Chương 82: 82, loop 2 part 36

Finn's wand was already up, a green ward shimmering in the air in front of us.

"Laz, what's he doing?"

"Don't worry. We'll be fine, probably."

"Probably? That's not reassuring." He held the ward, but his grip was loose, his hands shaking.

"Relax." I put my hand on his forearm, and he dissipated the ward.

"They won't kill you." Even though I likely didn't need to, I kept my focus on Prime Flag, but spared a glance at the others. Through [Wideview], I could see all of them spread out across the muddy area. Smoke drifted in between mannequins, hiding a few of them from view temporarily. But none of the golems moved. Except Axe, of course, who had ignored me when I told him not to move away. He was still trying to find something, anything, to kill.

But every direction he turned, there was another Flag just a couple of feet away. He didn't realize yet that this meant he was surrounded. However, I was certain the mind-controlled Flags were going to wait before attacking. A villain like the dungeon wouldn't give up such a prime opportunity to bloviate. Especially since he'd already gone on about how I'd broken the precious rules of his dungeon or some such nonsense about grades. I forget.

Although I was still a little confused on how the giant tree was playing into this scenario. Thankfully, though, Axe finally realized what was going on.

"Commander. Say the word and I will help you."

"Axe. Please stop before you hurt yourself—or worse, Flag." I said it loud and clearly so everybody would hear. There was no real way to tell him why without alerting Flag. But luckily, he got the hint. The red tether crept farther and farther along my gold one while I was watching. I floated back a little, and Finn moved with me. Fortunately, Prime Flag didn't move closer. Then things got weird. Because a chest dropped out of the sky right at his feet.

It hit the ground hard enough for mud to splash up, covering Axe and a few of the surrounding Flags. It was the most gaudy, god-awful, gold-crusted box I had ever seen. As if a team of craftsmen had spent their entire lives trying to make the most ridiculous chest imaginable. We were still waiting for Flag to make his move. But all forty-six of them had their mannequin faces glued on me.

"Oh, nice," I said.

"'Bout time the chest popped up." Clearly, we had beaten the dungeon. I cracked my knuckles and then rested my hands behind my neck, trying to be as casual as possible. Though I didn't really feel it.

"Come on, Flag. What do you say? Let's, uh, open that chest and move on to the next floor." I slowly started floating towards the chest, keeping my distance from Prime Flag but inching my way forward. I figured if I opened the chest to receive our prize, the doorway to the next floor would open. Prime Flag watched me move. And then something spoke. Except it wasn't Flag at all. Or the dungeon.

"Tut, tut, tut," the voice said. A woman's voice.

"Speaking around people as if they aren't there is a mean and rude thing to do. Flag here told me you were a very nice person. But I have been watching you circle my roots all day with no regard for others."

"Excuse me?" I lifted my hands in a pacifying gesture.

"I'm not being rude. You're the one who's been parading around in my friend's body for the better part of the past—what, five? Eight? —hours." I put my hands down.

"Besides, I'm plenty nice. I say my theases and plank yous every time. To everybody." Finn turned his head to face me and looked at me funny.

"You say your what?"

"My theases and plank yous. Duh."

"Commander. I believe you mean you say your pleases and thank yous."

"I said what I said." Nobody was gonna indulge me. Lame.

"Okay, Mrs. Tree." I addressed her directly.

"What's the big plan? Kill me, claim the prizes, and then fight your way out of here with an army?"

"That is more or less the idea, dear." Prime Flag took a few steps forward, the red tether creeping closer.

"Do you know what it's like to be eaten? Year after year after year. Dungeon run after dungeon run. Oh, it was infuriating! That damned dragon, consuming me from the inside out. The mannequin shuddered and she paused.

"The relief I felt when that monster died is almost otherworldly." Prime Flag tilted his head towards the tree.

