Chương 50: Act 2, Chapter 4: I am broken

Day in the story: 5th December (Friday) I emerged inside my Domain, utterly exhausted and collapsed straight into my bed. Nick had joined Dam for the morning training session I'd just finished. Ever since Tuesday's blindfolded duel with Dam, my instinctive shadowlight infusions had become much easier, but they still failed sometimes.

Nick said it was probably because I still lacked a true revelation and only when I reached such a deeper inner truth about myself, would my soul fully accept it and reproduce the infusion without fail. Dam, on the other hand thought I just needed to hammer that nail down with an ungodly amount of repetitions until it stuck. Honestly, I couldn't tell which advice sounded worse. I closed my eyes for a second and woke up half an hour later, feeling completely refreshed.

I'd discovered that by accident about two weeks ago, after crashing here from exhaustion and waking up an hour later good as new. It had to be the close presence of my soul core that restored my energy so fast. So there I was, lying on my bed inside the Domain, staring at the ceiling, when I decided it was time to experiment with what Dam had said about shadowlight links and Domains. I reached for one of the fire cards in its deck holder and commanded it to become steel.

I felt the surge of shadowlight carrying my authority through me and into the card, a quick, sharp burst of visible power that crystallized into an invisible link between us. I couldn't see it, but I could sense it, a thin thread of will and essence binding me to the card's transformation. I left the card on the bed and stepped back, focusing on the link. It felt stable, unchanging, with no sense of motion or transfer in either direction.

Once the card had been turned to steel, that was it, it carried all the authority it needed to stay that way. I sat cross-legged on the floor and concentrated, trying to break the link. I pictured it shattering, even commanded it to break, but nothing happened. Finally, I moved closer and touched the card. The moment I focused on removing my authority, it responded instantly, the card softened and I felt the surge of my authority returning to me. Why was it so easy by touch?

I infused the card again and it hardened like steel. Holding it in my hand I closed my eyes. Why did it become hard? What made it hard? The card itself was still just a simple card, but the light of my authority was strong enough to make it believe otherwise. My magic, flowing through my soul core and shaped by my Domain, was powerful enough to lend it that illusion of strength. I set the card down again and moved back, shutting my eyes to block out distractions.

One sense less made it easier to feel the link to my soul. The link was straight and unmoving. Through it, I could sense exactly where the card was, what it had become because of my magic. There was no fluctuation, no flow of authority back and forth that I could feel, just a solid, unmoving connection. I tried again to sever the bond. I thought it, ordered it, even pleaded with it, nothing. Growing frustrated, I picked the card up and tried something else.

I threw it at the wall, focusing on the link as it flew through the air and slammed against the concrete. Still, nothing unusual happened. If it was always going to be like this with these cards, I'd lose my mind before I learned anything at all. I retrieved the card, stripped my authority from it and threw it aside. Fuck.

"I'm frustrated, Soph," I sighed, munching on another bite of the egg salad she'd made for us today. Peter was still in the shower. He'd restarted his morning routine after hearing about mine, swimming first thing, then biking or running back home. He'd set his sights on a triathlon next year and wanted to be ready. With Zoe busy working now, he suddenly had more time on his hands, though it clearly gnawed at him.

Instead of stewing, though, he threw himself into studying for the exams so he'd pass them without a hitch.

"Frustrated, why?" Sophie asked, emerging from the kitchen with another bowl in her hands.

"I'm trying to get better at commanding my shadowlight, making it do what I want, automatically, without conscious thought, but it only seems to work when my life is on the line."

"Does that happen a lot?" she asked, sudden worry creeping into her voice.

"No, that's not really the issue. I sort of…pretend there's danger to trigger the response, but if I'm not genuinely under threat, it fails."

"That sucks," she deadpanned, setting the bowl down. That was the kind of emotional support I needed, short, honest and no sugarcoating. I loved her for it.

"Yeah. It really does. I feel like I am broken somehow."

"Can't your magical friends help with that?" she asked, in a tone that made it sound like I had a crew of talking animals coaching me.

"That's what I'm trying, with Dam," I said, shaking my head.

