Chương 64: Chapter 62: The Desire to Exist

So what do you do when a strange child you've apparently decided to adopt falls asleep crying in your arms? What do you do when suddenly your life has gone topsy-turvy and you're caring for a little one out of the blue, and you are absolutely behind that, yes, but still haven't explained to your... consort? Consort, right. Still haven't explained to your consort that you've done so? I wasn't scared she'd reject the girl, I realized. No, I wasn't scared. I was terrified. What on all the World would I do?

What would I say to her to explain it? How would things change between us? I clutched Sootpaw's tiny, warm little form against me as she slept peacefully in my arms as dark mist poured off of her. Her power was still active? Her skill ability was still going? But didn't that require her to keep feeding it mana to work? Didn't it- And then the mist stopped. My heart stopped too, it felt like, and she began to get warmer... and warmer... and warmer against me. Oh That wasn't good!

Sootpaw made an unhappy noise and exhaled a soft, strange little bubbling, low sound that reminded me of noises Wolf had made inside me when - when... OH BEANS! I'd never experienced a change second hand before, watching it from the outside, and it was an experience I wouldn't forget in a hurry.

Thinking about how I felt as I changed, and about how even the lightest touch hurt, I laid Sootpaw into the grass on her tummy, where she unthinkingly curled into a fetal position and let out a very, very canine whiiiiiine in her sleep. She scrabbled at the grass mindlessly, pawing through it as clovers swayed in the wind, and... began to expand. Oh no, her clothing...! But... what should I do? Did I take them off her? Changing in clothes hurt - hurt a LOT.

So, despite her whines and mindless squirming in her sleep, I quickly shucked the little thing out of her robes to leave her soot-covered, filthy little form in the clover, already so hot she was literally steaming... and just, stood watch over her, unable to tear my eyes away from the horror of her transformation. First, her chest expanded from inside, straining her skin, making it wrinkle and stretch with a soft, strange sound like somebody putting on latex gloves that were just a bit too small.

It was amazing to me that it didn't split as she grew! Her ribs showed at the start before she began, but now? Now they were actually pronounced on her skin as she panted desperately, her diaphragm rising and falling rapidly as a doglike tongue lolled out of her lips and her body writhed. Shoulders came next, little pops as tendons strained and crackled, struggling to stay attached to suddenly growing bone and expanding muscle.

I could see the hunger on the girl, I could see the malnourishment in her meager frame, even as muscle bloomed and sinew turned her from pathetically small to a burnt, I realized, and misshapen little figure, expanding bit by bit outward in irregular little spurts. Her hands crooked and spasmed helplessly, and I couldn't help but wince a little as bones popped and tendons snapped, as she ran her fingers bloody in furrows into the dirt, as fingers became clawed digits.

Her legs were sleek and athletic when they were human shaped, but nothing really disturbed her figure between her legs and her torso, no real femininity as such to my eyes, and they only became more like that as they popped and strained and a whippy appendage of bone and muscle pressed into the air and then into the clovers as her tail formed before fur had a chance to sprout.

I realized then that my own legs weren't actually reverse-jointed, that's not what digitigrade meant, but that, like her, they were simply re-proportioned; Her feet lengthened enormously, and her calves, in proportion, shortened as her thighs fortified themselves with muscles. I realized as her flesh on her midsection strained and turned bright red in the moonlight that... Little Sootpaw's arms weren't the only things that had been burnt.

She was badly scarred on large swaths of her body from burns all over and when she grew fur from those places, as it blossomed in raven black and dark toast brown, it didn't grow as thickly or as fully as it did elsewhere on her figure, making her coat of beautiful fur look almost mangy, even as her skin underneath darkened to an almost midnight black. The scent of campfire only grew, and her desperate pants for breath began to cloud with... with smoke?

No, black ash poured out of her mouth with each pant, and her chest under her fur showed her bones starkly as she glowed like a stove from inside, steaming in the night air. What in the world? I couldn't really stand the thought of touching her to begin with, it would hurt her, but I got the impression it would burn me a little if I did! Even as I watched, the grass near her blackened a little. Once again, and with feeling, what in the World?

Even my meager skills could sense power stirring in the air around her, could sense... magic, I realized, hard at work as her coat thickened a little, and her face at last began to change shape. I was amazed her cheeks didn't split as muscle and bone strained under the surface, wrinkling her skin as her face became a snout, highlighting the burns she had around her... eyes, and on her cheeks. And... antlers began to push from her brow.

