Chương 23: Death Wish: Part I

Most of the mall's top floor was dedicated to the huge, circular room that held the shielding station, and it was beautiful. The room was designed like an outdoor garden with high, towering walls, and most of the floor consisted of a mixture of grass, flowerbeds, and stone paths. Small hedges and marble half walls partitioned off the various areas, and a smattering of benches and tables gave plenty of areas for people to relax and enjoy the sights.

Statues, dozens of them, were scattered across the room, all of different Magical Girls in heroic looking poses. Adding to the atmosphere was the glass dome that made up the room's ceiling, and I was sure on a night with stars showing, the room would look otherworldly. Of course, while all of it looked nice, what really put the room together was the shielding station. Or, rather, it was what was housing the technology that created the shield.

A giant aquamarine crystal rose from the ground in the direct center of the room. It was easily twenty feet tall, and was wide as a bus at the base before gradually tapering off to a point at its peak. The crystal's edges were rough and unevenly cut, giving it a natural, asymmetrical look. Combined with the glass dome ceiling, I was sure the crystal was dazzling during the day with the sun shining down on it.

As it was, it merely glittered from the various lights hanging around the room, which might have been for the best. As distracting as the crystal already was, I didn't need more light reflecting off it while I was fighting. I sighed, glancing around the room once again. Taking the area from the few Anathema guarding it had been easy, but stressful.

Selene had gone ahead of me to the main security room and closed all four of the thick security doors leading into the room except for one that she'd left only slightly open. With the doors sliding shut from either end of a wall, it left a narrow opening that I'd been able to shoot through as they came at me.

Most had died on the run up to the door as they funneled towards me and made themselves easy targets, and the ones that hadn't had either perished trying to squeeze through the door or on the retreat back when they realized they weren't going to make it through. Between that fight, clearing my way to the shielding station, and taking out a few Anathema patrols as I gathered the supplies I needed, I'd taken out twelve more Anathema.

Five Fomorian Hounds, three Forsaken Ghouls, two Giant Cavern Wasps, and two new types I hadn't seen before. The first was a Fomorian Spinethrower, a creature resembling a hedgehog with a back covered in spines, four long, serrated tails, and a turtle-like head. Each of the tails ended with a dozen of thin, finger-length tendrils that Selene told me the creature used to pull out and throw the spines growing from its back.

I'd not experienced it personally because I'd ambushed and killed the monster before it could do much more than spin around to face me, netting me a nice twenty points. The second new Anathema I'd faced was a Lesser Lashbat. It was little more than a ribcage with wings and a tail that ended in a blade. It reminded me a lot of a manta ray, just with bone spikes sticking under its body. Apparently, its preferred tactic was to dive bomb its prey and whip its bladed tail at someone as it flew past.

That, or it latched onto their face with its protruding ribcage. Again, I hadn't had to experience it. The Lashbat had been in the shielding station room, and I'd shot it down from behind the door the second I saw it coming at me. A single lucky hit had been enough to ground it, the bullet shredding through the meat of one wing and rendering it basically immobile. After I dealt with the rest of the Anathema charging the door, I'd gone and finished it off for fifteen points. In total, I'd earned 125 points.

Before I'd left the shelter, I'd spent twenty points of my thirty on 300 rounds of ammunition and an additional five magazines, bringing me down to ten points. Adding the points I'd earned from the Anathema on the way up, that gave me 135 to work with, and I'd spent every last one buying only what I absolutely needed.

Twenty points had been spent on a Zenith enhanced shirt and leggings for more protection, and I was wearing my old enhanced clothing over them even though I hadn't wasted any time washing out the blood soaking my jeans. I wanted every second I could to get my preparations in order for the battle to come. The battle… I shivered, and Selene glanced up at me from the bench we sat at.

The center of the room was slightly raised in a circular shape, and a half wall helped divide the central area from the artful garden around it. We sat at one of the many benches that had been placed along the dividing wall so people could sit and look at the dazzling gem. Interestingly enough, the crystal technically wasn't the shielding station, it was merely a defensive barrier and conduit for the magitech held deep inside of it.

The crystal was supposed to be hyper durable, capable of withstanding damage from all but the strongest of Anathema. [Is there something wrong?] Selene asked me, and I shook my head.

