Chương 166: Book 3 Chapter 16: Double the Doppelgangers

"Do we have to sit through the whole game?" The Einstein-Odinson campus was hosting a set of ballball games. As the birthplace of the only sport played both with and on a ball, the campus had one of the only ballball fields in existence, and had to play host to a lot of events centering on the sport. Though none of the current loopers played the odd sport, one of their old friends did.

"Leanne asked us to," Vell said.

"She wants to know how the ballball team is doing nowadays. Since we played that one time-""We stood around and got axes thrown at us while she did all the scoring," Harley said.

"I never even touched the ball."

"She asked if you wanted to score," Vell said.

"Anyway, she wants our opinion on how they're playing. She's doing a lot of coaching now, you know."

"I didn't know, actually, she talks to you way more than me," Harley said.

"But fine. I'll help out our girl."

"Lee's coming too, so it's not like you'll get bored," Vell said.

"I'm trying to get the other guys involved too, so-" One of the aforementioned "other guys" showed up, in the form of Kim blazing around the corner. Her metal heels scraped the floor as she skidded to a halt in front of Vell and Harley.

"The doppelgangers are here," Kim said.

"The good ones or the bad ones?"

"Both."

"Shit." Having one set of doppelgangers alone was bad enough. Having two, including a good set and an evil set, was complete bullshit. It was especially bullshit for Harley, whose doppelganger had actually murdered her on one occasion. None of the other duplicates had managed that, though perhaps not for lack of trying.

"At least the cool ones are here too," Vell said. Their counterparts from the Zeus-Stephanides school were actually quite pleasant, as opposed to the murderous, cheating assholes from Patschke-Puck.

"And we get to meet Samson's doppelgangers," Harley said.

"Speaking of, we should probably warn that dude."

"Oh, too late," Kim said.

"How do you think I know to warn you?"

"Oh boy." In spite of all expectations, Samson was actually not at all bothered by the existence of his two doppelgangers. All three groups of students were now facing off, and he was casually examining his duplicates with barely more than mild interest.

"You're taking this very well," Harley said. She'd been hoping for at least a mild reaction.

"I'm a twin, dude," Samson reminded her.

"I'm used to seeing a guy who looks like me."

"Oh, right."

"I just want to know 'why' more than anything," Samson said. He was watching Lee and her Zeus-Stephanides counterpart, Zee, try to reason with their third doppelganger, Leigh, and prevent her from setting something on fire. She had a box of matches in her hands already, so they seemed to be fighting an uphill battle.

"If we knew why, we would tell you," Harley said.

"It's one of those things that happens and you just have to roll with it."

"So Vell's…'floating friend' doesn't have anything to do with it?" Vell looked over his shoulder. Quenay appeared and shook her head.

"Not me," she said.

"And tell Samson we're on a first name basis. I know we've never talked and I've never allowed him to perceive me in any way shape or form, but I still think of us as friends."

"I'm sure he'll appreciate that," Vell said. He turned his attention back to Samson as Quenay vanished.

"She says no. Also she wants to be friends with you."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," Samson said. He had enough to deal with already, he wanted to keep the mystery Goddess at arms length for now.

"While you're compartmentalizing, have you asked what your double's names are yet?" Harley asked.

"Hopefully something easy. All this 'Lee Zee Leigh Harmony Holly Harley' stuff is getting hard to keep track of. Kim's ZS double has the same name, for christ's sake." Technically it was K. I. M. rather than Kim, but the difference was minimal. The two machines were having a perfectly pleasant robot-to-robot conversation about hardware upgrades, studiously ignoring the efforts of "fellow robot" L. I. M. (actually a student in a shoddy cardboard robot costume) to join the conversation.

"I've been a little too worried about the arson to ask," Samson said. Zee had successfully confiscated Leigh's matches, which gave him a little more room to work with.

"We can check it out now, though." Samson approached his Zeus-Stephanides counterpart first, figuring he might as well start with the nice one.

"Hey bud. Apparently you're a copy of me or something?"

"I think you're a copy of me, actually," the counterpart said.

"Gentlemen, please if we start this debate we'll be at it all day," Harley said,"It's pointless anyway," Holly, her doppelganger, added in.

"For all we know there could be a fourth group of people and we're all copies of them."

"Fuck I sure hope not, this is confusing enough already." Harley envied Vell and his complete lack of doppelgangers. There was only ever one of him to keep track of.

"Moving on. I just wanted to know your name," Samson said.

"I'm Samson. You?"

"Moses."

"Neat," Samson said. Keeping up with the biblical theme.

"You got a twin brother too?"

