Chương 35: [LD-1] 34. Resentment

XXXIV Resentment My father, Kayne Buan, was a man of few words. I still remembered the night he took Levi and abandoned my mother and I so many years ago. It'd been night time. The moon was out in full force. As were my mother's coughs, which disturbed the otherwise silent dark. I don't remember why I'd got out of bed. Nothing differed from the night before or the one before that. But I'd got up.

And when I walked into the living room to grab a glass of water, I'd spotted Father down the hallway, clothed in a long coat and hat. He rolled a suitcase onto the walkway and closed the door. He turned at the last moment—there'd been no reason for him to—and noticed me standing in the dark. I didn't call out or even move toward him. Father didn't approach either. He merely held my gaze, then shut the entrance. It was the perfect summary of how he'd acted towards me over the course of my life.

When we passed each other in the living room as he was about to head to work, he didn't greet me. When I tried striking up a conversation when he was watching a football game on a random Sunday, he neither responded nor spared me a glance. The only times we really spoke were when he cussed me out for coming into contact with Levi. That was when he was sober. I'd learned at an early age that those who were stoic and unresponsive could turn into the most talkative of human beings with enough liquor in their system.

And not the good kind. The alcohol removed some kind of limiter in their brain—that part of them that, no matter how much they resented someone else, kept them from acting on that hate. So whenever father had had too much to drink, which was almost every day in that final year we were together, I found the darkest corner of the house and hid. It worked. Most of the time. As long as I wasn't in sight, he wouldn't explode at me. But there'd been enough times where he went looking for me.

My head dug itself deeper between my knees. Char and the ghoul had split, and each covered one side of the tunnel. Kil bobbed above me. He didn't speak and merely listened to my train of thought, which I made no attempt to hide.

'For what it's worth, my father never physically abused me… but I sometimes wished he had.' Then I could simply make him out for the demon that he was—the fiend who abused his young daughter because he couldn't handle his wife being hospitalised and having to take care of his two children by himself. But the hatred father had for me ran deeper than anything logic could explain. Other people were afraid of me. Avoided me.

Preferred to make a deal with the devil than remain with me under one roof for more than a week. But that only happened after they had initially spent time with me. When things they couldn't explain started happening in their daily lives. When the misfortune struck them so hard, they couldn't help but believe I was a witch. That grace period had never existed with Father. My oldest memory of him was one where he was sneering at me. Levi hadn't been born yet at that time.

Mother was not yet bedridden, though her health had already been in decline. But the rumours around me and the effect I had on those near me had not yet started. Even so, as he looked at me, the shadows in his pupils twisted in a way that was not human. It was as if he'd always known what I was. Similar to how a mother knew the seed developing in her womb must be her child. For him, what I truly was required no explanation or divination—it was a matter of fact to be accepted.

I was a monster, and there was nothing I could do to disprove it. If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it. Master… Kil whispered in my head.

'It's okay.' I hugged my knees tighter.

'I already gave it a place.' After my mother landed in a coma, my grandmother took over my care. It was her who taught me the beginnings of what others called 'witchcraft' and how to harness my innate gifts. She didn't have true powers like I did, but she was well-versed in the natural elements of the world and could tell you about the twenty most prominent herbal drinks a random flower off the road was used in. She was a witch doctor. I chuckled at the irony.

'She took good care of me.' If my death had sent me back in time in my previous life instead, I would've chosen to live with her from the start. Grandmother had offered to take me in many times. Father had pushed mother vehemently to accept. But Mother had turned them both down at every opportunity.

'She's my daughter,' she would say.

'She's not going anywhere.' And while it brought tears to my eyes when I heard it, I now wished she would've taken grandmother up on her offer. Then, at least, Father wouldn't have run away and left her, too. I would've made the choice for her in this life. Unfortunately, in this world, grandmother was already dead, and I didn't know any other family members well enough to live with them. A deep exhale exited my throat.

'Is it really too late to get a refund on my reincarnation?' Couldn't I be reborn as an entirely new person instead? There was no one who cared enough for me to be reborn, anyway. Char's insides pulsed. Kil floated down and landed on my shoulder. Master's father is an idiot. Who would ever choose to leave one of your stature and magnificence? I half-heartedly rubbed the back of his head in response, then let my conscious thoughts fall quiet. Something spoke up in the gap my mind left. You doubt yourself… why?

Why care for those who reject your nature? Kil wasn't the one speaking. It wasn't really speech at all. The words simply appeared in my mind as if I'd already thought them. I glanced to the side, where Cull lay at my feet.

'Are you… talking to me?' I asked. The weapon didn't stir. My head settled back onto my knees. I wasn't sure how long I remained seated in the dark. It could've even been that I fell asleep at some point. The next thing of note I remembered, however, was Char's bond pulsing quickly and Kil rising into the air. Master, we have company. Footfalls slammed through the tunnel we'd come from. My palm fell on Cull's handle, but didn't tighten around the haft. Was I really going to kill again? After everything?

Maybe I should leave the killing to the others… The indecision plagued me so heavily that the steps had arrived by the time I decided to just leave it to Char. However, the summon didn't attack the creature intruding on my introspection. Blue eyes stared through the shadows at the hunched summon, then turned to my silhouette.

"Joy?" Kiba whispered. His chest fell and rose heavily. The fur on his transformed arm was covered in blood, and his shirt was drenched. I frowned. How the hell was he here?

"It's me," I said after some seconds passed.

"Thank the gods," he sighed.

"I rushed over after the others said you fell and escaped by yourself." Ah. Right. He'd already been in the area. The commotion in the central chamber must've alerted him.

'The others sent him…' Now, my hand did tighten around Cull.

'I can't believe I just left them. What the fuck was I thinking?' I should've at least tried to find a different way up. My head dropped back onto my knees, and I let Cull go. I wasn't sure how well Kiba could see in the dark, but his mouth opened and closed at the action.

"Is there…something wrong with you?" he tried after I didn't speak up again.

"Are you injured? There's a trail of corpses on the way." He stepped past Char into the tunnel.

"No," I mumbled into my legs.

"I just—""She's depressed because her father abandoned her and called her a monster," Kil flopped out. The echo of his voice rolled off the walls. I blinked. Silence hung in the tunnel for a solid second as the words re-registered in my head. My head whipped up at him.

"Why would you say that, you idiot?!" He blinked rapidly in succession like an innocent little girl.

"Was that supposed to be private, Master? You had no trouble sharing it with me!"

"Because you're my summon and can read my mind, anyway!" I snarled.

"I don't want every person knowing what happened to me!" Kil dropped a little and inclined his head.

"My apologies, Master. Please forgive this foolish summon." My teeth gnashed. I couldn't tell if he was fucking with me or being serious! He also didn't answer that thought and bobbed his way closer to Kiba. This little fuck—"So…" Kiba scratched the back of his head.

"Abandoned? Do you…want to talk about it?"

"No," I hissed and plopped back against the wall.

"You wouldn't understand. Just leave me alone. I'll come back soon."

'That's too harsh,' I chided myself immediately.

'Take that back.' But my mouth refused to open. Kil, being the traitorous wench that he was, hovered closer to Kiba.

'She became like this…' the summon whispered.

'after killing…I don't know what to… I could've stopped Kil from sharing any more of my secrets, but what was the point? Kiba had already heard the deepest of them.

'Help me…!' Kil whined before finally pulling away from the boy. I was looking down into my thighs, so I couldn't see Kiba's reaction to the story. Which was why I stayed still and didn't look over when I heard him approaching. He stopped beside me— And his palm fell on my arm. I glanced up from his hand at him.

"Come," he whispered.

"I have something to show you."