Chương 73: Chapter 71: Not a Gift Given, but a Choice Made

With my kid safely napping in my room upstairs in the inn, I set to preparing dinner. A brief walk in the woods for some forage had a fresh stock of ramps and Queenslace, some sage, and a heckload of fairy potatoes. A brief stop with my gold piece to Albertson's Bakery had four loaves of his Revenant Bread in my hands (with a free sample of his sourdough to munch on the way home!) and ninetey nine silver pieces. Another four silver at Rosie's had a string of aged sausages, and with this bounty I went home.

Fel, Gelidia, and the Burgermeister were nowhere to be found, and Alfredo was in the basement having a crisis about cleaning the water stains and mildew. That left me with Torch, who was caring for his weapons, and Roxala, who was enjoying one of the pots of tea I'd made before going out for supplies. I cleaned the carrots and potatoes, and decided to use the opportunity to practice both the cutting techniques Rosie had taught me, and the opportunity to get the hang of using my Samu skill to enter the Flow state.

Taking the knife in hand, I held it like Rosie had shown me - placing into my hand as if I were greeting the blade like an old friend with a handshake, then putting thumb on one side, index and middle finger on the other side. I then began to think about the posture she'd shown me. Square up my hips to the counter? Check. Back straight? Check. Elbows in? Double check. I didn't bend my wrist - I bent my elbow and kept my wrist straight as I pushed in and down, then back. In and down, then back.

In and down, then back. That felt... right. Was it? It seemed like it. It was simplest to hold my knuckle on my left hand to the blade. With my fingers curled, I wouldn't be cutting myself, right? So, I was thinking about my movements, and focusing on each moment. I'd chop a potato in half, then slice it into quarters, and drop them in a pot. The carrots I'd cut a little more thinly, careful to get rid of especially woody ones, and... all of this was routine.

I fished around inside me again, and found the button Samu had placed in my mind, and... pressed it, sinking mana into it and stopping time, sort of, like I had before. I tried to pay attention to my mana and stamina as I worked under its effects. Moving was possible if I spent mana on it.

It took a little care and experimentation to realize that I didn't need to spend as much as I had - it wasn't a race after all - and that of course led to the discovery that the mana consumption was based on how fast I wanted to move also, as well as how much I wanted to move with me. Something heavier cost more mana. Small movements, like my elbow and hands, those were cheaper than walking around.

I didn't stint on the mana - I wanted to test the ability, to get a good feel for it and grind it, after all - and soon enough I found myself tiring. [Health: 260/260] [Stamina: 240/300] [Mana: 20/140] It didn't just burn mana - it burned a little stamina, too.

Crafting in general burnt stamina, I knew that, and Samu helped, but using Samu's active skill used a lot of it- aaaaand I'd chopped all the vegetables, I had some of the ramps caramelizing, I'd gotten some of the sausages steaming, prepared the Queenslace stalks and seeds for use later as seasoning and garnish, rice was cooking, and the kitchen smelled amazing already. Oh! The Kettle was going too, and once again Torch and Roxala were staring at me. Before I could say anything, Roxala broke the awkward silence.

"You were blurring, woman!" She looked amazed, blinking serious eyes at me"That's twice I seen you do that now - what the hell was that?" she asked. The thing was, I could remember doing all the things I'd done in that time. I could remember experimenting with the flow of mana, watching stamina drop much more slowly. I could remember each step if I thought about it hard enough, but... I had been somewhere else in the moment - in the Zone. That was Flow.

"I have a Samu skill, right? I got it to rank C, and that's the ability" I explained"I can enter something the skill calls Flow in the right conditions - if I'm doing something, and paying attention to what I'm doing, I can spend mana to like..." I hesitated, trying to figure out how to express what it seemed to do! Torch relaxed a little, and grunted.

"Oh - that makes sense." he said.

"the Laborer skill can do that kind-of, doing a job tied to one of their life skills. I don't think that has a name though. Fel can do something like that also with his Meditation skill - he calls it 'Zoning' or 'Zoning Out'". Neither of them cost mana though, far as I know - they just make working or concentrating easier.

"Mine costs... a lot of mana, and I guess I'm doing things more quickly?" I asked, hesitating, and at their mutual nod, I continued"Time seems to slow down, and the more I move, the more mana I use up." I explained"So far, I've only been able to use it with cooking and cleaning."

"Samu you called it. It's one of your Synergy skills, right?" Roxala asked, and at my nod, she grunted and looked thoughtful.

