Chương 44: The Light of the Abyss

I threw my body onto the narrow mattress stretched directly on the wooden floor, feeling the twenty percent of my bodily emotions weighing heavily beneath my rigid social mask. Silence covered the inn room where Selene, Liora, Mireya, and Akari slept together comfortably in the huge central double bed. The emptiness corroded my mind relentlessly, making rest an impossible task to execute on that biological chessboard.

I got up without making a single sound, left the room, and climbed to the high place of the inn itself, where one could see all the lights and the immensity of the city of Ithrya far below. The twilight of the dawn was freezing against my back, but I stopped my march when Selene's silhouette cut through the darkness, approaching with her cloak and her red hair standing out in the low mist. She could have pretended I didn't exist. Even so, she came after me.

"Selene, let's talk about your whisper in my ear. I didn't understand what that was about. What are you trying to do?"

"That was a joke, you only think about those perverted things! And I went out with Aurelia... So? Did she accept?"

"No, she didn't accept. And now my points with her have increased. She rejected me and won't be able to get me out of her head. She has feelings for me now; I manipulated her and got what I wanted. I won't refuse if any woman tries to seduce me. If they try, I'll fall instantly. I was thinking of focusing only on you and Liora... but I also don't want to give up on Aurelia, and there is still Queen Liria. Selene, do you remember me in a kingdom where I was a king? Do you remember anything like that?"

"No, I don't remember any of that. What was your world like, then? What was Earth like?" She changed the subject when she realized I was sinking. She did this without even noticing, just to pull me out of that mental gloom.

"It was a different place, Selene. There were blocks of glass and metal that we called cell phones, capable of transmitting messages and records across immense distances. Cars moved by themselves along stone roads without the need for horses, and the gigantic buildings were so tall they almost touched the clouds in the sky." I noticed her eyes shining intensely in the dim light, completely fascinated and impressed by the description of that modern reality as we walked slowly and looked at the city.

The mood of fascination turned serious once again beneath the wind of the high place.

"You seem to carry everything alone."

"If I share this weight with someone, it stops being just mine and becomes their problem too."

"What are you afraid of?"

"Of one day looking in the mirror and finding no one left on the other side."

"Can you still smile?"

"I can. I just don't find many reasons to."

"Do you think you'll manage to be happy?"

"I don't look for happiness. I look for a reason to keep going. Well, Selene... I killed thousands, I killed myself, I killed my wives and Aurelia along with a 10-million mana bomb, proving the maxim that every action generates an equal reaction." I saw her face paralyze in total shock and pânico, entering complete short-circuit upon processing the scale of my insanity in the era of the past empire.

"Wait, are you saying I was in that 10-million mana business?"

"Yes, you were."

"Then what was I to you?"

"My wife." The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

"Are you serious?!"

"Yes, I am. My memories are still fragmented and I remember having more women and they all died there, I think they died. But I remember you being my maid and the people not accepting me marrying you."

"A maid?"

"So I said in front of everyone in the kingdom: I am going to marry this woman because I love her, and anyone who dares lay a hand on her, I will kill that person and their family, and if they don't accept it, I will kill everyone who doesn't accept it. I spoke with those exact words." I was truly a very evil person, wasn't I? I don't regret my choices; I would do it all over again, but I know I'm wrong. I didn't want to do it, but it was necessary to rule that kingdom. I needed to rule through fear.

I sat with my head down against the ledge of the high place, letting the weight of my mutilated memories bleed into the darkness.

"Respect conquers allies. Fear prevents betrayals. Those who are loved can be abandoned. Those who are feared make others think twice before acting. I prefer to be mistrusted than to have my existence underestimated. That was how I thought. I really was pathetic. Sometimes it works, and other times it doesn't, but those choices led to the destruction of the kingdom. A king's greatest mistake isn't losing a war. It's believing that it has ended. I can't do this anymore, Selene. I had a purpose, a goal...

to get revenge on Rina. And I got my revenge. And when I did that, I lost myself... it's as if I no longer have a reason to keep going, do you understand, Selene? I've killed many people, and I will kill even more... And if I lose you, I'm afraid of what I might do to this world." No... please, don't say that. I don't want to lose the place where I finally found someone important... Selene despaired in her intimate thoughts, her chest tightening with panic.