"Yeah, Aaron."

"That tracks," Samson said.

"Now how about this third guy?"

"Stay where you are and talk real loud," Harley advised.

"These Patschke-Puck guys can get murdery real fast."

"Ah, come on, he's a copy of me, he can't be that bad," Samson said.

"Hey bud! What's your name?"

"Cain." Samson had been just about to step forward, and he stepped right back. Cain stared at him without blinking. This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

"Cain. Huh. Heh, uh, neat," Samson said.

"Don't suppose there's an Abel in the equation?"

"There was." Samson could feel himself starting to sweat. Harley, Vell, and Moses were starting to back away. Even Harmony, Harley's murderous doppelganger, was starting to scoot away from Cain.

"Oh, heh, that's unfortunate," Samson said.

"Sorry."

"It's fine," Cain said.

"It's better this way. I like being... unique." Cain's stony expression broke into a broad, toothy grin. Samson leaned towards Moses and started to whisper.

"We got a secret base if you want to hide from this guy for the rest of the day."

"I'm in." The two twins (who were not twins of each other) turned and broke into a dead sprint. Harley did a quick double take and then dashed behind them.

"Hey! Hey! I also have a murder clone, don't lock me out!" Cain's eyes followed them the entire time as they ran, in a way that deeply unnerved everyone. Lee, being slightly more used to the presence of murderous entities, used the distraction to put Leigh in a chokehold, giving Zee time to pry the last of the flammable materials from her hands.

"Where were you even keeping this gasoline?" Zee asked, as baffled as she was concerned.

"You'd be shocked how easy it is to hide these things," Lee said. She relaxed her hold on Leigh's throat for a second.

"Now, are you done causing problems, Leigh?"

"What do I have to say to get you to let go of me?"

"I'll give you a hint: not that," Lee whispered, as she tightened her grip again.

"Fine, fine! I don't have anything else flammable on me, I swear!"

"Anything explosive?"

"No, but Harmony has some firecrackers in her purse," Leigh said. Vell snatched the fireworks before Harmony had a chance to get away from him. Satisfied that their counterparts were at least partially disarmed (she absolutely did not trust Leigh to tell the truth), Lee released her chokehold on her doppelganger. Leigh stepped away and rubbed a sore throat.

"Ugh. How are you so good at that with such skinny arms?"

"It's a matter of technique," Lee said.

"Now run along." Leigh backed away cautiously at first, and then broke into a dead sprint once she was out of arms reach. Her squadron of off-brand lackeys followed behind, with Leanna's cardboard robot costume shedding pieces at every step.

"That should keep them off our case for a solid ten minutes, at least," Zee said. The Patschke-Puck students were endlessly persistent and determined to cause problems.

"Mind teaching me how to do that chokehold, love?"

"It's all about positioning the elbows right, dear," Lee said.

"Unfortunately Leanne's not here, she's the real expert." Unlike her counterpart Leanna, Leanne had graduated on schedule, and was far, far away from the school, much to the relief of all her would-be competitors. They could have actual sporting events with actual audiences now that one woman wasn't singlehandedly dominating the competition. The crowd in the stadium was already roaring over some triumphant moment of Ballball athleticism.

"Hey boss," Jay said. He held up a phone with a cartoon icon of an eagle on the screen.

"Aetos's cage just opened."

"That's our cue," Zee said.

"Thanks for the help with the PP nerds. We better get moving."

"Good luck with your mail thing," Harmony shouted, as the Zeus-Stephanides students went to go chase an eagle. Just like the loopers, the Zeus-Stephanides students also had to contend with a daily problem. Unlike the loopers, that problem came in the form of an eagle mascot escaping its cage, and not the universe being turned upside down or everyone's bones getting rearranged randomly.

"Have fun," Vell said. Even lacking a doppelganger of his own, he still liked the Zeus-Stephanides guys. If they didn't go to school several thousand miles apart, they'd probably be friends.

"Should we get Harley and Samson out of the basement now?"

"You're just jealous you didn't join them," Kim said. Hawke denied nothing.

"Let them stay for now," Lee said.

"I actually am a bit worried about that Cain fellow."

"Eh, we're apocalypse free today, he probably won't hurt anything," Kim said. One weekend out of every month, there were no classes and therefore no apocalypses.

"There being no loop makes me more worried, not less," Lee said. It was an unfortunate reality that problems could dog them even on days without time loops.

"I'll be keeping an eye on them, though, the rest of you are free to relax." Now that he had official permission from the boss, Vell broke off and headed back to the bleachers. He took his seat back and started texting Leanne about any interesting developments or power players he spotted in the tournament. There were only a few games left in the series, and very little of it really interested Leanne, so he didn't do much texting.

