Chương 102: [The First Step]

The day after the group played Mortal Kombat and Crash Team Racing didn't pan out the same way. The trio had realised early that their plans of a rematch would have to wait, they had festival logistics to sort and couldn't leave it. The lads had ended up back at the flat with nothing planned so the MTG cards came out, the PS5 went on, and their evening for once looked something like it had back home.

The game of FIFA Leo and Phil were playing ended with Leo's third goal sliding into the bottom corner and Phil dropping the controller onto his knee.

"That was sweaty," Phil said.

"And? Still counts," Leo said.

"Abusing the shitty goalkeeper AI is bullshit and you know it."

"A win's a win."

"Sam. Would you say Diane abusing the Tau in your Warhammer match is fine cos 'a wins a win'?"

"Fuck no. Phil's right Leo," said Sam.

"Man, don't give me that shit. He's using your hate of the Tau and Diane rubbing it in your face to get you on side. You couldn't give a fuck about FIFA."

"Leo's right Phil. FIFA sucks." The pair looked over at the table where Sam hadn't looked up once and was still going through building as many commander decks as he could from the decks and packs he'd grabbed from the games shop.

"How's it going? Made anything disgusting?" asked Leo.

"I bet there's one deck with a billion counterspells. You sick fuck." Sam looked up and winked. Phil picked the controller back up and went back to the team select screen. Across the room Parmo was on the other side of the table, eating with one hand while the other was making small formations of ice. They would build up slowly between his fingers before fading and starting again. Luka was on the couch, head tilted back, not quite asleep.

"So," Luka said, without opening his eyes.

"How are things going with Shai?" Leo looked at the screen.

"Fine," he said.

"Come on, man. It looks a lot better than fine from where we're sitting," Luka said.

"Well, yeah. Why?" Phil put the controller down properly this time. Sam set his cards down. Parmo let the ice fade and rested both hands on the table. Leo looked at all of them and then back at the screen.

"What?"

"We're just listening," Sam said. Leo exhaled.

"Well, you know how it's going. We're all pretty much always together."

"Come on, man," Phil said.

"You know what we mean. Are you any closer to asking her out?"

"No."

"Right. So, why not? It's obvious to us as well as Rika and Torren you like her. It's got to be obvious to her as well. What's stopping you?" Leo set the controller down. He was quiet for a moment, working out where to start.

"It's just—" He stopped.

"I know it's stupid. Like, when I actually think about it I know the stuff with Kim isn't the issue anymore. I've done enough thinking about it. I know all of that's long in the past." The lads didn't speak, they let him keep going. Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

"It's just that knowing something and feeling it are different things, aren't they. And sometimes I'll be talking to Shai and there'll be a moment where my brain just—" He stopped again.

"It's like I'll be happy, having fun, I get the whole butterflies thing and then suddenly it's what if there's stuff I don't know about her or what if she changes. What happens if I let myself try and the same thing happens again. I can't go through all of that again. It's been ten years and I don't really feel like I ever fixed a lot of what she broke. You know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I know man," Luka said quietly.

"We know how much she fucked with your head dude and that's not your fault. It's not going to fix itself though. Doing nothing isn't fixing it either."

"No I know. And Shai's not—" He shook his head.

"She's nothing like her. I know that. I've known it for a while. Like, when I think back to when I thought I was happy. You know the early relationship, the honeymoon phase? Even then there were signs, but I chose to ignore them, I think. There's nothing like that with Shai."

"Then what's actually stopping you?" Phil said. Leo was quiet.

"It's two things," he said eventually.

"The first one is the stuff I just told you about but I think I can get past that. I'm a different person now to who I was before we came here. Call me vain, but the physical changes have done a lot to help. The second thing I don't know what to do with."

"Not vain dude, you went from hating yourself, a large part of it being about how you looked. The fact that your skin was as bad as it was didn't exactly help with that did it. The rest of it's because of the trauma. Totally understandable," Sam said.

"Yeah, even if you didn't reach perfection like yours truly, you've still come a long way. That's not vain dude," said Parmo, who was grinning and flexing.

"Now, that is vain, dude. But he's got a point," Luka said, laughing.

"So what's the other thing?" asked Phil.

"The whole thing with getting home and the kids." Leo looked at his hands.

"The fact that we're going back eventually. We don't know how long that'll take. Could be months, could be years. And if I start something with her—" He paused.

"What does that look like? We go home and I leave her here or I stay and never see my kids again. And I don't know when that's going to be. So every time I think about moving forward there's this thing at the back of my head that says what's the point when you know how it ends." Luka sat up on the couch properly for the first time.

"We've all thought about it," Parmo said.

"I know you have," Leo said.

"And I know you get it dude, you have the girls to think about."

"Yeah, that's a fair point," Sam said. Phil leaned forward, elbows on his knees.

"You've been miserable for ten years, mate." Leo looked at him.

"I'm not saying it to be a dick but you have. You spent years with someone who made you feel like shit and talked yourself into it being fine because the alternative was being alone. And then you spent the time after that just getting by, never moving forward because of the risk of it happening again. I know that's blunt but you know it too. You're in a position to change all of that now and there's someone who actually seems to give a shit about you and you're finding reasons not to take the chance."

"That's not—""It is though," Luka said.

"Not in a bad way. But it is." Leo looked at the floor.

"I know," he said.

"The home thing is real," Sam said.

"Nobody's saying it isn't. But you don't know when that is. Could be two years. Could be longer. And whatever happens when it comes to that, you'll deal with it then. That's future Leo's problem." He paused.

"Present Leo is standing outside something that could actually be good and will probably finally help fix a lot of what she broke. And you're talking yourself out of it because of a problem that doesn't exist yet."

"What if it hurts her," Leo said.

"When we go back."

"It will. It'll hurt both of you. But don't you think it's unfair to stop what could be a lot of happiness for both of you because of a what if?" Luka said. Leo was quiet for a long time. He thought about the kids' mum. About the things he'd let slide because he was frightened of the gap she'd leave. The way he'd talked himself into it being fine, into him being the problem, into it being something he just needed to handle better. His mates had seen it before he had.

He'd seen it too, eventually, and just kept going anyway. Shai wasn't that. He didn't know everything about her yet but what he did know was different. She was a fighter, she cared about those around her. His ex would laugh at people online she didn't like, strangers going through breakups, and he'd told himself there must have been a reason. There wasn't. She just enjoyed it. Shai was straight with him. She didn't make him feel like he had to manage her or manage himself around her.

He wanted to learn what else there was to know about her.

"I'm going to ask her out," he said. Phil sat back.

"There it is."

"Eventually," Leo said.

"I don't want to half-arse it. I'll plan something, take her somewhere."

"We'll go out," Parmo said.

"Give you the flat."

"Dude, I need time to sort out what I want to do. Just leaving us alone in the flat out of the blue again is going to look weird."

"We'll still go out," Parmo said.

"Give yourself some room. Watch DBZ again if you want. Just use the time to get more comfortable with everything."

"She'll say yes when you get round to it dude. Try to relax. Don't turn this into the next thing you get anxious over. Worrying over making this perfect is going to backfire," Luka said, from the couch.

"You don't know that."

"I do though," Luka said. Phil picked the controller back up.

"Right. Another game. And stop scoring sweaty goals."

"I'll score however I like," Leo said.

"That's what she said," said Parmo, without looking up, and went back to his ice.