"No… I was just thinking… Do you think we can really hold out for five minutes?" [Using the strategy we developed with Error Machina? Yes. After personally examining the security doors, however, I'm afraid I would have to agree with his worst-case assessment. If we simply closed them, they would only be able to withstand Anathema below level fifty. Anything higher would be able to damage them significantly, and level 100s would not face much issue tearing them down. The doors are built two inches thinner than regulation, I'm afraid. Though, I find it hardly surprising considering the other corners the mall's management decided to cut.] The stump of my left arm itched, and I resisted the urge to scratch at it, or even let myself think about it too hard.

"Will the Anathema be smart enough to go for the door we leave opened, though?" I asked, trying to distract myself.

"They haven't seemed that smart so far. Why wouldn't they just attack the doors?" [They might at the beginning, but once they hear the gunshots and notice other Anathema heading in one direction, they will follow suit. At lower levels, they may be rigid and unimpressive in their tactics, but they still have a base, animalistic instinct they follow. Part of that is to go through the path of least resistance. Even when a higher level anathema is acting as a coordinator or commander, it is the behavior they immediately turn to.]"Okay," I looked down at my Umbra sitting in my lap and ran my thumb idly over its side. A tense quiet settled between us, and I found myself fidgeting. There was a pressure in my chest, a tightness that wouldn't go away whenever I looked at Selene. It had been building ever since we left on our mission, getting worse and worse with each passing moment. I knew I had to say something, but…

I wasn't sure there was anything I could say. Not to make things better, at any rate. Which meant there was only one option left.

"Selene," I whispered, voice cracking.

"I'm… I'm sorry. That you're stuck here with me, and that… you have to die, too." Selene's head snapped to me, her body freezing, and I suppressed a flinch. She stared at me for a long moment, and I found it hard to breathe. The pressure in the air felt exactly the same as just before I'd left the shelter, when Officer Oh and Sergeant O'Malley had helped me refill all my empty magazines with the ammo I'd purchased. The atmosphere had been… stifling.

While Sergeant O'Malley had simply seemed subdued, Ji-woo had been… strained. She'd been overly nice whenever she was talking to me, but her voice had always had a thin, thready undertone to it, like she was one wrong step away from snapping. It had made the hurried few moments I spent in the shelter almost unbearably tense. Even her words as I left still made me shiver.

"I'll see you when this is all over, all right?" I'd only nodded in response, even though I was pretty sure we both knew how this was going to end. I knew I should have said something else, to make it easier on her, but I hadn't been able to find any words or the courage to say them. It was that same pressure I felt now, and as I saw Selene's tails begin to resume their gentle swaying, I took a deep breath and braced myself. Whatever Selene wanted to say, I would hear it. She'd been bound to me, after all.

It hadn't been her choice to do this, and if she had gotten any other girl as her Guardian, she would probably have had a good chance of escaping with them. Instead, she'd gotten me, a Dark Magical Girl who couldn't even use her Astral Shift. She'd gotten the worst luck being assigned to me. So I looked down at the floor, hunching into myself with the knowledge that I was the one who doomed her. It was my biggest regret about all of this, and no matter her response, I would hear it. I owed her that much.

[There are two things I would like to say,] Selene began, her voice calm and oddly analytical. [First, even should you die, I will still most likely survive.] I snapped my head up in shock, meeting Selene's gaze with wide eyes. [I am a magical construct housed in your Soul Gem, and it is almost completely indestructible to everything but the highest levels of magic or Anathema. Even if you were to die, there is one last contingency that takes place. I would first manifest a physical form with your Soul Gem inside of me. From there, I would have one hour to reach another source of mana to sustain myself. Barring any unfortunate encounters with a powerful Anathema capable of seeing through the stealth magics protecting me, I would almost certainly be able to make it to Guardian Command and continue living as an untethered Familiar.] I closed my eyes as relief flooded through me. No, it was something more powerful than simple relief.

Inside of me, it felt like a throbbing wound of guilt and shame had just been closed. I hadn't even known Selene for an entire day, and she'd helped me with such kindness and patience… She'd had my back the entire time, never judging, never prying, and the knowledge that I was repaying her by getting her killed had been eating me up the past hour. A deep, stuttering exhale escaped me, and I felt my muscles relaxing as all the built up tension left my body.