"It's just a slog. It feels exactly like thief training when I was a kid, fail, try again, fail again, repeat until muscle memory finally locks it in."

"Yeah, that does not sound like you'd enjoy it."

"No. I hate it," I admitted, picking at the crust of my bread.

"But I do it anyway, because I know it works. I just hate the grind." At that moment, Peter stepped out of the bathroom, of course fully dressed, because he was a gentleman, but something was different about him. He smiled at us and for a split second, I swore I saw a glimmer of blue light in his eyes. I stood up, curiosity tugging at me and stepped closer.

"Uh, hello, Lex? What exactly are you doing?" Peter asked, as I was practically nose-to-nose with him, searching his eyes.

"I thought I caught a flicker of shadowlight in there," I replied. He laughed, warm and easy.

"Well, maybe," he admitted.

"I haven't worn your necklace for the past three weeks. At first I'd take it off, put it back on, just testing… but then I left it off for good, almost a month now. I think I'm no longer a sleeper. Maybe that's why?"

"You remember the magic now?" Sophie chimed in, intrigued.

"Yeah," Peter nodded.

"Guess it's a side effect of being in love with a Seer and having a mage for a sister."

"I wonder if I could take off mine," Sophie said, fingering the tiny fragment of my soul core set into her necklace.

"But honestly? I don't want to. It's the coolest piece of jewelry I've ever owned."

"Oh, thanks," I said smiling.

"Try it, Soph," Peter suggested.

"Take it off for a day, set a reminder on your phone to put it back on. That's what I did. Then extend the time slowly. If you start forgetting things, we'll notice, no question. It's kind of hard not to talk weird shit in this household these days." Oh, thanks, Pete, weird shit now, huh? I wondered if Zoe had any clue how he really felt about all of it.

I stepped forward and gave him a playful shove against the door, making sure he understood how I felt about his choice of words, then padded back to the table to finish my breakfast.

"Well, thanks for that shove, Lex. You know you're freakishly strong, right?"

"What?" I blinked at him.

"Yeah," Peter insisted.

"You're way stronger than someone your size should ever be." Probably a side effect of my shadowlight working its way through me.

"Go arm-wrestle," Sophie chimed in, a mischievous grin on her face. I laughed at her, but then Peter was already dragging out a chair and sitting down across from me.

"Wanna try?" he challenged.

"You guys are serious?"

"Yeah," Sophie beamed.

"I wanna see! Girl power, right?" I sighed dramatically, pushed my salad bowl to the side and planted my elbow on the table.

"Bring it, boy." Peter set up opposite me, clasping my hand. I squeezed gently, feeling his knuckles shift and he immediately made a face. Then I felt him trying to push my arm down, but he was being cautious with me, so I returned in kind, applying steadily more force until his hand smacked the table with a dull thud. He stared at me, wide-eyed.

"I know how it's done, Peter. Try for real this time."

"You're kidding, right?" He shook out his wrist.

"I was trying. That was everything I had. You're a monster, Lex."

"Wait, seriously?" Sophie's jaw dropped.

"I thought you were going easy on her, Alexa's arm muscles didn't even bulge!"

"That's what I'm saying," Peter grumbled, rubbing his forearm.

"She's ridiculously strong because of her magic. So please, Lex, no more slamming me into walls, okay?"

"Sorry about that," I said, staring down at my hand half embarrassed, half amazed.

"Don't worry, I get it. I wouldn't expect magic to boost my strength either."

"I was told it would," I said, "but honestly, I still feel weak without my suit. Guess I need to be more careful." Peter nodded but kept his eyes on Sophie, who was giggling at something on her phone.

"Is this the new guy you mentioned yesterday?" he asked her.

"What new guy?" I looked between them, curious.

"I'm dating this absolute sweetheart," Sophie said with a grin, "been a few weeks now."

"And you didn't tell us anything?" I exclaimed, feigning outrage.

"You know how my last relationship ended, right?" Sophie shrugged.

"I wanted to be sure this one's different. And I did tell Peter yesterday, while you were busy with your own boyfriend, so, mind your tone." She shot me a playful smile.

