Chương 473: B7—Chapter 49: Welcome to the Tall Tax Capital

The closer we got to the city, the greener the scenery became. Before that point, the green was only along the riverbanks, while everything farther out stayed brown and yellow. Now the land woke up around us. The grass thickened, bushes appeared in clumps, and the whole area looked less dehydrated. We sailed through a stretch that looked like a postcard. Waterfalls poured from the cliffs on both sides. Not like the tall one we jumped off, lower, but still impressive, with curtains of water falling into the river.

Some were narrow and fast, others wide and slower, but they all blended into the same constant rumble. Fine mist drifted across the river and clung to my skin like cool sweat. The cliffs differed from what we had seen so far. On one side, a thick layer of trees covered the stone, and the branches tangled together. On the other side, the trees thinned out, and the land opened onto rolling hills. Mahya leaned on the rail and let out a low whistle.

"Looks like the place finally remembered it's supposed to be alive." Al nodded.

"There is considerably more water in this region. It would explain the location of the city." Occasionally, we passed crazy gnome boats. None were like the one that tried to beach itself, but all of them had an unexplained number of chimneys and other things that made no sense. One boat drifted sideways while its paddle wheel spun in the wrong direction. Another had eight chimneys puffing out different colors, like someone fed it a rainbow and it was trying to cough it back up.

A third boat floated low in the water, overloaded with pipes that looped around the deck like metal noodles. Two gnomes sat on top of it with clipboards, arguing over which lever was the "real" brake. Another vessel came into view, looking like a floating shed. An honest-to-God shed. Wooden boards nailed together, a window on the side with curtains, and a tiny flower box with actual flowers.

A metal arm extended from the roof, dunking a bucket into the river and pouring the water back in on the other side of the boat for no apparent reason. The gnome steering it waved cheerfully at us before his boat lightly bumped the riverbank, corrected itself, bumped it again, corrected itself again, and continued down the middle like this was normal. The next one had no chimneys at all but had a giant spinning fan on the back, powered by two gnomes taking turns kicking a pedal.

One kicked while the other held onto a railing for dear life. Then they switched. The boat lurched and rattled with every kick. At least the fan did push it in the desired direction. Mahya covered her mouth to hide a smile.

"They are like children who were given tools with no supervision."

"They are like children who stole the tools," I said. Al looked thoughtful.

"Their creativity is impressive. Their safety awareness is not." Rue summed it up perfectly.

"Genomey boats stupid." We kept going, following the river as it narrowed again and bent left. The trees grew taller, and the whole place smelled cleaner. Fresh water, wet stone, crushed leaves. Nice after the endless dry parts behind us.

"Better view than I expected," I said. Mahya grinned.

"Let us hope the city is as nice." We followed the river until the terrain flattened into rolling fields dotted with metal sculptures. At least I thought they were sculptures. One whistled, rotated, and spit out a cloud of purple smoke as we passed, so it might have been a scarecrow or a weather machine or something else only the gnomes could explain. The city itself sat on a low rise, surrounded by a wall made of stone, metal pipes, and what looked like parts of a clock tower hammered in without planning.

A long ramp zigzagged up to the main gate, switching direction every few meters for absolutely no reason I could understand. The river widened as we approached the city, and the cliffs dropped away completely. The water opened into a big harbor packed with boats. The same insanity from the river continued here. Mahya slowed us down to avoid a pair of vessels drifting sideways toward each other, then threaded us through the chaos while she searched for an empty spot.

"There," she said, pointing to a space between a boat shaped like a dome and another that looked normal. An explosion came from the normal one; it jumped about a meter into the air and crashed back down with a heavy splash.

"Bad idea," I said. Mahya made a face and nodded. We moved farther up the harbor until she found a space between two relatively small fishing boats. They still looked crazy, with pipes sticking every which way, but I understood Mahya's logic. They were too small to cause too much mayhem. She eased us in. I grabbed the rope and got ready to tie us up, but before we could even reach the post, someone started screaming.

A gnome in bright yellow overalls sprinted along the dock, waving two red flags like he was trying to guide an aircraft. He ran right up to us, jumped over a coil of rope, and planted himself at the edge of the harbor.