[The second thing I wish to say,] Selene continued, drawing my attention back to her, [is that there is no other Magical Girl I would rather be with right now, even if it meant making my demise a certainty. In these short hours we have been together, you have been nothing less than the embodiment of selflessness and courage. You have fought with all your heart, and I am proud to call myself your Familiar. I have no regrets, Mai Kuroki, except that you were denied the full extent of the powers you so rightfully deserve.] My vision blurred, and I turned away from Selene even as warmth flooded my chest and turned my cheeks red. I tried to say something, to tell her that nothing I'd done was that special, that anybody given the same powers I had would do the same. Instead, I only managed a vague, incoherent noise. She was kind, even if she was overembellishing my actions.

She made what I'd done sound all noble and heroic, but all of it was just simple math and common sense. If a kid was in danger, you tried to help them. If hundreds were going to die, you risked the one life that could protect them. If your friend was in danger, you tried to save them. And if you did something horrible, something you could never make right, you spent your life trying to make up for it anyway. [In any case,] Selene continued, [do not give up just yet, Mai. There's still hope. After the five minutes are up and the shield is restarted, all you have to do is run. Escape through the doors opposite the one we're leaving open, and run into the elevator. I'll stay behind and close the shielding station's doors behind you, preventing any Anathema from following. The elevator doors are reinforced, and even if they try to pry them open, you can always run and hide on another floor. It's a good plan.] Stolen novel; please report.

I wiped at the dampness around my eyes, and nodded even though I didn't really believe her. The plan only worked assuming a thousand little things went exactly perfect. For instance, the plan assumed all the Anathema would be drawn away from the door I was escaping from. If my escape route opened and there were any waiting for me, I would have to fight through a swarm to make it to the elevators. For that matter, the plan also assumed I would be in decent enough shape to make the run after five minutes of fighting.

I had no illusions about my physical abilities, and the two best adjectives that described them would be weak and frail. More than that, fighting for five minutes straight was a long time. I'd read about that somewhere, that even just a few minutes of life-or-death physical exertion was enough to exhaust even a seasoned fighter. Sure, I had read it in a fantasy book, but I already knew from experience how accurate it still was. After my fight with the Arachnomantis, I had been absolutely exhausted.

I wasn't sure how long it had actually taken, but it couldn't have been much longer than two minutes. The only saving grace I had was that I was using a gun, and theoretically, I wouldn't be moving nearly as much as a melee weapon would require. Combined with the fact that the first minute would probably only be a few Anathema arriving in a slow trickle, and I was only looking at four minutes of heavy exertion maximum. But once the higher level Anathemas reached me in the last minute or so…

It would all come down to stalling them as long as possible, and ideally, with the plan we'd put together, they wouldn't even make it inside the shielding room with me. But that all relied on assumptions. Lots of them. Maybe if this was a game where the enemies were controlled by a predictable AI, this plan had a chance of working. As it was, with all the variables and things that could go wrong… I took in a deep, steadying breath as a pang of fear echoed through me, and I pushed it down furiously.

Honestly, I was just surprised how little I'd felt leading up to this moment. Maybe it was because deep down, I knew this was going to be it, that the sliver of hope to escape was nothing more than a daydream. Maybe I'd just come to accept what was going to happen. Or maybe it was because this was just what needed to be done. Even if this entire situation was screwed up, going through with this was still my choice.

Something about that gave me a place to anchor myself, and when the panicky fear pulsed through me at the thought of how this was going to end, I was able to hold firm in the knowledge that what I was doing would save people's lives. It would save Lily's life, and the lives of all her friends. And maybe… all those things put together was enough? Not enough to make me some fearless hero like Selene seemed to think I was, but enough to keep me moving forward. And, hopefully, that was all I needed.

"Is there anything else we can do to prepare?" I asked Selene, looking back up at the towering crystal. [Hmm. You might want to silence your kill notifications other than the chime that plays when you successfully defeat an Anathema. For that matter, doing the same for your level ups would be wisest. You can also make it so your Stat Points automatically assign themselves whenever you gain any.]"Oh. That sounds good. How do I…?" [Think what you want with some measure of will, and it will happen. You should hear a sound if the change is successfully applied.] I scrunched my face in focus as I focused on my thoughts and was quickly rewarded with a small bell-like tone. I decided to split any Stat Points I gained from leveling up evenly between Dexterity and Agility. Sure, it wouldn't do much, but I needed every advantage I could get. [That seems to have worked. Other than those measures, I believe there is little else we can accomplish in the few minutes we have left.] A few minutes…

I swallowed down the spike of anxiety crawling up my throat. As the time passed, it was getting harder and harder to ignore. I needed to keep myself distracted…

"What was with that electricity earlier?" I asked, fumbling with my words as I grasped onto the sudden thought.

