never told her, not when it mattered. So I told her now. How much I admired her strength. How, even when her body was falling apart, she stayed strong for me. How her courage held me up when I was breaking inside.

"You never gave up," I whispered.

"Even when I did." The gratitude came in waves. I thanked her for choosing me, for trusting me with her love, and for seeing something in me I couldn't see in myself. Then I thought about the broken parts of me that she was the only one who ever saw or understood.

"You helped me believe my past didn't ruin me. That I wasn't just some foster kid with a pile of trauma and a fake smile. You made me feel whole." My throat tightened at the memory of those nights. How I would wake up shaking, soaked in sweat, and how she'd hold me.

"You made me feel safe," I whispered.

"You made me believe in people again. Or at least, believe in you." The valley stretched out endlessly, and as I walked, I felt her with me. Not as a ghost, not even as a memory, but her presence. For the first time in a long while, I was in harmony with the world. I knew she was listening. That night, sitting by my campfire, I was utterly at peace. I even had a smile on my face. I didn't laugh out of incredulity, disbelief, shock, freak-out, or hysterics. It had been a long time since I had genuinely smiled.

With a deep breath, I released some of the heaviness and sorrow that had weighed me down for so long. Every step I took relieved me of a small piece of that burden, allowing me to stand tall. And this time, it wasn't the mana pushing pain deposits to the surface and making me release them. I was doing it. Consciously. Step by step, I was letting go. I wasn't well yet, but I had started my journey to recovery. It felt good.

I stared at the flames, their warm glow flickering and dancing, reflecting the emotions coursing through me. I felt Sophie's presence in the gentle rustling of the leaves and the whispers of the wind. It was as if she were here, sharing this quiet moment with me.

"Thank you, baby, for all the joy you brought into my life, the laughter and the tears, the ordinary days and the extraordinary ones." We used to stay up late and talk about everything: books, ideas that kept us awake, and the fears we were too embarrassed to say aloud in daylight. Those quiet, late-night conversations had been my lifeline, especially when things got dark. I told her that. I reminded her how just hearing her voice could pull me back from the edge.

I talked about our travels, the little adventures that turned into lifelong memories, and how she had a way of making even the most ordinary trip feel magical.

"Do you remember Washington?" I asked, chuckling softly.

"That crazy downpour? We should have run for cover." Her laugh echoed in my head, just as it had that day.

"You said, 'If we're getting wet anyway, might as well make it fun.' And then you dragged me into the middle of the street." I could still feel the chilly rain soaking through my clothes, the slap of water under our feet, and her hand in mine as we spun in the middle of the road until a car chased us to the sidewalk. We danced there, drenched and breathless, laughing so hard I forgot about everything else. That was her gift—turning a storm into a celebration.

And even now, years later, soaked in grief instead of rain, I felt the warmth of that night. Sitting there, I felt profound gratitude for the time we spent together. I acknowledged the pain of her loss, but also embraced the beauty of the memories we had created. Losing her and the pain it left behind didn't erase the joy. It made it more precious. When I finally fell asleep, I felt lighter than I had in months. The stars above shone brighter, and the night air was full of promise.

The road ahead was still long, but I was hopeful. I accepted I would always grieve her loss in a small corner of my mind, even years in the future. But I could also find my way back to joy and peace. As I drifted to sleep, I did so with a smile and a warmth in my heart that assured me I was not alone. In the morning, I sat drinking coffee and enjoying the peace of mind when my reality fully dawned on me. Holy shit! I'M IN ANOTHER WORLD! I left Earth!

No more chasing my career or worrying about the mortgage or credit card payments. I facepalmed. Oh, shit! I remembered what I had forgotten. When I emptied my account, I never paid off the credit card bill, and with all the flights, hotels, and car rentals, it was one hell of a bill. My shoulders hunched, and I dragged a hand down my face. Should I go back and deal with it? I shook my head. Don't be an idiot. I looked up at the sky and sent a silent apology to whoever would be stuck sorting it out.

After breakfast and another cup of coffee to wash down the guilt, I got moving. The following day, in the afternoon, I spotted a wide river that the valley's slope had hidden until then. The stretch I could see flowed north, so I adjusted course and made my way toward it. Traveling by water was faster than walking. By evening, I reached the riverbank. The current ran slowly enough to manage for my level of sailing mastery, or rowing mastery in this case.