"You've got a few interesting synergies, Emily - Sohei for one. And that's just peasant-side - you also got that sense skill you told us about, Wolfrun was it?" she asked"Wolf-Ren" I offered, and she nodded.

"Weird name. Anyhow. Despite the peasant class being all peaceful, it feels like there's more to it. What class did you lose when you Stabilized, Emily? I've been meaning to ask you." the shieldmaiden asked, and I hesitated a little. The two wayfinders exchanged a glance, and her look of concern grew - I saw it clearly in my synergistic skill granted senses. I sighed, and leaned against the counter, crossing my arms as I thought it over. The pair seemed content to let me think, decided to trust me, so...

in the end, I decided it was best to level with them.

"When I got here, when I came to this world, I started with three classes like I said. My Legacy core was Peasant - not really a surprise. My family were always just workers, no trouble to anyone. Nothing too special it seemed to me, and after the war back home, once things went bad, we just did our best to cultivate food and survive. Staying warm and fed and not getting sick were hard enough, so... I guess peasant makes sense for my Legacy core - it's what my folks were, what I was, really.

We didn't call it anything like that, my world didn't have actual serfs or peasants as... such, but... yeah." I sighed. This next part, I dreaded it. This was going to be hard.

"The other class, the Destiny class? That one scared me. It was a combat core called Red Hand of Vengeance." I said, and it was like a guillotine dropped. Their breaths hitched at the same moment, and their eyes widened a little at me as they recognized the class, apparently.

"It felt... bad. I didn't like the things that class showed me, when I looked at the stabilization screen - war, fighting, blood, darkness, it..." I lapsed into silence, had I made a mistake sharing this information?

"That class. That's..." Torch said "That's a rare core, Emily. It only... the World only..." he hesitated, rubbing the back of his neck as he thought about how to explain, and sighed, leaning forward again, elbows on his knees "She only gives some classes when certain conditions are met. Sometimes you can get a class core offered to you if you do a dungeon, or accomplish some deed. Lots of people change or evolve their cores when they reach level ten or twenty, but some classes only happen in a special situation."

the brave Scout explained.

"That one only happens when a bloodline loses everything. When their birthright was taken from them, or when your village gets slaughtered by demons for example and you're the only survivor." Roxala cut in. She crossed her arms, and looked at me in a new light.

"It's not an 'Evil' class, Emily, it is War and Vengeance manifest. Hate honed to a knife's edge and tempered in discipline. It's... it can be good, or it can be bad, but." she grinned to herself, and chucked darkly, shaking her head as she took a swig of her tea, cold as it was.

"... No wonder you're as strong as you are. Both Peasant and Werewolf picked up the Red Hand of Vengeance nature a bit. It's like you retired, your work complete... but you are still the person you were, underneath." Torch breathed.

"Once again, Emily. I have to ask, because... while you haven't lied to us, you didn't tell us this. I can see why you might not want to but... what did you do, that the world thought this was who you might be?" Roxala asked, all serious as she rose to her feet and towered over me. She looked a little angry, on her guard, ready for... anything from someone she considered her friend. I could only be honest. My throat felt dry, but I forced the words out.

"... Bandits killed my parents" I said"I watched them murder everyone who stood up to them... and then when people stopped fighting back, they started killing someone each time they came because they thought it was funny, because they liked it. Nobody defended us. Nobody cared." I said, and I didn't turn my eyes from her. She wanted the truth? I found words coming to me, gushing out of me - words I didn't even remember until that moment, and with them, something terrible inside me stirred.

"I was dying - we all were. In my world there was this thing called radiation, I think I told you guys about it, but... I'm told you guys have something like that here. I was a dead woman walking, and one day..." as it came back to me, I hugged myself. I don't remember when I started to growl. My eyes stung. I glared into Roxala's eyes. Compassion. Respect. They shone in her gaze. She nodded in understanding. Could she possibly see what was rising inside me? I pressed on.

"So... I was dying. And suddenly I had nothing to live for. My parents were dead. Alex... I saw the man I loved, the boy next door, the man I'd first... ever... everythinged with, they..." I stopped. Oh... I... of course they made me watch. I felt something billowing up from below as I remembered, as the darkness surfaced in my heart where I'd buried it. That terrible thing inside me began to claw its way to the surface, and memories - dark memories, flooded my mind, even as I began to remember them.

