Chương 56: Chapter Fifty Two: Cold Baths And Error Codes

"…" Oh no. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god! I silently screamed inside my head at the wreckage. I killed them. I killed them. I killed them. Denial strikes me on the back of my head and I clutch it with both hands. No. I can't, I wouldnt. Stone cold clarity churns within it like a hungry animal. This isn't real. This is just a dream. This is just some post mortem dream and I need to wake up. Wake up! Wake up! Crushing pain exists everywhere and claws down every nerve. Pulsing and bleeding me out.

Out of my body and I'm just floating above it all. This can't be real. I can't. [Error.] [Error. $$57@7/9==??? Exception] [Error. Host please don't rehject^^@7379 SYTE, M OPERATOR] [ERROR]"Hey! Look at that. That's a pretty useful…" He trails off as the state of me finally sets in and Lucian loosens his bruising grip on me, Nox? Nox, stop crying right now. Breathe. Nox breathe.

"Hey, she's not breathing!" [ERROR! Host44)6 4SPH1X14T10N Warnibgtt Warnin90Xy93N] Lowell sprinted over to Miseria who was vacantly looking at the dead birds lying on the forest floor. Head juiced between her tiny fingers. Snapping next to her ears doesn't rouse her from her bloodshot breakdown. Is she not? Carefully, the way he would approach something wild. He slowed his breathing to listen to hers. Not even a wheeze. Mercy, upon us. He directed her to look at him gently.

He summoned up as much intention as he could and commanded her." Breathe." She wheezed a little and he did it again.

"It's okay. Everything's fine. Breathe. You saved us and they were just birds, Ria. You need to breathe. Breathe sweetheart." Just birds? Just how many birds did I just kill? Ten? Twelve? Fifteen? I counted the number of pairs of beaks I could see. All the way up to eighteen. And that's just the ones I could see. Eighteen hearts. Eighteen necks snapped. Thirty-six unseeing eyes. What have I done? Penguin please. Please stop this. I don't care how. Take it back. Take it back. [That's not possible Ria.] [I can't take back your ability or their deaths. It's just not feasible.] [That ability is a part of you now. However, when did you gain the ability to read minds?] I don't know. Today. This. This is you—I couldn't have. I've never hurt someone. I would never hurt anyone. This is all a mistake. [That's not me Ria. I had nothing to do with that.] He poured cold water over me and I shivered like a drowned rat. [That's you. It seems you're revealing more as you grow up. I'll have to log that in your status. Well done on the birds, might I add. I'll award you with experience points—] I can't do this. I pushed Lucian away and flew out of my sling. The shimmery tendrils I had come to hate caught me and lowered me to the ground. I need to… I need to run. Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website. [Ria…!] I took off running amidst their shouts and cries for me to stop. Because they just don't understand. This isn't a gift or a party trick. I can't do this.

I ran as fast as I could towards nowhere. I just wanted to get lost. I don't want to hear anyone else's thoughts. I can't even bear to hear my own. Every time a bird squawked I flinched and tried to drown the sound out with something else. Anything else. Fireflies and pixies whispered around me. My distress was not only plain to see but contagious. They zoomed away in every direction but mine. Good. I shouldn't be around anyone. Where do I go? My heart was doing a marathon as I ran into the darkness.

I tripped over a tree root and landed face first in the dirt. Ow. A hand wiped off the rocks that had embedded themselves in my face and I spit out the dirt that had entered my mouth. Now my forehead and my nose hurts. Great. I chastised myself. Great plan, Ria. Run into the outdoors without help or any way back. Great plan. Now what? I sniffled and scooted next to a tree trunk. It's so freaking cold out here.

I barely noticed while I was clinging to Lucian because his body temperature is permanently settled in the hundreds. But it's so cold. [Ria, we have to go back. You can't survive on your own. You'll succumb to the elements. Please.]"No. No, I can't go back. I just murdered a flock of birds bigger than myself with only a thought." Just a dark impulse and eighteen lives lost. And you know what? I kinda liked it. It felt really good. Like… I was popping a piece of gum or finishing a set of questions. And right after?

I felt like doing more.

"I felt like doing it to them. To them Penguin." On purpose. I enjoyed it for a millisecond. Who does that? [Ria, that's not fair. You've never felt this way before and you were defending yourself. You just got carried away.]"Carried away? I was going to kill…" I paused and shuddered.

"I was going to kill everyone around me because I could. Because I liked the silence and the feeling…." I wanted control. I can't be around them. I'm too dangerous. Penguin stayed quiet for a moment and then I felt his presence leave me completely alone in my mind. Silence. Silence at last. I shivered and huddled up next to the tree in the fetal position. Slowly darkness started to creep into my vision. My ears rang and my stomach started turning on me. It feels like that early morning sickness I had this morning.

But worse. My stomach clenched painfully and I whimpered. Pain bloomed in my stomach and I retched. Bile spewed out of my mouth but not much else. I deserve this. Maybe this is a punishment for using it? That would make sense. I deserve that. A brush of cold air against my forehead had the blood clotting and sticking to my hair. I shook with the cold and fought the urge to sleep. To just go to sleep and forget it all happened. I miss her. Freesia comes to mind as I languish in the cold.

I lick my dry lips and reminisce the taste of her pizza sandwich. What I would give for something like that right now. No magic here though. Only semi-spoiled milk and bread bits. Even hungry I wouldn't be in the mood for that. A warm hug after a day full of boring classes. One of her weird nighttime rituals for my 'future happiness'. Essential oils and making tea. I was no fool. Affectionate maybe. But I didn't love her and I would never hold a candle to her duty. Duty above all else. Always something.

Something over me. Everytime. My lashes flutter and I remember bath times. Bars of soap and convincing her I didn't need to be scrubbed down one more time. Floral fragrances that threatened to choke me with their aroma. Cheap pink soap. The kind that always smelled good even though it was made from a melting pot of chemicals. Bath times from another time. I think the only good memories of my mom stemmed from those… Rubber duckies and a daisy pink bucket of water to wash the soap out.

Warm wet fingers untangled knots and brushed my hair into parts. Then a dollop of leave-in conditioner would be used to moistorize the carefully taken care of strands. It made my scalp feel tight, but she always insisted that I was so lucky. People would go through hell and back for hair like mine. It never quite made me feel like I was lucky. Just different. But I liked that she liked it. Lukewarm water and a lullaby pouring from her lips. The kind that had my eyes closing and my head tingling.

My dad hated getting wet. He would take up the chore of putting me to sleep instead. He read to me a lot. It was the one thing I could do with him just right. Fantasies, fairytales, golden apples, and a goddess looking to steal children in the middle of the night. Clad in black and white, followed by her ghostly parade. Stories. Children's stories that were meant to fill my eyes with wonder and— My eyes closed and I sucked in a final cold breath. My name. He wanted to name me after one of them…

but my mom disagreed. She said something about it once.

"Ria…" Someone called out to me but I was too far gone to hear it. What was it? What was that name? O…It started with O. Olivia? Olive? What was that? What's my name again? Descent into a cold blanket. Sinking into its depths. Ria? Or Grace? Who am I?

"Ria!" There's no use trying. I'm always going to end up cold. No name. No footprint. No body. Just. Void. And it feels like a bath.