The cool air rising off the water was a welcome change and felt nice. As I dropped my pack and started pulling out my fire-starting kit, movement across the water caught my eye. A few animals came to drink. Long-necked, deer-like creatures with shaggy black and white coats and tall, twitching ears. Farther away, I spotted others: low-slung shapes with sharp movements and too many teeth. Predators. Maybe feline.

One of them looked straight at me, its eyes catching the last light of the day before it turned and padded away. That was warning enough. I grabbed the bundle of kindling and dried grass I had collected along the way and built a small fire. There was a nearby clearing, free of jagged rocks and just level enough to park the camper. No tent tonight. No point in advertising myself as a fat, juicy steak in an easily accessible sleeping bag.

The following day, I took out the inflatable kayak and filled it with the foot pump, intending to travel by river for now. It seemed to flow northwest, so I'd still be heading in roughly the same direction. I paddled for five minutes, then stopped. I wanted to linger. To look and experience. I let the current carry me, steering the kayak toward the center only now and then with a gentle push of the paddle.

The surrounding view was breathtaking: vast skies, endless grasslands with occasional trees rolling out to meet distant mountains, and the shimmering river cutting a path through it all. After a few hours, the river narrowed and increased in speed, forcing me to use my paddle more and more to avoid the banks. With each bend, it kept growing, and it took more effort to keep the kayak centered; I began to worry. Now, I tried to paddle to the bank, but the river wouldn't let me.

The current continued to push me in the same direction, growing stronger and more insistent. A deep sound carried on the water, increasing with every passing second. The river curved sharply, and all I could see ahead was the open sky. As the current surged, I shot off the waterfall like a bullet. The bow of my kayak tilted forward, and I fell fast. I had no time to think, barely enough time to take a deep breath, brace myself, and grit my teeth.

The fall wasn't long enough for second thoughts to creep in, and I hit the water. With a heavy slam, the kayak bounced off the bottom. The air whooshed from my lungs and rose in bubbles. Releasing the buckle, I kicked to the surface, gasping and blinking hard against the water in my eyes. Thankfully, it wasn't deep. Maybe ten feet. I swam to the nearby shore and hauled myself out, heaving, my arms shaking from the adrenaline. I sat there for a few minutes, breathing deeply, my heart thudding like crazy.

It was scary, yeah, but not really dangerous. And I survived. When I looked out over the water, the kayak floated in the lake's center as if nothing had happened. I couldn't see any holes or tears. It rocked gently on the surface as if it hadn't just launched off a cliff. As I caught my breath, I finally noticed where I was. A grotto. The lake sat in a stone bowl, high cliffs enclosing it on nearly every side. A narrow shore wrapped around the edge, just wide enough for walking in some places.

Trees leaned in from the shore, their branches reaching down like flowing hair toward the water. The sun filtered in from a break in the clouds above and through the tree leaves, hitting the water and refracting into thousands of tiny sparks that looked like daytime stars, reflecting off the cliffs. On my far right, a passage was visible. It was narrow and dark, half-covered by overhanging rock and leaning trees. Still breathing hard, I stared at it for a moment.

I hope I can walk out on foot; I'm not sure I'm ready to paddle again. The adrenaline crash hit me. I waited it out, letting the shakes run their course. My heart was still hammering, but it gradually slowed down, and after a while, I waded back into the water and swam out to retrieve the kayak. My paddle was nowhere to be found. I circled the entire grotto, scanned the shoreline, and even checked under the kayak in case it had gotten wedged beneath—but nothing. It should have floated up, but it was gone.

I dove back into the water to cool down, then floated on the surface, taking in the surroundings and appreciating how breathtaking this place truly was. The water was crystal clear, so clear I could see all the way to the bottom. Smooth stones, swaying plants, and darting fish that didn't seem to care I had just cannonballed into their home. Soft, dappled sunlight filtered through the branches overhead, giving the entire grotto a dreamy, almost surreal quality.

The cliffs surrounding the lake looked like layers of sedimentary art, with bands of yellow, orange, red, and deep brown. The waterfall's roar was stronger here, amplified by the surrounding walls, but it didn't bother me. It created white noise that canceled everything else and made me feel like I was inside a bubble, insulated in time and space. I decided to spend a few days here. It was a slice of tranquil heaven.