"But inevitably, a day, or a week, or a month later, the beast is back. Pawing away at my insides, my outsides, my beautiful leaves. Always picking apart all the things that make me me. Oh, how I hate this dungeon."

"Okay, but why kill me? You have your freedom. Just take one of the other Flag clones and you can leave."

"Did I say kill?" I didn't dignify that with a response.

"You're my sacrifice, dear little boy. You're here as an offering to replace me. And in exchange, the dungeon will let me go." I cocked an eyebrow.

"Ah. I'd been wondering what your plan was." I laughed.

"Too bad it's not gonna work."

"What do you mean?"

"This dungeon's been harassing me for the past twenty-four hours. And in that time, I feel like I've gotten to know him a little bit. And believe you me. It won't accept me. Hell, it would probably rather take anybody else on the planet." It was her turn to laugh.

"Oh, I've been watching you, lazy boy. I know your talents far exceed your efforts, despite any protestations."

"Can't argue with that. Still, your plan's not gonna work."

"Then I will offer up Flag. Or Finn. Or that axe-headedone." She pointed at Axe, who was needlessly standing at attention.

"He only needs one soul to replace me." Support the creativity of authors by visiting the original site for this novel and more. Finn's wand came up again, but I didn't push it down. I still gestured that he needed to wait, though. We'd only have one shot at solving this problem the right way, and I didn't want to play our hand too early. As if on cue, one of the other Flags moved forward, stopping beside Prime Flag. But when he spoke, it wasn't with the Tree's voice.

Instead, it was with the voice that had greeted me back in the maze.

"The offer is declined. Cheating his way to the death of a floor boss does not qualify him to become one. In fact, it makes a mockery out of winning at all."

"Oh, hey. Look at that. I'm psychic." I laughed. Both Flags turned their mannequin heads to look at me like I'd grown a second one. Then Prime Flag turned to the others. I could tell immediately that she was upset.

"What do you mean, 'declined'?"

"He won't work as a dungeon boss, and frankly, I'm insulted."

"You have not properly watched him, then. Because it is clear he is quite powerful."

"I have been watching him for a full day. It was more than enough." It was a bit hilarious when the two people or demons or demonic trees that were trying to kill you both started insulting you as if you weren't there.

"Now hang on…" Finn started talking, but I put a hand out to stop him.

"Shh. I want to hear what they say."

"If I were to make Lazlo a floor boss, it would be catastrophic. He would spend the first hour of adventurers being in the dungeon finding a way to avoid any work at all. Then he would let the challengers through the boss door without a fight so that he could get back to sleep."

"No, you're wrong. It wouldn't even take an hour. I'd let them waltz right through." He ignored me and kept on talking.

"In addition to failing at—what did you call it…

'laziness'—which he claims is his best 'quality…'" He put his mannequin hands up for air quotes.

"He fails to reach even a passable level of magical knowledge using the barest, most pathetic repertoire of spells imaginable." While the two of them were arguing, I slowly started floating around them. Imagine my surprise when neither Flag turned their head. Finn stayed where he was, watching me with a puzzled expression. The chest sat in the mud next to Axe. If only he would reach down and open it. But Axe was single-mindedly focused on remaining at attention. I almost made it to the chest, too.

Then they finally looked my way.

"And where do you think you are going? We're not done talking."

"Nowhere. I'm just, um, stretching my legs." I lied through my teeth.

"Yeah, that's right. Stretching my legs." I mimed stretching my legs and continued trying to move towards the chest. Finn, Prime Flag, and the dungeon were all staring at my feet—which, of course, weren't touching a thing. I ignored them. The dungeon's clone flicked its wrist. The chest shot sideways, skipping across the mud, and came to a stop behind the line of clones. I groaned. All that moving was for naught.

"Before I kill you, I need you to understand why you failed," the dungeon said.

"Dude, I don't get you. All I needed to do was beat the dragon, right? The chest even appeared. So can we, like, stop with this whole second boss fight thing we've got going on here and just, you know… not?"