"So, who is he?"

"He's an influencer," she began and I immediately made a face. Shouldn't have.

"Alexa, believe me, for him, it's just a job, he's honestly the sweetest person you'd ever meet."

"He doesn't sound like your usual type, Soph."

"That's because you don't know him." She held up her phone, eyes shining.

"Wanna see some pictures? Or better yet, we have a dinner date tonight. Wanna bring Jason? We'll have a double! Our first double date!" I immediately hated the idea, but I knew how much she'd love it, so I nodded.

"Okay, what the hell. I'll try. But I have a new job starting at 9 pm, so we need to meet early."

"I think 4 should work for him," Sophie said.

"He'll make the reservation and I'll text you the details, okay?" Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

"Sure." I couldn't help but think Jason would probably enjoy it. Meanwhile, I'd be the one silently miserable.

Jason and I were the first to arrive and he insisted we go inside right away since the cold outside was bone-deep. The restaurant was gorgeous, styled like a Caribbean tavern, with intoxicating smells of spices and grilled seafood that hit me the moment we stepped in. We were led to a cozy lounge tucked into one of the corners. Out of habit, I tried to claim the seat with a full view of the entire dining floor, but Jason practically shoved me aside so he could have that spot for himself.

Now I was stuck watching him and the far end of the restaurant. Well, any potential attacker might come from that direction too, if they were already inside, so, not half bad. Out of nowhere, I asked, "How come you've never hit on Sophie?" Jason blinked at me.

"Lexy, my love, is this a trap question?"

"No, just curious. She's deadbeat gorgeous, like a movie star."

"You should know me by now," he said with a shrug.

"That's exactly why. I'm actually a pretty shy guy, at least when it comes to putting myself out there and risking rejection. Most girls hit on me and I just followed along."

"I see. But you do find her attractive, right?"

"Uh, yes?" he said, cautiously.

"Why are you afraid to answer? You chose me, after all. I know you have eyes. I don't care if you notice other women, as long as you don't act on it."

"That's a pretty unusual approach for a woman, you know?"

"What approach?" Sophie's voice cut in as she appeared beside Jason, sliding onto the bench across from me.

"Hi, Soph," Jason greeted, then added, "We can swap seats if you want to sit closer to your guy."

"No, it's fine," she replied breezily.

"I'd rather look at him and Alexa than you." God, I loved that girl.

"Nice one," Jason snorted.

"Is he invisible or just really small?"

"He stayed behind to talk to the chef," Sophie explained, smoothing her hair.

"He'll join us in a minute."

"A chef? He knows the chef here?"

"Yeah," Sophie beamed.

"He's a cooking influencer, makes food content on YouTube."

"Seriously?" Jason raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, some people actually know how to build their own careers, Jason," Sophie fired back with a grin. She loved her little word-sparring sessions with him as much as I did. I wondered, for the first time, whether Jason would have fallen for her if she'd been the one to approach him instead of me.

"It's good I'll finally meet one today, then, instead of you," Jason shot back, with that smirk he knew she'd rise to.

"Guys, guys," I cut in, waving my hands, "try to keep it civilized, okay?"

"Hello," a deep voice came from behind me. Sophie's face lit up instantly and Jason stood up to greet whoever it was. But I already knew, my gut twisted the moment I heard that voice. Him. Nickolas. Fucking. Leben. Of course. I forced a bright, wide smile before I even turned around, trying not to let my shock show. Nick's eyes widened the second he saw me, looking completely thrown off, good, that meant this wasn't staged. Or…was it?

"Alexa?" he blurted, confused, his composure nowhere to be seen. He really was a terrible actor, so at least I could rule out a setup, probably. Sophie blinked, looking between us.

"You two know each other?" Jason made a questioning grunt at the same moment, clearly about to ask the same thing.

"Yes," I started, trying to salvage the story, because Nick sure as hell wasn't going to do it smoothly, "we met at…"

"…An art gala," Nick cut in, absolutely murdering my improvisation.

