Chương 423: The Naked Crab and The Polite Bandits

The journey East continued. The crystalline ground of Lumina eventually gave way to sandy loam and then to shifting dunes of white sand. The air grew heavier, tasting of salt and vastness. Li Yu's mood was high. He could hear the distant roar of waves. However, before he reached the ocean he encountered a massive traffic jam on the Great Salt Road. Hundreds of carriages, merchant caravans and angry cultivators were stopped dead. The line stretched on as far as he could see. This was a main road that many took.

People were shouting, beasts of burden were sitting in the sand looking bored and a general air of frustration hung over the dunes. Li Yu tapped a red-faced merchant on the shoulder. The man was currently screaming at the sky.

"Excuse me," Li Yu said politely.

"Is there a toll booth ahead?"

"Toll booth?" the merchant spat.

"I wish! It's a mountain! A mountain walked onto the road and sat down! It hasn't moved for six hours!" Li Yu raised an eyebrow.

"A walking mountain? Fascinating." He bypassed the line of carriages and then used the Void Step to flicker past the angry mob. When he reached the front of the line, he saw the obstruction. It wasn't a mountain. It was a crab. Specifically, it was a Titanic Spirit Hermit Crab. It was roughly the size of a three-story tea house. But there was a glaring problem. It didn't have a shell which made it look quite weird. Its massive soft spiraled abdomen was exposed, pink and vulnerable.

It was glistening in the harsh sun. It was currently huddled in the middle of the road, frantically trying to cover its shame with a pathetic clump of palm trees it had uprooted with its two claws. A group of local city guards were standing around it, poking it with long spears but it was clear their weapons couldn't get through its thick skin.

"Move, beast!" the captain shouted. The crab let out a high-pitched, chittering screech that sounded like metal grinding on glass. It waved its massive pincers frantically, smashing the ground and sending sand flying everywhere, but it refused to uncurl. More importantly, it didn't try to harm anyone, it was simply there.

"It's attacking!" the captain yelled, raising his shield.

"Prepare the ballista! We'll turn it into soup!" The crab flinched visibly at the word "soup," curling even tighter and letting out a mournful wail. Li Yu watched this tragedy for a moment. He tilted his head. Inside his spiritual ocean, the Koi's ability activated and he felt emotions. He felt a crushing sense of embarrassment coming from the crab.

'Naked... vulnerable... soft parts burning... shame...' The emotions were so strong they were practically projecting images of the crab trying to find a hole to hide in. It wasn't aggressive; it was mortified.

"Stop poking it," Li Yu said calmly, stepping past the guards. He flared his aura up to show some authority and to not be dismissed as simply a young boy.

"It's not attacking. It is having a panic attack." The captain glared at Li Yu.

"Who are you? This thing is blocking trade! If it doesn't move in ten minutes, we're calling the Sect Elders around this area to help us move it!" Li Yu ignored him. He walked up to the massive, trembling crustacean. He raised a hand, projecting a calming aura of water-aspected Qi, amplified by the Koi.

"Hey," Li Yu said softly, his voice carrying a resonance that only the beast could truly understand.

"I know. It's drafty out here." The crab froze. Its stalk eyes lowered to look at Li Yu. It sensed the Koi and the authority that it seemed to carry with it. It sensed the water. It clicked its mandibles softly.

'Need... home...' the feeling washed over Li Yu's mind.

'Outgrew... old sunken ship... butt... too big... cold...' Li Yu nodded sympathetically.

"Housing crises are a universal struggle for all. You grew too fast, didn't you?"

'Cultivation... breakthrough... shell exploded...' the crab signaled sadly. Li Yu looked around. The crab needed a shell immediately or it wouldn't move. Li Yu checked his storage ring. He had wine, he had food, he had clothes but he didn't have a portable cave. His eyes scanned the landscape. About two hundred yards off the road, there was a massive outcropping of stone, a solitary boulder the size of a small hill. It was roughly spherical and certainly large enough.

"Wait here," Li Yu told the crab.

"Don't pinch anyone." Li Yu blurred. He appeared in front of the massive boulder. Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings. He pulled out his bamboo staff.

"Let's test the precision of the Drunken Monkey," Li Yu murmured.

"Elder Yuan said this style was for destruction but art is just destruction with a plan." He didn't smash the rock. He danced around it. His staff moved like a chisel. He used the Comet's Kiss thrust technique but he dialed back the power, focusing entirely on penetration and rotation. Thwack-thwack-thwack-thwack. Chunks of stone flew into the air like gravel. Li Yu moved in a blur, carving out the center of the boulder, spiraling inwards. He shaved off the rough edges on the outside to reduce the weight.

He carved a smooth spiraled opening. He even added a little ventilation chimney at the top because he felt generous. In less than three minutes, the massive boulder had been transformed into a hollow stone snail shell.

