Chương 161: Book 3 Chapter 13: Hat Tricky

"Anybody want a hat?" Himiko approached the group of loopers, box of hats in hand, and held out her massive metal arm to display the selection. Harley appraised the various headwear and contemplated which she liked best. She didn't touch any of it yet, though.

"Where exactly did these hats come from?"

"My sister Matsuki," Himiko said.

"Her fashion company is trying to get hats to trend this summer. So they're just trying to get a bunch of young attractive people to wear hats. Grassroots marketing kind of thing."

"I'm not sure I want to be a tool for corporate advertising," Harley said.

"However, this beret does look fabulous." Harley snatched the red beret in question and put it on her head, then struck a pose. Her friends responded with a chorus of thumbs-up's to express their approval.

"I'll pass," Vell said.

"No cowboy hats in there, huh?"

"Not really. I'm just so tall already any kind of hat just makes me look sort of ridiculous," Vell said.

"Cowboy hats are better than most, but they kind of need the whole outfit to go with them. You can't just wear a cowboy hat and tennis shoes."

"You absolutely can," Harley said.

"Here, look." Harley dug a cowboy hat out of the box of hats Himiko was holding and placed it squarely on Vell's head. It felt uncomfortably tight right off the bat. Himiko looked down at the box and dug through it for a moment.

"That's weird, I don't remember there being a cowboy hat in there."

"I don't like the sound of-" Vell's complaint never reached completion, as the hat's crown widened and flexed to reveal sharp teeth. The monstrous maw of the hat swallowed Vell's head whole and bit down, severing his head at the neck in a single bite. The gathered loopers screamed in horror and surprise as the devouring cowboy hat grew spiderlike limbs and scuttled away at top speed. Lee gathered her senses enough to fire a bolt of magic after it, but the beast sprinted out of sight and around the corner.

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"Huh. That was a little John Carpenter-y," Harley said.

"I thought it was more of a Cronenberg situation," Lee said.

"What the hell are you guys talking about?" Samson knew next to nothing about classic american horror movies, so the references were lost on him. They were also lost on Himiko, who was having a panic attack due to the apparent death of one of her friends. That was already distressing, and it was made even more distressing by the fact that only Hawke even seemed worried about it.

"Old pop culture stuff, nothing important," Lee said.

"We know what we're doing today."

"Yeah, fucked up hat monster," Kim said.

"Fun times. Real original."

"Is originality a stick point in this case, dear?"

"I'm just saying, this is like the third head-based apocalypse we've had recently," Kim said.

"There was the Edison thingy, then the other day people's heads were exploding, and now there's a hat monster biting heads off. It's starting to feel like we're in a rut, yeah?"

"I feel like that's a bit unfair," Lee said.

"There's only so many ways to die. It seems inevitable there would be similar incidents eventually."

"All in a row like this?"

"Well of course it would all happen grouped together," Harley said.

"Three head-based apocalypses all group together…"

"Oh no," Kim mumbled to herself.

"It's a hat trick," Harley said. She looked absolutely delighted with herself as everyone else groaned loudly.

"Really Harley?"

"What? I see a good opportunity for a joke, I take it," Harley said.

"Vell is dead, Harley," Himiko moaned.

"Don't even worry about it," Harley said.

"Anyway, I'm done. Let's go suss out this hat monster."

"Anybody want a hat?" Himiko extended the box of hats and stepped back as Harley immediately jammed her hand into it. Her concern only grew as Harley pulled out a single hat, held up a lighter, and set the hat on fire.

"What the fuck, Harley?"

"Hold on," Harley said.

"Wait for it." They waited. The hat continued to burn. And kept burning.

"Harley, I do believe that was the wrong hat," Lee said.

"Oh. Heh. Sorry." She sheepishly put her hand back into the hatbox as Himiko shot her a judgmental glare.

"You going to incinerate my entire box of hats?"

"Not if I can help it," Harley said. She drew out another hat and held it up for Lee.

"This one?" Lee nodded, and Harley set the hat on fire. This time, the hat started to writhe and scream as it burned, and grew multiple scrambling limbs that burned to cinders in instants. Himiko stared down at the burning abomination with a look of horror on her face.

"What the fuck."

"Long story."

"I don't want to know," Himiko said. A great deal of her relationship with Harley was knowing when not to ask questions. She set the box of hats down and kicked it towards Harley.

"Feel free to incinerate the rest of those." In spite of Himiko's surrender, hats still ended up trending on the Einstein-Odinson campus. Harley looked very good in the red beret, after all.