"Stop. Stop. Keep stopping. More stopping. Still stopping," he shouted, even though Mahya already had us motionless.

"We are literally not moving," I said. The gnome ignored that, squinted at our boat, and immediately frowned.

"No chimneys. No wheels. No backup horn. No emergency whistle. This is unacceptable."

"It floats," I said. He sniffed.

"So do dead fish." Mahya raised an eyebrow.

"We want to dock and enter the city."

"Of course you do," he said.

"But before anyone docks, we require inspection, classification, documentation, weight assessment, documentation of the documentation, fire readiness approval, and a full registration of all the large ones." Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there. Rue perked up.

"Large ones?" He asked in mana speech. The gnome blinked at him.

"Not you. You are a monster. Monsters pay the big tax. Stretchlings pay the tall tax." Mahya raised an eyebrow.

"Tall tax?" The gnome nodded proudly.

"Yes. Stretchlings are very welcome here. Very profitable. You need tall doors and tall beds and tall food portions. Triple rates. Other cities are stupid. They tell Stretchlings to go away. But we know better. Tall people have tall wallets." He then jabbed a thumb at Rue.

"And monsters have big wallets too. Or they belong to people with big wallets. So monster tax also applies." We looked at each other, shrugged together, and decided to roll with the insanity. The gnome nodded to himself, then hurried off, explaining nothing, and vanished behind a stack of crates. A moment later, I heard metallic rattling and frantic muttering. He reappeared, pushing a small trolley piled so high with papers that the stack wobbled dangerously with every bump. We jumped to the dock.

He parked it in front of us with a proud gesture.

"Here. All required forms. You fill these in triplicate. Then we do the checks. Then you pay the entry fee. Then you sign the forms that confirm you filled them out. After that, we begin stage two." Al looked at the mountain of paperwork for a long second. Then he cleared his throat.

"Is there a method to… expedite this process? For an appropriate fee, of course." The gnome froze.

"Expedite?" Al inclined his head.

"Yes. How much?" He glanced around and leaned in.

"For skipping, only two hundred gold." Mahya handed him a pouch without blinking. The gnome weighed the pouch with both hands, and his smile stretched from ear to ear.

"Perfect. You are now fully inspected, classified, and documented. Welcome to Citybesidetheriverthatcurves." He leaned closer and tapped the pouch with a knowing nod.

"I see you understand the meaning of life. The secret of living well." He lowered his voice.

"It is gold. Everything can be solved with gold." He winked.

"Remember this truth every moment you are in the city." We tied the boat properly and headed for the ramp. It creaked under our weight, and I had no idea how it stayed attached to anything, but it held. Gnomes rushed up and down it carrying tools, pipes, and what looked like laundry baskets filled with gears. Nobody paid us much attention, except for the occasional cheerful wave when they noticed Rue. Halfway up, a loud clang echoed from the gate area. A metal bucket rolled past us, bouncing down the ramp.

Right behind it came a gnome sprinting after it with both hands stretched forward like he was trying to catch a runaway chicken.

"Stop. Stop. Stop rolling," he yelled at the bucket.

"I told you not to escape again." The bucket hit a stone, flipped in the air, and landed upside down. The gnome froze, sighed in defeat, and saluted the bucket. We rolled with it. At the gate, a gnome stood with his arms crossed, clearly aiming for menacing, but the result was more cute than anything else.

"Can we enter the city?" Mahya asked.

"Yes, of course," he said, puffing up with importance.

"Entry is possible only after the standard inspection, the mandatory cross-check, the double approval stamp, the triple approval stamp, and the non-required but strongly suggested orientation walk." Al sighed and handed the gnome a handful of gold coins. The gnome's chest swelled, and he nodded with sudden professional enthusiasm. He marched to the wall, reached behind a metal panel, and pulled a lever. Nothing happened. He pulled another one. Still nothing. He pulled a third, then a fourth, then kicked the panel.

The whole gate rattled. He cupped his hands around his mouth.