Once I located a wider part of the shore, I set up one of my fancier tents, arranged a table and a fancy camping armchair with a leg rest, and indulged in Alfredo prawn pasta with a bottle of Brunello wine. It was that kind of ambience. I stayed in the grotto for almost two weeks. While swimming the following day, I had a realization. It hit me so suddenly and was so unlike me that, for a moment, I completely forgot I was swimming and started to sink.

I kicked back to the surface, coughing a little, and laughed out loud. I loved to swim. Always had. But in foster care, they didn't exactly take us on beachside vacations. Swimming was something I did only occasionally in my life. And yet, here I was, floating in crystal-clear water in the middle of a secret grotto, and for the first time, my reality landed with all its implications. I could do whatever I wanted. I could indulge in all the things I enjoyed and never had the chance to do or never did enough of.

Yes, I was 38. But I was only 38. I had half a lifetime ahead of me. Half a lifetime to experience things and enjoy life. There was no point in looking back at everything I hadn't done. It was already behind me. What mattered now was what lay ahead and all the things I would do. Following that realization, I leaned into it. I swam until I ached, floated under the sun, and let myself just be. Indulged in delicious food and savored wine and beer without a hint of guilt.

Caught and grilled fresh fish over the fire, read two books purely for pleasure, played my guitar, and had a great time overall. It wasn't about achieving anything. It was about being in the moment, with all its glory. Behind the waterfall, I discovered a low cave with stone ledges perfect for sitting and dipping my feet in the water. The light filtering through the waterfall made the walls shimmer, and the splash of the falling water was the only sound.

Inside the cave, the sound was more muted, and since I was used to it, I hardly noticed. It felt as if nature had created a sanctuary just for me. On my third day, I found my paddle stuck in a tree like a feather on a dandy's hat. I laughed so hard I scared off some birds. On my ninth day, I floated in the cave, entirely in the present moment. That's when I realized how much had changed. My perspective had undergone a complete transformation.

Even during the intense months of preparation for my travels, I hadn't been genuinely excited about what was to come. There were brief moments when something jarred or shocked me, pulling my attention into the present, but my focus always drifted back to the past. The regrets, the losses, the things I couldn't fix or change. Now, for the first time, I was actually here. No ghosts dragging me backward. No "I wish" whispering in my ear.

I was one hundred percent in the here and now, and for once, I was excited about the future. I was at peace, calm, whole, and alive. Really, truly alive in a way I had never felt before. It was more than happiness. The sensation went deeper than that. It was a joy and liberation so profound that it felt like my soul had stretched out and exhaled. I tried to capture the feeling, name it, describe it, even just in my head. But there were no words. It was beyond language. It was something that could only be felt.

Something in me clenched and released. There was a moment when my entire body let go and relaxed. It was both physical and mental, and I experienced it throughout my whole body, from head to toe. It was like releasing a breath I hadn't known I was holding for years. A powerful surge of energy coursed through me, causing me to shake momentarily. It was strange. Unusual. And good. So, so good. I immersed myself in the feeling as I floated in the water.

The cool water enveloped me, gentle ripples caressed my skin, and the echoing drips from the cave ceiling created a soothing backdrop. Every sense came alive. The scent of mineral-rich water, the pleasant coolness of it on my skin, and the steady hum of the waterfall. When I fell asleep that night, I knew something had fundamentally changed inside me. My dreams were vivid and peaceful, filled with color and sensations that felt more real than waking life.

As I drifted off, I felt a warmth in my chest, a quiet glow that spread through my body. This wasn't just a fleeting feeling. It was a transformation at the core of my being. I woke the following day with a sense of purpose and clarity I had last felt as a child. The world looked different. Brighter. Alive with possibility in a new way. The shadows of my past weren't gone, but they no longer trailed my every step or breathed down my neck.

They lingered, still present, but quieter now, tucked somewhere along the edges of my mind rather than wrapped around my thoughts and stabbing me every waking moment. In their place, something else grew. A steady, quiet confidence, fragile but real. Not loud or bold, but there. Solid. I felt a sense of eagerness to move forward and see what lay ahead, what I might discover or experience. Not because I was running from anything, but because, for once, I genuinely wanted to see what came next.

For the first time, I felt like I was living, not just existing. The journey before me was no longer about escape. It was about discovery and joy.