The sky went from sunny... to dark in seconds. A darkness without moon or stars. A darkness without hope. The blackness of a pit. Torch and Roxala stared at me in something like horror. I spoke again, and found it harder and harder to control myself"... Alex was dead. And... I had a club." An aluminum baseball bat"So." my voice wavered - I couldn't help it.

"Alex wouldn't have wanted me to die - he would have wanted me to live on, to do what I could, to carry on as long as I could. My parents would have grieved me, but those bastards killed them long ago. I was in so much pain, I was alone, and my heart burned red-hot with..." My fists clenched. Tears flowed, and I felt the Wolf just beneath the surface. Roxala stood fast before me, even as Torch rose to his feet behind her. I ignored him.

"... hate." The word came with steam from my lips, felt like it scalded my mouth. I'd become a monster. I'd chosen... to become a monster." I hated so strongly that NOTHING mattered but wiping away that smirk" off that bitch's fucking face. I couldn't get those words out - I choked on them as I struggled with my rage, as Wolf resonated with me"I waited. I acted cowed as tears fell and she cackled in laughter. Then the moment that bitch's back turned, I knocked her head off her shoulders. I remember..."

I furrowed my brows. I remembered the rage in my heart - it didn't abate, even as blood filled the air, expelled under pressure.

Her laugh cut off so comically - it was funny to me. Hilarious.

"... I remember laughing. I remember charging her friends, and..." I snarled, fangs bared as my voice took on a monstrous note, as my Wolf remembered second hand with me, saw... what I was inside. The rage. The pain. The hate. The unleashed fury I was capable of. She was on her feet and staring at me - she understood. Of course she understood. The monster she was... This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it....

shouldn't have been a shock to me at all, knowing what I knew in that moment.

"... I died on my feet. I just remember blackness after that. But they died screaming. And... and I don't think Alex would have looked at me the same way again after that." I said, and I believed it even as I said it. Roxala and Torch were silent, and my growls died, became a soft whine, the sounds of a dog in pain and despair. I felt sick. Alex would have hated me, hated seeing me become... like them. A laughing killer, a murderous lunatic.

Even if it was directed at the people who so richly deserved it, he would never have touched me again. How could I live with myself after this? After I felt that... again? How could...? My world darkened at the edges, and my breathing had gotten rapid at some point. I was losing control as the darkness surged inside me, spiraling in on myself as my sanity creaked. Suddenly, Roxala was picking me up as if I weighed as much as a bean.

Her hands grabbed my chest on either side, pinning my arms, and she hoisted me off my feet. In my current state, I barely registered it. She wasn't having it, and she slammed me once against the cabinets, shocking me into looking at her as my breath was knocked out with the sudden ferocity of it.

"You're not a monster, Emily!" She said, way too calmly. I said something unkind to her, and tried to break her grip as anger bubbled and she hit me with the wall again, punctuating her words with a blow"No!" Wham!

"You will listen!" Wham!

"Shut up!" Wham! And so help me, I found myself listening!

"You are not a monster. Not where it matters." Roxala shook and squeezed me in her hands as the world spiraled, and forced me to look at her. Her face moved right up into mine, and her eyes filled my world.

"You. Are. Not. A. Monster." Her breath was hot on my face as she spoke the truth to me, and I clutched her helplessly as she effortlessly held me off the ground. She didn't let go - she unloaded on me like that, no less intense for the quiet of it.

"You did the right thing - and saved the rest of your people. You avenged the man you loved, the friends you lost, your parents. You died a good death, and then?" She smiled, and kissed my brow.

"When you were given a second chance, came here? You laid down your arms. You chose, Emily. CHOSE to live in peace, your work completed." I'd... I hadn't remembered who I was, what I'd done in that moment, but... I'd rejected the chance to do more of what I'd done, rejected the monstrousness of the Red Hand. YOUR FATE IS DEEMED UNJUST The words came back to me full on in the face of my recollection, filled the sky of my mind edge to edge as I remembered them when I'd been in the oblivion of death.

I'd assumed a bomb or something had finished my town off, I'd blocked away the memories of my last moments and... this was the truth. I began to spiral a bit again, and Roxala did not let me. She shook me once, slammed me back against the cabinet, shocking me out of my thoughts savagely as Torch stood helplessly watching, tears in his eyes, his chin high.

"You died a hero's death, Emily!" Roxala growled, and set me down at last.