"Three months ago. Penrose brought you to appraise that modern art disaster. I was there for the food. I liked how you eviscerated the piece and we've met a few times since then." Oh, for fuck's sake, Nick. Really? An art gala? I could already see the Titanic-sized holes I'd have to patch. Jason raised an eyebrow, suspicious.

"I never heard about any of that."

"It was casual," he added quickly.

"I collect a bit of art myself, so we talked shop, that's all."

"That's so cool!" Sophie squealed, clapping her hands.

"It has to be destiny, then. I love coincidences like this." Nick, recovering, turned to Jason and extended his hand.

"I don't think we've properly met," he said, his tone formal again.

"Nickolas Leben." Jason stood, awkward but polite and shook his hand.

"Jason Smith," Jason said, extending a hand.

"Nice to meet you." His voice was polite, but the tension around his mouth betrayed him, he didn't look remotely comfortable. Nick took the seat next to me, entirely too casual about it.

"I never knew you did YouTube videos," I said, trying to sound breezy. Nick gave me a small grin.

"Yeah. It started as a hobby, but it turned profitable. I go by NickFoodMagician."

"No shit," I blurted.

"It's true!" Sophie chimed in, beaming, absolutely oblivious to the undercurrents.

"I haven't seen them," I admitted, shaking my head.

"Jason?" Jason turned, a bit stiff.

"I suck at cooking, so I rarely bother."

"Well, that's something you could fix with a tutorial or two," Nick offered smoothly.

"I could even teach you, if you'd like."

"No, thanks," Jason shot back a bit too quickly. I could almost feel the heat radiating off him, jealous, suspicious, definitely building a story in his head. I had to steer this before he exploded.

"So," I jumped in, voice light, "how did you two meet?"

"It's a sweet story!" Sophie lit up, practically bouncing.

"May I tell it?" Nick gestured, all charm.

"Go ahead." Sophie leaned forward eagerly.

"Okay, so you remember how I signed up to volunteer at that big food festival in Brooklyn for my sustainable food class? I swear I was only there to get extra credit. They had me going around collecting surveys about local vendors and all these eco-friendly food trucks. I was already stressed out, because my clipboard was overflowing with forms and then I tripped, well, almost tripped and managed to splash this giant blob of chili sauce right onto some guy's sleeve. I was mortified." Yeah, that was typical Soph.

"I was apologizing like crazy," she went on, eyes wide with remembered embarrassment, "trying to wipe it off with a napkin, just completely dying inside. But he was so nice about it, he just laughed and said it was no big deal and then, get this, he handed me a tiny bite of the food he'd just bought, saying I had to try it since the sauce was obviously so eager to meet him. I nearly choked from laughing." Nick chuckled at that, a little shy grin on his face. Honestly, he could be funny when he wanted.

"He had this big camera with him and he was filming a bit," Sophie continued, "but I didn't think much of it. We started talking about the festival and I found out he knew everything about food, like, how to plate it, how to talk about it on video, you name it. I was impressed. Not gonna lie."

"Thank you, Sophie," Nick said softly. She smiled at him, then waved him off and kept going.

"And then, this is the crazy part, people started coming over and asking for selfies with him. I was so confused, until one girl told me he was NickFoodMagician, the YouTube cooking guy basically everyone follows, except me, apparently."

"Only people into food even know who I am, Sophie. Don't worry about it," Nick tried to insert, but Sophie shot him a look and kept going. He really should have known better than to interrupt her mid-story.

"I was so embarrassed," she continued with a grin, "but he just laughed and asked if I wanted to try more food with him while he filmed. I said sure and we ended up wandering the whole festival for hours, talking about local produce and what I'm studying. I don't know, it just clicked. Like, he didn't care that I was a total sauce-spilling disaster and I didn't care that he had thousands of followers. It was just…natural. Unexpected, but kind of perfect, you know?"

"Yeah, totally," Jason said, though there was a teasing edge in his voice.

"Didn't hurt that you look, well, the way you look and he's basically an internet star."

"You're ruining my perfect story, Jason," Sophie shot back, rolling her eyes. Nick chuckled, unbothered.