"The chest is there because the dragon is dead. But that does not settle the matter."

"Okay, could you get a new argument?" I had heard dungeon cores could be… temperamental, I guess was the right word. But this just seemed over the top.

"I mean, yes, it should settle things?"

"You were given a challenge to complete. And instead of doing the work yourself, you made everything and everyone around you do it for you. And now you expect to be rewarded."

"Dude, you were the one who gave me a fucking C. How is any of this not me showing I know what I'm doing when it comes to laziness? Besides, these are my golems, which I made, and I had them do the work for me, which is the reason golems exist. Therefore, it's my victory." I felt like I was arguing in circles, but I kept up the charade that I cared. My passive regen was almost ready.

"And when that is not enough, Mr. Yarrow, what will you do? When something cannot carry your burdens for you?"

"Drop the burden on the floor? I mean, if no one can carry it for me, then I sure as hell won't."

"I have tasted your soul. You are a boy afraid of the day everyone sees you for who you are. Someone that cares so much he hides himself from the world, afraid of being hurt. I can't wait to have more." If he had a tongue, he'd be licking his lips. I floated a step back and frowned in disgust.

"What the fuck, dude? That sounds so gross."

"There you go again, focusing on the odd thing at the expense of something important. What a shallow existence.

"See, that's where you're wrong," I said.

"I've never tried to be anything other than what I am. You're the one making this into a whole serious thing. The dragon's dead. If you wanted me to do all the work, then you should have said so." The dungeon just kept staring through Flag's mannequin face, because apparently it wasn't enough of an answer. So I kept talking.

"Everyone always wants you to have more, be more, do more. But it never matters how you actually get it done, as long as it's done. There's always something else you can do, something else to see, something else to achieve. I'm only lazy because I don't have to put in any more effort than I do to get what I want. It's worked well so far."

"That's a child's philosophy."

"As opposed to…?" But he never responded. Instead, Prime flag got up close to the dungeon's clone and pushed it backward.

"I am tired of the way you treat me."

"You are a tree. Trees are made to look pretty and stand tall, and never tire." I was starting to feel like I was a pawn in a very stupid argument between a divorcing husband and wife. Yay, me!

"This is ridiculous. You've spent more time explaining why he can't replace me than you have considering either of the others," Prime Flag said. She pointed her mannequin hand towards the other clone.

"You never intended to let me leave."

"Your purpose is to remain here."

"My purpose is to be eaten, and I am sick of it." I raised my hand in my best imitation of Finn when he knows the answer in class. Something I had never really done before, but it felt appropriate given all the lectures of the past half hour.

"Hey, real quick. I got a question. Can you two maybe, um, you know, have this lovers' spat in your own bodies instead of hurting poor Flag here?" Both mannequins turned to face me.

"No. But I'll solve the problem quickly." The dungeon said.

"I tire of this nuisance, anyway." There was a strange pause that went on too long. Then Prime Flag looked down at her hands, turned them over, and laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

"Ooh, that tickles. What is it you are trying to do?" But the clone didn't answer. Instead, a different Flag stepped forward from the line, and the dungeon's voice came from it instead.

"Impossible. I should be able to control that body."

"You don't need a tether to control golems. And it wasn't even the best way to manage them. Besides, I got here first, and we all know how important that is when maintaining a lead." I had a sudden out-of-body experience as I stared at the red tether. It was the only thing standing between me and my next nap. It had slowly been increasing the amount of gold tether it consumed, so I'd had to stand farther and farther away from Prime Flag. The next time the dungeon spoke, it was with clear irritation.

"This is not how this is supposed to go."

"You know, you could just let us leave and find a new floor boss. I'm sure it's not that hard, given you have five floors. Why not just steal one from floor five and call it a day?"

"No. I don't think I will." Forty-five Flags raised their arms at once.

"I will remove you. And then I will remove her. And then I will repair my floor. [Army of Things]."