"I can't think of a better reason for the World to have awarded you that Core, Emily. She does not do such things lightly. I also can't think of a better reason for you to have laid it aside" and she held me by the shoulders"Your new life... the peace you have - a new home to protect, a cause to champion, a possible wife? A child?" She put her forehead to mine, Roxala, the hardened leader of the Wayfinders, who taught me everything I knew about fighting in this world, who didn't do many hugs or shows of affection.

"This is not a gift given. It is a choice you have made." she said, and that jammed itself fist-first into my heart and pinned it in place like a butterfly to a corkboard. The world unscrewed itself and stopped spinning"So I say again, my shield sister, my friend: you are no monster. If you are strong, you have earned it. If you are wounded-" she thumped the center of my chest below my collarbone where I'd been stabbed by the Dead Lord's blade with index and middle fingers the size of sausages"- that is okay.

Warriors get wounded. We get hurt. But we protect what we love, and avenge what we lose. If you weep, so be it. We are children of the World, and she weeps also, she who is mightiest, mother of all." SISTER Wolf said, and bowled me over, laid upon me like a big fluffy golden blanket. I dug my fingers into her ruff and buried my face against her in the mindscape, and the darkness filled the night sky above. But there were stars up there now, the moon... up there.

Wolf was my moon, the self in the darkness, my echo in the night, reflecting my light back down to me in that moment. WE PROTECT. WE AVENGE. WE ARE STRONG. She licked my face and throat and wrapped her mouth around my neck, holding me in a canine display of affection as she tugged my mental self in against her chest. I could only clutch Wolf back, and... think about what we had, together. This life we'd made so far... together.

I thought about the crypt, about Gotthardt, about the gate, about the stormhawks, about Little, and about Susan Cook. Of course we went for that guy like that... it makes so much sense now. HIS SNEER. WE HATE THAT LOOK. It was the same look the bandit bitch gave us. RIGHT BEFORE WE ENDED HER Wolf said with satisfaction. I half expected to spiral again, but... Somebody should have stopped those bandits. SOMEONE DID Wolf said WE DID. We... come to think of it, that really was the first time I met Wolf.

She wasn't as defined then, but... in context, there she was. We did. I just wish... that someone had done it sooner, that... that my Parents could have lived, my friends... Alex. NEXT TIME Wolf Said WHEN WE SEE THAT AGAIN, and she licked my face. WE WILL. and she meant it. THAT IS THE PURPOSE OF OUR STRENGTH. We protect. WE AVENGE. We are strong WE ARE STRONG And then a terrible thought surfaced in my head. All of that... had been pretty dang loud, hadn't it?! The shouting!

Wolf was confused, then her ears perked high on her head! We both sat up in the mindscape, eyes wide, at the same time! Our pup! Oh no! Did we wake her?! In a moment of panic, I pressed my senses out and felt for Sooty - World, did I wake her? The thought shook me out of the spiral the rest of the way, and the profound relief I felt when I found her still peacefully asleep drove it away in full.

I never wanted my daughter to know this darkness of mine, to ever have to understand what any of that was like for herself. I wanted her to live... peacefully, to never have to go through what I did. I clapped my hand to the back of Roxala's neck, and she did the same. GOOD Wolf said, and flopped over in the dust. Like, didn't even bend over- she just fell over and kicked up a little cloud of dust. Thud. I pet her flank and then her tummy, and she made a pleased, lazy chuffing noise that had me smiling.

You and me both, sister. Take five, fluffy.

"Thank you... Sister." I said, and that made her smile - not a cheerful smile, but a compassionate one. She nodded against my forehead, squeezed my shoulder a bit, and we both stood straight at the same time.

"Always" She said"Now. Stop burning dinner, woman." She said off-handedly as she waved vaguely and returned to her seat. I squeaked! The kettle was going off, the pot of rice was boiling over, and the veggies and sausages were probably getting overcooked as we spoke! I hurried to get everything out of danger, and discovered a new use of Samu as I did so. However much I was in turmoil, however much I ached, I had to slow down, to focus, in order to cook, to work with my hands.

I had to vent my fury in controlled portions, I had to process my pain steadily. It calmed me down enormously, even if I found that the Flow State button didn't work with my head in such turmoil. Samu worked fine just the same - and I found myself feeling a good deal better by the time I'd finished The sausages were fine - they'd been steaming.