"Gate crew. Activation time." A series of thumps rose from behind the wall. Then muffled shouting. Then a loud splash. Someone yelled, "Who moved the ladder?" A second later, the gate lurched upward, swung sideways, and then slammed open as if punched out from the inside. Three gnomes tumbled out of the opening, rolled across the ground, sat up, and saluted us, each in his own style. One waved wildly. One smacked his own chest repeatedly. One bowed so low he almost ate dirt.

"Welcome, visitors," they said in unison. By this point, I was holding my face muscles as rigid as possible, thinking it would be rude to laugh my ass off, but it was a close thing. A very close thing. Keeping a neutral expression was one of the hardest things I'd ever done in my life. Mahya looked completely unaffected, but Al kept making those tiny snort noises I could only hear because of my heightened Perception. Yeah, he was having just as much trouble holding it in. Inside the city, the noise hit me first.

Clanging, whistling, creaking metal, and somewhere in the distance a rhythmic boing. The buildings crowded together, connected by rope bridges and metal walkways. Pipes ran overhead in a spiderweb. One of them dripped blue liquid into a bucket. The streets were full of the same boxy little go-karts with the weird modifications and the same poor driving. We asked the next gnome we saw, a woman with three pairs of goggles on top of her head, where we could find an inn.

"Inn?" She blinked at us.

"For sleeping?"

"Yes," I said. She pointed upward with both hands.

"Second right, third left, and you'll find the Sleepy Sprocket Inn. It's big enough for a Stretchling. Very good business for them." Mahya narrowed her eyes.

"Big enough?"

"Oh yes," the gnome said proudly.

"Stretchlings pay more. Much more. Very wise owners." The inn turned out to be a three-story structure with wooden walls and a roof covered in metal plates arranged like shingles. A wooden sign swung outside: SLEEPY SPROCKET INN. The sign moved because a small gear beneath it rotated. Inside, the lobby looked cozy if you ignored the tubes running along the ceiling and the occasional clink of something dropping inside them. And the woman was right; it was almost big enough.

Al's head brushed the tubes, but Mahya and I were fine. The innkeeper, a relatively tall gnome with a purple beard, popped up from behind the counter and waved at us with both hands.

"Welcome, welcome. The best place for rooms and food. For a triple price, of course."

"Of course," I said. He beamed at me.

"We'll take three rooms," Mahya said. The innkeeper brightened instantly and scribbled so fast the pen squeaked.

"Excellent. Breakfast at dawn. Unless the kettle escapes again. Then breakfast at… whenever we catch it." After paying for the rooms, we stepped back outside and made our way through the bustling, nonsensical streets. A row of metal flowers sat along one street. They opened and closed rhythmically, powered by puffs of steam that smelled faintly of cinnamon. I inhaled deeply and enjoyed the smell. It was still crazy, but it didn't stop me from enjoying it.

A group of gnomes crowded around a tall contraption with dozens of gears spinning in different directions. One gnome pulled a lever. A tray lifted. A bell rang. A ball rolled. A valve hissed. A tiny flag popped out that read: SUCCESS.

"What does it do?" Mahya asked. A nearby gnome beamed.

"It reminds us to check the device that reminds us to check the other device!"

"That clears nothing up," I said.

"Oh! You're new," he said, brightening. Mahya whispered, "They're adorable." A group of children ran past carrying something that whined like a saw. A moment later, the explosive pop of a small boiler echoed somewhere nearby. Al glanced at me.

"We should perhaps avoid that area." Rue trotted ahead, sniffing the air.

"Rue smell food."

"Lead the way, buddy." We found a café run by a grandmotherly gnome, stirring three pots at once—each on a different kind of burner: steam, flame, and something glowing blue.

"What will you have, dears?" she asked once we sat down. I looked out the window at the insanity and at her strange burners and winced.

"Something safe." She laughed.

"We don't serve that here." We all froze. Then she winked.

"I'm joking. Probably." While we waited, the grandmother gnome pointed toward the street.

"If you plan to stay long, be careful of the evening stampede." A distant rumbling echoed. She sighed contentedly.

"Ah. Right on time." We stepped outside just in time to see two dozen gnomes sprinting down the road after the aforementioned stampede. A barrel with legs, a propeller, and a very clear desire to escape the city. Mahya grinned.

"I kind of love it here." Yeah, I did too. Al made a disgusted sound.