Just when Vell was beginning to think he could pack up for the night, he saw Leigh and the other Patschke-Puck students marching towards the MC's booth. He stayed in his seat and started texting Lee to get on sight ASAP.

"Alright folks, our Patschke-Pucks... competitors," the MC began, noticeably hesitating to call the people who'd never won a single game "competitors".

"Want to announce that they... they what? Is that allowed?" Dean Lichman and a few of the other school leaders headed for the MC's booth, and Vell could see that a brief but intense conversation was happening.

"Okay, I have been informed that what they want to do is not, in fact, allowed," the MC said.

"But also we're all kind of curious to see where they're going with this, so we're doing it anyway!" Now Vell was getting curious too, though he still felt like this would end poorly. The Patschke-Puck doppelgangers shuffled back onto the spherical field triumphantly, with cocky smiles on their faces.

A few of their team's support staff started handing out small manuals to other athletes on the outskirts of the field, followed shortly thereafter by people filing through the stands to hand out manuals to the spectators.

"Introducing the new sport, personally invented by the students of Patschke Puck-" Someone held out a rulebook to Vell, which he politely declined. Even if he took one, he'd never be able to read it anyway.

"Orb-ball!" Vell, and the entire stadium, turned to look at the sign on the side of the stadium that said "Home of Ballball".

"Yeah, that's what I thought," the MC said, watching the crowd glance as one.

"Like I said, we're seeing where they go with this." The spectators around Vell started perusing manuals and acquainting themselves with the rules of "Orb-ball". They did not seem impressed.

"Isn't this exactly the same as Ballball?"

"No, look, there's only five players on a team," someone else said.

"Five humans players, specifically, which seems a little speciesist." Vell glanced sideways at a Hulder sitting next to him on the bleachers. She shrugged. As the spectator pointed out that minor change in the rules, the five Patschke-Puck players took their place on the field. Their opponents from the Zeus-Stephanides school followed soon after, took their places, and immediately flinched as a loud buzzer echoed through the stadium.

"The Zeus-Stephanides team is disqualified," the referee team shouted. The ZS-spectators in the audience let out a loud groan of mixed disappointment and confusion.

"What'd we do?" One of the players shouted.

"We've only got five people on the field, just like the rules say!"

"The rules don't say only five human players per team on the field," Leigh chuckled.

"They say only five human players on the field. Period. Our five were here first." Lkeigh held up her hand for a high five, and Harmony smacked it so hard her palm turned bright red. Leigh struggled to maintain a look of smug superiority as she dealt with the stinging hand, and almost managed to succeed. The Zeus-Stephanides players simply rolled their eyes and exited the field.

"Next challenger," Leigh shouted.

"But you'll automatically forfeit, unless you've got an entire team of non-humans!" Vell looked at the Hulder next to him, and then at the minotaur down the way, and then at the rows of bleachers they'd redesigned to accommodate centaurs and mermaids.

"You know we started admitting non-humans this year, right?" Leigh opened one haughty eye and stared down at a row of mermaids.

"Fuck!" Two minotaurs, one gorgon, a yacaruna, and one robot (Kim had been the first to volunteer) later, the Patschke-Puck students were soundly defeated once again. They ran back to their ship, with Leigh stopping only long enough to shake a fist at their foes.

"We'll get you next time, Einsteins!"

"You probably won't," Vell shouted, before turning his attention back to Lee.

"Nice work recruiting." Lee accepted the praise with a coy smile. She'd been the one to run around looking for sporty non-humans willing to join a team on short notice. Thanks to her quick work, the Einstein-Odinson maintained their decades-long undefeated streak versus the Patschke-Puck school.

"I'm shocked Orn didn't show up looking for trouble," Vell said.

'This seems like a perfect opportunity for self-aggrandizing."

"I actually did run into him while I was out recruiting, dear."

"Oh, so you, uh, turned him down?"

"Something like that." As the Patschke-Puck boat departed, so did ships from the other schools. The Zeus-Stephanides boat still lingered, as many of their students were slow to leave -including some very, very familiar faces.

"Hey guys," Zee said, as she passed by.

"Good work on the Orb-ball thing."

"Thanks. I see you guys found your eagle." Jay was helping KIM haul a large animal crate towards the ship. Lee waved goodbye to the rogue eagle.

"Yeah, found him trying to get frisky with a display model in the zoology department," Zee said.

"We also found a very rude centaur locked in a closet," Holly added. Lee tried not to look smug.