They weren't hard to identify as antlers - even as prongs protruded from the crown of her head, they began to split and to curl, pushing out from inside her, becoming something like... a stag's horns before my very eyes, black as pitch and steaming in the night air as blood dripped past her face and plopped, steaming, into the grass which immediately began to smolder. Then it was over.

Sootpaw lay in the blackening clover as the steaming slowed and stopped and she cooled down after changing, the incandescence inside her dimming away to fade completely under the blackened skin on her tummy and the thinner patches that... swirled around her body. I didn't move, I just... stared. I could understand why people were disturbed after watching me change shape, it wasn't pretty. Not... at all. Soot's transformation was...

different from mine though, I was reasonably certain, but it was still the same change overall and I felt a little sick having seen it. Then, dull-eyed, the younger Wolf looked at me, lifting her head to regard me with... animal eyes. There were no gears turning in there, there was no... person in there. She was a wild werewolf, a... monster, right now. Not... a scared, lonely little witch girl, and as she pushed to her hands and knees, sitting up, those golden eyes seemed to cast a little light over me.

No irises, I realized, no pupils. Just... featureless motes of golden fire behind frosted glass, flickering as her feral gaze darted this way and that, looking at me, looking around at the world near her, and then....... she started to growl. At me! Her teeth peeled back and she glared balefully into my eyes. I felt a low, almost pleasant noise bubble in my throat in response to her increasingly savage growling, and I felt my ears slick back on automatic. Was she... going to try to attack me?

"STRANGER" Sootpaw's... no, her wolf's voice came, and I could tell she was scared, defensive, bloody furious"INTRUDER!" She clearly didn't remember me, didn't know me, wasn't... really a person right now. Unthreatened, I felt my ears swivel towards the girl with interest. My Wolf pushed against me a little. TRUST ME - SHE IS A PUP. I KNOW WHAT TO DO. I trust you I affirmed, and... let go. Let her have the wheel. She tilted our head, doglike, at Sootpaw, even as the kid let out...

absolutely terrifying ripping snarls. Wolf didn't respond to them, or rise to the challenge. She just... watched her, calm, collected. I could see Soot's legs tensing, could see her still fresh-changed muscles bunching, could feel her about to spring, and... Wolf found it hilarious? She was amused by the danger here! NO DANGER TO US she told me TIME TO SHOW THE WHELP WHO IS THE ONE IN CHARGE HERE And Sootpaw sprang, with... much less than terrifying speed and grace.

It was more like a half-numb flailing flop as Wolf sank mana into our perceptions and slowed time for us. Sootpaw was pretty fast, I realized, even if she was still freshly-changed and awkward, but she wasn't faster than we were. Her movements... weren't nearly good enough.

My paw, Goldtail's paw, shot out and snagged the feral werewolf by the throat, even as she lunged for our face, neatly batting aside her claws to do so, only to slam her to the ground with sudden and savage ferocity that, even in our distorted perception of time, was so fast as to leave a blur. WHUMP! Sootpaw yelped out in shock and sudden terror, and only then did Goldtail deign to turn her head downward to glare at the rangy, malnourished, much-smaller werewolf beneath us and peel back her lip.

"BE STILL" Goldtail commanded with my voice, in what I could only assume was... wolf? It was one part vocalization, but three parts movements of my ears and body.

"KILL YOU" Sootpaw bit out savagely, teeth flashing, voice squeaking with terror and impotent fury as she kicked at me and scrabbled with her claws for my face. Goldtail sighed, like any patient mother, and... picked the little monstrosity up by one paw wrapped around her neck and a bit of her chest and... WHUMP! again! Struck her against the earth with the casual strength and brutality of a falling tree, knocking the kid's wind out of her.

"BE STILL" Goldtail repeated, this time with an actual snarl of her own directly into Sootpaw's face, putting her teeth directly in the younger werewolf's field of vision as a resonant growl like a distant thunderstorm bubbled and surged inside our breast! In the mindscape I was wide-eyed and a little horrified as I saw Sootpaw's struggles slow and felt, through our Wolf-Ren, how her tail tucked over her tummy between her legs as she submitted. Shoot, I just about got on my back!

Wolf glanced at me with amusement, found my wobbly knees to be hilarious, and... we inspected the kid. Every time Sootpaw squirmed a little or tried to protest, Goldtail growled a little at her again. She'd only needed to show her teeth once - just... a growl was enough to enforce instant obedience in the feral werewolf. The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings. SHE IS THIN She is. We kind of knew that already, but it's so much worse than it looked. I could...

count her ribs, or the knobs of her spine. SHE DOES NOT CHANGE ENOUGH She's scared to - look at her, her human self isn't home right now, not like you and I. Wolf confirmed that by staring into the kid's eyes. She was... disturbed by what she saw there, I could feel it from her easily. THIS IS WHAT IT IS LIKE FOR WOLVES LIKE US IF WE ARE NOT WHOLE? A big question from her. I nodded. I think so. THEN SHE SHOULD BECOME WHOLE That's up to her.