"Heavy," Li Yu grunted as he lifted it. He didn't use Qi to lift it; he used pure physical strength, his muscles bulging under his robes. His feat of strength impressed the people that were watching him work with some cultivators looking on in envy. They could sense that he wasn't using any qi and yet he was so strong. Li Yu walked the stone shell over to the crab and set it down with a heavy THUD that shook the ground.

"Try this on," Li Yu gestured.

"Custom fit." The crab's eyes widened. It chittered excitedly. It turned around and awkwardly backed its massive, spiraled tail into the stone opening. It wiggled. It shimmied. It did a little squat to settle the weight. Pop. It fit perfectly. The crab stood up, now wearing a custom-made granite mansion. It tapped the stone with a claw. It felt solid. It felt safe.

'Gratitude... safety... King... of... Road...' The crab did a happy dance, clacking its claws together like castanets.

"Now, you have two options," Li Yu said, pointing to the ocean.

"Go find a deep trench to live in or you can follow me. I have a special place you can stay at and grow. I won't be asking anything of you besides that you live a good life." The crab bowed its massive body to Li Yu. Li Yu thought it was submitting to him and asking to join but then it scuttled sideways off the road, smashing through a dune and heading for the water with surprising speed, looking like a moving mountain.

'Everyone has their own desires and destiny, I wish you luck!' Li Yu thought as he watched it move. The traffic jam cleared. The guard captain that Li Yu had spoken to earlier stared at him with wide eyes.

"You... you just carved a house for a crab in three minutes."

"Everyone deserves a roof over their head," Li Yu shrugged, dusting powder off his shoulder.

"Even if it's a rock." Li Yu continued on his journey. The next day, he decided to take a shortcut through a narrow canyon known as Echo Gorge. He was halfway through eating a Sun-Crisp Apple when three figures jumped out from behind a rock.

"HALT!" They were wearing bright red bandanas that looked brand new and they were holding rusty scimitars that looked like they would shatter if they hit a wheel of cheese. They looked about as threatening as a basket of kittens.

"We are the Red Sand Gang!" the leader shouted. He was a skinny man who looked like he hadn't eaten a solid meal in a week. His voice cracked mid-shout.

"Stand and deliver!" Li Yu stopped chewing.

"Deliver what?"

"Your money! Your jade! Your... uh..." The leader squinted at Li Yu's staff.

"Your stick!" Li Yu looked at them. Their stances were terrible. Their feet were too close together, center of gravity high. Their breathing was ragged. They were clearly mortals or perhaps failed cultivators stuck at the first stage of body refining.

"I don't have money," Li Yu lied effortlessly.

"I am a poor wandering scholar. I survive on dew and poetry."

"Don't lie!" the second bandit said, pointing a shaking finger.

"We saw you buy that apple at the last village! That was a high-grade Sun-Crisp Apple! That costs two copper coins!"

"We need the copper!" the third bandit wailed, dropping his sword.

"We have overhead costs! Do you know how expensive red dye is? We had to dye these bandanas ourselves!" Li Yu sighed. He sat down on a rock.

"You guys are terrible at this."

"We're trying!" the leader defended, looking hurt.

"We used to be accountants for the Salt Guild in the city. But they replaced us with an automated Abacus Array! We were laid off! We had to turn to crime to feed our families!"

"But we're bad at violence," the second bandit admitted, picking up his sword apologetically.

"I get nauseous when I see blood. I fainted when I cut my finger yesterday."

"And I have bad knees," the third added.

"Jumping out from behind rocks is really hard on the joints." Li Yu rubbed his temples.

"So, let me get this straight. You are accountants. You are organized. You are good with numbers. And you decided to become highwaymen?"

"It seemed like the logical career pivot," the leader shrugged.

"High risk, high reward."

"Why don't you just offer your services to the other bandits around here?" Li Yu suggested. The three froze.

"Think about it," Li Yu continued, taking another bite of his apple.

"I passed a group of fierce-looking marauders ten miles back. The Black-Skull Gang. They only steal from the rich and do not kill. They looked like they had a mountain of loot and absolutely no idea how to organize it. They were arguing about who owed who for lunch." The leader's eyes widened.

"Consulting..." he whispered.

"Audit the wicked..." the second bandit gasped.

"Banditry Administration!" the third cheered.

"We could charge a processing fee for managing their stash! We could create a pension plan for retired marauders!"

"We could offer deductible expense reports for sword sharpening and horse maintenance!" the leader shouted, his accountant soul igniting with passion. The leader dropped his rusty sword and bowed deeply to Li Yu.

"Scholar! You have opened our eyes! We were trying to steal the gold, when we should have been managing the gold! That is where the real power is!"

"Go forth," Li Yu waved his hand.

"Balance the books of the underworld. But becareful! Not all bandits are nice and they might try to kill you!" The three ex-accountants ran off toward the direction of the Black-Skull Gang, arguing excitedly about depreciation rates on stolen horses and how to categorize 'plunder.'

"The world is such a strange place. People are adapting to their circumstances every single day. I hope those three make it out okay. They would have probably died sooner rather than later if they kept doing what they were doing though." Li Yu quietly spoke to himself as continued on.