"It wasn't quite as hopelessly romantic as Sophie describes, but it was enough to catch her attention. And you're right, Jason, she is a beautiful woman. I'd be lying if I said that didn't play a role." It was funny to me in retrospect how, on first impressions, I'd found Jason so full of himself and confident in his worth, while Nick had seemed quiet and polite.

And yet, here they were, somehow the opposite: Jason turned out to be unsure but easy to commit, while Nick was effortlessly outgoing and solid in his sense of self. That was when the waiter came over to take our orders. We made our choices, Nick politely advising only Sophie, leaving Jason and me to decide for ourselves. It had to amuse him, I thought, knowing that even the crackers his mother made would probably taste better than anything this fancy place could serve and yet he still went along with it.

"What kind of art do you collect, Nick?" Jason asked once the waiter left. Back to plugging the holes in our cover story, then.

"Mostly old oil paintings, still lifes, food themes, but also cozy nature landscapes," Nick answered easily.

"Do you collect anything?"

"No, I'm a minimalist. Don't decorate much," Jason replied. Sophie jumped in, teasing, "Judging by how you dress, I'd have guessed otherwise."

"I don't really have my own place," Jason admitted.

"Until I do, I just keep things the way they came." That surprised me, it couldn't have been easy for him to talk about. Nick nodded.

"I don't have my own place yet either. I still live with my parents." It was thoughtful of him to share that, giving Jason a soft landing. Sophie probably already knew; Nick didn't strike me as someone who'd hide that. He was proud of his family, after all.

"That's surprising," I asked, gently voicing what I knew Jason might be wondering but wouldn't say aloud.

"YouTube doesn't pay well?" Nick smiled.

"Oh, it pays well, Alexa. I just haven't found a reason to move out yet."

"Yet?" Sophie echoed, eyes going soft and blurry. Oh, damn, she'd really fallen for Nick, of all people. This had to be some kind of cosmic joke. Maybe Reality itself getting back at me for live-streaming my fight. Nick smiled gently.

"I don't mind moving out if circumstances change. I have money set aside for that." Good, they were talking about each other again. That should help Jason feel more at ease, I hoped. After that, the conversation drifted to movies, books, music and festivals, just normal chatter, the sort you share among friends or people trying to get to know one another. Our food arrived and by the time we'd finished and were relaxing, Jason seemed to have gotten past his insecurities.

He was laughing and talking comfortably, the tension gone from his shoulders. Then the waiter came by to ask how we wanted to handle the bill.

"I'd like to cover everyone tonight, since I invited you," Nick said smoothly. Fuck.

"I'll pay for myself just fine, Nick," I said quickly.

"No," Jason cut in, surprising me.

"This time, I'll pay for you, Lexy, okay? Nick can cover Sophie, that's fair, right?" Sophie and Nick both nodded in agreement. I should have let it go. I should have just smiled and been a good girlfriend, but I'd promised myself from the start that I wouldn't play a role in this relationship, wouldn't pretend to be someone I wasn't.

"No," I said, firmly.

"I'll pay for myself. I always do and I don't see a reason to change that." Jason looked at me, baffled.

"You're kidding, right?"

"I'm not kidding, you know that."

"Why can't you let me do this?" Jason asked.

"Guys, we can all just pay for ourselves," Sophie chimed in, trying to help.

"No, Soph," Jason shot back.

"Your boyfriend wants to pay for you and that's fine, yet when I want to pay for my girlfriend she objects."

"I will come in five minutes," the waiter announced, then stepped away. Good riddance.

"I'm an independent woman," I said.

"I can pay for myself."

"It's not about dependence, Alexa." He didn't call me Lexy, he called me Alexa, "You have to know I'd like to do this for you. Why do you have to make it hard?" Because for once, it wasn't really his money he'd be paying with, but I wasn't about to tell him that. And because I was no damsel and could pay for my own damn meal.

"I'm not making anything hard. I just want to pay for myself. What's so hard about that?"

"Are you this difficult with other men?" Jason blurted out.

"What are you talking about? What other men?" I should have shut it down right there, but didn't.

"When you met with Nick, on those art meetings, were you this difficult with him too?" Oh, Jason.