"CHILD" Goldtail said"I CARE FOR YOU. WE HUNT TOGETHER. I PROTECT YOU. YOU DO WHAT I SAY." she said. Not questions, not requests, but... a simple, straightforward set of instructions.

"YES!" Sootpaw's wolf agreed with a soft little yelp of... complete submission. She was higher level than me though? NOT HIGHER THAN ME. HER WOLF IS LOWER LEVELED. THE GIRL REJECTS HER. She's probably still in there somewhere, isn't she? THE WOLF IS IN ASCENDANCE. SHE IS DOMINANT RIGHT NOW. THERE IS NO BALANCE. Can you make her let the kid out a bit?

"YOU WILL ALLOW THE GIRL INSIDE YOU TO SPEAK WITH YOUR TONGUE, TO SEE WITH THE EYES YOU SHARE, TO SHARE IN THIS BODY THAT IS BETWEEN YOU AND HER TOGETHER, AS I AM WITH MY HUMAN SELF." Sootpaw's ears slicked back and she began to growl a little, but Goldtail flexed her fingers a bit, tilting her head curiously. Sootpaw flinched as if struck, and the Monster... changed. Her eyes clouded over, dimmed, and... irises formed. Pupils became visible.

Goldtail simply let go, and in the mindscape, nudged me forward with a wag of her great golden tail and perked ears.

"HEY KID" I said, in Wolf's language. Sootpaw the Strange stared at me slack jaw for a moment before... tearing her eyes away from me. I let her roll to her side and... sit up, looking at her hands. Or rather, her paws! She began to whine! Then, she looked at her body and actually yelped in fear a little bit!

"I AM CHANGED?! WHAT IS THIS?" There was no subtlety in the language we spoke, no room for 'inside voices' or anything less than communion in big friendly letters, I noted. I didn't move to touch her, to comfort her even though my instincts said I aught to.

"WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER?" I asked, and she whined again, looking to me. She didn't meet my eyes.

"I REMEMBER WAKING UP AND BEING ANGRY AND THEN I WAS ON MY BACK""YOU CHANGED WHEN YOU SLEPT. MY WOLF COMMANDED YOURS TO LET YOU SHARE THE BODY YOU HAVE TOGETHER" I explained calmly, my tail wagging a little. It had worked! NOT FOR VERY LONG.

"MY... WOLF?" she asked meekly"YES. BUT YOU ARE UNSTABLE. YOU ARE OUT OF BALANCE WITH EACH OTHER, AND CANNOT TALK TO EACH OTHER." Sootpaw seemed to shudder and her eyes were wolf eyes a moment again, monster eyes a moment before Goldie growled a little.

"TIME IS NOT PAST, WHELP." Goldie said through me, and the Wolf subsided again.

"I FEEL..." Sootpaw began, hesitating, then perked her ears up a little"IT FEELS GOOD. I FEEL SO STRONG!" She said, and even tucked between her legs, her tail was wagging a little.

"THIS IS WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE WHOLE." I said, Wolf Said. We... said.

"WE ARE A GESTALT. WE ARE TWO, AND WE ARE MORE TOGETHER THAN WE ARE APART." She got up - I let her. She tried walking around a little. The pins and needles of the change were funny to watch second hand as she trundled awkwardly around in a body her human mind wasn't prepared for and that her wolf sullenly refused, or perhaps was incapable, of sharing understanding of. Until now... the Wolf in Sootpaw was the only one that had ever worn the shape, I realized.

"THIS BODY IS THE ONE YOU SHARE." Wolf and I said together. If I really listened, I could hear her voice laced in with my own, two slightly different tones woven into one harmonious whole. It was strange feeling, but not unwelcome! I felt no need to control Wolf or tell her what to or what not to do. I trusted her.

"WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO STABILIZE? WHAT WOULD I EVEN D-?" she began, and then... froze up. Her eyes went out of focus as she looked at something in front of her, and I imagined she was looking... at her cores, the question and understanding giving birth to... what, another chance to choose? Making her aware that the choice was possible? I'd been warned right away when I entered this world that I was unstable... were other people warned when they were changed into something like us? I figured not. SHE IS CHOOSING.