"The black and purple lightning around my hand? You said it had to do with my emotions?" [Ah, yes. You may have noticed something similar happening to Error when he got emotional, a green light appearing around him and his eyes glowing. This is a side effect of being able to use magic. At its essence, magic is the metaphysical and conceptual given form. Emotions themselves have strong roots in both of those realms as well, which ties them strongly together with magic. Because of this, when one gets emotional, it tends to make their mana, their magical energy, fluctuate and leak out. This often causes a Magical Girl's eyes to begin glowing, and sometimes causes what is referred to as aural bursts. It can take different appearances depending on the Magical Girl and how set they are in the magic they use. However, the generic apparition is just that of a glow around their body and eyes, especially if the Guardian is attempting to control their mana from leaking out.]"Glowing eyes…

is that why a manaborn's eyes naturally seem so vibrant?" I asked. [Indeed,] Selene nodded, her tails swishing excitedly. [After all, being manaborn simply means you were exposed to mana at a young age or during your fetal stage. Being manaborn gives you a much higher natural amount of mana in your body than a normal human, causing the vibrant eyes and sometimes different hair colors. The eyes are the window to the soul, as it were, so a person with more magical energy in them would naturally have different eyes due to the conceptual link. For a Magical Girl, even gathering mana for a spell is enough to make their eyes glow slightly.]"Okay…" I said, nodding along as I internalized all the information.

"But back to that… aural burst. Why was mine that violet and black lightning instead of just a glow?" [It most likely has to do with you being a Dark Magical Girl. You already have a unique Grimoire as well as a special Aspect and Signature Magic. With them all being linked together, it makes sense your mana already has a strong conceptual image of what it should look like. Sparks and lightning are also fairly common appearances, but why that specific color, I am unsure. With there being literally endless types of magic, there are also many varying colors of lightning, all of which mean different things. We can look up its proper name when this is all over, though, and get some clues as to what it could mean. It should give us some early insight into your Grimoire and Signature before you even unlock them!] I swallowed down the bile building in my throat.

"Selene…" I started, only to be silenced as her tails gave a violent, swishing motion. [Mai. I know that you have prepared yourself for the worst, but I ask that you do not give up hope.]"Hope…" I whispered.

"I… don't know if I can do that." Even saying the word tasted funny. After all the odds that had been stacked against me leading up to this moment, it felt ridiculous. Besides, what had hope ever done for me? Things were what they were, and wishing for something to be better didn't make it so. What was so wrong with just accepting what was and continuing to move forward? And… It hurt a lot less that way, rather than constantly getting your hopes up only to have them ripped apart.

[Do not discount hope, Mai,] Selene murmured, her voice soft as clouds. [There is a reason it is one of the quintessential emotions of a Magical Girl. To be a Magical Girl is to be the bringer and very essence of hope. To those that have lost everything or fallen to fear, hope shows them the path forward, freeing them from the barbed shackles of despair. It is more than just a salve to the broken, it is a fire, a burning desire that spreads through them and gives them strength to stride forward, a hand reaching to grasp the light they have been shown. To hope is to not just survive, but to live and defy. So don't give up just yet. You're a Magical Girl, and sometimes, all it takes is a little hope to turn magic into a miracle.] Before I could respond, light blossomed down on us.

I jumped up in surprise, looking up through the glass dome as flares of light began to shoot up into the night sky, glowing like multi-colored stars. Red, blue, green, yellow, white, pink, and purple. Hundreds of stars flew into the night sky and shone down on us, their light reflecting off the crystal in a rainbow of colors that painted the room. I stared up in wonder at the sight for a moment before the shock wore off.

"Selene?" I asked, my hand gripping tighter around my gun. [Those are emergency flares from the spell Star Flare,] Selene whispered in something like reverence. [It is a common spell, one every Guardian is urged to take in case of emergency. All it does is send a flare of light into the sky, moving through even solid surfaces unhindered. It's normally used by Guardians to signal an emergency and need backup. It can also be used as a signal for other things, of course, but this…]"What?"

I asked, shifting my weight nervously as Selene went silent.