They were a little more cooked than I'd have allowed had I been paying attention to the process properly earlier, but I gave myself a pass - Cookery told me that they'd be just fine! So, I began to saute some of the ramps and queenslace stalks together with the sausages, filling the air with the pungent, wonderful scent of the ramps and meat interacting, and fried up some of the cooked rice with some of the sage, queenslace seeds, and the potatoes and carrots, wwhich were just a bit too soft.

I didn't have any butter, and I regretted this, but a splash or two of the special revenant hooch I'd bought, the stuff that had ghost touch, it added a tangy zing to the scent that I found I appreciated. No eggs either. Was it proper fried rice without eggs? It looked brown-ish and smelled good enough, so, maybe it didn't matter so much. The carrots mushed a bit into the mixture, and the potatoes crumbled a little, but... a sample of it had me grinning!

"World I love that smell" Torch sighed "Best. Expedition. Ever." Roxala chuckled and nodded to herself as she finished off her cup of tea.

"Oh I'm looking forward to this. Every day, I swear, you get better and better at this, Sister" I folded the sausage and ramp mix into the fried rice, and garnished it with the crunchy queenslace stalks and the spiced seeds. Using the oil from frying up the sausage and ramps, I toasted slices of one of the loaves of sourdough, making a stack of dense, pungent smelling bread. Pretty much right as I was removing the last slice from the heat, the others arrived. Gelidia, leading Fel and James, the Burgermeister.

Alfredo came upstairs when they did, and gave me a concerned glance, but... said nothing. Oh. Right. He'd been downstairs during all that, hadn't he? Gelidia came up to me and gave me a hug right away in greeting, but her voice came to me.

'Are you alright?' she asked in my head. I'll be fine, I replied, and Wolf's tail wagged, thumpa-thumping the dust a bit as she failed to stir from her chill-time place on the ground in my mindscape. Gelidia seemed to take this on faith, but looked into my... still red-rimmed eyes in the real world, seached my expression, and nodded to me.

'I am here for you. You know that.' she said, and I nodded, pressing my forehead to hers. I know my love. We'll talk later, okay?

'Alright.' she replied, and at my insistence, she sat down for dinner!

"Dinner's up!" I said cheerfully to the gathered crew of friends Sausage and Root Vegetable Skillet on Fried Rice, Served with Ramp toast and Black Tea, Good Quality, Crafted by Emily Goldtail Ghost Touch, Revenant. Provides a buff to Health, Stamina, and Mana, and an extended boost to Health, Stamina, and Mana recovery for 10 hours. I'd definitely mucked up the dish a bit, overcooked several parts of it, but it still turned out great.

Setting aside a big portion for my daughter tonight, along with a couple fried slices as well, I sat to join the others and we tucked in.

"I will never" Roxala said, and swallowed her mouthful with a mug of tea"Get tired of your fried rice, Emily!" She said, and the the rabbity little Burgermeister beside her grunted in agreement, but didn't pipe up until he had swallowed and daintily dabbed his mouth.

"This is excellent - thank you. How is it I didn't feel hungry until I smelled this spread?" he asked, and I wiggled a fork at him.

"I don't think you actually eat as an undead normally?" a glance at Gelidia had her nodding at me, monching her own mouthful of the fluffy orange rice"-but you can eat this stuff. I made it with the Hooch from the sourdough starter that Albertson uses in his bread. It's Revenant, it's undead too. He tells me he gets a bucket of that hooch every day, no matter what he feeds it." I chuckled. Suited me fine - it was good stuff.

"I think that'll be a staple of Lambstock's cookery. It's a bit tangy, but. Ghost Touch makes it real to the undead, and Revenant actually makes it easier for you to manifest for the duration." I explained, and he made a pleased noise as he used the fried slice as a bit of a scoop with the determined eating action of a man who, despite his fussy appearance and social station, I pegged as someone who had done without once, who was a poor kid once. Given what I knew of the man, that surprised me a little bit.

"Mmm... I know Rosie's bistro and Albertson's bakery smell lovely when I visit them or walk past. I'll have to stock up on some of that myself, I think." I could feel something happening inside me. I felt... a tension, a growing anxiousness begin to bubble, and I knew what would happen soon. So, I polished off my meal, washed it down with tea, and pushed up from the table.

"Please excuse me. Moon's calling me" I explained as Wolf rolled to her belly inside me and pushed to her feet as any canine might. Gelidia smiled at me mid om nom, and I bent to give her a kiss, whether or not her mouth was full, just a chaste little smooch, then without another word, I stepped out of the kitchen. What a Beautiful Night to Have a Curse...