"You don't notice when the emptiness arrives, Selene. You only notice when there is nothing left. In the end, the emptiness didn't take the people I loved. It took the person I used to be. I see humanity in these monsters, Selene, just as I see a good side inside myself. I used you."

"I know, Kuro... I'm not that stupid."

"I'm sorry for using you, Selene. If you want to leave, that's fine; I was already thinking of disbanding the party anyway."

"What? What do you mean disband?" She was still here by my side... Why? Even after I confessed that I manipulated her, she took firm steps through the gloom, approaching without retreating a single millimeter. Selene broke the distance in the darkness, knelt before me, and held my face with both hands, looking deep into my dark eyes. She leaned her body forward and pressed her forehead directly against mine. It had been so long since someone had closed the distance to me without fear. For an instant...

the silence felt warmer than any embrace. Selene poured out her ancestral vow of loyalty:"Kuro, no matter what happened, you are not to blame. You don't need to blame yourself for everything. You killed, but you had reasons to do it, so you can never give up. And no matter what happens, if you want revenge, I will be your weapon; if you need rest, I will be your lap; if you need someone to love, I will be your woman."

"Do you really believe in love, Selene?"

"I do. If you feel that you must stay with the woman you like, the person you want to protect and want by your side forever, isn't that already loving?"

"I don't think so. Do you really believe in love? Do you think this love exists or is it just an illusion humans created so we don't feel sad? That is my opinion on love. I only chase after love, I only say I love so I don't feel sad... but love only exists if you believe it exists."

"You are somewhat right... but I disagree. I believe in love."

"Selene... I will keep trying." Maybe love does exist... I've just stopped seeing it, I pondered in my thoughts, feeling the warmth of her proximity.

"Do you really have feelings for me?"

"Of course I do."

"It's just that I wanted to talk about this."

"If it's sex you want, we can do it without any problem, okay?" She still doesn't understand. My problem was never the body... it was always the soul, I reflected, maintaining my serious tone.

"This isn't about sex, Selene. This is about feelings. I don't want to hurt you, I know I can't make you happy, so I don't want to make you a tool... because deep down, I don't know what to do. I actually have feelings for you, but something tells me that I cannot be happy."

"What do you mean, Kuro? I already said, I will always be by your side, so no matter what happens, I want to be with you."

"The worst enemy isn't fear, Selene. It's the day you stop feeling fear." I stared at her face in the dim light, observing her firm countenance. I knew that was the moment of decision, and if she accepted me as I was, I couldn't let her go for anything. I had already faced monsters and kings. Even so, no battle seemed more difficult than waiting for the answer of a single girl. I knelt before the mage in the dim light, sealing the commitment aloud:"Selene, do you want to be my girlfriend?"

"Of course I do." For the first time in a long time... I felt that there was still some light inside the abyss. I need to stay by her side. I need to protect her. Even if I am empty, she was already the chosen one since I met her. She is my principal queen. The others will be important... but none will stand above her, I determined in my thoughts, making room to stand up slowly while brushing the dust off my new garments. I decided to pull the tactical trigger of the harem.

"Selene, do you really have feelings for me?"

"I think I do."

"Really?"

"I've never dated before... so I don't know much about it, but I think it is love, yes."

"Then that's fine, Selene. Since you say so, I believe you. You don't mind me having multiple wives, right?"

"What do you mean multiple? How many do you intend to have?"

"Oh, I think about a hundred wives." Selene's jaw dropped instantly in pure shock, before her cheeks turned completely red with indignation and jealousy.

"We are breaking up!" Idiot... I was starting to take this seriously, the mage thought, ranting angrily in the exact same moment as she turned her back. Great... she got angry. That means she truly cares, endgame in my thoughts, laughing internally at the outcome.

"I still don't know."

"Then let's go back."

"Yes, let's go back, Selene." We walked back in silence, stopping before the wooden door that led to the inn room. For the first time since everything began... I wasn't alone.

"Then let's go, love."

"Yes, let's go, Selene." We crossed the entrance and returned to the dark room. I watched Selene climb into the gigantic double bed beside the other girls, while I lay down again on the single mattress stretched on the floor. I fixed my dark eyes on the ceiling in the stillness of that dawn, letting my mind process the last pieces of the board before morning: Some people enter the abyss. Others discover they have always lived inside it. The abyss never answered my questions. It only gave a worse version of me.

But, on that dawn... for the first time, I had the impression that the abyss was not completely empty.