"What does it mean? Is Error trying to tell us something?" [I… No, I don't think so,] Selene shook her head. [I think… I think the Guardians of Arcadia are trying to say that even if you are alone, they stand with you. An alert must have been sent out about your Death Wish. I believe that this is their response. That even if you fight alone, they will still be standing with you. They know what you are doing, and you are honored for it.] I blinked up at the lights, a numb warmth spreading through me. That was…

No, they didn't even know me. Why would they even care? I was just some nameless girl doing what any one of them would, so why? Why would they go out of their way to do something like this? I was nothing to them. So why would they do something so beautiful? One of the stars, a green one, blinked out of existence, and just like that, all the others followed suit. The return of the night sky was striking in its darkness, and the inside of the room suddenly felt dim without the extra lights reflecting off the crystal.

"Um…" I licked my lips.

"Do… Do we have time to go back to the shelter and ask Error what that was about? I don't think… it seemed more like a message." [I'm afraid we don't have time. We would only have fifteen minutes to run down there and back, which would only be possible if we had a straight shot with no Anathema on our path. Even if we took the elevator down, I doubt we could make it back up in time. We never scouted the area around the first floor's elevator banks, so we would have to move carefully to get to the shelter… no. I don't believe we would make it. It would depend too much on if there was a clear path and how many Anathema there were.] I bit down on my lip lightly, nodding along. Selene was right. We had just over twenty minutes before the third floor shelter lost power, and it would take five of those minutes for the shield station to restart. There was no way we could make it down and back, not without risking both my life and everyone in the shelter.

[I really do believe it was meant as encouragement and an acknowledgement, if it helps. If the miasma in this zone wasn't so thick, I'm sure Error could have sent us a message or even used some of his magic to aid us, but…]"Miasma?" I frowned. [Ah, yes. Long explanation cut short, miasma is negative mana, that is, magical energy with a negative alignment. It is what the Anathema are made of, and they have trouble surviving without it. Usurpation Zones are bubbles of that miasma, and the more Anathema in the area or the stronger they are, the more miasma there is. It has the side effect of interfering with things such as long-distance magic. Although Error is much stronger than any one Anathema in this zone, there are so many I doubt his magic could affect anything here from his position at Guardian Command.]"Oh…" I blinked. I hadn't even realized that magic could work like that.

I hadn't really thought too deeply on what exactly a Guardian like Error would even do, but I suppose it made sense there were ways for him to assist even from off the battlefield. If there wasn't, it would kind of be a waste of a Guardian's potential. [At any rate… I am afraid it's time.] Cold slithered through my gut, and I took in a sharp breath as I froze. Anxiety electrified my muscles, turning them into live wires pulled so tight it felt like they could snap at any moment.

All the mental barriers I'd built up over the past forty minutes vanished for the briefest moment, and fear stabbed an icy blade deep into the center of my heart. This was it, and I knew how it ended. I didn't want to die. But I didn't want to let hundreds die even more. I moved forward, and just like that, my mental defenses were back in place. The fear took a backseat, whispering behind the heart-pounding anxiety. I readjusted my grip around my Umbra, the weight reassuring me as I went forward.

Near one of the faces of the crystal, just in front of the stairs leading down to the garden area of the room, there was a pedestal made of smooth marble. It was a little over half my height, a perfect cylinder sticking from the floor with a tilted, oval shaped top. I walked up to the pedestal as Selene had instructed me previously, and after I tucked my gun under my left armpit, I placed my hand on it.

Glowing blue lines suddenly appeared, crisscrossing over the pedestal like circuits, and a low humming sound came from seemingly nowhere. After a moment, holographic screens appeared in front of me displaying various menus, readouts, and alerts. I looked over them for a moment, hesitating as I tried to read through the various information. [One moment. I'll highlight the correct options through your HUD.] A second later, one of the buttons appeared to glow, and I pressed my finger against it.

To my surprise, the holograms were actually made of something physical, making it easy for me to press through the various options without having to worry about my finger going through the display. A few more button presses later, mostly going through a bunch of warnings that tampering had been detected in the power supply, and I was finally left with one message in big letters. Are you sure you wish to restart the Reality Reinforcement Shielding Station?

I stared at the message for a second, swallowing down the tightness in my throat. [We've got this, Mai,] Selene assured me, her voice filled with complete certainty. [We've prepared. All that is left is to put the plan into action.] I nodded. She was right. There was no point in hesitating any longer. I pressed the button.