Chương 35: Further Proof That Pirates Are Total Dicks

He had a pulse, but he certainly didn't have any consciousness. Wynnie and I manhandled him like two professional wrestlers tag-teaming a heel. We hefted him bodily between us and used his head as a battering ram to open the door. As we did, I looked back down the street to where we'd left the other two pirates. Perhaps the last two spots I'd chosen to leave them weren't conspicuous enough. Both bodies were still lying there, soaked in pools of their own wretched bile. There was a bit of commotion around them.

No deputies yet, but the amount of attention their two sleeping forms were getting gave me hope that my plan wasn't completely borked. Perhaps all we needed to do was up the ante a little. We'd just need to find a spot so awkward that Lady Talia couldn't ignore it. Wynnie helped me carry Buckshank to a new location. This one was at a large intersection where many people walked by. We even nodded, said hello, and apologized for the disturbance to a few. Buckshanks's trousers had slid down a bit while in transit.

Nothing too indecent, but enough to make a plumber blush. I had no intention of fixing that for him, either. I dropped the ruffian in the street. He snorted, snored, and began drooling, bare-assed and bloody. It was time to make the other two scoundrels look just as in need of a good arresting. I jogged fifty paces over to where they were. The human was slumped over a short fence, blowing bubbles in spittle. The orc wasn't too far off nearby, lounging up against the front porch of an adjacent building.

He looked like an idiot—big surprise—but nobody was doing anything. I shouldered next to a few people inspecting the human. They were all looking, but nobody was doing anything. That wasn't ideal. Good gravy. The one time highlighting a public disturbance on social media would've actually helped anything, and there wasn't a smartphone in sight. My kingdom for a nosy onlooker to call 911! If I couldn't rely on a neighborhood Karen to call the cops, I'd have to act like a town crier.

"By the gods! This man is dead drunk! And sleeping in public, too!" I looked around, seeing if anyone was paying attention to me. A few heads turned my way. That was enough.

"Someone should call Lady Talia! We can't have this happening in our fine town." Dead silence. Then, somewhere in the crowd, a man grunted, "Yeah!" From nearby, a woman's voice said, "I'll go fetch her." Finally, some progress. I'd lived in a small town back on Earth. It appeared that what was true there was true here as well. If you wanted something to happen, you had to do it yourself. These pirates had been holding the town hostage for years, by all reports sounded.

And now they wanted to extend their reign of terror to my girlfriend and my bar. Not on my fucking watch. I was a Reborn man of action. An isekai hero. A top-notch bartender in this world and the next. I didn't need swords. I didn't need magic. All I needed were a handful of basic ingredients and a place to shine. And I had one last pirate to defeat with my cocktail skills. I burped vigorously, preparing for another bout with Strider.

Based on the way I was pouring drinks, he was just a few ahead of me, and it looked as though cracks were showing in his armor. I was sure I was going to win. It would be close, but the day would be mine. Yet, just as I spun about to return to the bar, more commotion came from behind me. I turned my head lazily, seeing what all the fuss was about. There, in gleaming, resplendent beauty, marched Lady Talia. Her plated steel armor shone with the last dying rays of the day as she descended on our location.

One hand rested on the pommel of her sheathed sword, while the other swung purposefully beside her. Even from far away, I could tell she was scowling. A faint glittering reflected off her skin, and her eyes glowed a dull amber.

"Badass," I whispered. Maybe it was because she looked pissed, but anxiety gripped my chest as she got closer. I felt like I had back when I first started smoking weed and was afraid my mom might catch me. Yet I was grinning like an idiot, too. The cavalry had arrived. More of the crowd started to shout for her to come over. They pointed at the two unconscious pirates. Her eyes narrowed when she reached us, and she looked pointedly at me.

"What's going on here?"

"These guys couldn't hold their liquor."

"So I see. And?"

"And it appears they're sleeping in public. While drunk." I tried on my best cocky grin, but it went lopsided and goofy.

"That's grounds for jailing someone around these parts, right?" She let out a heavy sigh.

"This was your plan?" I tried the grin again. Still stupid.

"Impressed?"

"I don't know about impressed. Annoyed? Yes. Concerned about the implications? Absolutely."