"YOU GIVE UP A CORE. IT BECOMES PART OF YOUR LYCANTHROPE CORE AND YOUR UN-MERGED CORE, AND CHANGES THEM BOTH. BUT THEN YOU ARE NO LONGER UNSTABLE, AND MAY CONTROL YOUR MONSTER CORE." I explained. She shot a glace at me sharply, and blinked her still more-or-less-human eyes at me.

"YOU CAN THEN TALK WITH YOUR WOLF. IT IS LIKE BEING YOUR OWN DOG." I explained.

"BUT YOU CAN NEVER BE CURED." I said, because I wanted her to have the facts.

"I WANT TO EXIST!" Sootpaw's wolf ripped out, stealing the girl's control a moment! She couldn't, however, make the choice for the girl inside her. I somehow... just knew that. Again Goldie growled, and again Sootpaw subsided into (relative) humanity. Soot blinked and touched her chest and... spoke. Not to me. Not in her head, but aloud.

"YOU... WANT TO EXIST?" She asked, hesitant, and... seemed to let go. The Wolf pushed forward in her again to say"YES! PLEASE!" she pleaded, and there was such... desperation, such fear there that it tore a whine from my breast, filled me with compassion from my Wolf's side of the equation. I couldn't imagine rejecting her, but... she, Sootpaw, had never spoken to her self like we could before. Tears, and helpless terror filled the monster's eyes and she wept.

the monster, the Wolf inside Sootpaw wept, begged to exist again, to be allowed... to exist.

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE" her Wolf wailed, a canine sound of despair inside her. Goldie growled again, and the wolf only reluctantly subsided once again.

"SHE IS SCARED?" Soot, the girl, asked. I nodded, and bumped my muzzle against her.

"YES. WOULDN'T YOU BE? BUT IT IS YOUR CHOICE. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN MAKE IT." I said. I couldn't help but feel like... this was pressure to choose to be what we, Goldtail and I, were together, to... never be able to be a human again. Oh, human shaped, but... I wasn't human. Sootpaw seemed to calm down.

"I DIDNT KNOW YOU EXISTED. I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST A MONSTER" and deferred again, gave up control again.

"I AM YOU!" her Wolf responded, and... deferred also. The Girl surfaced again, and looked confused at me. I perked my ears a little, eyes sad, but tail swaying behind me as I nodded.

"WHAT ELSE COULD SHE BE BUT ANOTHER, STRANGER, YOU? SHE COMES FROM INSIDE YOU, SHE IS MADE FROM YOU." Sootpaw took that in, and nodded.

"I DONT WANNA BE SCARED ANY MORE" The Wolf inside her said"TRUST ME THEN, PLEASE LET ME EXIST!" And Sootpaw the Strange... chose.

"THEN... LETS BOTH EXIST" she said, and seemed to shimmer before my eyes as a sound like ice creaking, like the mutter of a storm far away filled the air around her and she seemed to bow outward a little, as something... changed about her. I inspected her, right then, right at that moment.

Rachael Ploughman has chosen to Stabilize Rachael Ploughman's DESTINY Core: [ANIMAL, MAGIC] Beast of Cinders has been subsumed Rachael Sootpaw the Strange is granted SYNERGY from her subsumed [ANIMAL, MAGIC] Beast of Cinders core Rachael Sootpaw the Strange's [MAGIC, MONSTER] Lycanthrope core returns to level 0 She'd had an animal core? Well that was neat. I knew that people could get animal cores, but... Beast of Cinders?

I was distracted though as Sootpaw stood and shook off vigorously, her namesake soot filling the air in a cloud around her as... her fur began to fill out! It wasn't black or burnt brown like the rest of her fur, but... white, in a swirl pattern on her form as it filled out on her frame and clearly itched like mad! As she shook off, her antlers - why did she even grow those anyhow? Was it because of the Beast of Cinders core? - dropped off with soft clatters into the clovers.

She whiiiined, and I got up to bump into her, to reach out and scritch at her ears. She blinked at me, and I tilted my head a little at her. I knew the spots - the canine ears we both had were perked high. I showered her in rewarding attention, scritcha-scritching her with my claws gently. She let out a chuffing noise and her legs gave out under her, leaving the kid to flop into my arms as her left leg twitchatwitched!

"NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF." I said, and pet her sleek lupine face, felt how hot she ran, how light and thin she was. She was all hard muscle and bone under my scritches as her leg... kick kick kicked adorably in a very doglike way! Then, I hugged her, scooped her still-small form up. She was much bigger in this shape, but... she was still much smaller than I was like this. There was something more I had to do tonight, before Gelidia ever entered into this equation. It was time to bathe.

My pup stank like sour sweat, burnt meat, and dirty doggo!