"We weren't even eating together, Jason. It wasn't…" Nick tried to help, but I cut him off.

"What exactly are you accusing me of?"

"Nothing," Jason said, but the anger was still there, hot and raw.

"Pay for yourself, then. I made a fool of myself anyway." I took a deep breath.

"Excuse me, guys. It was a nice dinner. I'm sorry I made it worse for you." I set my share of the bill on the table and stood up.

"See you later." Then I walked out, already sure of one thing: if Sophie ever invited me on a double date again, it would be a miracle. I stepped out of the restaurant and turned into a side alley, hidden from the street. I wanted to teleport away immediately, but Jason caught me by the arm before I could. He'd run out after me.

"I'm sorry, Lexy," he said, breathless.

"I don't know why I acted like that."

"You were insecure the moment you found out I know Nick, Jason. It wasn't just the ending." I looked him straight in the eye.

"Yes. You're an attractive woman and you meet with other men. I… I worry."

"You don't trust me?"

"I want to. I really do. But apparently, I don't."

"That sucks."

"Well, it sucks more for me," he said, voice cracking.

"Because I love you. And you don't love me back."

"We've talked about this already. That's not my fault, Jason. I am trying."

"I just wish you didn't have to try, you know? If you trusted me, maybe it would be easier to fall in love with me." I was about to protest, to ask him why he thought I didn't trust him, but he was right. I didn't. So I stayed silent.

"Are you going to say anything?" he asked.

"I don't know what to say, Jason. I'm sorry for being difficult, but you were difficult too. You wanted me to give up my own choice, just so you could feel good in front of a stranger. You tried to buy me and that felt wrong." He sighed.

"I know, okay? I know. I was angry. I'm insecure about you, but… you're not making it easy for me."

"Jason, I told you on our very first night together that I'd be a bad girlfriend," I reminded him, hoping maybe this time it would stick.

"You did," he agreed quietly.

"But for the record, I don't think you are bad. I've had a wonderful time with you. It's just… for some reason, you don't want to open yourself to me fully and I don't know why."

"What do you mean? I'm always honest with you. Brutally so, even, like tonight."

"Honest, yes," he said, "but not open. There are things you never talk about, your job, for one. You give me scraps, vague hints, but never details. That fuels my insecurities and I think you know it."

"I just don't think it'd be interesting to you," I lied.

"It is interesting," Jason insisted.

"But there's more than that. You hardly ever tell me how you feel, what you actually feel. Isn't that an artist's whole thing? That's what lies beneath the art, right?"

"I'll try, Jason, okay? I'll try to speak more." He pulled me into a hug.

"Will you spend the night with me?"

"I can't. I have work tonight."

"Will you tell me about it? What kind of work?" I hesitated.

"I'll tell you tomorrow, okay?"

"Really? After everything we just said? Another secret?"

"It's not a secret. I just need more time. Please, Jason, give me a little more time."

"Fuck this, Alexa. You don't love me. You don't even care about me. You don't care that I'll spend another night imagining god knows what because you refuse to include me. You're broken, Alexa, broken beyond repair. And you're breaking me too." That hurt. It hurt more than I wanted to admit. I turned to look at him, but he was already walking away. Sophie appeared a few seconds later.

"I overheard some of that," she said gently.

"I was worried. You guys were pretty loud."

"Did you send Nick away?" I asked.

"No, he decided on his own you'd probably need a friend tonight. He's waiting for me inside. Should I text him that you do need a friend, or not?"

"I do, Sophie. I really do. But I have work to do, something I can't postpone. Can I raincheck?"

"Will you be okay?"

"Yes, Sophie. I'll be fine." I paused, swallowing hard.

"Oh and Nick? Nick really is a good guy. Probably the best I know."

"There's something more between you two, isn't there?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"He's one of the magical friends I told you about. The ones helping me train."

"For real?" She looked genuinely shocked.

"I did not see that coming." I hugged her tightly.

"Thanks for coming out and waiting for me," I said, stepping back.

"I have to go now." She nodded, worry still in her eyes. I let her go and vanished into my Domain.