"Are you just going to let them sleep here then? They're disturbing the peace and setting a bad example for the youths."

"No, of course I won't let them sleep here. This is unacceptable in my town. They knew the rules, and they know the consequences." There it was. Third time was the charm. Not even a ShamWow and OxiClean could've wiped that smug smile off my face. These pirates had tangled with the wrong bartender. Wynnie even gave me an approving nod. The sun finally disappeared over the horizon as Lady Talia instructed her deputies to cart off the passed-out pirates.

As she gave them instructions on jailing them, I reminded her again that they'd been planning to rob the coffers of the bank. From what I gathered, they thought the Crown owed them because the kingdom's rumrunners escaped without paying a maritime protection fee. You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version. She didn't sound thrilled to hear it. Not just because it was their evil plan, but also because now she knew about it.

Like when a lawyer finds out their client is even guiltier than they first thought. Sometimes, knowledge is cursed. I wondered if it might put us in danger. Or maybe, just maybe, it meant she couldn't continue to do nothing about the threat they posed.

"I guess we'll have to give them an extra day or two in the clink for them to sober up," she grumbled, grimacing.

"That should give the bank enough time to send the deposits up to Northridge, the city further up the coast." My smug grin got even larger. Somehow, I'd managed all of this as just a simple bartender. And in a world I barely knew, too! Maybe being reborn here did confer a special destiny after all. I'd saved the day!

"Now what in the five hells is going on out here?" I whipped my head around to see Strider emerge from the Breakwater Inn. His pencil-thin mustache looked sharp as a blade over his angry frown. Immediately, his gaze rested on me. He looked mad enough to kick a puppy.

"You! You did this on purpose!" I couldn't decide whether to feign ignorance or to take full credit for the plan I'd masterminded. What came out of my mouth was, "I'm just too much bartender for you to handle!" He glared at Lady Talia next. She was standing right next to me still. Both hands rested on her hips, and she squared her body at him challengingly.

"These men were sleeping in public, drunk. You know I can't tolerate that in Seaport!" Strider pointed a skinny finger at me.

"He tricked them into drinking too much! We were just going to make a round of collections before he made us drink a bunch of alcohol."

"He made you drink it?"

"He strongly suggested it."

"Sounds like a personal problem, then." Strider was practically foaming at the mouth. His bloodshot eyes nearly bugged out of his skull, and he took a few wobbly steps off the porch toward us. He reminded me of every drunken asshole I'd ever cut off in my life. He had that look of somebody who was ready to swing on someone.

"You can't put my crew in jail! You don't have the power." He lurched forward unsteadily, making his way to me and Lady Talia.

"You know what will happen if you try to fight us."

"Actually, this is my town, and I do have the power," Lady Talia said. She stared him down, unflinching.

"And you!" He pointed at me again.

"Do you think you're helping these people? All you're doing is putting them in danger." I hated people like him. I wasn't putting anyone in danger—he was. The guy couldn't even take personal responsibility for his own actions. Instead, he had to pin them on someone else. But nobody was forcing his hand. The reign of terror he and the Black Ship Raiders had enjoyed was all their own making. They were like abusive partners who hit their spouses, then told the victim, "You made me do this."

Well, I was the type of person who hit back.

"I think you're just being a dick," I said, shrugging with more casual confidence than was probably warranted. Maybe having a heavily armed and armored woman by my side made me feel less vulnerable.

"Watch what you say to this guy. He's actually quite dangerous." Lady Talia murmured to me right as Strider stepped up, just a few paces away. He swayed unsteadily, his eyes flicking between the two of us.

"These Black Ship Raiders are nothing to trifle with."

"This one might be. He doesn't get his hands dirty, isn't that right, Strider?"

"I'd love to get my hands dirty wringing your neck," he slurred. Around us, the crowd had grown considerably. A large ring had formed, creating a small barrier of sorts with the four of us at the center. Wynnie stood a few steps behind Lady Talia and me, and Strider a few steps in front.

"Your men are on their way to jail. We'll keep them there for two days where they can sober up," Lady Talia said with an authoritative ring to her voice.

"You'll let them out immediately, or else!"

"Or else what?" Lady Talia smirked.

"Are you going to set your ship to sail all on your own? Go back and tell mommy you need help subjugating a small port town? Take on our town guard all by yourself while the rest of your crew sits in a cell?"

"It's going to start with you. You'll all pay, but I'll make sure you pay first. And I won't make it pretty," he sneered.

"Strider, you're drunk. You're saying some very dangerous things right now, and you're causing a scene. I'm going to give you one chance to walk away right now, or I'm going to have to arrest you as well." He looked around at the gathered crowd. He counted no friends among them. His calculating expression did the math. He was outnumbered, outmatched, and out of options. Especially with a force like Lady Talia in attendance. There was no chance he could take on all of us.

He nodded slowly to himself, coming to a decision.

"Okay, okay. You've won this round, but the war is far from over." He raised his hands in surrender and turned around, slowly slumping back to the Breakwater Inn. Beside me, Lady Talia visibly relaxed, letting out a relieved breath. A wry chuckle escaped her lips, and she shook her head.

"I thought that was going to get physical. Thank the gods he saw reason!" She turned back to Wynnie, reaching out to her. She placed a steady hand on Wynnie's shoulder and made a few assurances that she would protect us and the Breakwater Inn overnight. The crowd began to disperse. Several parted to let Strider pass through back to the inn. I didn't take my eyes off him, though. He wasn't carrying himself like a beaten man.

Rather, even intoxicated, his muscles looked coiled, bunched up like a snake's, ready to strike. I took a step nearer to Lady Talia. I didn't know why—it was just an instinct. Something told me this wasn't over.

"So what now?" Wynnie asked.

"Now we keep an eye on him until it's time to escort all of them out of our town. We'll have to call in some reinforcements from Northridge to keep them from trying anything funny," the dragonkin said.

"What happens when they come back?"

"I don't know," Lady Talia admitted.

"We'll be ready," I said. The constable looked at me appraisingly. I gave her my most confident nod, which probably would have looked better if I weren't nearly cross-eyed from drinking.

"There are more of us than there are of them." My mind was already racing, thinking through how I would solve the problem in a role-playing game, even if I weren't a level twenty adventurer.

"Not only do we outnumber them, but we outsmart them, too. I just spent several hours drinking with them, and they're not the brightest bulbs."

"The brightest what?" I shook my head. Earth knowledge got in the way again.

"Not the sharpest tools in the shed? Or perhaps not the fastest ships in the sea?"

"I think I get what you're saying," Lady Talia said. There was a flash of movement. The scritch of dirt underfoot. A villainous, "Nyahhh!" And that's when I did it. I stole Lady Talia's sword right from her scabbard. I'd heard about what happens if you steal a cop's gun. It was always a bad idea to disarm a law enforcement officer while arming yourself. In this case, I was fully prepared to deal with the consequences.

"Why, you backstabbing, double-crossing—" I shoved Lady Talia aside. Just in time.

"Hee-yah!" Strider shouted as he thrust forward with the point of his rapier. It quivered in the air right where the constable had just been. I was already in motion. I swung her blade inexpertly with all my strength, slicing across Strider's body. Here's something they don't tell you about sword fights in fantasy novels. Sometimes, they're between experts who feint, parry, attack, and counter-attack as professionals. Just as often, they're between two sweaty, drunken assholes.

A single cut can stop a bout in an instant. They can be over in a flash. My blade cut through Strider's chest. I felt a lot of resistance, but not enough to stop the follow-through. A large, gaping slash of red erupted across his midsection, tearing both skin and tunic alike. He gasped something unintelligible, then gurgled as he fell forward, stumbling to the ground. He quivered once, twice, and then went limp. A wet, rasping breath sent a puff of dirt from the ground near his lips. Then, silence.

He didn't get up. A pool of dark, muddy crimson spread out around him. I looked down at Lady Talia's sword, which I was still gripping as hard as I possibly could. It looked foreign in my hands. An alien object I'd never seen or used before. And it had just killed. I dropped it. Just like Strider, it fell to the ground with a heavy, lifeless thump.

"My sword!" Lady Talia lunged for it.

"Sorry. I got it dirty. Sorry." I looked at Wynnie, horrified at what I'd just done.

"Sorry."